I just finished a video chat counseling session. At first I was reluctant, because I've never enjoyed seeing my face on the computer screen (eek!) but I have to tell you, I quite enjoyed it after the weirdness wore off about 3 minutes in.
Have you tried counseling for your social anxiety? I've mentioned before (I think) that I started to see a counselor when my social anxiety morphed beyond its boundaries into panic attacks.
It has been really helpful. Just having someone to talk to about my anxiety, and all that comes with it, including my past, family dynamics, unhealthy boundaries, self-judgement, the whole shebang, allows me to see it in a different way and focus on things that can help me in many areas of my life.
If you have social anxiety and haven't considered talking to a professional about it, now might be the time. If you're super uncomfortable meeting with someone in person (I am but it is something I can "tolerate the discomfort of" - not that we can meet with people in their offices right now anyway) you should try online counseling.
So why on earth am I talking about social anxiety during a time of social distancing? Because the truth is, there will be a time in the future where we will actually be living among each other again. There will be a time of re-entry. There will once again be times of socializing. Will we be ready? Will our crave for connection lessen our anxiety or will it be even harder due to our temporary social hibernation?
Well, I am here to say that I had a small taste of re-entry a couple days ago, and it was a hard reminder that, although I have been perfectly content while swaddled in the peace and comfort of my home, not having to socialize with anyone, my social anxiety is not gone. It's just taking a vacation right now.
I was taking a walk down my street, to get out of my house for a while and out into the sunshine, when a car drove slowly past and stopped and inside was a familiar smiling face, saying hi. It was a family from church. This woman is so nice - she's actually the same woman who invited us to eat at their house that day I turned her down and have felt like she felt bad about it ever since.
But there she was. And there I was. We were 6 feet apart but my social anxiety reeled me in as if we were standing side by side. As the discomfort merged us closer, I realized that just because I feel at peace in my socially desolate cocoon, out in the real world, nothing had changed. I was still me. And my social anxiety was still there. Dang it!
It didn't seem to matter that even though I actually missed the positive interactions and friendships from people at church, when I got in their physical presence, all bets were off.
So today's topic with my counselor, was one I knew I had to explore during this time of home stay so maybe I could re-emerge into society a stronger, braver, more evolved form of myself. Someone who had become more comfortable with discomfort so I could be more of the type of person I want to be instead of who I had been scolding myself for not being.
Insight from my counselor about how to work on social anxiety:
- Accept that you have social anxiety. Say, I have it. This is true for me. This is what I feel.
- Work on an increased awareness about what situations are harder for you.
- Write down a list of triggers and rate them by level of intensity so you can try to work on the ones that are "easiest" to try at first.
- Social Anxiety may always be something you struggle with, but ask yourself these 3 questions:
- 1) What do I want to be able to do after this is all over?" and
- 2) What do I not want to go back to? and work on those things.
- 3) Even if I'm not totally comfortable doing certain things, what can I get better at feeling uncomfortable with and still do?
Is Social Anxiety about Low Self-esteem?
To me, social anxiety is about feelings of inadequacy...so I wondered if it also meant I had low self-esteem because outwardly I don't feel like I do. It's not that I don't like myself, I guess maybe I'm just afraid other people won't like me if they see the real me...but that's also not really on the forefront of my mind. Social Anxiety, for me, is about what's lurking in the recesses of my mind instead of what is in the front of my mind, if that makes sense.
She said Social Anxiety is about self-esteem, but also about self love and self compassion. We can't stay in shame if we have empathy. Empathy has to come from ourselves and be applied to ourselves, not just granted to other people. It's also very important to pay attention to, and write down, what you are saying to yourself every day, even if you're just thinking it in your own head.
What You Tell Yourself Matters
Our thoughts have such a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and as you write down what your automatic thoughts are, you'll likely start to see patterns. Watch what you tell yourself about your social anxiety. You are not your social anxiety. It is separate from you. It is separate from your worth and value. Making jokes about your anxiety, like, I know I'm so weird, still sends a message to your brain. What you tell yourself matters greatly.
As my counselor and I continued to talk, I told her how much energy it would take to stop and think about everything I say throughout a day. She acknowledged that it takes consistent, mindful practice and intention but doing so will help reshape the way you speak to yourself and what you think about yourself.
For example, I told her I had recently reconnected with someone I knew several years ago and how fun it was to get back in touch with them. But in the same breath, I said it scared me to reconnect because I was opening that door...that after this quarantine time, these same people will want to reconnect in person and, "I have to be comfortable with these people!"
She stopped me right there and asked me if I realized what I had just said? Instead of telling myself, "I have to be comfortable with these people," I should change it to say, "I want to be comfortable around these people." It totally has a different tone, doesn't it? Scolding versus intention.
Look at what you say to yourself and how you say it. Catch the old way of thinking and speaking and change it and replace it with a new message. Start your day with positive affirmations and investigate yourself without judgement. In time, with focus and intention, replacing the negatives with the positives, can incrementally make a difference.
Self compassion is key - no one improves because they were shamed into doing it.
Wow. This quote blew me out of the water. I shame myself all the time because of my struggles and it only makes me feel worse about myself.
All of this makes so much sense. It also takes a lot of energy. It also does make a difference.
And although I'm realizing social anxiety will probably always be something I struggle with, I'm going to work on helping it not to be as confining or devastating.
I wish you the best of luck with re-entry. I'm sure I'm not the only one with social anxiety who has really found peace in this season of rest. Do what you can and don't be too hard on yourself. We're all just doing out best! xo
