The current state of my socially anxious mind

As the weeks and months pass, I often reflect about how I'm doing. Am I any closer to "getting over" social anxiety? Does anyone ever really get over it? Do I dare test myself by taking a risk? Or do I just not care enough anymore to try? Have I forgotten how to care about people? Will my life always be guarded; with walls stretched up around my ever enclosing small circle?

I really don't know how to answer some of those questions.

In some ways I feel like I'm closing in on myself.

The other day I wondered what it would be like to stay in my house and only go out when needed. Never going to work, never going to church, never having to go to a social event I didn't want to, never having to meet with people, not having to deal with people anymore.

Speaking of never going to church again, it just so happens that tomorrow is Sunday.

It's December. That means tithing settlement. Which means meeting with the Bishop. He's a nice man, but do I want to go in and meet with him and have him ask me about how I'm doing? No. I don't. He'll ask me about the Christmas party we didn't attend last night. My husband would probably have gone if I had wanted to, but I said I didn't care and so neither did he. So we didn't go. But the anticipation of being asked about it is haunting the back of my mind.

Tomorrow is also our first meeting with our home teachers. It's a double doozie. In some ways I just want to get it all over with on one Sunday, but in most ways I don't want to do it at all. Ever. Taking care of it all on one Sunday just means I'll dread the whole day and be exhausted after it's done. It really doesn't make it any better at all.

Every time I think about the events of tomorrow I want to say I can't go. I want to make my husband go alone. I want to say I don't feel well. And then I picture him having to stand for both of us and it makes me feel horrible for not being a better wife. He deserves more than that. He deserves an equal partner. So I'll make myself do it all, even though none of me wants to do any of it. And it makes me want to run away from church and hide forever just thinking about it.

I always say to myself, you can run but you can't hide from Mormons. No disrespect, but it's true. On the good side, someone's always looking out for you. On the bad side, someone's always looking out for you.

Speaking of such an example, it has almost gotten comical with the RS President. I swear she is on a mission to get me to socialize. One way or another. I think she feel's she's been inspired to save me from something.

I posted a while back that she came over and we talked about my husband and my inability to have kids and also that I've been having episodes with anxiety and haven't felt able to socialize or visit teach.

Since that time she has called and emailed a few times. I haven't called her back, but have sent an email response or two. I know she means well (I can't write about her without saying that) but frankly, she just. doesn't. get it.

Even after our visit where I spoke about not wanting to attend social events due to anxiety, and even after two separate emails stating I am not comfortable with socializing yet "due to my anxiety in social situations", she continues to invite me to every RS social event throughout the year. Her emails begin with, "So are you coming to the dinner on Friday?" or her voice mails have been, "Are you coming to the such and such activity? I don't know how to get a hold of you" (always with desperation in her voice).

My husband and I had to laugh the other day at yet another one of her emails. She wrote, again, asking if I was going to attend a certain activity. I finally decided I'd better spell it out, since she clearly wasn't understanding our conversation about my need to bow out of social activities.

Before sending it, I must have revised her email at least a million times, so I was sure to articulate it in a way that would prevent future misunderstandings. Each time I revised it I read it to my husband and he would say, "I'm not sure she's going to get it." But the final version seemed to be precise enough without shouting it at her. Then, hysterically enough, within hours of sending it off, she sent me an invitation to a RS party later that week. And all we could do was laugh. Oh well, I tried.

So the current state of my socially anxious mind is just as it's always been. I haven't picked up my therapy since July of this year and have been up to my old avoidance tricks. I know I should start my home therapy again if I'm ever going to 1. care about people again 2. like going to church again; 3. ever visit teach again; 4. make more money by working full-time at a job that matches my skill level again and 5. I guess in a nutshell, not dread everything that involves people.

The end.

Well, not really the end, if after tomorrow's daunting day I live to tell.
See you then. Hopefully.