I'm coming from a much better place than my last post. I actually just edited it and you can read it to see why.
I let myself fall the other day.
I took a leap off the side of a mountain to see if God would catch me.
And He did.
I have a new calling (aka a new assignment or role in our church congregation) to serve with the teenagers in our congregation. It was very intimidating for me to accept this role because it was unfamiliar and I knew it would mean a lot of social interaction.
With all new things I encounter, I push back a lot. My first response is often to say no before I even really understand what I'm being asked to do.
I felt a lot of push and pull within myself - I wanted to say no, but I knew somewhere deep inside I could and should say yes. How could I really put myself out there for these kids and adults I was going to be serving with if I was so protective, closed and afraid? How would I even be able to talk and interact with them without having an anxiety attack?
With God's quiet voice of encouragement leading me on, I said yes when they asked me to serve in this calling. But even after saying yes, in my heart, I resisted. It was like I had one foot in and the rest of my entire body out. I couldn't commit myself to being willing to open up and be vulnerable to whatever may come.
I knew I was resisting, I was fighting it, and I logically knew if I just gave in and trusted Heavenly Father, He would help me. But fear persisted instead of faith - how could I really know I could believe Him? If I let go of my fears (my blanket of protection) and put myself out there, I could completely humiliate myself and never be able to face these people again. I knew until I was ready to have faith, I wouldn't be able to open myself up and be ready to give, all that God knew I had to give.
So I jumped.
And I survived.
(applause!)
And not only did I survive, I actually feel better and more optimistic in my life than I have in a long time. The heaviness of fear and trying to protect myself with all my might has lessened and although I still have my major moments, I trust Heavenly Father in a new way than I ever have before because when I jumped, I felt Him catch me.
Do I still have social anxiety? Oh yes. And sometimes it's worse than others. And sometimes I have panic attacks that no one knows about and I have to excuse myself to catch my breath because I feel like I'm having a heart attack.
But the thing is, the night I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me let go of my resistance and to promise to help me if I put myself out there, like really promise, like for real promise, like "I'm going to jump off this cliff and I'm going to trust you to catch me" kind of promise, He did.
He didn't let me down. He did what He promised He would do. And I was more scared to go to that first meeting than I have been about anything in a while but I went and I could feel His presence with me. Instead of the blanket of fear I'd wrapped tightly around myself for so long, I felt Heavenly Father's love and reassurance around me and I knew that I could do anything.
And this is new for me, but having faith over fear is the best thing I've tried in years.
