The truth is, I only went to sacrament meeting today.
We almost didn't go at all. I was even in my dress when my husband teased me about taking the day off. My eyes brightened. My mood lifted. Really? Can we really skip today? Oh please?? But no, he had to go for his calling. [Don't tease me like that. It's like taunting a ravenous lion with a plastic steak.] So we compromised and decided we'd at least go to sacrament meeting. (I'm such a bad influence)
I could have pulled it together and stayed for all the meetings, I mean I was already sitting in the pew for heaven sakes, and I knew I was just letting myself down by not staying, but the thought of being there for all of the drudgery was too much. At least I was going for sacrament meeting. It had been a while and I knew I needed to go.
The truth is, I had only gone to church two times last month.
One week was a skip day, the other I was out of town. To be honest, it was nice to have a breather, but it's always so much harder to come back. I see today as taking a few baby steps by going to one meeting, even though I should have stayed for it all. I've just succeeded in making next week all the harder.
The truth is, I wish I was someone else sometimes.
Doesn't it seem easier to be someone else? I know it doesn't make sense because we all have our own set of problems to deal with (and many people have it much worse), but I wished I was someone else today.
I wished I was someone who loved coming to church. I longed to be comfortable there and to look around the room and see some of my best friends. I wished I could be one of the strong women who stood up and testified that she loved the Lord, loved our ward and loved coming to church. I wished I didn't feel so disconnected sitting in a room full of amazing people, while wishing I was safe on my couch at home. I wished I didn't worry about my home teachers approaching us for a visit and trying to avoid them every Sunday. I wish every Sunday I didn't count down the minutes until I could leave and check "going to church" off my list.
But there was more. As I looked out over the congregation, I saw happy husbands and wives with lively little children. I always imagined we would have lots of kids snuggled around us, surrounded by big bags of coloring books, crayons, sippy cups and tupperware filled with cheerios and fish crackers. I couldn't wait for the day I got to take my baby out of a meeting. What a great excuse! "I'm sorry, I can't come to relief society, I have to feed the baby".
But since we weren't able to have kids, not only will I never get to use that excuse (drat!), every Sunday, our empty bench is a painful reminder of our barren nest. Today, as I watched one of the beautiful mothers with the long chestnut hair, bounce her pink cheeked little girl out to the mother's room, I wished I was her.
And that is the truth for today.
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