Why I eat chips on Sunday

I just got home from church. Yes, I made it today. (loud cheering)

But I'm not gonna lie. I sped walked to the car (the door didn't have time to hit me on the way out) and the whole drive home all I could think about was what I got to eat when I got home. Getting there and surviving a whole 3 hours at church?! This girl gets a reward! It's so sad. They also call it e m o t i o n a l  e a t i n g. :|

But man, why is it so painful every week?! Aaahhhkkk!! I'm trying to do what's right and hope that it will get better and sometimes it does (like I mentioned after attending the temple), but some weeks are very difficult and the road ahead seems very long.

It's like a job I can't quit.
That sounds so wrong, but it's how I feel.

A word that comes to mind is torturous. Going to church really is weekly mental torture for people like me with social anxiety who don't like to share, who don't like to read aloud, who don't like to get up in front of people, who don't like to contribute to discussions, who don't like to socialize, who don't like working in groups...it's all the things we fear.

I love feeling the spirit of God fill and touch my heart. It's not the gospel that's difficult. It lifts me up and brings me such joy. I love sitting through sacrament meeting and feeling the spirit. I love having moments where I gain new insight and inspiration. In sacrament meeting there is no fear, no worry, only peace. I can soak up all the goodness of what's around me instead of wondering if I'll be called on, talked to or have to sit in a circle to share. It is the lack of fear that allows me to just be and it feels so good.

But as sacrament meeting comes to a close, the fear engages and I know I have 2 more difficult hours ahead. How I wish I could simply be a fly on the wall to feel God's spirit and love, and continue learning the beautiful things of the gospel...while remaining unseen and unnoticed.

I know other people have challenges that are probably much more difficult in other ways than I do, but this really is hard. I see my life ahead with these same feelings every day and it's hard to face. It makes me want to curl up in a ball. How I wish the Lord would take this difficulty from me. It has changed me so much. I feel like I've lost much of who I am because of it. I look back in time and almost don't recognize the bubbly, enthusiastic person I once was. Now I just try to keep to myself so no one breaks into my safe zone.

And that, my friends, is why I eat chips on Sunday. Or ice cream. Or cake. Or anything I can to reward myself for making it one more Sunday.

Now please pass the Doritos, we have home teachers coming in 15 minutes.