Pushing forward

Since I last posted, I have done a couple of things.

First, as much as I tried to avoid it, I knew it was something I needed to do. I contacted the visiting teaching coordinator and Relief Society president to let them know I needed a break from visiting teaching for a while, both as a teacher and as a teachee.

I told them in an honest email, that I was experiencing anxiety in certain social situations and needed to take a break from visiting teaching and hope they understood. I didn't want to do it. I put it off for two weeks. I was humiliated having to divulge my secret shame to people in my ward. I have lived it before and didn't want to bring this baggage with me to my new ward. I knew, however, like I did in the past, that if I didn't acknowledge my need to take a break, I would only end up making it more uncomfortable and awkward each time I tried to dodge my visiting teachers or make up excuses with my current visiting teaching companion and teachees.

The Relief Society President emailed back and said she'd been through some things herself and wondered if I was up for a visit. Funny how a visit is what I've been trying to avoid. My instinct has always been to hide out and isolate myself, but I knew deep inside that if I did, I might never come out. So instead of isolating myself and turning away from a hand of friendship reaching out to me, I reached back. She's coming Monday to visit with me. I'm so very guarded about myself and especially about my feelings surrounding social anxiety. I'm hoping it will be a comfort to share my burdens with her and although it will be somewhat difficult to know how to express myself about these things, I do appreciate her gesture of friendship and caring.

I refuse to sit down and accept social anxiety as my permanent condition so I continue daily with the lessons and exercises in the therapy series. I'm still only a few sessions in, but I can feel the truth of what I'm learning. And more than that, I feel a connection with these truths to the gospel somehow and it rings true to my spirit. It is bringing to my mind truths I already know, about my worth. Truths that have been smothered by years of life, criticism and painful experiences. Truths that are peeling back the layers of remorse, pain, defeat, and regret; reminding me who I really am.