Where did my social anxiety come from?

When did this dark tempest they call social anxiety, start raging inside of me? What created it? Was it one specific instance or many over time? Was it the way I was raised?

One minute I'm in 6th grade up on stage singing for a talent show and the next I'm in my late 30's afraid to go to church, hold a job, attend meetings and basically interact with people at all. What happened?

I have read many articles on social anxiety and some say it can run in families (genetic) or can be physiological (brain chemistry), can be triggered by certain negative social experiences and/or events, or a combination of many factors.

Overall, they say it's not so important how it started, because we might never know the true reason, it's more important to focus on helping ourselves. For me, however, I need to try to piece things together in order to have some sense of understanding. To know where it started may help me work my way out.

1st: I grew up with a very critical mother. I know, everyone blames their mother. I'm not blaming her, that would be too easy and too unfair. However, her judgments of me affected how I saw myself from a very early age and how I took in the judgments of others over my life time. So you can see how it's relevant.

2nd: My temperament is more shy than outgoing. There is a social stigma that comes with shyness. People teased me for not wanting attention (go figure), and teased me when I blushed (which only made me blush more). Tried to push me to do more than I wanted to do. I overheard my mother say I only did the minimum to get by. Society has an attitude towards shyness and avoidance. They don't understand we want to do more but we can't. I took all those attitudes and reactions in.

3rd: The triggers. Ah, the triggers. This is where it gets really interesting. Let me quote a social anxiety forum, "A previous negative social experience or certain traumatic or humiliating social event is commonly connected with the onset or worsening of the disorder".

Looking back I've had a lot of humiliating experiences that are common among those of us with social anxiety and those of us as Mormons with social anxiety. Getting called on in class at school or church, giving talks in church, participating in activities, attending seminary, serving in callings, on committees, visiting teaching, home teachers, giving class presentations at school, piano recitals, playing piano in church meetings, spelling bee's, jobs, work meetings and presentations...the list goes on. While some events are definitely worse than others, they build up over time and finally one or all of them finally brake you.

4th: My continued negative talk. Numbers 1-3 "happened or were happening", and I continued to avoid, fear, criticize myself, agonize, anticipate, etc. So it just reinforced all the negative over and over again.

So here's what we have:
A) A critical mother at the core of my life who criticizes/judges everything I do and say so I'm uncertain of myself and how others are also judging/perceiving me.

B) A personality, by nature, that is more shy and introverted. People's reactions to me reflect back to me that the way I am is not okay and I should be different. I should be bolder, more talkative, more outgoing, more extroverted, less scared. Scared is weak. Shy is weak. Avoidant is weak. So in essence, society is reinforcing what my mother has ingrained in me. That I am not okay as I am.

C) Events that heighten all my insecurities. Events that expose me and all my flaws, inabilities, frailties, insecurities, blemishes. Events that humiliate me and leave deep emotional scars and memories.

D) I tell myself over and over again that I'm not good enough, that people make judgments of me, they think I'm stupid and insecure and nervous and frail and ridiculous. So I monitor every activity in my life around this. I protect myself. I will not be humiliated again. I will not be exposed again. I will not be made fun of again. I will share with no one so no one can judge me. I will stay away where no one can hurt me. I will stay away from people.

Does this sound like you?
If so, you're not alone.

As I mentioned, I clearly remember singing in front of the entire 6th grade with my friend, as we auditioned for the school talent show. That was me? Are you sure? And we went on to sing for the whole school a few weeks later. Yes, that was me. These days I wouldn't be caught dead doing that. I long for the days of freedom I felt as a child where the fear of other people's judgment didn't hold me back.

If I think back, there are certain events or triggers that stand out as more traumatic than others. I have broken them down into pre-6th grade and post-6th grade because that talent show was a pivotal moment for me...unfortunately I pivoted in the wrong direction.

Pre-6th grade events:

• Being asked to give the opening prayer in Primary at a very early age. I cried. I didn't want to because the lady scared me.
  
• Being asked to read something out loud during Primary class. I couldn't see it because I needed glasses and I was embarrassed.
  
• Having to memorize a talk for Primary. I was really nervous.
  
• Having my mom sub in a Primary class and having her scold me for calling her "teacher" in front of everyone.
  
• In Kindergarten, making a suggestion to sing a song and having the teacher scold me for being inappropriate, in front of the whole class. (and yes, it was inappropriate, but what do I know? I'm 5)
  
• Being humiliated in 2nd grade for breaking something that was on the teacher's desk and being scolded repeatedly by the teacher (who was just crabby anyway, I might add).

In some ways, looking back, I feel like I was always teetering on the edge, but nothing had pushed me over...yet.

Post-6th grade: (mostly in sequential order)

• Getting called on in class (during all grades really)
  
• Having to give an impromptu speech in middle school - mortifying
  
• Having to give a speech (memorized poem) in high school and not remembering the words
  
• My mom subbing in YW and having her criticize an answer I gave in front of everyone.
  
• Getting scolded by my mother for not subbing for her by leading the music in sacrament meeting. Little did she know it wasn't about not wanting to help her. It was that it completely debilitated me to even think about doing it.
  
• College - at an LDS school - having to go around the room and introduce ourselves in every class. Kill me.
  
• Having to bear my testimony in front of my roommates. Thanks home teachers.
  
• First out-of-college job - boss was critical and wrote me up for things I did wrong.
  
• **Working at a job where I was criticized by my boss. This was my first experience tripping over my words and not being able to answer the phone because I would get so anxious. My co-worker would sit and watch me and taunt me when I stumbled over my words. I called in sick for a week right after starting my job.
  
• *Presenting to my company and shaking, being told I looked so nervous. I was so humiliated.
  
• **Graduate school - socially and school work related. [time frame: I had just broken up with my boyfriend and moved away from my family; moved in with a weird girl as a roommate I didn't know].
  

  Everyone in the grad program wanted to be friends and get together. I wanted to stay away. They always asked me why I didn't come to things. In class we had discussions all the time. I knew I had to contribute for my grade. There were only about 10 of us. I had a totally rude male teacher who belittled those of us who were more introverted. Caused one girl to leave the program. He's on my hit list.

  
  
• *Having to speak out during company meetings.
  
• *Having to perform a song during a company party and, after it was over, my boyfriend telling me I had looked so nervous - like I was going to throw up. Thanks.
  
• *Served in a calling at church with a leader who was very judgmental. I felt critiqued every time we were together.
  
• ****The job where The Fear finally seized me on a new level and pushed me over the edge. [Timeline: I had just gotten a new job + new place to live + broke up with long time boyfriend + huge new calling in my ward].
  

  This job required me to introduce myself in front of a huge circle of co-workers. I was seized with fear and anxiety at an entirely new level. It had never been this bad before. Seriously. I wanted to die. I was shaking. My face was distorted. I stumbled over my words. I had never felt such distress in my life. It was awful. And my co-worker told me I had looked like I was totally freaked out and wondered what was wrong with me. Nail in the coffin.

  
  

  From that day forward, I was anxious every time I went to work. I wanted to avoid meetings. I also had to give weekly presentations so I would agonize over them and would get choked up while presenting. I called in sick for a week. Everyone thought I was seriously ill. I was ill. Mentally. I even began becoming anxious meeting with customers one-on-one. I had reached a new low.

  
  
• My new big church calling (in a leader position)...required meetings. Lots of them. I called in sick to my own meeting.
  
• Impromptu singing invitation (in front of everyone) at our ward party - that girl's on my hit list too
  
• Singing in the ward choir - okay for a while but had to stop because my throat started to close up and I couldn't sing due to nerves

......At this point I was in my early 30's and had been single all my life. That was also a stressor and a topic for another blog! Being single in a family-focused church. Anyway, I decided to move to Utah to find happiness and true love...and although that part of my story has a happy ending, there were new stressors with this new situation.

• New surroundings
  
• New roommates
  
• New singles ward
  
• New calling
  
• **New job with a controlling, critical boss. Hated meeting one-on-one with her. I used to have to picture the calming sounds of the sea rolling onto the shore so I would calm down in her office. I was on heightened alert any time I met with her.
  
• Hated work meetings. Had to contribute. Felt humiliated and saw the looks on their faces as I trembled with fear in a group of 5.
  
• ***Horrid moment when I was talking with 2 co-workers. One of them asked me about my background and I completely lost it. I was shaking, squirming, choking, stammering, blushing. I was up against a corner and couldn't run. I was caught off guard and seized with fear. It was a horrible, humiliating moment I relived often. These were my friends. It was so awkward. What was wrong with me?
  
• *Home teachers would come to our home and ask me questions in front of my roommates. I would blush and squirm and choke out my answers as my face contorted. I wanted so badly to find a way out of having home teachers come. I tried to avoid them but one of them was too persistent.
  
• Met and married my sweetheart. This was not a bad stressor, it was the very best one.
  
• ***Bridal shower. One of the worst nights of my life. On the spot. Surrounded by people looking at me. My mother and sisters were there. People I grew up with. I've never been so uncomfortable in my life. I didn't care if I had to die in order for it to end.
  
• **Wedding Day. Torturous wedding ceremony. Thought I would pass out or run out. Torturous wedding reception line. Person after person. I've never felt as much relief as I did when we drove away to our honeymoon.
  
• New apartment in a shared house. No privacy. They saw our every coming and going. They heard what we were doing. Even walking to our mailbox was a nightmare because there were always neighbors wanting to talk. There will be a post about living in Utah as an LDS woman with social anxiety because it is SO necessary!...anyway, continuing on...
  
• New ward - people dropping by.
  
• New callings
  
• **** Visiting teaching. The day I broke and will never be the same.

First visiting teaching visit in a new ward. Instead of the visit being about me finding out about her, it was her and my companion wanting to know everything about me. I was on stage. I was on high alert. I was squirming and struggling, choking, contorting. I wanted to run out of that house. Every time I answered a question, I tried to turn the conversation back on them...and they would immediately turn it back on me. I was red, hot, choking, I had to get out. It was the most uncomfortable 45 minutes of my life...it may as well have lasted an eternity.

This was my breaking point. I curled up. Closed up. Built up the wall. I shut down. Away from people.

I came home and began sobbing to my husband and in-between sobs, everything came tumbling out. I was broken and didn't know how to fix myself. I was an oddity. I was psychotic. I was mentally ill. I was a freak. I sobbed. Then my in-laws called to say they were dropping by. Um, no. So I left the house, drove around and called my sister that I knew would never judge me and told her the whole sad story. I even got in touch with someone she knew to give me a trial of anti-anxiety meds (more about that later). I finally felt some relief.

My sweet husband listened and tried to understand, but for those of us with social anxiety, we know people often try to understand, but they can't possibly really understand unless they've lived it. But he tried and he still tries to this day and that's all I can ask for.

From that day on I avoided visiting teaching. Every time my companion would set up an appointment I would cancel at the last minute and she would go alone. I never went back to that first house again. And in a state of frenzy, I finally called the VT coordinator (who also happened to be my partner - kill me) and told her I didn't want to be a visiting teacher anymore for personal reasons. That was humiliating.

But let us not forget, I also had a visiting teacher. A dreaded visiting teacher. One I avoided. One I loathed. One I felt completely exposed in front of. She was way too bold. Way too invasive. Way too nosey. Way too personal. Poor thing was just trying to fulfill her calling...but to me she was the she-devil. I wanted her to go away and stay away. She wouldn't, until I finally stopped her. No I didn't kill her. I called the RS President and gave her some truth. I told her about my anxiety and that I needed the she-devil to go away. I love that woman, the RS Pres, not the she-devil - in case that wasn't already implied. She not only validated what I was feeling because her child had gone through it, she also rescued me. She became the person who visited me with no one else. And she pulled the plug on me being a VT until I was ready to come back. In the four years we lived there I was never again a VT. That first visit haunted me and held me back because I couldn't get over it.

And I just have to mention that because of our LDS culture and living in Utah, everyone around me was LDS. And anyone at any time talks about who they VT and who their VT's are...deadly when every neighbor is LDS. I would squirm whenever the subject was brought up, which was often, because what would I say? "I don't have them and I don't do it because I'm a freak." Another reason to want to move to a remote island.

And I can't leave out Home Teachers. I dreaded every week because they might just want to show up after church. They always asked so many questions. I wanted to "cancel" them all together like I had the VT but since my husband was involved AND the people we lived with just so happened to be in charge of HT assignments (just my luck) I felt trapped. Instead, they would still come over (on any given dreaded Sunday) and sometimes I would say I didn't feel well and hide in the bedroom until they left, or I would have gone to unexpectedly "helping a friend". And yes, other times I squirmed through it and lived to tell but just as quickly as they left, dreaded the next time they would come over. It's amazing how quickly a month goes by.

Conclusions...

Sadly, as I read over this post I came to a startling conclusion. My whole life has been one of fear. I have always been trying to get away from uncomfortable situations or uncomfortable people. In my mind, I seem to always have had bosses who were "critical". Always had people who wanted to expose me. Always had people in my life who "wouldn't leave me alone". Always, always, always. In my mind. Whether real or not. No wonder I'm exhausted. The fear has overwhelmed my life. I have viewed every situation with fear. Every person with fear. Everything with fear, dread and anxiety. Thirty-nine years of fear. Thirty-nine years too many.

I'd love to hear your story, if you'd like to share it. Sharing has opened my eyes. And now the realities, although startling at times, are helping me make some sense of this. And slowly I'll find a way out.