The at-home therapy series I've been listening to and working through has really been a great tool for me and I've had break-through's in my thinking habits and aha moments about my life.
During this process I've learned how to better identify my negative thinking, catch myself at it and try to redirect my thoughts. But I tell you, it's exhausting. Maybe it's just because I had so many negative thoughts to combat. Maybe it's because I was examining myself way too closely. Maybe it was the anxiety I felt about needing time alone to listen and "talk" the therapy out and not having time alone and secretly resenting my husband for it. Maybe it was finding that concepts were building on each other and it required even more alone time that I didn't have. Maybe after my last anxious moment with someone, the discouragement I felt was defeating and I threw my hands up and stopped believing my life would ever be any different. Maybe it was due to me focusing so hard on overcoming social anxiety that it became all I thought about.
Whatever the reason, I had induced social-anxiety-healing-exhaustion and I decided to take a break. To be honest, I can't really remember when I started my therapy sabbatical. I'm guessing it's been about two weeks. And I know I need to get back to it because it's the persistence and consistency that makes the changes effective. But for now, I'm on therapy pause.
The last concept I started learning about was called the fighting paradox. In a nutshell, fighting against our social anxiety (which comes most naturally to us, i.e. "What's wrong with you?! Why can't you just be normal?"...those happen to be my favorite lines) actually makes it worse, whereas giving in to it (accepting ourselves as we are and gently working at overcoming it) is the way to overcome it.
Moving on to this next phase was a bit overwhelming. Now not only would I have to catch my negative thinking as it related to social situations (dreading, avoiding, etc.), and catching my negative thinking as it related to every day life (wrong line at grocery store, getting cut off in traffic, not dwelling on past negative experiences, etc.), but now I would also have to catch and redirect my negative thoughts about having social anxiety in the first place ("I hate going through this"; "why do I have to deal with this anyway"; "I'm so tired of this", etc.), which I realize now, are often my thoughts of choice.
That's why writing this blog has been so therapeutic for me. It's not until I get it all written down that it becomes clearer than ever.
Moving forward in the therapy series meant letting go of those thoughts that came so easily to my mind ("I hate going through this"; "Why do I have to deal with this anyway?"; "I'm so tired of this", "Other people don't have to deal with social anxiety, why do I have to?" etc.). And the honest truth is, I didn't even realize these thoughts were negative. I know I said them quite often because they made me feel better. I was just shouting out how I felt. But now as I internalize what the fighting paradox actually means, these statements I shout out to make myself to feel better, in the end, actually just make it worse and keep me right where I am in a vicious cycle of negativity.
So moving forward with therapy and continuing to work to overcome my social anxiety meant I would have to let go of my shout-outs. And they had made me feel better (said the dieter to the ice cream)...or so it felt. So what would comfort me if I couldn't say those things anymore? I began to feel exposed and vulnerable. I began to feel myself unraveling.
And so I took a break.
- I took a break from combatting my negative thoughts.
- I took a break from examining myself too closely.
- I took a break from worrying about needing time alone for therapy
- I took a break from resenting my husband over not having enough alone time for therapy
- I took a break from feeling overwhelmed about the mounting therapy assignments
- I took a break from thinking about the last anxiety attack I had and the associated defeat
- I took a break from making overcoming social anxiety my life-consuming task
And I realized that taking a break and allowing my thoughts to make sense of themselves actually helped me find some clarity. And I'm still on a break until...Monday, make that Tuesday, since my husband will be home all day Monday and I won't have any alone time to start up my therapy again. But I'm not going to stress about that one. bit.
P.S. And in the end, unlike the title suggests, I really can't take a break from healing. And that's a good thing. Because in the end I may have learned more during my two+ week sabbatical than if I hadn't taken it at all.
