I'm lonely - so leave me alone?

Sunday was difficult, being Father's Day.
If you've read my previous posts, you know my husband and I were not able to have kids. On days like this and Mother's Day, my already heaping scoop of social anxiety gets whipped cream and a cherry on top. Oh joy! I already feel awkward at church and now I can even feel MORE awkward!

I've already decided that next year we're not going to either Sunday.

Ironically, it was 1 week shy of a Sunday 5 years ago that I wrote this post pretty much summing up exactly how I was feeling again. My how time flies, but the same issues seem to stick around. Ugh.

I had already been on edge since last Sunday because my visiting teacher cornered me after sacrament meeting, asking which day I could see her. "Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday?" I caught on that her approach was much more focused instead of the generic, "when could we get together?" She had changed strategies. Good for her. She was hoping for better results. I stammered a bit about needing to check my calendar, and that I would let her know. I stewed about it all week and returned an email to her earlier this week saying I was trying to work out a few things with my schedule. (yah right). I've gone back and forth a million times about whether I should just let her come over or if I'd freak out and regret ever opening the door? Once it's open, it's not easily closed.

One of you left a comment about how you were just honest with your RS president about your anxiety and asked not to do vising teaching for a while. I know I'm just in denial, like everyone will just stop asking and disappear, but I really need to decide whether I have the guts to tell my RS to take me off the list. It's gutsy and takes courage. I did it in my last ward, but of course after the RS change of hands, the message got dropped somehow and I ended up back on the list! It's easier just to keep avoiding everyone, although it doesn't make anyone feel any better.

I fight between feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone. Hey, I like you! Wait, don't come over here! You seem so fun! Go away! I know what it's like to have good friends and to laugh til your stomach hurts and to feel totally validated by someone. I know how good friendship can feel and I ache for it to come back, but in the same breath I don't let anyone close enough lately to become that kind of friend.

I look around at people at church that seem like the coolest people, and think to myself, I would totally be their friend if I felt like I could be. It's like I'm watching the world from a glass bubble.

************************************THE NEXT DAY>>>>>>

I had somewhat of an epiphany last night after writing this post, although I hadn't finished it. The thought of feeling lonely, but pushing everyone away, kept going through my mind. Did I really want to feel this alone all the time?

Part of my feelings of loneliness were fueled by feeling bad about avoiding my visiting teachers and imagining a life full of void, but the tip of the iceberg was attending an event Saturday by myself and feeling like the last person on the planet without a friend. I'm not normally a depressed person, but seeing crowds of people with friends and family buzzing around them and happiness flowing, while being alone, was a hard pill to swallow. It felt gross.

Knowing I needed a pick-me-up, I turned back to this blog, of all places, and recalled a post I'd written on how addiction relapse is painfully similar to social anxiety relapse. After re-reading the 11 signs of addiction relapse, I knew that I was going down the same negative spiral that would get me nowhere but lonely and helpless. I felt pretty low at this point and thoughts of a lonely life and never going back to church were floating through my mind.

Then it was time to leave to get together with family to celebrate Father's Day. Being around my family is one of the best ways to be reminded how wonderful it feels to be around people who love you and just get you. It is the opposite of lonely. I felt like a real person again, not some timid little mouse hiding in the corner, afraid that someone will talk to her. I was myself. I was happy. And my attitude shifted. I was not going to let negative thinking lead me to a lonely, dark place. I needed to take action.

This morning I emailed my visiting teacher and told her that I am not "traditional" when it comes to visiting teaching and that I am not comfortable with sitting and chatting. I returned her invitation by asking her if she wanted to take a walk with me and we could get to know each other that way. I also told her that in the past, monthly emails are appreciated instead of visits. I laid it out in a way that I felt comfortable with and hope it is well-received.

I also emailed the visiting teaching coordinator and apologized for totally dropping the ball and asked her to re-assign my partner so she actually had someone to go with. I told her that due to some anxiety issues I'm having that I need to take a break for a while.

There. It's done. I'm going to give this woman a chance who will come and see me on Wednesday. I hope I'm still feeling as ambitious by then! Ha! I don't want to feel isolated and alone, so I will reach out in the way I feel comfortable, a little at a time.

If I survive, I'll let you know how it goes. ☺
Sending happy thoughts your way as well....xo

Social anxiety leads, I follow

I'm always drawn back to blogging when my social anxiety begins to bubble over. The thoughts that overwhelm my mind need somewhere to go or they'll just keep swirling around in my head, leaving me 1 bus stop away from crazytown.

The truth is, I thought I'd gotten better. But it's probably because I've mastered the art of avoidance instead of actually conquering social anxiety. It's been pretty peaceful for the most part. I've narrowed down what I'll do at church to a minimum to avoid too much distress. I've narrowed down what kind of risks I'll take at work to keep things as predictable as possible. I've narrowed down my social circle and social activities to stay as small as possible for maximum peace of mind. But the reality is, that the world is much bigger than my narrow, small place, and it has begun to creep in again and I feel myself starting to get rattled.

So What's the Big Deal?
In a nutshell, I'm freaking out because we have to move and that means starting in a new ward (possibly in my older sister's ward - aaahhhh!) AND I feel pressure to get another job because we can't make ends meet. It's keeping me up at night, people!!

New Apartment/New Ward
So many things stress me about about this. How can we move (everything's astronomically expensive)? Where is "the right place"? Is it safe and quiet? And of course, starting a new ward = Choke Hold! I almost can't breathe when I think of welcome talks, new people, or even worse - people I know that I didn't know were in that ward!, new callings, visiting teaching, new home teachers.....do I tell them I'm a freak and don't want visiting teachers?...yadda yadda yadda...you know the drill. It's enough to put me in the hospital.

Sister's Ward
And if all that panic wasn't enough, I keep feeling drawn to live in an area that would put us in my older sister's ward. The older sister who would squish me like a bug. She is everything I'm not - outgoing and very involved - heading up committees, volunteering for things, pick me, pick me, pick me! I kind of go into a pre-coma-like-state thinking of what it would be like in her ward. She has no idea how withdrawn I've become as far as church is concerned. In and Out. That's my motto. I just imagine all the things she'd volunteer me for, or ask me to participate in, or embarrass me in Sunday School or Relief Society, or make fun of me after I give my welcome talk (she has a habit of doing that "all in fun"). Thinking of being in her ward shreds what little sense of self I have left, into a pile of dust. Poof.

And then on the other hand, the little angel on my shoulder says if the Lord is directing us there, is it because my sister could bring me back from the dead (so to speak), and her "over-activity" will actually draw me out of my stupor and I'll finally feel involved, part of a ward family, and happy about being at church??......?? ......?? hmmmmm it's a stretch Charlie Brown. Is being in her ward really what the Lord wants us to do? Really? No, really????

I told my husband yesterday that this whole process of trying to decipher what the Lord's telling us, as we drive from apartment to apartment and struggle to know the right area to live in, feels a lot like playing the hot-cold game. You feel yourself getting warmer and it feels like it might be the right area and then it gets colder so you turn another direction and begin looking as it gets warmer, warmer and then colder, colder. Ugh! It's messing with my head!

The Job
The next big thing chipping away at my psyche is getting another job. The truth is, the thoughts of getting a new job where I have to learn a new skill and interact with new people every day for 8 hours is about as stressful for me as going in for brain surgery.

For a very long time I've felt a lot of guilt about not getting a better job so we could afford a home, etc. since my husband hasn't finished his eduction or gotten a job that can support us.  I'm a very educated woman without the emotional ability to work at a job that pays what I'm worth. It makes me sick. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel awful that my family and husband don't understand what holds me back and probably just see me as lazy. It makes me angry that the financial burden falls on my shoulders since my husband hasn't been able to provide adequately.

When I think of getting a new job at a higher level of expectation and pay, I think back to all the horrible moments at other jobs that almost broke me. All the jobs I quit because I couldn't handle it after so long. I don't think I can do it again. It's like a protective voice is shouting, "Oh no, I won't fall for that again!" Social anxiety continues to stifle my potential, my abilities, and keeps me in safe jobs instead of successful ones. There is no money in that. Just pennies, want and guilt. I feel so trapped and debilitated.

Is Hoping Enough?
I feel like my life is out of my control. Social anxiety controls me and everything I do. It holds me back in so many ways I've lost count. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Push myself into things that I hope won't break me? Hoping doesn't make it so. Hoping that by changing my circumstances and pushing myself that I suddenly won't have social anxiety? That doesn't make a lot of sense. Truthfully, I just don't have the confidence that it wouldn't be as bad or worse as other bad moments have been. I learn from my mistakes and protect myself from them happening again. Why should things suddenly be different?

Sometimes I daydream, that in a new place I could just start over and be whoever I wanted to be. I could act like I was a friendly, outgoing person who attended all the activities and fake my way through it like an actress on stage. But I wonder how long, realistically, that would last before I withdrew back into myself?

I wish I could snap my fingers and be a different person. To feel unafraid for one small moment.

I'm not sure what will happen in the coming weeks, but we'll just keep moving forward and seek the Lord in all of our decisions. Even if I don't trust myself sometimes, at least I trust Him.

My drama-filled dialogue

Wow. Sunday was a big day for me. I had to be involved in something that brought on MAJOR anxiety. I mean the kind that makes your heart beat out of your chest and you think you're going to faint when it's your turn to do your thing.

My thoughts were racing as quickly as my heart. I could feel my face getting red. As I sat waiting for my turn to go up, I weakly attempted to talk myself down from the wall with "thoughts of ocean waves rolling in"....no, that's not working..."a field of sweet-smelling flowers"...attempting slow breathing techniques...but in the end reality took over. Who am I kidding?? I'm in the middle of relief society and have to get up in front of everyone in about 3 minutes. There's not an ocean or flower big enough to calm me down! And then it was my turn.

As I stood in front of the group, fear gripped me around the throat. Usually when I'm in front of people doing my thing, the anxiety eventually reaches a peak and then starts to die down, but the whole time I felt breathy, trying to breathe normally as my throat closed up and I had to keep swallowing or I'd choke. Thoughts raced through my head, "What if I pass-out? No, that can't happen. Wait, yes it can! I've seen people do it on tv! Just breathe!" (such drama-filled inner dialogue).

But luckily I didn't pass out and made it through but oh. my. gosh. it was exhausting. I was still a bundle of nerves when I was done. Oh the inner woe! No one in that room knew doing my part nearly killed me. Like for reals.

In the church hallway, my husband asked me how it went and I replied, choking back a laugh, "It went pretty well" knowing that when we got in the car I was going to unleash the monster. And I did. I don't think I stopped talking the entire ride home, spitting out every last obnoxious detail. Kind of like I do here. ha!

He was kind of stunned and didn't really know how to respond. I mean how do you respond when someone blurts out such nonsense a mile a minute... "I thought I was literally going to pass out and my heart was pounding and I thought I was choking and I didn't know whether I could make it so I tried to think of the ocean and slow my breathing but nothing worked and then it was my turn and I felt totally freaked out but I finally made it through and lived to tell" kind of lunacy. Poor dear. He has to listen to this whenever I do something that pushes me over the edge.

And when I finally got home, not only did I want to eat everything in sight, I also wanted to go to bed and sleep for 1,000 hours. It sucked me dry people. The rest of the day was a blur.

I'm reminded again and again every time I have a panic attack / social anxiety attack how much our thinking affects us. I know it's all psychological. My mind knows it, but I haven't figured out how to connect that to my body. Hopefully one of these days I will.

Why I eat chips on Sunday

I just got home from church. Yes, I made it today. (loud cheering)

But I'm not gonna lie. I sped walked to the car (the door didn't have time to hit me on the way out) and the whole drive home all I could think about was what I got to eat when I got home. Getting there and surviving a whole 3 hours at church?! This girl gets a reward! It's so sad. They also call it e m o t i o n a l  e a t i n g. :|

But man, why is it so painful every week?! Aaahhhkkk!! I'm trying to do what's right and hope that it will get better and sometimes it does (like I mentioned after attending the temple), but some weeks are very difficult and the road ahead seems very long.

It's like a job I can't quit.
That sounds so wrong, but it's how I feel.

A word that comes to mind is torturous. Going to church really is weekly mental torture for people like me with social anxiety who don't like to share, who don't like to read aloud, who don't like to get up in front of people, who don't like to contribute to discussions, who don't like to socialize, who don't like working in groups...it's all the things we fear.

I love feeling the spirit of God fill and touch my heart. It's not the gospel that's difficult. It lifts me up and brings me such joy. I love sitting through sacrament meeting and feeling the spirit. I love having moments where I gain new insight and inspiration. In sacrament meeting there is no fear, no worry, only peace. I can soak up all the goodness of what's around me instead of wondering if I'll be called on, talked to or have to sit in a circle to share. It is the lack of fear that allows me to just be and it feels so good.

But as sacrament meeting comes to a close, the fear engages and I know I have 2 more difficult hours ahead. How I wish I could simply be a fly on the wall to feel God's spirit and love, and continue learning the beautiful things of the gospel...while remaining unseen and unnoticed.

I know other people have challenges that are probably much more difficult in other ways than I do, but this really is hard. I see my life ahead with these same feelings every day and it's hard to face. It makes me want to curl up in a ball. How I wish the Lord would take this difficulty from me. It has changed me so much. I feel like I've lost much of who I am because of it. I look back in time and almost don't recognize the bubbly, enthusiastic person I once was. Now I just try to keep to myself so no one breaks into my safe zone.

And that, my friends, is why I eat chips on Sunday. Or ice cream. Or cake. Or anything I can to reward myself for making it one more Sunday.

Now please pass the Doritos, we have home teachers coming in 15 minutes.

Exceeded my anxiety limit for the week

I'll put it out there.

I didn't go to church Sunday.
Reason: Exceeded weekly anxiety limit

Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel emotionally depleted and if you have one more social encounter, you might snap? That's me right now. Last week was one of those weeks.

Each anxiety producing situation I go through doesn't build me up for the next one, it slowly chips away at my reserves, until they're empty.

In addition to the new level of social interaction I'm expected to do at work, I also had a big church meeting last week where I was in charge of something (i.e. all eyes on me).

The church meeting was the most stressful and topped the charts on my anxiety meter. I had to excuse myself from the group a couple of times and go to the bathroom, all the while telling myself over and over again to pull it together, that I would be fine.

Back in the meeting, I tried to assess over and over again whether I had reached the safe zone where they wouldn't call on me again...or would all eyes suddenly turn on me? This anticipation and worry all but shot my nerves through the roof. I thought I was going to crack. Despite feeling nauseous a few times, I got through it, but at the end I was running on fumes.

To round off the week we had a big family gathering the next day. Social gatherings, period, deplete me. Even around my family. No matter who I'm with, I still don't like to be the center of attention and at big family events there is a lot of interaction and talking and sharing. Some days it's not a big deal, but other times (especially after a major social-anxiety-producing-event like the day before) it's too much. I felt like I was still trying to coax myself down from the ceiling and was not ready to jump into social mode again. But it was time, nonetheless.

Flash forward to Sunday.
Images of smiles, hellos, my calling, awkward breaks between classes, sitting through relief society, new home teachers after church...I just couldn't do it. I needed a break so I could breathe. So I took one.

I always feel bad when I reach this point because the look on my husband's face is always one of mixed understanding and disappointment. His dad never went to church and I know that was hard for him. I don't want to disappoint him in the same way. I do try to go as many Sundays in a row as I can, but sometimes I need a breather.

I've been reading one of my "favorite" social anxiety books again (if you can really call it that). Fear is No Longer my Reality, by Jamie Blyth. Like I said several years ago when I first read it, it is like I'm reading my own story. His experiences mirror my own in a way that gives me comfort and hope, to know I'm not alone, and that someone out there totally gets it.

Here is an excerpt that describes his dreaded experience going to a friend's house for dinner:

The Cheffs are an Italian family that treats people with warmth and respect and always forces a good meal on you. Boy, could they cook. So when they insisted I come over for dinner and my stories and excuses fizzled, I trudged those hundred yards slowly, knowing this was going to be different from all those other dinners. It would have been less insulting if I shaved their dog bald than if I turned down a meal from them.

I didn't notice the stars or the moon or the snow covering the earth. My mind focused on one thing: fear. They greeted me with hugs and kisses and kindness, taking my coat and immediately offering me cookies and coffee. I produced a big fake smile and said it was good to see them.

"You look great!" Dr. Cheff said. "Miami must be treating you well...but I bet they don't make pasta there like we do."

The hollow laugh came out forced. Thirty seconds down. I tried not to stare at the clock to figure out how long I'd have to make it before dinner would be over.

We sat around the table and I quickly became the center of attention. I hadn't been to a dinner table aside from my family's in months. In fact, I had quit eating in public altogether at college, always taking meals back to my room.

I found myself squirming in my chair, coughing, gasping to form words. Everyone was looking at me. They could see how crazed I felt on the inside!

"I'm not going to make it. I've gotta get the heck out of here," I thought. "There's no escape! I'm going to be here at least another hour. I can't hold up."

I was right...I couldn't. The panic attack came on at full force. My old friend Dr. Cheff now intimidated me. It was as if his eyes burned right into me and could see all the weakness inside. I never noticed his intense stare before; his eye contact now made me physically uncomfortable. It seemed that the more calm and poised the people around me were, the more uncomfortable I became - the contrast between them and me just added to my anxiety. Dr. Cheff was the model of composure.

"Make an excuse," I thought. "Get our of here."

"Come on, Jamie," Dr. Cheff said. "Tell us one of your good stories. What's been going on at school?"

"I just study a lot," I said.

"I've always told you this. Once you put your mind to something, there is nothing that stops you."

He was reaching out to me, trying to praise me and build me up, but I could think of nothing but how pathetic I was. The more I tried to get hold of myself, the more unraveled I became. My face went red-hot. My eyes darted spastically around the room as I tried hard to slam the brakes on my panic. Certainly, they could hear my voice shaking and cracking as words tumbled out.

I didn't know what would come out of my mouth next, and I had already developed a stutter and slur to my speech that would last for a few years. The more self-conscious I was about how my voice sounded, the more choked up I became, and words just refused to come out naturally anymore. I had to force them out one by one, calculated, and they somehow got mangled between my throat and my mouth.

My heart shattered as I had to escape from this loving family who just wanted to see the Jamie they knew - the laughing kid on the back of Joe's sled. I just wasn't him anymore, and I didn't have the strength to pretend that I was.

I told them I wasn't feeling well and that I had to go. On the way home, I didn't even notice the bone-chilling winter air. I was scared of what I had become and how far I had fallen. Was there any way to climb back up from here? Back in my room, I disappeared in my bed, once again finding comfort in the darkness.
                           -pg. 55-58 Fear is No Longer my Reality, Jamie Blyth

This book was just what I needed when I found it, and still gives me comfort today. Who else better understands what you're going through, than someone who's gone through it themselves? Look for it in your local library and check it out. Believe me. He gets it. You'll feel better.

So the weekend is over and the week has begun.
Wishing all of us a good week with low anxiety. :)

Introversion : Extroversion : Shyness and Social Anxiety

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be an introvert, especially after a few large client gatherings where I had to interact like I was an extrovert. And yes, my head almost exploded.

Did you know being introverted or extroverted isn't just about being shy or outgoing? It's actually about where we get our energy; what builds us up and what depleats us.

It makes perfect sense, since for me (the introvert) social gatherings suck the life right out of me, but my sister, on the other hand (ms. extrovert), loves to be the life of the partay baby!

Here are a few quick definitions:

EXTROVERT - those who "seek outside themselves" for gratification; feel energized being around people, and find it less rewarding, even boring, to spend time alone.

Characteristics: social butterfly, enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious; energized by large social events involving a lot of people.


INTROVERT- those who "seek inward" for gratification, concerned for their own mental well-being; their energy expands through quiet reflection and is depleted during interaction. They become easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and interaction, and often show a preference for a quiet environment with little stimulation.

Characteristics: more reserved and more quiet in groups, preferring to observe and take time to think before speaking. They enjoy solitary activities like art work, computers, writing, reading, and hiking. An introvert enjoys alone time and find less enjoyment spending time with large groups of people, though may enjoy interacting with close friends.


Is why you are the way you are starting to make sense? The definition of Introvert is SO ME, I was surprised not to find my picture next to it in the dictionary.

Okay, now lets look at the difference between being shy and being introverted. When I found this definition, I slapped my head like I could have had a V8. It made perfect sense.


SHYNESS VERSUS INTROVERSION
Being introverted is not the same as being shy or socially inept. Introverts prefer solitary activities over social ones, whereas shy people (who may actually be extroverts at heart) avoid social encounters out of fear.

Ah, the fear factor. I so get that part. So when does fear go past shyness and become social anxiety?


SHYNESS VERSUS SOCIAL ANXIETY
Shyness: being reserved, timid, nervous or uncomfortable about meeting and talking to people, showing nervousness or timidity in the company of others; tending to avoid something because of nervousness, fear, dislike, etc.

Social Anxiety: Beyond shyness, social anxiety is an intense, irrational, and persistent fear of interaction and socialization with other people brought on by feelings of being scrutinized, judged or negatively evaluated by other people. Those with social anxiety often avoid social events or interactions, overwhelmed even months before a social event occurs. Social anxiety brings on symptoms such as shaking, sweating, blushing, rapid heart rate, dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea.

***If a person usually becomes (irrationally) anxious in social situations, but seems better when they are alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem. - Social Anxiety Institute


Example of shyness vs social anxiety:

"Many people are a little bit shy. If you're shy, you might be somewhat uncomfortable in situations such as going to a party where you don't know anyone, but you do it. You give yourself a push, you go to the party, after a while you relax and talk to people," says Rudolf Hoehn-Saric, MD, who heads the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. "The social phobic person, at the prospect of the same party, would be overwhelmed by such anxiety that [he or she] would have a physical reaction -- perhaps nausea, sweating, heart racing, dizziness -- and would avoid it if at all possible. It's a matter of degree."  In other words, being shy can complicate your life. Having social phobia can stop it in its tracks. " - WebMD

I don't know why, but as I researched and reflected about what all of this means, it made me feel better somehow about who I am and what I'm struggling with. It's okay to be an introvert. I love it here. It's cozy in my world. The real challenge is the outside world with all of its "extroverted things" I have to deal with. I've always been on the shyer side, and even though shyness has catapulted into social anxiety, I'll figure out a way to live my life with the best balance I know how.

Back to the beginning. As I mentioned, the client meetings I've had the last couple weeks all but pushed me over the edge. As I forced my way through each smile, laugh and conversation with clients, I had to check myself to make sure I wasn't going to pass out and crumble to the ground. I was like a robot on high gear, my voice getting higher and higher and faster and faster, until the inevitable short-circuit and firey explosion. I had to get through it because of my job, but everything inside of me wanted to go outside to get some fresh air and never come back.

The energy I had expended in each of those meetings had left me completely empty. When I came home from each event I was so drained that I went straight to bed and slept like a rock. It's amazing what sleep or just alone time can do for the introverted-socially-anxious-soul once it's been over-stimulated. The next day I had the energy I needed to go forward once again.

And move forward I shall.
Hoping the best for you as well.

It's not you it's me: the message our social anxiety sends to others

Thank you again to those of you who have taken a moment to express how this blog has helped you! It strengthens me to know that sharing my thoughts and experiences can help other people who struggle as I do.

This past Sunday at church I had a slam bam moment when I came face to face with my visiting teachers. As you may or may not know, visiting teachers are a HUGE challenge for me. You can read accounts of my nightmarish experiences in a few of my previous posts:

What caused my social anxiety
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Pushing Forward
Old Habits are Hard to Break

It's still SO awkward for me not to be a visiting teacher because of my anxiety, being in a community of people where EVERYONE ELSE IS. Man, thinking back to my last horrific visit even for a second makes me shudder with humiliation! Aaakk!

But the other awkward side is being visit taught. I asked not to have visiting teachers, but suddenly one day I was on someone's route. And to make an awkward mess even messier, I asked for emails instead of meeting with them. How weird am I? I can't even meet with two ladies in my home? It's mortifying, but less horrifying than meeting with them. I'll take the lesser of two evils I guess.

Visiting teaching in our church is like the holy grail of service. I've lost track of how many times I've heard, "I love visiting teaching! It has blessed my life in so many ways! I have made my best friends through visiting teaching!"

Back in my earlier days, I did make a good friend who had been assigned to be my visiting teacher. It was a great experience. Back at a time when sitting one-on-one with someone didn't wrap itself around my neck and choke me.

So there I stood. Face to face. Eye to eye. With the two sisters who were assigned to be my visiting teachers. They are some of the nicest ladies. They email me every month to check in and talk to me when I see them. And in a normal world, talking together like friends should be fun. It shouldn't be painful.

I choked through the first parts of our conversation and then somehow managed to put a smile on my face and tried to act normal. I tried to envision I was talking to my sister. I didn't need to feel nervous if it was my sister. And surprisingly, it helped just enough to release the choke-hold. But as each second ticked by, I kept mentally checking how I was doing and how much longer I could keep it together. It's hard to enjoy a conversation when all that's running through your mind is, Am I going to freak out? No, you're fine. Am I acting normal? How much longer are they going to keep talking to me??

As our conversation was finally coming to a close (yes!), one of the ladies turned to me and said, "You know, you can always call me. Or come over. Or just hang out with me." And I was reminded again about one of the other hardest parts about my social anxiety. The way it affects other people.

I don't like to hurt other people's feelings and I can't deny the pain I see in her eyes when she tries to reach out to me, but is rejected time and time again. She has asked me to do things with her for years and has expressed her desire to be my friend, but I never accept her invitations. Ever. It appears I don't like her or that I think I'm too good for her, or that I'm totally disinterested. If only she knew the reason behind my behavior. "It's not you, it's me!"

If she only knew the truth. If she only knew that I wish I felt comfortable enough to spend time with her and be her friend. If she only knew that my constant rejections had NOTHING at all to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with me.

I wonder how many other people my mixed messages have hurt? People reach out and invite us to dinner and I turn them down. People invite me to do things and I find an excuse. I stay away from the nicest people at church because I know they'll talk to me and want to know how I am, or even worse - ask me to do something with them. I naturally pull away from people who in my "former non-anxious life", I would have enjoyed spending time with.

It's an onion, this social anxiety. So many layers.

Social Anxiety and my youngest sister

You know the old saying, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy?" Well, in the case of social anxiety, if I can be totally honest, I actually wouldn't mind seeing some of my worst enemies get a good dose of social anxiety. If I can be honest.

But for my sister? I wouldn't wish it on her in a million, zillion years.

But it happened. My sweet sister, who's in 30's, called me a while back with an all-too-familiar story. And I hung my head and wished I could somehow take it away.

She and I have always shared the same anxiety about "going around the room" and speaking in front of people. We laugh about our fears and the strange predicaments we've found ourselves in because of them. But we are forever grateful we have each other to share, understand, and accept even the worst parts of ourselves.

But for her, on this day, her otherwise "normal" anxiety had reached a new level. It had become much bigger. Much bolder. Much more debilitating.

A class at school had finally pushed her over the edge. Her teacher was a wild card. Totally unpredictable. Totally uncaring. Totally spontaneous. And one who seemed to enjoy putting students on the spot, as if beating them into submission was the only way they would learn. A very dangerous ground for the socially anxious. Unpredictability is like a death sentence.

On this particular day, her fear of being called on was so great, that she finally broke and left early. And is the case with avoidance, she not only felt like a complete failure, but the fear wouldn't leave her. Each day was a test of her will to return to class, but the fear of humiliation was too strong. And with each passing day that she didn't return, the fear only mounted in her absence.

She didn't know how to get through it. She didn't know how to face it. She knew her future career was crumbling out from under her because of this one thing she couldn't control. It was overwhelming darkness and she couldn't see her way through it.

As I listened to her reveal her most troubling, fearful, humiliating and debilitating moments, my heart broke into a million pieces.  The things she shared were as familiar as if I were reading through an old diary, revealing my own confusing, debilitating, world changing episodes of social anxiety. I understood. To my core. In a way that only those of us who have gone through it can understand. And my heart ached for her. Please not her. Why now? She is just at the cusp of a career she has put everything on the line for. Please don't let this stop her. Not like it has stopped me.

I wanted to wish it all away. I wanted to tell her it would all get better. But I knew I couldn't promise that. Social Anxiety isn't something you can just get over or wish away. It's as real as the fear itself. It has to be acknowledged, accepted and faced over and over again. For years. Maybe even a lifetime.

I pulled out everything I knew. Everything I'd learned. Every moment I'd conquered. Every moment I'd failed. And I tried to give her the best advice I could muster. The best helps I could think of. I also recounted a tidbit I learned from the CD therapy series about accepting yourself and your fear instead of fighting against it. I hoped my suffering hadn't been in vain. If I could help her, it was worth every minute of suffering.

I gave her tips (aka: distractions) that have helped me, like bringing a water bottle to drink and hold; sucking on fresh minty tic tacs and taking in deep breaths of refreshing, calming mint. I told her about how saying something out loud in class before presenting (in order to break the ice with yourself and surroundings) had helped me. I told her that no one is really paying attention to you anyway because they really are more worried about themselves. We talked about how holding something in your hand, like a penny or paper clip, or tapping your foot, can help channel the nervous energy into something else.

She went to her school counselor, but received no understanding or even empathy. I would have expected so much more from a counselor.

I believe in the end, she finally emailed her teacher and tried to explain the situation. Fortunately, it allowed her to get through the remaining classes and at least pass.

It reminded me how social anxiety can crush your ability to reach your potential, and instead, allows you to accept only enough to get by.

I hope, looking ahead, that she doesn't have to face this ever again. I hope her path doesn't follow mine, where with each episode the anxiety worsens and one day you wake up and can't go to work anymore or even talk to people face to face.

She is my hero. I think about her when I'm faced with a fearful situation. I think that if she could get through what she did, I can do anything. I thought of her when my home teachers were coming over, and when I had to meet with my Bishop for tithing settlement.

Her strength will now be a source of strength for me.

Sunday Revelations: God's gift for my socially anxious mind

Whew! Made it through another Sunday.
I know, this is getting redundant.
But believe me, it's an every week accomplishment!

Church yesterday was another difficult one. I swear that social anxiety ebs and flows like a monthly cycle. Am I wrong? There's a blip of time through the month I feel almost confident, other times just regular, while other times I'm exceptionally anxious. Hormone related? I may have to read about that. Or start charting my anxiety. But who wants to do that?

I'm still in shock that I made it to church yesterday. My husband had something work-related Sunday morning (which never happens), but which meant I would be going to church alone. Usually if my husband can't go to church for whatever reason, I break out the party hats and celebrate my "get-out-of-church" free pass! But I felt like I should go.

I had a calling to fulfill and if I didn't go, it was difficult to find someone to replace me. It would be one thing if I called and got a sub, but quite another if I just didn't show up. Rude.

I battled the decision back and forth in my head and finally decided that at least I would go for relief society. But even then I wouldn't call it a "firm" decision. If even the faintest wind of doubt blew, I might cave in and not go.

But as I went throughout my morning doing other things as I passed the time, I knew in my heart it was the Sabbath day. A day set aside from the rest of the week to put aside our own cares and desires, and worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I couldn't pretend it was just other day, because it wasn't. And I needed to go to church.

So I got ready and even went in time for most of Sunday School. But wow, I felt "off". Was it because I had missed sacrament meeting?  I felt like I had stumbled into the middle of a 3 act play. My heart was beating hard in my chest and my anxiety was high for no real reason, as I sat in my Sunday School seat. I tried to focus and calm down my insides as the questions kept going over in my mind, "How did I get here??"; "Why didn't I just stay home??"; "You had a free pass for heaven's sake!".

But I suffered through it, high on anxiety, as if to expect at any moment the teacher to call me up to do a tap dance. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel so anxious? Was it a cycle shift? Geeze Louise!

But as the closing prayer ended in Sunday School, I opened my eyes to find my sweet husband coming in the far door. My heart filled with warmth to see his smile.

For a moment I envisioned the after-life, in the eternities, and we were both there. Not one without the other. And all at once I knew I had made the right choice to come to church. I wanted to be with him forever, as is our marital promise, as we keep our covenants and live faithfully. And I would live the commandment to go to church because I love my husband and won't leave him standing alone because I promised to be there. Always.

Every week it seems I need something concrete to "convince me" to get to church because my social anxiety makes it so difficult. These little moments of enlightenment, these "Sunday Revelations", are what keep me going. What helps me to get to church one week, may not be what helps me the next, so I need a list to help me a long. I'm grateful for God's little graces.

Fear them, they will come

You know the quote from that movie, Field of Dreams, with Kevin Costner, "Build it, they will come"?  Well, I have a modification for that, "Fear them, they will come." i.e. If there is someone you're trying to avoid, you will slam right into them. It's true. It happens to me every time.

I can't deny that I have a long list of "who to avoid" running through my head at any given time...but I'm finding that it's almost a silent beacon of attraction. The more I think, "I don't want to see them" the more often I see them.

Exhibit A
Several years ago, I had a visiting teacher who was much too eager. She wanted to visit with me all the time, wanted to stay and talk for hours, wanted me to go to activities with her, wanted me to share my feelings with her. Um, no. Needless to say, she quickly became someone I tried to avoid at all cost.

And it just so happened, the more I tried to avoid her, the more I ended up bumping into her. Seriously. Even when I tried to plan an exit strategy, she would appear out of nowhere with her cheesy grin staring back at me!  Aaaah! Where did you come from?!

Exhibit B
A few weeks ago I walked into a crowded post office, only to find the previous RS president (who I still try vehemently to avoid), directly in front of me in a very long line of patrons. Oh crap. No turning back. Long line. Lots of time for conversation.

Exhibit C
A few weeks later I went to the grocery store. The current RS president had been trying to get a hold of me to talk, so (as psycho as it sounds), I planned my grocery trip specifically at an odd time so I wouldn't have a chance of running into her. I'm sure you can guess who I ran right into in isle 5? Are. You. Kidding. Me?! I couldn't have planned that meeting any better if I tried.

So maybe it all comes down to this. Ever heard of something called The Law of Attraction? Simply put, The Law of Attraction states that we attract into our lives whatever we think about. Dominant thoughts will produce results.

The more I think, I don't want to see "Tina" (no offense Tina, I'm using a fake name), the more times I think about Tina and the more often I'll run into Tina. I guess my brain is leaving the part out about "don't want to" and just hears "see Tina".

Dominant thoughts produce results in the same way our negative thinking creates our anxiety. It all makes sense.

Time to focus on what I WANT, instead of what I DON'T WANT (or who I don't want to see). And see what happens.

When's my next Sunday off?

Yesterday I made it through another Sunday of church. Breathe in...and release.

Saturday I found myself getting anxious and wanting to eat everything in the house. I stopped and wondered what feelings I was eating? Why was I whirling around in a panic? And then I thought about what tomorrow was, Sunday, and my chest tightened.  I tested my theory by playing a game in my head, "What if I didn't have to go to church tomorrow?" I immediately relaxed. Hypothesis proven.

I try not to get the Saturday grumps knowing Sunday is the next day, but I find it difficult. I can't help but sing my revised rendition of a well-known primary song, "Saturday is a special day, it's the day that we start dreading Sunday." I'm so bad.

Saturday is the first day off from a long week at work. It should be a day of freedom, relaxation, a day to prepare for the coming week, a day for at least a little fun. And I find that I stew it all away sometimes worrying about what the next day is. [Mental note: I've got to work on that. Saturday: live in the moment.] A woman commented in Relief Society yesterday that she "loves coming to church." I sat there and wondered what that felt like? I hadn't felt it in a very long time. Had I ever? Hmm.

Last week was spring break for us, which meant I had some time off from my job. Today is the first day back. My mom and I were talking about how easy it is to wish days and even weeks away, looking ahead to the next break instead of just enjoying each day. I had to laugh, because I knew I couldn't help but peek at the calendar to see when my next day off would be.

It reminded me of our "break from church" last week for General Conference. Sigh. I love those Sundays. But I found myself also wondering when the next break from church would be? Lets see, there are 2 stake conferences during the year and 2 general conferences...anything else? Please?! Eeeek! How many torturous Sunday's would there be until the next "break"? I began to panic and pushed it out of my mind. I had to hold on to my new way of thinking - to go to church for Them. Obedience doesn't have a timeline. It is a lifelong commitment of doing what is right.

Conference was not only a nice break from the anxieties of going to church, it was also uplifting.  There were several talks that struck a chord with me. I recall one speaker in particular, who spoke of receiving power when we serve. It confirmed what I knew to be true, because it had happened to me. I plan on going back and listening to or reading the talks again so I can write down motivational quotes or thoughts.

I still felt really awkward at church. I walked, more like rushed, down the hall to avoid having conversations with people, I still avoided eye contact with certain people, I still used the bathroom more times than a girl should in a 2-hour period, but I survived.

I even had a mini panic attack while doing my calling in front of people. Panicked thoughts flooded my head, "I'm going to throw up! I'm going to pass out! I've got to run out of here and never come back!"  but I pulled through somehow, sat down stunned, and melted into my chair. I thought I'd somehow managed to rise above those moments with my "diligent obedience", but unfortunately, they're still there. As I choose to continue to be obedient, no matter how difficult it is, I'm hoping the Lord will ease my anxieties. 

I'm trying hard to be at peace with going to church every Sunday and I hope as I persevere, that one day I'll be able to say, as that woman in relief society did, "I love to going to church."

Okay, that may be a stretch, but a girl's gotta have a goal, right? J