I'm coming from a much better place than my last post. I actually just edited it and you can read it to see why.
I let myself fall the other day.
I took a leap off the side of a mountain to see if God would catch me.
And He did.
I have a new calling (aka a new assignment or role in our church congregation) to serve with the teenagers in our congregation. It was very intimidating for me to accept this role because it was unfamiliar and I knew it would mean a lot of social interaction.
With all new things I encounter, I push back a lot. My first response is often to say no before I even really understand what I'm being asked to do.
I felt a lot of push and pull within myself - I wanted to say no, but I knew somewhere deep inside I could and should say yes. How could I really put myself out there for these kids and adults I was going to be serving with if I was so protective, closed and afraid? How would I even be able to talk and interact with them without having an anxiety attack?
With God's quiet voice of encouragement leading me on, I said yes when they asked me to serve in this calling. But even after saying yes, in my heart, I resisted. It was like I had one foot in and the rest of my entire body out. I couldn't commit myself to being willing to open up and be vulnerable to whatever may come.
I knew I was resisting, I was fighting it, and I logically knew if I just gave in and trusted Heavenly Father, He would help me. But fear persisted instead of faith - how could I really know I could believe Him? If I let go of my fears (my blanket of protection) and put myself out there, I could completely humiliate myself and never be able to face these people again. I knew until I was ready to have faith, I wouldn't be able to open myself up and be ready to give, all that God knew I had to give.
So I jumped.
And I survived.
(applause!)
And not only did I survive, I actually feel better and more optimistic in my life than I have in a long time. The heaviness of fear and trying to protect myself with all my might has lessened and although I still have my major moments, I trust Heavenly Father in a new way than I ever have before because when I jumped, I felt Him catch me.
Do I still have social anxiety? Oh yes. And sometimes it's worse than others. And sometimes I have panic attacks that no one knows about and I have to excuse myself to catch my breath because I feel like I'm having a heart attack.
But the thing is, the night I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me let go of my resistance and to promise to help me if I put myself out there, like really promise, like for real promise, like "I'm going to jump off this cliff and I'm going to trust you to catch me" kind of promise, He did.
He didn't let me down. He did what He promised He would do. And I was more scared to go to that first meeting than I have been about anything in a while but I went and I could feel His presence with me. Instead of the blanket of fear I'd wrapped tightly around myself for so long, I felt Heavenly Father's love and reassurance around me and I knew that I could do anything.
And this is new for me, but having faith over fear is the best thing I've tried in years.
Showing posts with label lds women anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lds women anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Monday, September 10, 2018
I just need to live on the moon
I realize I haven't written about my social anxiety in ages (yes, I still have it) but yesterday at church pushed me over the edge and the "horrors" of yesterday have been swirling around in my head.
I need to get them out.
All the changes our church has been making lately are pushing me further and further into a corner. What used to be more of a passive experience, i.e. come to church and participate if you want to while the teachers teach, has become a much scarier place for hiders like me. Now everything is a discussion. Everything is a council. We have more small group teacher trainings. More participation. Different room layouts to promote conversation rather than passive participation. It's zeroing in on the one instead of letting us bleed into the background. I don't like it. It makes me really uncomfortable (as if I wasn't already).
I think often, if it weren't for my calling in primary, and my husband, it would be too easy for me to opt out on Sundays because of the social angst I feel every time I'm there. I finally told my mom the other day that I really don't like going to church and that I go because I know it's the right thing, instead of something I really enjoy. I was surprised that she wasn't shocked, but she doesn't really understand the whys. I've never told her about my social anxiety because I would feel way too judged. She's a harsh critic.
I often wonder though, as I see my husband actually smiling during church, how it would feel if being afraid of all the people wasn't part of the equation? Would it be uplifting? Would it be something I looked forward to instead of dreading?
Ok, so back to yesterday. We found out that the last hour of church we would be meeting all together for a special council. I told my husband, before we even knew more about it, that if we were sitting in semi-circles, I would leave. ha! And if there was even a hint of small group discussions I would leave. For real.
When my husband came to the primary room and told me there were 3 rows on either side of the gym facing each other, I was tempted to run to the car. I decided I'd see what it looked like before fleeing, because I can get a sense of how "safe" the room feels just by seeing how it's set up.
It was strange to be sitting facing each other. Let's be honest, totally weird, but because I could opt for a back row, I stayed. They kept telling us the reason we were seated that way was to promote discussion. Discussion? I almost left, if it weren't for my back row dwelling where I felt a little more protected.
And it would have been a perfectly fine hour if it weren't for the bishop starting to call on random people to participate. I was already at defcon 3 because of the invasive room set-up and unknowns, but once you get some random call-outs, it shifts to defcon 4.99 (5 being the worst if you haven't seen War Games).
I kept thinking if I sit with my head down, he won't call on me. And don't worry, he didn't. BUT the problem was, I was afraid he might call on me the entire time, so add up that stress level! I wanted to leave so many times but kept thinking for the sake of my husband I needed to stay.
So....the end of the discussion was finally upon us and I finally felt the inklings of relief as I pictured myselfrunning heading to the car awaiting any food at home that could take me back to my happy place, when the person sitting next to me invited us to dinner. What?!
Me: hanging on to the cliff by a fingernail.
Luckily, I had dinner cooking at home (for real) so I politely declined, and said we already had food in the crockpot. I felt horrible for saying no. She said, maybe next time. Now here's the thing, this woman is wonderful. She is one of my favorite people at church. She's very kind, has a great family, and is very warm and friendly. In an alternate universe I would have said to heck with what's in my crockpot, we'd love to join you for dinner...but in my universe, I will now have to A) avoid her like the plague, B) never talk to her again, or C) never go back to church. Sorry to tell you, there will never be a dinner.
Well this experience, of course, haunted me the rest of the day. I kept reliving the moment when she slowly turned to extend the invitation and I pretty much slapped her in the face with my crockpot. I kept trying to read her expression as I declined and hoped I didn't offend her because she's a saint. Why, why did you have to extend the meal card??! Such a kind gesture for someone who will never accept.
I was utterly defeated as I finally drove away from what felt like the longest 3 hours of my life. I let out a sigh that probably sounded more like a low growl and my husband asked if the primary kids had been that bad? I laughed and said they were the best part...and then proceeded to rant about the set-up of the room and how I thought the bishop might call on me and how it stressed me out that we'd been invited to dinner and...how in the end, I guess I just needed to live on the moon so I could be alone and never have to deal with the stress and anxiety of people again.
And I meant it.
I need to get them out.
All the changes our church has been making lately are pushing me further and further into a corner. What used to be more of a passive experience, i.e. come to church and participate if you want to while the teachers teach, has become a much scarier place for hiders like me. Now everything is a discussion. Everything is a council. We have more small group teacher trainings. More participation. Different room layouts to promote conversation rather than passive participation. It's zeroing in on the one instead of letting us bleed into the background. I don't like it. It makes me really uncomfortable (as if I wasn't already).
I think often, if it weren't for my calling in primary, and my husband, it would be too easy for me to opt out on Sundays because of the social angst I feel every time I'm there. I finally told my mom the other day that I really don't like going to church and that I go because I know it's the right thing, instead of something I really enjoy. I was surprised that she wasn't shocked, but she doesn't really understand the whys. I've never told her about my social anxiety because I would feel way too judged. She's a harsh critic.
I often wonder though, as I see my husband actually smiling during church, how it would feel if being afraid of all the people wasn't part of the equation? Would it be uplifting? Would it be something I looked forward to instead of dreading?
Ok, so back to yesterday. We found out that the last hour of church we would be meeting all together for a special council. I told my husband, before we even knew more about it, that if we were sitting in semi-circles, I would leave. ha! And if there was even a hint of small group discussions I would leave. For real.
When my husband came to the primary room and told me there were 3 rows on either side of the gym facing each other, I was tempted to run to the car. I decided I'd see what it looked like before fleeing, because I can get a sense of how "safe" the room feels just by seeing how it's set up.
It was strange to be sitting facing each other. Let's be honest, totally weird, but because I could opt for a back row, I stayed. They kept telling us the reason we were seated that way was to promote discussion. Discussion? I almost left, if it weren't for my back row dwelling where I felt a little more protected.
And it would have been a perfectly fine hour if it weren't for the bishop starting to call on random people to participate. I was already at defcon 3 because of the invasive room set-up and unknowns, but once you get some random call-outs, it shifts to defcon 4.99 (5 being the worst if you haven't seen War Games).
I kept thinking if I sit with my head down, he won't call on me. And don't worry, he didn't. BUT the problem was, I was afraid he might call on me the entire time, so add up that stress level! I wanted to leave so many times but kept thinking for the sake of my husband I needed to stay.
So....the end of the discussion was finally upon us and I finally felt the inklings of relief as I pictured myself
Me: hanging on to the cliff by a fingernail.
Luckily, I had dinner cooking at home (for real) so I politely declined, and said we already had food in the crockpot. I felt horrible for saying no. She said, maybe next time. Now here's the thing, this woman is wonderful. She is one of my favorite people at church. She's very kind, has a great family, and is very warm and friendly. In an alternate universe I would have said to heck with what's in my crockpot, we'd love to join you for dinner...but in my universe, I will now have to A) avoid her like the plague, B) never talk to her again, or C) never go back to church. Sorry to tell you, there will never be a dinner.
Well this experience, of course, haunted me the rest of the day. I kept reliving the moment when she slowly turned to extend the invitation and I pretty much slapped her in the face with my crockpot. I kept trying to read her expression as I declined and hoped I didn't offend her because she's a saint. Why, why did you have to extend the meal card??! Such a kind gesture for someone who will never accept.
I was utterly defeated as I finally drove away from what felt like the longest 3 hours of my life. I let out a sigh that probably sounded more like a low growl and my husband asked if the primary kids had been that bad? I laughed and said they were the best part...and then proceeded to rant about the set-up of the room and how I thought the bishop might call on me and how it stressed me out that we'd been invited to dinner and...how in the end, I guess I just needed to live on the moon so I could be alone and never have to deal with the stress and anxiety of people again.
And I meant it.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
I make a better Facebook friend
I had just been thinking a day or two ago about this blog and how I hadn't written in a while and wondered whether it really mattered...and then I received a comment from someone this morning who was in need of some cheering. Sorry to have disappeared and thanks for your sincere comment.
I did make it to church today. If I didn't have a Primary calling I swear I could think up a million and one reasons not to go. I still feel so out of place at church. Like I'm just a body filling up a space in a chair. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I question whether I want to be there at all and ask myself the question, "What if I just. stopped. going?" Could I just "stop being Mormon for a year?" That may or may not have crossed my mind as I sat in the back chairs during sacrament meeting today. But lets not dwell on that.
People got up bearing their testimonies about how great having a "ward family" is and all the wonderful friendships they've made. I felt nothing. I may as well have been sitting in a crowd of strangers. A small part of me wished I felt the same way they did, and another part of me felt exhausted from wishing I felt the same way they did. How many YEARS have I been feeling this way?! Why am I torturing myself?!
Speaking of torture, my visiting teacher made eye contact with me for about .23 seconds but I acted like I didn't see her. I feel bad for her. She's a really nice lady. I just stopped responding to her emails. I decided to choose the better of two evils: I'd rather be a busy person who never responds to emails than one who has constant excuses as to why they can't ever come over.
Same goes for my visiting teaching companion. She wrote a few times asking when a good time was to get together and make visits. The end. I never wrote her back. I avoid her at church, but again, decided I'd rather be a person who just "never writes her back" than someone flakey who comes up with 100 strange excuses as to why I can't ever go visiting teaching with her. That should be the name of a book, 101 Creative Excuses to Avoid your Visiting Teachers. Someone would buy it and get a good laugh.
While we're on a roll, I've avoided the only time Home Teachers ever tried to come over. Check! And successfully declined 2 "opportunities" to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. It's not as easy as just never responding, but the last request actually came yesterday and I just said I wasn't able to, sorry and thanks for understanding. I did say maybe I could later in the summer, but let's be honest, I'll be out of the country when they ask again.
This social anxiety is a strange thing. For the past few months I had to go on a special diet, mainly eating real, whole foods, and avoiding anything processed. I don't know if it was all psychological (because I had lost some weight and started feeling better about myself), but I could have sworn I didn't feel as anxious. I even got through my sister's intensely social wedding, talking to strangers, long-time family friends and visiting family without freaking out. I felt like I was a different person for a while. And it felt amazing.
During my special diet, I found things written about food and anxiety, and how mental anxieties can be eliminated by what we eat. It made me wonder if I had curbed my anxieties by eliminating processed foods and eating only whole, real foods?? Hmmmmm.
Because, back on the flip side... I'm off that diet and have been eating anything I can get my hands on and have felt much more socially anxious again. The question remains, is the anxiety back because I don't feel as good about myself anymore because I'm eating like a pig or is it really due to eliminating processed foods from my diet?
Pass me the ice cream and we'll think about it.
But seriously, something to consider.
I keep trying to stay off processed foods again but every time I do one of them ends up in my mouth.
We'll see.
Social Anxiety is just hard.
I've decided I make a better Facebook friend than a real friend at the moment.
To my Facebook friends: I will smile and make funny comments to you online but when I see you I'll act totally weird.
To my co-workers: I may act normal during a work day, but if you see me off-hours, I'll act like I don't want you to talk to me while my face turns red as I stammer to try to get away. (this may or may not have happened Saturday when I was getting groceries).
To my oldest and dearest friends: You used to know me as a semi-normal person, but sorry, we'll catch up again when I'm out of my 30 year awkward phase.
To the people in my ward: Just pretend I'm not here. Kthxbye.
The only thing I can say to all of us who struggle with this demon day after day, and Sunday after Sunday, is to keep trudging forward.
*Keep working on the hard things.
*Keep trying to move forward every day, even if it's just one small thing.
*Try to focus on the things that went well, instead of the things that didn't go so well.
*Know your limitations, allow yourself to be where you are, and give yourself a break.
Heavenly Father knows you and knows your struggles. You will not be judged on why you weren't like someone else. You will be judged on how well you were yourself. xo
I did make it to church today. If I didn't have a Primary calling I swear I could think up a million and one reasons not to go. I still feel so out of place at church. Like I'm just a body filling up a space in a chair. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I question whether I want to be there at all and ask myself the question, "What if I just. stopped. going?" Could I just "stop being Mormon for a year?" That may or may not have crossed my mind as I sat in the back chairs during sacrament meeting today. But lets not dwell on that.
People got up bearing their testimonies about how great having a "ward family" is and all the wonderful friendships they've made. I felt nothing. I may as well have been sitting in a crowd of strangers. A small part of me wished I felt the same way they did, and another part of me felt exhausted from wishing I felt the same way they did. How many YEARS have I been feeling this way?! Why am I torturing myself?!
Speaking of torture, my visiting teacher made eye contact with me for about .23 seconds but I acted like I didn't see her. I feel bad for her. She's a really nice lady. I just stopped responding to her emails. I decided to choose the better of two evils: I'd rather be a busy person who never responds to emails than one who has constant excuses as to why they can't ever come over.
Same goes for my visiting teaching companion. She wrote a few times asking when a good time was to get together and make visits. The end. I never wrote her back. I avoid her at church, but again, decided I'd rather be a person who just "never writes her back" than someone flakey who comes up with 100 strange excuses as to why I can't ever go visiting teaching with her. That should be the name of a book, 101 Creative Excuses to Avoid your Visiting Teachers. Someone would buy it and get a good laugh.
While we're on a roll, I've avoided the only time Home Teachers ever tried to come over. Check! And successfully declined 2 "opportunities" to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. It's not as easy as just never responding, but the last request actually came yesterday and I just said I wasn't able to, sorry and thanks for understanding. I did say maybe I could later in the summer, but let's be honest, I'll be out of the country when they ask again.
This social anxiety is a strange thing. For the past few months I had to go on a special diet, mainly eating real, whole foods, and avoiding anything processed. I don't know if it was all psychological (because I had lost some weight and started feeling better about myself), but I could have sworn I didn't feel as anxious. I even got through my sister's intensely social wedding, talking to strangers, long-time family friends and visiting family without freaking out. I felt like I was a different person for a while. And it felt amazing.
During my special diet, I found things written about food and anxiety, and how mental anxieties can be eliminated by what we eat. It made me wonder if I had curbed my anxieties by eliminating processed foods and eating only whole, real foods?? Hmmmmm.
Because, back on the flip side... I'm off that diet and have been eating anything I can get my hands on and have felt much more socially anxious again. The question remains, is the anxiety back because I don't feel as good about myself anymore because I'm eating like a pig or is it really due to eliminating processed foods from my diet?
Pass me the ice cream and we'll think about it.
But seriously, something to consider.
I keep trying to stay off processed foods again but every time I do one of them ends up in my mouth.
We'll see.
Social Anxiety is just hard.
I've decided I make a better Facebook friend than a real friend at the moment.
To my Facebook friends: I will smile and make funny comments to you online but when I see you I'll act totally weird.
To my co-workers: I may act normal during a work day, but if you see me off-hours, I'll act like I don't want you to talk to me while my face turns red as I stammer to try to get away. (this may or may not have happened Saturday when I was getting groceries).
To my oldest and dearest friends: You used to know me as a semi-normal person, but sorry, we'll catch up again when I'm out of my 30 year awkward phase.
To the people in my ward: Just pretend I'm not here. Kthxbye.
The only thing I can say to all of us who struggle with this demon day after day, and Sunday after Sunday, is to keep trudging forward.
*Keep working on the hard things.
*Keep trying to move forward every day, even if it's just one small thing.
*Try to focus on the things that went well, instead of the things that didn't go so well.
*Know your limitations, allow yourself to be where you are, and give yourself a break.
Heavenly Father knows you and knows your struggles. You will not be judged on why you weren't like someone else. You will be judged on how well you were yourself. xo
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