What? Ok, I'll let you in on my thought process.
Lately I've been wondering why in the world I'm so much more anxious around other Mormons? Why does talking to them feel like I'm in an interview with the Bishop when they just want to know how my weekend was? Why do I pop and weave down the hall like I'm the target in a Mormon game of dodge ball, trying to avoid any contact?
I have social anxiety so I stay away from most social gatherings and make it a point not to bring attention to myself, ever - in life, not just at church.
I have a job that requires me to interact with people on a regular basis, but since I know these people and we usually talk about them instead of me, I'm okay day-to-day.
If I have a work-related meeting or social gathering, I want to die and dread it forever-and-a-day and it is pure agony to attend. It pushes me over the edge of my safe zone, big-time and I'd give anything to not be there.
But the intensity of non-Mormon interactions and socializing, while completely painful, paralyzing, and hide-in-the-bathroom-inducing, only breaks the surface. With Mormons? It's at def-con 5 (if you watched War Games, you know that's bad). Why in the world is this the case??
Do you feel like this too?
Let's look at Mormons
Mormons are some of the nicest people you will ever know.
They are friendly, kind, giving, honest, trustworthy, helpful and compassionate.
They are trying to be like Christ, and strive to live standards of purity and integrity.
They try to help others both in their wards and community.
Mormon's are great people to be associated with.
I feel safe around Mormons because I know what they believe, know what their standards are and know I can trust and count on them.
So why are they the very people I do anything to avoid??
- Is it my perceived expectations? (I know I can't live up to what you want me to be or do - don't ask me to give a talk, participate, have home teachers over, do visiting teaching, etc., so I need to stay away from you so you don't ask?)
- Is it that I feel I can't measure up? (You are "doing all the right things" and I'm out in left-field by myself picking grass)
- Is it the occasional self-righteous attitude some can put off? (How nice that you're sharing the gospel with people on airplanes and that you're not afraid to open your mouth... I'm scared of people and never want to talk to them, and the only thing I'll open my mouth for is refreshments)
I'd love to know your thoughts. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something...
I feel very similar! I personally feel like the church's culture is at odds with the doctrine sometimes. While everyone in church is happy to say "we love everyone", that doesn't always equate to "we try to respect others' preferences". I dread going to church functions because I feel like I have to fit into the extroverted, highly social, "customer service" mode. It's not that I feel I'll do it badly, it's that I don't want to have to prove to others my fears are real to me. They may not be real to those people, but they're devastatingly real to me. I may understand they're (mostly) irrational, but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. And just because others are trying to "help" by encouraging me to be more like them - I know they mean the best - it's just that stuff has never worked. I feel their love, love them back, but PLEASE understand what helps you may never be enough to help me. I need to figure it out with God, just like you're figuring out you.
ReplyDeleteHi Allison - I'm sorry I haven't responded for ages. I hop back on this blog from time to time, usually when I've had a crazy Sunday! I totally agree with how you feel and I love your comments! I know everyone means well but they don't understand that trying to help can be much more intrusive on people who see things and need different things than they do. Thank you for sharing.
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Sometimes do you feel like "just a project"? Nobody wants to be just a project, i.e., someone to fix. I dispise this attitude of some Mormons.
ReplyDeleteHi Kari - yes, I do and I know they are coming from a sincere place but it doesn't feel good at all.
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