It was like a lightbulb went off in the dark recesses of my mind.
For my entire life.
With everything I encounter.
Before I do it.
While I'm doing it.
And even after I've done it.
I live my life through a lens of fear.
For years.
For a lifetime.
You want to go on a walk with me?
Ok, excuse me while I pull out my imaginary clipboard, complete with Fear Evaluation clasped to the front. It will just take a minute.
Pre-fear Evaluation:
Glasses on, pen cap off, clip board at the ready.1) How much fear will this cause me?
2) Will I be able to handle that fear?
3) What could go wrong? How likely is it to happen?
4) Will I have an out?
Results: If fear threat is low, you can say yes, or just stick with maybe if that feels better at the moment and you can still cancel. If fear threat is high, trigger bright red flashing lights and booming sirens. It's a definite, non-negotiable NO.
Present Fear Evaluation:
If you checked 'yes' to the activity and you've actually gotten yourself there.Self check-in
1) How are you feeling? Are you ok? Do you need some water?
2) Do you need to leave?
3) Any red flags, i.e. small confined spaces? Get-to-know-you-games? Group introductions? Chairs set up in circles? Round table discussions?
4) Are you still breathing normally?
Results: If fear is elevated in any area you are free to exit stage left, regardless of who might be watching, who might be offended or who might think you're just plain cuckoo.
Post-Fear Evaluation:
Holy... whew! It's over. Breathe. You did it. You lived.Post-Activity Self-feedback
1) How did I do?
2) How did I feel?
3) Did anything go wrong?
4) Did I act stupid?
5) Did I act like I felt uncomfortable?
Results: Obsess over 1-5
This walk I'm speaking of, taking place tomorrow, should really be no big deal. I was even the one who brought it up to her in the first place, several weeks ago, on a good day, as a way to catch up. It's just casual, I told myself. And then she scheduled it and all of a sudden it got serious like an 'appointment to walk'. I don't do well with things other people tell me I have to do or appointments that loom over my head like storm clouds.
So this morning she texted me, still on for tomorrow?
Hmmmm… I let the text bubble bounce for a while, trying to decide how to respond, little did I know my Pre-Fear Mental Evaluation was already in process.
At the end of my subconscious eval, I was at a 'maybe'... heading to 'cancel', but knew I'd better sit on that before responding. So I had some head talk, Remember you wanted to take a walk in the sunshine and thought it would be a nice way to reach out to her? Take advantage of this opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy the rays and a little convo. It's not a big deal. So I said yes.
But evidently there was another part to my evaluation that I missed, like a doctor's office with those double-sided pages you didn't see. Even after the yes, my mind reviewed more detailed fearful possibilities, specific to the proposition at hand: Will it be awkward? What if we don't have anything to say? What if I have a panic attack and can't catch my breath while we're walking? What if this was all just a big mistake?
And so I'm trying to push it in the back of my mind, because it's tomorrow.
Could I still cancel? Yes.
Will I? Probably not.
But you see, I realized in this earth shifting moment, that this is what I do with EVERYTHING that is placed in front of me. And as my whole life flashed before me I went, Oh yeah, I totally do that. My mind has always automatically raced with all the negative possibilities. I don't remember ever FIRST thinking, Oh hey, that would be fun!
As we get to know ourselves better, I think we can begin to better evaluate our behavior and try to make changes.
Because of this little epiphany, I will consciously try not to go to the negative place first, and instead try to see it through a positive lens first. Who knows, it might make all the difference.
