I'm always drawn back to blogging when my social anxiety begins to bubble over. The thoughts that overwhelm my mind need somewhere to go or they'll just keep swirling around in my head, leaving me 1 bus stop away from crazytown.
The truth is, I thought I'd gotten better. But it's probably because I've mastered the art of avoidance instead of actually conquering social anxiety. It's been pretty peaceful for the most part. I've narrowed down what I'll do at church to a minimum to avoid too much distress. I've narrowed down what kind of risks I'll take at work to keep things as predictable as possible. I've narrowed down my social circle and social activities to stay as small as possible for maximum peace of mind. But the reality is, that the world is much bigger than my narrow, small place, and it has begun to creep in again and I feel myself starting to get rattled.
So What's the Big Deal?
In a nutshell, I'm freaking out because we have to move and that means starting in a new ward (possibly in my older sister's ward - aaahhhh!) AND I feel pressure to get another job because we can't make ends meet. It's keeping me up at night, people!!
New Apartment/New Ward
So many things stress me about about this. How can we move (everything's astronomically expensive)? Where is "the right place"? Is it safe and quiet? And of course, starting a new ward =
Choke Hold! I almost can't breathe when I think of welcome talks, new people, or even worse - people I know
that I didn't know were in that ward!, new callings, visiting teaching,
new home teachers.....do I tell them I'm a freak and don't want visiting teachers?...yadda yadda yadda...you know the drill. It's enough to put me in the hospital.
Sister's Ward
And
if all that panic wasn't enough, I keep feeling drawn to live in an
area that would put us in my older sister's ward. The older sister who
would squish me like a bug. She is everything I'm not - outgoing and
very involved - heading up committees, volunteering for things, pick me,
pick me, pick me! I kind of go into a pre-coma-like-state thinking of
what it would be like in her ward. She has no idea how withdrawn I've
become as far as church is concerned. In and Out. That's my motto. I
just imagine all the things she'd volunteer me for, or ask me to participate in, or embarrass me in Sunday School or Relief Society, or make
fun of me after I give my welcome talk (she has a habit of doing that "all in fun"). Thinking of being in her ward shreds what little sense of self I have left, into a pile of dust. Poof.
And then on the other hand, the little angel on my shoulder says if the Lord is directing us there, is it because my sister could bring me back from the dead (so to speak), and her "over-activity" will actually draw me out of my stupor and I'll finally feel involved, part of a ward family, and happy about being at church??......?? ......?? hmmmmm it's a stretch Charlie Brown. Is being in her ward really what the Lord wants us to do? Really? No, really????
I told my
husband yesterday that this whole process of trying to decipher what the Lord's telling us, as we drive from apartment to apartment and struggle to know the right area to live in, feels a lot like playing the hot-cold game. You feel yourself getting warmer and it feels like it might be the
right area and then it gets colder so you turn another direction and
begin looking as it gets warmer, warmer and then colder, colder. Ugh! It's messing with my head!
The Job
The next big thing chipping away at my psyche is getting another job. The truth is, the thoughts of getting a new job where I have to learn a new skill and interact with new people every day for 8 hours is about as stressful for me as going in for brain surgery.
For a very long time I've felt a lot of guilt about not getting a better job so we could afford a home, etc. since my husband hasn't finished his eduction or gotten a job that can support us. I'm a very educated woman without the emotional ability to work at a
job that pays what I'm worth. It makes me sick. It makes me feel guilty.
It makes me feel awful that my family and husband don't understand what holds me back and probably just see me as lazy. It makes me angry that the financial burden falls on my shoulders since my husband hasn't been able to provide adequately.
When I think of getting a new job at a higher level of expectation and pay, I think back to all the horrible moments at other jobs
that almost broke me. All the jobs I quit because I couldn't handle it
after so long. I don't think I can do it again. It's like a protective
voice is shouting, "Oh no, I won't fall for that again!" Social anxiety
continues to stifle my potential, my abilities, and keeps me in safe jobs instead of successful
ones. There is no money in that. Just pennies, want and guilt. I feel so trapped and debilitated.
Is Hoping Enough?
I feel like my life is out of my control. Social anxiety controls me and everything I do. It holds me back in so many ways I've lost count. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Push myself into things that I hope won't break me? Hoping doesn't make it so. Hoping that by changing my circumstances and pushing myself that I suddenly won't have social anxiety? That doesn't make a lot of sense. Truthfully, I just don't have the confidence that it wouldn't be as bad or worse as other bad moments have been. I learn from my mistakes and protect myself from them happening again. Why should things suddenly be different?
Sometimes I daydream, that in a new place I could just start over and be whoever I wanted to be. I could act like I was a friendly, outgoing person who attended all the activities and fake my way through it like an actress on stage. But I wonder how long, realistically, that would last before I withdrew back into myself?
I wish I could snap my fingers and be a different person. To feel unafraid for one small moment.
I'm not sure what will happen in the coming weeks, but we'll just keep moving forward and seek the Lord in all of our decisions. Even if I don't trust myself sometimes, at least I trust Him.
