It used to be that when I felt social anxiety grab me by the throat, I would choke and gasp and turn red and want to immediately exit the room. Quite normal after being grabbed by the throat, no? But somewhere down the line nausea stepped in and has moved in to stay a while.
When I find myself in situations that cause me to be socially anxious and want to run for the hills, I now feel sick to my stomach. Like I'm going to throw up. Literally. It's a horrific new addition to social anxiety's bag of tricks.
It hit its hardest a few months ago before I was to teach my Relief Society lesson. I had been able to somehow pull it together as a teacher before that time. The Lord had blessed me tremendously. And then one Sunday nausea hit. I'd been feeling off all during sacrament meeting. I couldn't tell if it was just me with the flu or me with "fake" nausea. It didn't matter in the end. I couldn't think straight, feeling sick to my stomach. I had to tell them I didn't feel well and go home.
I didn't end up having the flu, but did have a mix of health issues at the same time. It left me wondering if it was health-realted or simply nausea brought on by social anxiety?
The next time I was to teach? I felt sick to my stomach again. As I stood to introduce my lesson, a wave of warm prickly nausea swept over me. I literally thought I was going to have to run out of the room while politely blurting, "I'm sorry, will you excuse me for a minute?" But I stopped myself and grabbed my bottle of water, took some sips, and tried to normalize the contorted, nauseous expression on my face. After a few dozen sips and a few hard swallows, the nausea subsided just enough to allow me to finish teaching. Oh the horror.
Now I'm not a psychologist or anything, but unfortunately, I believe I have created a new cause-effect for myself. I call it Sick by Association.
I have now associated feeling nauseous with feeling socially anxious. The two now go together, but it's nothing like peanut butter and chocolate, I promise.
Now each time I feel the rabid butterflies of anxiety in my stomach, nausea also creeps in. And even as I try to tell myself, "You're not really sick. You don't have the flu. This is all in your head", the physical symptoms are already full-blown. They come on strong and are harder to brush away than thoughts are.
As if I didn't have enough to deal with! Now this? It makes being around people in social situations that much harder. "Hi, nice to meet you. Now excuse me while I go throw-up."
It has happened in many social situations since, and now I carry anti-nausea meds (which seem to help a little but also make me feel kind of funky). So far, knock on wood, the nausea has only been in my head. Let's hope it never gets to the floor, if you know what I mean.
