Thanks so much to all of you for your comments and letting me know you're out there! It makes me happy to know we're all in this together!
Things have been surprisingly low-key the last few months. We didn't end up moving, but man, the anxiety it caused me was MAJOR when I anticipated all the changes that would have followed with a new ward, etc. If we had ended up in my sisters ward I would have seriously lost my last marble. We're still looking for a new place though, so the nightmare isn't over yet, just postponed.
Work
Work has been surprisingly ok too. We even had some big changes and a HUGE meeting at work with lots of people and mingling. I worried about it in the back of my mind for a while before it came, but I was too caught up in the things we were working on to worry as much as I usually do.
It was seriously like an out-of-body experience. I knew I couldn't avoid this meeting, so I hit it head-on - talking to people I hadn't seen in a while, meeting new people. It was like I flipped a switch and became someone else. I was shockingly a million times better than I ever have been at a meeting like that. It still feels like it had to have been a dream or something, but yes, it was me, and I was 90% socially normal. Shocker.
The meetings coming the next several months are another story. I know they'll be worse, since I was told there will be some "fun team-building games". I'd gladly kiss someone with the flu to get out of that one.
Church
I had a few patches during the summer where either we were out of town or I didn't want to face it, but I've been trying really hard to go consistently. Truth be told, it's still hard, but not as hard as the first day back after not going.
I almost didn't go today but knew breaking my momentum would just make it harder to go back and it's hard starting over. I feel like a member of AA, "It's been 3 weeks since my last sacrament meeting...". Like I've said before, it's hard on my husband when I don't go, so I know I have to go, even if it's just for him sometimes. And when I did get there today, some girl looked me up and down like, "What are you wearing?" and I thought - people like you are the reason I don't want to be here! Now she's on my yuck list. Then later, a lady I used to like said something about my calling that felt much more like criticism than a comment, and I wanted to scream "You're lucky I'm here at all!!!"
You are courageous
As hard as it is to face dreading people and social events all day every day and especially Sundays, you need to pat yourself on the back for forging ahead, in spite of how hard it is. Whether you know it or not, your strength making it through each day makes you a very courageous person. Facing something really hard and getting through it every day, even when it feels like dragging yourself through tar, is a huge accomplishment and something you should be really proud of. Because believe it or not, my sister found "another way" to handle social anxiety that is hurting her more deeply than the anxiety does.
I've written about my younger sister before. She shares the same dreaded social anxiety, but lately handles it by not handling it. She hasn't been to our church (or any church) in years and has turned to alcohol to suppress her anxiety. It has reached an all-time low the past couple years - she can't even be around us (her siblings and parents) without a few drinks in her.
It's the one of the saddest things to watch your sister stumble and slur as she puts on an, "I'm acting totally normal!" facade, while we all watch with sad eyes at the drunken train-wreck unfolding. It makes me sick. I want to scream, "I know what it's like to feel like you can't make it through when anxiety grabs you by the throat and chokes you, but please find the strength to make it through - you're only fooling yourself!!"
It's not like I haven't thought about it before - more in a "what-if" kind of way of - what it would feel like to take the edge off before a meeting or party. A friend of mine used to drink before every party for that reason. Later in life, when he decided to get back on the right track, he told me how hard it was to "re-learn" how to be social because the alcohol had numbed that anxiety for so long. I won't let myself go there - I continue to hold strong to my values because not only do I know what's right, I know it would only bring more difficulties and heartache. Exhibit A: my sister.
For those of you who have found yourselves in this predicament and are having a hard time coping, I'm sorry. And I'm not judging you. I'm congratulating those of us who make it every day without it. Because each day is a mile-stone. Each Sunday you make it to church is an accomplishment. And the times you don't make it? Brush yourself off and think back to the times you did make it, and try again.
