Yes, I have had my ups and downs, times where I've cried when fear has overcome me, times when I have missed my family so deeply it hurt and times when feelings of desperation, for God to protect the ones I love, have been overwhelming. But as those waves have come and gone, the feelings that are left are of peace, happiness and contentment.
I love living my simple life. I am thriving with a simple existence. I feel joy every day instead of fear. I have been living my best life through this pandemic. And I don't want it to end. Isn't that kind of joy and contentment what life is supposed to feel like?
When you have all that you need, when your family is safe, when you are wrapped up in the cocoon of your small life, in your small spaces, right in the center of the storm, life is calm. It's outside that circle where the wind blows the hardest. And I'm not sad I'm not out there anymore.
I joked with my husband that the hermits of the world, hunkered down in their homes without social contact, who everyone thinks, "Oh poor thing, they must be so sad and lonely..." are probably living their best lives!! Because I know I am!
I sat there and wondered, if I am this happy and this content, FINALLY, after all these years of suffering every day, worrying about who I might run into, who might stop by, who might ask me to do something hard, what is expected of me at church, at work, with family, and so on and so on and so on... why do these good feelings have to end when the home stay orders end? Why do I have to fit the life that everyone else thinks is "normal", when I finally feel the most normal and the most content I ever have in my life?!
All this time, I’ve spent trying to change myself.
I've been trying to make myself not feel anxiety when I'm around people in all capacities.
All this time, so much of my self-work has been about changing who I am to fit into society and to try to be more comfortable with everyone else.
But the truth is, I like who I am. I like my life small. I don’t like being in groups. I don't love being around people outside of my friends and family. And why can’t that just be ok? Why can't that be the way I choose to live?
If I were to live on a farm out in the middle of nowhere with only small chosen interactions I would be living my best life. I don’t need a lot of people around me to feel happy (other than the interactions with my husband, and family). I don’t want to keep fighting my natural instinct of introversion to try to become more of what I think I am supposed to be to fit in with what everyone else says is normal.
Church is so hard for me and if I could spend the rest of my life having church at home, that is exactly what I would choose. I don’t miss being with the people. It has been a huge relief not to be. I can still practice my religion at home, a place that has become a spiritual haven, and refuge since not being able to go to the church building. What I dread more is going back to the way things were - a life of being uncomfortable 95% of the time. No thank you.
And so I sat with this, and pondered there on the couch, content and optimistic at the prospects of a small and simple future. A future filled with the same contentment I felt right then and there. I felt relief. I felt so happy. Could it really be that simple? Was I really allowed to be this happy and content the rest of my life, living quietly and comfortably, without all the social pressures that had brought me so much suffering?
And then as if on que, The Call to Courage, by Brene' Brown, popped up in my friend's Instagram feed and I thought, hmm, maybe I'll watch that again.
With this newly formed mantra on living my best simple life, I was gung-ho for a future as a happy hermit and then Brene' Brown quickly burst my bubble...and it left me thinking if what she said was true, (and it was based on data), then living a comfortable social-anxiety-free life might not be an option for a happy life, after all.
Here is some of Brene' Brown's wisdom that stuck out to me (from the Netflix special, The Call to Courage):
- Vulnerability is defined as, "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure."
- “Vulnerability is not about winning, it’s not about losing, it's having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.”
- There is no courage without vulnerability.
- Give me an example of courage that did not require uncertainty, risk or emotional exposure. You can’t. There is no courage without vulnerability.
- How brave you are is directly related to how vulnerable you are willing to be.
- Vulnerability is hard and it’s scary and it feels dangerous but it’s not as hard, scary or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, "What if I would have shown up?"
- How many of you want more love, intimacy and joy in your life? You can’t have that if you don’t let yourself be seen. How can you let yourself be loved if you can’t be seen? Vulnerability is the path back to each other but we are so afraid to get on it.
- We can’t go it alone. We are neurobiologically hard-wired for connection with other people; in the absence of connection, love and belonging, there is always suffering. You can’t go it alone. If you could, I would’ve found a way by now as an introvert and someone who loves humanity but is so-so on people, I would’ve found a way.
- “Vulnerability is the path back to each other, but we’re so afraid to get on it and we end up hurting each other a lot. “We want it so bad, but we’re so afraid to let ourselves be seen, and we’re so afraid to see people, but it’s the only way back.”
- You can’t engineer out the uncomfortable part of vulnerability. If it’s comfortable it’s not vulnerable.
- Fitting in versus belonging. They are opposites. Belonging is belonging to yourself first, speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are and that’s vulnerable.
- We are terrified to feel joy. If we let ourselves feel joy, something will come along and rip it away from us and we will get sucker punched from pain, trauma and loss, so in the midst of great things we literally dress rehearse tragedy.
- Those who were really able to lean into joy, practiced gratitude.
- If you don’t allow yourself to feel vulnerable, we work out our own pain on other people because it's so much easier to cause pain than to feel pain.
- I will choose to live in the arena every morning. I say to myself, I will choose courage over comfort.
- "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity."
Ok... so what are your thoughts? Do you see how everything Brene' Brown just taught is in direct conflict with my newly found mantra, that hermits' lives rule?
When she says I will choose to put myself out there and choose courage over comfort, I think, that has been me every day for the last nearly 5 decades of life. I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing every day and it’s exhausting. Social anxiety doesn't just feel like choosing courage over comfort, it feels like we're giving up more than just comfort, I would call it choosing to suffer through with courage.
No, living like a hermit is not brave. Living like a hermit is not putting ourselves out there every day to be vulnerable. For those of us with social anxiety, putting ourselves out there really does match the definition of vulnerability. Wherever we go, whatever we do, it is filled with the fear of making ourselves vulnerable to other people. It is all about uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is all about being afraid to be seen.
But if we're not putting ourselves out there and, in turn, exposing our vulnerabilities to others, we also don't get the joy, love and fulfillment that can come from meaningful, safe connections with other people.
Being vulnerable and courageous is tiring. I wonder, is that what it means to endure to the end? I'm afraid that is what it means. What about, men are that they might have joy?
My calling has come "calling" again, if you know what I mean. I've been getting texts and emails for things I've been asked to do and keep up connections with certain people. Our bishop has had ward zoom chats for people who need connection, but I have never felt better in my life NOT connecting...
I feel the choke-hold of church again creeping back up on me. I don't know how to reconcile the feelings I have. I love home church and if ever given the choice, would never want to go back to regular church meetings again but it doesn't mean my testimony is wavering. My testimony, in fact, might be the strongest it's ever been with the time I've been able to set aside to read and study the Book of Mormon. I feel connected to it in a stronger way than I ever have. I have felt connected to Heavenly Father and the Savior in a stronger, personal way. I feel so good.
I don't want to go back to how life used to be. I was unhappy. I was stressed. I was worried. I was always anticipating the hard things coming up and thinking of excuses was draining and feeling guilty about all of it. All the things that made me so uncomfortable about life and about church have been softened and quieted with the stay home orders during this pandemic, and it has been such a relief.
The bottom line, is that we all want a life full of joy and happiness and what that looks like is different for each of us.
It's not out of selfishness that we choose to protect ourselves and stay more isolated, but it is out of necessity for our mental wellbeing.
Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He knows our limitations. I think He doesn't want to see us in so much fear of being vulnerable that it leaves us feeling sad and alone. I think it's more about finding a balance where we push ourselves a little bit out of our comfort zones, to open ourselves up to the potential of love, belonging, joy, courage, and empathy, but not to a point that we are debilitated and it hurts us more than it helps us and instead of growth, it hinders our progression.
I have a feeling that if we ask Heavenly Father to help us find the courage to be vulnerable, and put ourselves out there every day, instead of living in the safe cocoon of isolation, to also ask Him to bless us with love, joy, fulfillment, creativity, or whatever we are in need of. He is waiting to bless us, but we can't reap the rewards if we're not willing to act.
In the case of social anxiety, "acting" is putting ourselves out into the world with all of our social fears, to be vulnerable, to be brave, to be seen, having the courage to show up when we can’t control the outcome.
And also to allow ourselves to lean into joy, despite the risks, and to live a life filled with gratitude (because living in gratitude is what Brene' Brown said is the secret to feeling and embracing joy). When we show up to our life and "enter the arena", while it exposes us to all our vulnerabilities, it also allows us to receive the benefits from such a risk. It requires us to do the uncomfortable things but those things can also bless the lives of other people.
So, while I still want a simpler life and will live by that mantra, it might not look like a hermit up in a cabin in the deep woods. I will not give up on my life. I will not give up on becoming the best version of myself. I will not give up on God, who I know has the power to help me when I need Him. I will continue to learn ways to overcome what scares me and continue to put myself out there so I don't live with regret, and that goes both ways. If something is too hard, it will be ok to say no and if something is uncomfortable but manageable, I'll step out of my comfort zone and try.
What will you do?
Other titles I considered for this post:
Why Hermits might just be living their best life
A Hermit's life for me
How to live your best life with social anxiety
