It's hard to explain what a panic attack feels like.
For me, it's like a wave of some unknown power washing over me, flooding my mind and body with a darkness, a feeling that I'm going mad, losing my mind and losing total control of my psyche. At that moment I can literally feel that something bad is happening to me but I know I can't do anything about it.And then comes the heart pounding, I can't catch my breath, I feel lightheaded and I'm sure I'm going to pass out, throw up or suddenly collapse. The feeling that I have to get out of that place right now because I actually am having a heart attack and this is what it feels like to die.
Whew. That's a lot.
When claustrophobia moves in
For years I have had horrible dreams that I am trapped in a dark place and have no idea how I got there and because it is so deeply dark (can't see your hand in front of your face dark), I have no idea how I'm going to get out.Sometimes in my dreams I "awake" (again in the pitch black of night) on a platform way up in the air and if I happen to roll the wrong way, I know I'll drop to my death. Other times I "wake up" in a pitch black cave with no idea how I got there and how I will ever get out. And the worst? I "wake up" finding that I'm somehow trapped in a deep dark cave laying on my back under a gigantic boulder that is only about 2 inches above me and there's no way I'm getting out (i.e. cave coffin).
Wow. Are you sweating yet?
And yes, I wake up from those dreams in a complete fit of panic, sometimes calling out to my husband, sometimes choking, sometimes my heart is pounding and I can't catch my breath and I'm having a full blown panic attack.
Now imagine those terrifying feelings while you're awake:
Imagine these feelings of complete terror and panic coming on when you're in a small space, a room without windows, riding in an elevator, flying in an airplane, driving in a car, in a crowded room, being stuck in a wall of traffic or even in a long line of people in a slightly narrow space.The feeling of being trapped has taken over my psyche. It's not only in my dreams, it's in my every day activities, it's even in my conversations with other people.
These feelings of panic and being trapped like to hold hands with social anxiety
It doesn't make sense logically, but being trapped in social situations is also a trigger. When you're having a conversation with someone, you can't just walk away, you're "trapped" until it's socially acceptable to end the conversation and go. You can't just walk away mid-sentence, run out of the room, or turn red and hyperventilate or they'll think you're totally odd (bring on the fear of being judged).This panic has invaded conversations with people (even in my family). Someone looking directly at me, talking fast, talking with intensity, needing me too much or they have popped my space bubble and are standing a little too close. All of these situations have sparked panic attacks.
How do you have a panic attack in front of someone and not look like you're going crazy? Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide! No way NOT to be judged.
How the power of thoughts can change your state of mind
Whatever your situation is, whether you have felt these same dreadful feelings of panic attacks and physical symptoms, claustrophobia, generalize anxiety where you feel that awful energy in your chest and worry all the time, or just in social situations, we all have the power to change our thoughts.I know logically that all of these feelings and physical symptoms are a product of my thoughts. Thoughts and feelings I have pushed down each time I've felt them because they are down right terrifying and they spring back up in physical manifestations. I have always heard how powerful our thoughts are, but I have unwittingly unleashed their highest negative power in my life.
Knowing how powerful our thoughts can be, and that they have gotten me to this point in my life on the negative end of the spectrum, think of how powerful it would be to shift them the opposite direction, to peace and positivity? We are what we think. There is so much power in that statement. Will you use this power for good or evil against your very self?
As a wise person recently told me, in response to my fearful quandry: "There's NO WAY I can talk myself into getting on the plane I am supposed to fly out of in a few weeks!", she replied "Yes, you can.You talked yourself into this state of mind, you can talk yourself out."
Ways you can start changing your thoughts and healing your anxiety today:
Positive Affirmations
This is a video I'm currently watching & reciting every morning:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mSJ4uKRBf0&feature=youtu.be
Counseling Podcasts
This is a great counseling podcast I am currently listening to. It is very insightful and I highly recommend it:
https://www.theanxietycoachespodcast.com/
Follow people on social media who have a positive influential message:
I like this feed because she has struggled with anxiety and depression and found a way to turn her life to positivity despite her struggles and just "gets it".
https://www.instagram.com/positivelypresent/
Her blog has insightful, personal posts too, especially this one on happiness versus positivity:
https://www.positivelypresent.com/2018/11/happiness-vs-positivity-whats-the-difference.html
Daily practice:
There are so many ways you can help redirect your thoughts in a positive way and it takes work, but is worth it. It took me this many years to get to this place, it will take time to reprogram the way I think and feel.
Find things you can do every day to begin to heal, like those I've mentioned above, and focus on redirecting your thoughts every day.
Each time I think a fearful or negative thought I just let myself feel it, address it and move on with a more positive outlook or statement so I don't push down more negative/fearful thoughts that will crop up and get me when I least expect it.
I hope this has helped. I am working hard not to let anxiety and fear rule my life anymore. I will continue to share my journey with you. Please share if you have felt the same way!
I'm so glad to see you're back!! I found your blog a few years ago and have loved reading it. I can relate to so much of what you say here. I feel like we are literally the same person and it makes me happy to know there are people out there who feel the same way I do.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing these links, I plan to start looking into them right away! I have struggled with SA my entire life and now have depression on top of that. I have really been struggling and feel like I'm losing hope. Something that is really hard for me is being single. I just turned 27 and I don't date or really even have friends. The thought of dating is actually pretty terrifying to me. I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing how you were able to meet your husband and then eventually get married as that seems impossible to me right now!
Thank you for being willing to share your struggles and thoughts and I hope you come back soon!
Hi Jess! I'm so grateful that you stopped by and took the time to read and reach out to me. It means a lot! It helps me to know I'm not the only one feeling this way too!
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know it can be incredibly difficult. Are you LDS? I know being single in our church can put an awful lot of pressure on us and then add SA on top of that! Ugh!
I met my husband at a single's ward FHE activity. Believe me, it was SO HARD making myself go to things! I was in a new city with no friends and had to put myself out there. It gave me a stomach ache and major anxiety but I went. And sometimes I left early. And sometimes I retreated to the bathroom. ha! And other times I stayed and made myself talk to at least 1 new person so I could make progress.
I know how hard it is, but I know you can do it. Just make tiny goals. Maybe it's just going to the activity itself and not even talking to anyone but at least you went. Then next time it's challenging yourself to talk to at least one other person or do another tiny thing. Tiny exposures over and over. It helped me alot.
One thing that really helped me was going to activities that were focused on "doing something" - like a service project instead of some nightmarish thing like speed dating - Yikes!! The great thing about working on a project is that you are busy focused on something and it's easier to work side-by-side and get to know people without feeling totally vulnerable sitting face to face.
Another thing that really helped me (and still does) is being in charge of something at the activity - like setting up or serving food or just some kind of job at the activity to help give me a purpose so I don't focus on my anxiety. It helps a TON to this day!! It can trick you into being more comfortable around people because you're focused on something else.
I will probably write a blog post about this because I guarantee you're not the only one feeling this way! It's hard to put yourself out there but it's the only way for people to see how incredible you are. As you get to know people through these casual activities, the idea of dating in groups or one on one will start to feel a bit easier and opportunities will start to pop up. If I could get through it, and find happiness along the way, you can too. I know it!
Prayers and happy thoughts for you my dear friend! Please don't give up on yourself. I can tell you are an amazing person. Give yourself grace as you work to get to a better place. If you try any of these dating tricks, I'd love to hear how they work for you! :)
Wishing you all the best!
xo - S
Yay! You responded! Thank you so, so much! Your words mean a lot to me and help me feel better so thank you :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm LDS. And I live in the middle of "Mormon Country" if you know what I mean. 20 years olds are getting married around me on a daily basis. Were you in a "younger" singles ward or an "older" singles ward when you met your husband? If that makes sense. I feel like the one in my area is full of 19-24 year olds....because everyone else is married. And it feels like a very competitive environment to me, which I don't do well with at all! Maybe that's just because of where I live. I did go tow times a few years ago with my sister.
I like the idea of setting small goals like you were talking about. I think I will try that. I'm actually in a family ward right now and serve in the nursery (which is fun but exhausting!) so I think my first goal will be to at least go to a singles ward sacrament meeting in January so I can finish out the year in nursery. Maybe even reach out to the YSA representatives and get some information about my local Singles Ward.
Right now, I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for the holidays with family coming in town....do you ever feel anxious around your extended family? Because I always do and it makes me feel bad.
Hi Jess!
DeleteI loved hearing back from you and am so happy something I said will help you! I LOVE your mini challenges!! :) I have a feeling it will help you start to feel more a part of things one step at a time.
Here's a bit more of my story - I was actually attending a family ward myself at your age, and absolutely loved it. It gave me a soft place to land where I didn't have to worry about not fitting in with the younger singles ward. Honestly, I had grown sooo tired of the immaturity and feeling like a misfit. I finally felt like a normal person and grew my testimony so much in the family ward. It was the right place for me at that time for sure.
HOWEVER....the prospect of meeting anyone was absolutely zero, in my ward and in my social circles...which brought me to the decision to move from the west coast to Utah. I met my husband at an "older singles ward" there not long after I moved there. I was about 32 at that point. I felt really happy in the older singles ward in Utah and people were really friendly and inclusive. It was still hard to make myself go to things because of my anxiety, but being surrounded by so much support and positivity it made it easier.
OK, now lets talk holidays...and the answer is heck yes my anxiety spikes around all the gatherings, even if and sometimes especially if it's family! Eeek! You're not alone. I feel like 85% of people in general would say holidays bring on extra anxiety - and not just those of us who seems to "specialize" in it! ha!
I totally get it. I always feel like I'm under a microscope. I hope you can find a way not to feel bad about it. I've just learned to say it outloud to myself and then just be okay with it. It doesn't mean I don't like them. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It just means I hold stress differently and it makes gatherings and even being one on one with family sometimes very difficult. If there are children coming to your gatherings, stick around them! Kids always make everything better. :) I'd RATHER sit at the kids table!!
I'm trying to not wish Christmas away this year because one family member in particular is coming home that makes me want to run for the hills. I'm with you girl! If you have any tips to share I'd love them as well. :) We're in this together.
xo - S
Thank you for sharing more of your story with me! It really is so helpful to know I'm not alone and that someone else is going through/has gone through what I am currently struggling with :)
ReplyDeleteI have the exact same problem with the family ward I am currently in. 0 potential for any romantic relationships or even friendship relationships with people around my age. I feel comfortable (for the most part) with most of the ward but then I also can't help but feel super self-conscious about my situation and age, etc. I know I worry too much about what people think of me.
Sorry it's taken me awhile to respond. I've had a lot going on. And I just found out that my extended family members are coming much earlier for Thanksgiving than I was mentally prepared for (as in they will be arriving tonight! A full week of entertaining relatives, help!) and I'll admit I've been having a bit of an anxiety attack/mental breakdown ever since! I'm not good with unexpected "surprises" like this and not having time to mentally prepare myself. When these things happen I have developed bad habits of getting really angry, isolating myself and then emotionally eating everything I can find! So, I'm feeling very stressed and anxious at the moment....
I'm also relieved I'm not the only one who dreads holiday family gatherings and visits. The particular family members I am spending Thanksgiving with are the confident, funny, over the top, loud type who think it's funny to put you on the spot and expects you to joke around with them super naturally and I feel so uncomfortable with that kind of stuff. It makes me seem really lame and boring and more shy and awkward than I already feel I am.
Unfortunately, there aren't many kids in my family anymore (everyone is grown up! My parents are waiting on us to all get married and start families of our own!). I have an older sister who is married with a one year old (and he favors his uncles aka my brothers over me) and then my cousin has two little ones who are just super wild all of the time (one has autism) and also happen to favor my brothers, haha. What can I say? They are good with kids. But I totally agree! I would much rather sit at the kids table!!
Sorry if this comment is a little all over the place. I just feel so anxious right now! It's nice to have someone I can say this to though and know they get it! I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays and not feel too anxious! I'm sorry I don't have any tips for dealing with "holiday anxiety" as I'm not handling my own very well at all at the moment!
Thanks again for your response and kindness, I really appreciate it! Happy Thanksgiving! Here's to surviving this week together!