Yesterday was Easter - the most glorious of all Sundays.
The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was intent on going to church and doing my calling, no matter how difficult it was.
With my new perspective, going to church and fulfilling my calling despite my hardships as my gift to the Lord, I felt more at peace about going. I knew it wasn't about me anymore. It was about Them. It was a day to remember our Savior. It was a day to show Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father that I would not let social anxiety be greater than my love and gratitude for them. I wouldn't let my fears stop me from honoring them especially on this most special of all days, Easter.
I went to church with a mix of purpose and apprehension, because honestly, you never know what's going to happen. But I was there. And I wasn't going to let my social anxiety stop me from doing what I knew was right.
Yes, there were still long breaks in-between classes that made me want to choke. Time when chit-chat filled the room and I sat there staring into my purse like there was something important to find. But bathroom breaks and trips to the drinking fountain filled in some of the gaps and after a bit of squirming, class started.
During class we broke up into small groups. Without my new outlook, I don't know if I could have done it. And after class I had to talk to my visiting teachers. But the truth was, I could handle it. I was able to handle it all because I knew it wasn't about me. It was about showing my obedience, love and honor to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. If I had skipped out on any of it, I would be disrespecting them. And I wouldn't do that.
Pressing forward despite my social anxiety, is my gift to God and my Savior. There is power in this new perspective. I have already felt it.
Last week I was able to will myself to sit through a visit with our new Home Teachers. I wanted to skip out so badly, but knew I wouldn't be allowing these men to fulfill their callings if I didn't go. So with my new intent in mind, to press forward for Them, I went.
I'm still not ready to be a visiting teacher yet. I'm still not ready to have my visiting teachers come over. But I have a feeling, that with this new outlook I will be able to get there.
Dear One LDS Woman -
ReplyDeleteI, too, struggle with the social anxiety and struggle with some of the same aspects of church that you do. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.
However, I also struggle with a side effect of SA that I do not find addressed on any of the websites or blogs. This is social exclusion in the LDS church and feeling as thought I do not fit in with the women. Knowing that the women at church are great friends and do things socially outside of church but I am not included is very painful. It adds to my feelings of rejection and compound my social anxieties. It makes church attendance very difficult.
Just this Sunday the RS lesson was on sisterhood and unity. It was nice and cozy and safe. However, how about a real discussion about why need need a lesson on unity in the first place? How about some emotional honesty about what we are doing or not doing? Unfortunately, I left RS feeling worse.
Do you have any thoughts or advice?
Thank you.
I want you to know how much I LOVE your blog, and for the hope and encouragement it gives me: that I am not alone, and that others know all too well the pain and heartache I go through every single day, and every single Sunday, with SA. Keep up the good work...I look forward to reading your posts, and I know there are many other women out there who read this blog, too (but may not necessarily comment.) hugs :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, dear reader, for your sweet comment! Sometimes I wonder, as I ramble on, whether anyone is even reading. :) I'm so glad you are able to gain something by knowing you're not alone and that people out there share the same feelings you do! Hugs to you too :)
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