Social Anxiety after Social Distancing: The fear of re-entry

Hi! I hope you are doing well. It's April 7, 2020 and we are all still social distancing and honoring stay-home orders. It has been a strange and unsettling start to 2020 but I hope you are healthy and well and in a good place (as good as possible).

I just finished a video chat counseling session. At first I was reluctant, because I've never enjoyed seeing my face on the computer screen (eek!) but I have to tell you, I quite enjoyed it after the weirdness wore off about 3 minutes in.

Have you tried counseling for your social anxiety? I've mentioned before (I think) that I started to see a counselor when my social anxiety morphed beyond its boundaries into panic attacks.

It has been really helpful. Just having someone to talk to about my anxiety, and all that comes with it, including my past, family dynamics, unhealthy boundaries, self-judgement, the whole shebang, allows me to see it in a different way and focus on things that can help me in many areas of my life.

If you have social anxiety and haven't considered talking to a professional about it, now might be the time. If you're super uncomfortable meeting with someone in person (I am but it is something I can "tolerate the discomfort of" - not that we can meet with people in their offices right now anyway) you should try online counseling.

So why on earth am I talking about social anxiety during a time of social distancing? Because the truth is, there will be a time in the future where we will actually be living among each other again. There will be a time of re-entry. There will once again be times of socializing. Will we be ready? Will our crave for connection lessen our anxiety or will it be even harder due to our temporary social hibernation?

Well, I am here to say that I had a small taste of re-entry a couple days ago, and it was a hard reminder that, although I have been perfectly content while swaddled in the peace and comfort of my home, not having to socialize with anyone, my social anxiety is not gone. It's just taking a vacation right now.

I was taking a walk down my street, to get out of my house for a while and out into the sunshine, when a car drove slowly past and stopped and inside was a familiar smiling face, saying hi. It was a family from church. This woman is so nice - she's actually the same woman who invited us to eat at their house that day I turned her down and have felt like she felt bad about it ever since.

But there she was. And there I was. We were 6 feet apart but my social anxiety reeled me in as if we were standing side by side. As the discomfort merged us closer, I realized that just because I feel at peace in my socially desolate cocoon, out in the real world, nothing had changed. I was still me. And my social anxiety was still there. Dang it!

It didn't seem to matter that even though I actually missed the positive interactions and friendships from people at church, when I got in their physical presence, all bets were off.

So today's topic with my counselor, was one I knew I had to explore during this time of home stay so maybe I could re-emerge into society a stronger, braver, more evolved form of myself. Someone who had become more comfortable with discomfort so I could be more of the type of person I want to be instead of who I had been scolding myself for not being.

Insight from my counselor about how to work on social anxiety:

• Accept that you have social anxiety. Say, I have it. This is true for me. This is what I feel.
• Work on an increased awareness about what situations are harder for you.
• Write down a list of triggers and rate them by level of intensity so you can try to work on the ones that are "easiest" to try at first.
• Social Anxiety may always be something you struggle with, but ask yourself these 3 questions:
• 1) What do I want to be able to do after this is all over?" and
• 2) What do I not want to go back to? and work on those things. 
• 3) Even if I'm not totally comfortable doing certain things, what can I get better at feeling uncomfortable with and still do?

Is Social Anxiety about Low Self-esteem?

To me, social anxiety is about feelings of inadequacy...so I wondered if it also meant I had low self-esteem because outwardly I don't feel like I do. It's not that I don't like myself, I guess maybe I'm just afraid other people won't like me if they see the real me...but that's also not really on the forefront of my mind. Social Anxiety, for me, is about what's lurking in the recesses of my mind instead of what is in the front of my mind, if that makes sense.

She said Social Anxiety is about self-esteem, but also about self love and self compassion.  We can't stay in shame if we have empathy. Empathy has to come from ourselves and be applied to ourselves, not just granted to other people.  It's also very important to pay attention to, and write down, what you are saying to yourself every day, even if you're just thinking it in your own head.

What You Tell Yourself Matters

Our thoughts have such a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and as you write down what your automatic thoughts are, you'll likely start to see patterns. Watch what you tell yourself about your social anxiety. You are not your social anxiety. It is separate from you. It is separate from your worth and value. Making jokes about your anxiety, like, I know I'm so weird, still sends a message to your brain. What you tell yourself matters greatly.

As my counselor and I continued to talk, I told her how much energy it would take to stop and think about everything I say throughout a day. She acknowledged that it takes consistent, mindful practice and intention but doing so will help reshape the way you speak to yourself and what you think about yourself.

For example, I told her I had recently reconnected with someone I knew several years ago and how fun it was to get back in touch with them. But in the same breath, I said it scared me to reconnect because I was opening that door...that after this quarantine time, these same people will want to reconnect in person and, "I have to be comfortable with these people!"

She stopped me right there and asked me if I realized what I had just said? Instead of telling myself, "I have to be comfortable with these people," I should change it to say, "I want to be comfortable around these people." It totally has a different tone, doesn't it? Scolding versus intention.

Look at what you say to yourself and how you say it. Catch the old way of thinking and speaking and change it and replace it with a new message. Start your day with positive affirmations and investigate yourself without judgement. In time, with focus and intention, replacing the negatives with the positives, can incrementally make a difference.

Self compassion is key - no one improves because they were shamed into doing it.
Wow. This quote blew me out of the water. I shame myself all the time because of my struggles and it only makes me feel worse about myself.

All of this makes so much sense. It also takes a lot of energy. It also does make a difference.
And although I'm realizing social anxiety will probably always be something I struggle with, I'm going to work on helping it not to be as confining or devastating.

I wish you the best of luck with re-entry. I'm sure I'm not the only one with social anxiety who has really found peace in this season of rest. Do what you can and don't be too hard on yourself. We're all just doing out best! xo

I just need to live on the moon

I realize I haven't written about my social anxiety in ages (yes, I still have it) but yesterday at church pushed me over the edge and the "horrors" of yesterday have been swirling around in my head.
I need to get them out.

All the changes our church has been making lately are pushing me further and further into a corner. What used to be more of a passive experience, i.e. come to church and participate if you want to while the teachers teach, has become a much scarier place for hiders like me. Now everything is a discussion. Everything is a council. We have more small group teacher trainings. More participation. Different room layouts to promote conversation rather than passive participation. It's zeroing in on the one instead of letting us bleed into the background. I don't like it. It makes me really uncomfortable (as if I wasn't already).

I think often, if it weren't for my calling in primary, and my husband, it would be too easy for me to opt out on Sundays because of the social angst I feel every time I'm there. I finally told my mom the other day that I really don't like going to church and that I go because I know it's the right thing, instead of something I really enjoy. I was surprised that she wasn't shocked, but she doesn't really understand the whys.  I've never told her about my social anxiety because I would feel way too judged. She's a harsh critic.

I often wonder though, as I see my husband actually smiling during church, how it would feel if being afraid of all the people wasn't part of the equation? Would it be uplifting? Would it be something I looked forward to instead of dreading?

Ok, so back to yesterday. We found out that the last hour of church we would be meeting all together for a special council. I told my husband, before we even knew more about it, that if we were sitting in semi-circles, I would leave. ha! And if there was even a hint of small group discussions I would leave. For real.

When my husband came to the primary room and told me there were 3 rows on either side of the gym facing each other, I was tempted to run to the car. I decided I'd see what it looked like before fleeing, because I can get a sense of how "safe" the room feels just by seeing how it's set up.

It was strange to be sitting facing each other. Let's be honest, totally weird, but because I could opt for a back row, I stayed. They kept telling us the reason we were seated that way was to promote discussion. Discussion? I almost left, if it weren't for my back row dwelling where I felt a little more protected.

And it would have been a perfectly fine hour if it weren't for the bishop starting to call on random people to participate. I was already at defcon 3 because of the invasive room set-up and unknowns, but once you get some random call-outs, it shifts to defcon 4.99 (5 being the worst if you haven't seen War Games).

I kept thinking if I sit with my head down, he won't call on me. And don't worry, he didn't. BUT the problem was, I was afraid he might call on me the entire time, so add up that stress level! I wanted to leave so many times but kept thinking for the sake of my husband I needed to stay.

So....the end of the discussion was finally upon us and I finally felt the inklings of relief as I pictured myself running heading to the car awaiting any food at home that could take me back to my happy place, when the person sitting next to me invited us to dinner. What?!

Me: hanging on to the cliff by a fingernail.

Luckily, I had dinner cooking at home (for real) so I politely declined, and said we already had food in the crockpot. I felt horrible for saying no. She said, maybe next time. Now here's the thing, this woman is wonderful. She is one of my favorite people at church. She's very kind, has a great family, and is very warm and friendly. In an alternate universe I would have said to heck with what's in my crockpot, we'd love to join you for dinner...but in my universe, I will now have to A) avoid her like the plague, B) never talk to her again, or C) never go back to church. Sorry to tell you, there will never be a dinner.

Well this experience, of course, haunted me the rest of the day. I kept reliving the moment when she slowly turned to extend the invitation and I pretty much slapped her in the face with my crockpot. I kept trying to read her expression as I declined and hoped I didn't offend her because she's a saint. Why, why did you have to extend the meal card??! Such a kind gesture for someone who will never accept.

I was utterly defeated as I finally drove away from what felt like the longest 3 hours of my life. I let out a sigh that probably sounded more like a low growl and my husband asked if the primary kids had been that bad? I laughed and said they were the best part...and then proceeded to rant about the set-up of the room and how I thought the bishop might call on me and how it stressed me out that we'd been invited to dinner and...how in the end, I guess I just needed to live on the moon so I could be alone and never have to deal with the stress and anxiety of people again. 
And I meant it.