When social anxiety makes you afraid of your friends

I had an experience this past weekend that jolted me and my first thought was how much I wanted to write you about it. 

I thought I was in a pretty good place, mentally. 

Since experiencing panic attacks, I have tried to do a lot of mental health work on myself to prevent myself from going through that again. I've made it a priority to try and keep my nervous system in a place of peace. 

How church is going lately

For reference, we haven't gone back to church in person yet (we are still able to attend the online meetings each week) and that makes me feel SO much better. Church anxiety is such a HUGE, overwhelming part of my social anxiety and such a huge part of why my nervous system has been taxed for years and years and years.  

On top of my regular levels of anxiety about going to church, our ward was recently combined with another full ward. I feel really stressed thinking of having to meet a bunch of new people. It's like the first day of school over and over again. Who wants to go through the get-to-know-you-phase? Not me. Plus we have to move in a few months and will have to do that anyway. I opt for not going through it twice.

In addition to that, I'm still not comfortable about being in large groups since COVID-19 hit. We still have cases popping up in our area and large crowds are the last place I want to be. When I see all the people packed into the pews, I think, there's no way I want to go back to that. 

My parents got COVID, even after being vaccinated, and my dad, in particular, got very, very sick and was hospitalized for a week. We were so afraid we were going to lose him. I don't want to risk getting exposed and unknowingly passing it on to my parents.  

Anway, I guess you could call it avoidance, but not going to church in person has helped me feel so much more at peace instead of feeling completely stressed out every week.

When a friend feels more like an enemy

Back to the "incident" that brought me here today.

We were out of town this past weekend, in a place I felt pretty safe not running into anyone I knew. My former boss visits this spot on occasion, so truthfully I find myself looking over my shoulder to make sure he doesn't pop out of a crowd, but for the most part, I feel pretty relaxed. No surprises. 

But there she was. An old co-worker / current friend I haven't seen in about 6 years, in the same grocery store I was in, 82 miles from home. A place I thought I was safe from running into someone I knew. 

I felt a sudden panic I haven't felt in a long time. Luckily I saw just the edge of her profile and back of her hair, as she and her new boyfriend made their way over to the deli counter. I had just enough of a visual to know it was her. And in a moment of panic, like a trapped rabbit, I knew I had to get out of there.

I consider this girl a friend. We bonded when we worked together and stayed in touch after we both left that job. We currently chat on social media every week and in fact, just a couple days ago we were texting about what we were going to do this very weekend. I told her we may visit this place. And there she was. Right where I said I would be, yet I never expected her to be standing, just 15 feet from me, in this small town grocery store. 

Trapped rabbit. Where do I go to get out of here?

I don't know if my husband noticed my sudden change in behavior. 

The grocery store was packed (as it was Memorial Weekend) and we had to navigate through both hoards of people and empty shelves, to figure out what we were going to pick up for the next couple of days. 

And now I couldn't even think. I stood there and mentally asked myself the question, in as calm manner as I could, "So what if you do run into her? Could you handle it?" 

I used to have to ask myself this question before going into my calling in Young Women's, right after sacrament meeting. My anxiety was always high anticipating the next hour. Sitting in a circle, chatting with the other leaders, being in charge of something, being put on the spot to answer a question...I was always just one anxiety attack away from exiting stage left and never coming back. 

So after each sacrament meeting, I would mentally ask myself these questions, "What if you're totally embarrassed, or are put on the spot, or do something stupid, could you handle it?" And despite all the risks, my answer was generally, "Yes." I could handle it. So I went. Week after week after week, with anxiety buzzing in the background.

But in this moment - could I risk running into this friend of mine, who I so easily chatted with online each week but who I would suddenly be face-to-face with after all these years?

No. It was a hard no. I felt my brain implode a little bit and I knew I couldn't let that happen.

The Getaway

So as my husband and I stood in the aisle next to the yogurt and cheese, I secretly started to calculate an avoidance plan in my head.  She's at the deli now. Will they leave after that or will they do more shopping? Should we head to the other end of the store? Should we just keep walking down this aisle? What if she pops up face-to-face with me in another aisle?

And that's when I quickly went from an avoidance plan to an immediate exit strategy. 

I had to get out of this store and I had to do it without her seeing me.

I usually tell my husband about my weird anxiety moments, but instead, I decided to blame my sudden need to leave the store on the crowds. The store was legitimately packed. Check-out lines were strung out down the aisles and the shelves were nearly empty. Under other circumstances, I probably would have toughed it out, but under social anxiety duress, I was not going to make it.

And that's when I told him, in a calm voice, trying to hide the anxiety I felt in my soul, I just needed to get out of there. It was too crowded and felt like a zoo. Since this was the only grocery store in this little town, he just said, "Ok, maybe if we come back later it won't be so busy."

And then I did something a little weird. Ok, I guess you could call it even weirder than what I was already doing.

I walked us all the way down to the other end of the store, to the exit doors that were on the opposite end of where our car was, to avoid seeing my friend who was at the deli, which happened to be right in front of the exit doors that were right in front of our car.

I wonder if my husband thought, what in the world are you doing? But he just quietly followed behind my maze of crazy. 

I had to laugh at myself later (at the time I could not) because it made absolutely NO sense to do what I did. But a scared rabbit will find a way out even if it is running across a huge field to avoid the dog at the fence that is right in front of you. 

And while this is all quite comical, at the time it wasn't. Even now it really isn't. I feel very ashamed and very embarrassed that I, a grown woman, was so afraid of seeing my friend face to face and having to talk to her and catch up after all this time, that I made a mad dash to avoid her at all cost. 

Not one of my finer moments. And somehow, I thought I was over having more moments like this. I thought I was at a peaceful place in my mind, and as such, talking to an old friend wouldn't feel like I was under attack. I thought I was over this. It felt like I took 100 steps back, like I was going to be someone who hides forever.

So what happened next?

More hiding.

We went to our favorite restaurant, but the place was packed so we decided to leave. And truth be told, I was still on high alert, fearing my friend might show up there too, so I wasn't sad we were leaving. I had to protect myself. I had to get away from any possibility of running into her at all. Ever. 

So I talked my husband into going to another town about 25 minutes away so we could eat at the same restaurant, just in a different city, and then get our groceries in peace.

And that's what we did. And it felt absolutely wonderful. There were no crowds. There were no lines. And my friend was nowhere in sight. I felt such a huge wave of relief wash over me, it was like a weight was lifted off my chest. 

I had this nagging bad feeling in the back of my mind that my husband didn't know the real truth about why I had led us on this wild goose chase, so I kind of justified it by accentuating the fact that it was so much nicer to be out of the crowds. He agreed, but on a totally different level of understanding.

Avoidance is my drug of choice

I know avoiding these circumstances isn't healthy, and isn't actually helping, but I just couldn't face her. I couldn't handle her looking at me face-to-face, having me introduce my husband, her introducing her boyfriend, talking about what we're doing here, how life has been, blah, blah, blah. All of it was like being placed under a bright spotlight- fear, flaws and all. And I just couldn't do it. I had been in this position once before with an old family friend, and I had crumbled under the surprise and pressure of it all, choked my way through the conversation and felt absolutely horrible about it. I just couldn't face that again.

I know the adrenaline rush of avoidance is addicting. I thought I was over it, but evidently it's still my drug of choice. I don't know how to change this. I've said before, I really would love to live in a cabin in the woods where I feel safe and don't have to experience this anxiety that makes me afraid of talking to people and even afraid of my friends. 

Maybe I have regressed since being given actual permission to avoid people due to the quarantines and limitations of covid-19. But whatever the reason, I realized I'm clearly not over my social anxiety as it, once again, stared me right in the face and I kept on running.  

Social Anxiety and going back to church: Swimming with sharks

It's June of 2021. 

I just realized the last time I wrote was last June of 2020, still knee-deep in the Coronavirus pandemic. 

At the time, I was in fear of "real life" coming back and pushing me back to church and into the depths of life that scared me so much. Little did I know it wouldn't be until one full year later than I would receive my vaccine and finally be protected from the coronabeast.

I wish I could have known I would have another full year of "living my best life", tucked away in the safety and security of my own home, away from the threats that plagued my life pretty much daily.

But recently, the sharks have started circling around me and I feel like I'm being pushed head-first into their feeding pool. 

This past weekend (of course on a holiday weekend) we received a text from our bishop asking if we were ready to return to church because they had callings in mind for us.

It instantly got in my head and plagued the rest of my mini vacation. Can you NOT text me on a holiday please? 

My first feelings were rage, and I wailed aloud, "Please leave me alone!", as if my loud outburst would magically float across time and space to the bishop who would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, never mind."

The truth is, if I can be honest, I don't want to go back to the way my life was a year and a half ago. Where I felt pressure to say yes. Where I played the part. Where I had to pretend everything was fine and great and wonderful when it wasn't. Where I went to church every Sunday, and activities and callings and meetings with a twist in my gut, anticipating and mentally preparing myself against the unexpected; against the expectations and people who may or may not come up and talk to me or ask something of me. 

My husband and I were having a Sunday church discussion a few weeks ago and I was venting that I was really stressed about having to go back to church. When they announced they were opening back up to 2 hours of in-person church back in the building, it gave me a stomach ache. I could feel freedom slipping through my fingers and a weight tied around my neck pulling me under.

My husband didn't understand my deep distain for going back to in-person church.

I tried to explain to him that going back to church with social anxiety (or any anxiety for that matter) FEELS mentally the same as if there is a physical danger there. He responded, but it's all in your mind, there is no physical danger.

I said, "You're right, but imagine what it would feel like if you still felt like there was danger, even if there wasn't, and no amount of reason could change how you felt."

I continued, "Going back to church, for me, feels like I'm being thrown into the water with a school of hungry, circling sharks. There is no physical danger, but the fear is just as real as if there were. Now try enjoying church feeling like that."

I've said it before, I'll say it again, if I could have church at home the rest of my life I would. If I'm allowed to say what I wish, it would be to never have to have in-person church again with a congregation or to have to attend any of the meetings, socials or group activities. 

It doesn't mean I don't have or want to keep my testimony. 

It doesn't mean I don't believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

It means because of my social anxiety, all the good things and good feelings about the gospel are suffocated by the anxiety of having to play the part and associate with all the people and bend to all the painful expectations. 

I know this is my social anxiety talking, but at the moment, I'd rather live a smaller life than fight the constant battle and worry that comes with pushing myself back into the water. It is exhausting. 

• I'm not ready to go back to meeting with the bishop or counselor behind a closed door. 
• I'm not ready to be putting on a happy face for all the people, when inside I'm ready to run. 
• I'm not ready to act like I'm fine when I'm not.
• I'm not ready to have to dream up an excuse for why I don't want to have dinner with someone, why I can't give a talk, why I can't accept a calling, why I don't want to have the missionaries come and visit or why I don't want to open my door when someone drops by. 
• I'm not ready for the mental fight and anguish within myself every single time I think about these things or step through those doors on Sunday! 

I told my husband I was born into the club but it didn't mean I wanted to be.

All the hard feelings are coming back and I feel slowly like I'm suffocating under the pressure of having to go back to that life. 

When people say, 'you can create and live a life you love', I have a hard time believing that because I wouldn't choose this but don't feel like I really have a choice. This is not what I love but the guilt of not doing it is worse than doing it. I don't love the role I feel I am expected to play. And it doesn't mean I don't believe the gospel teachings, it means the gospel and church life are 2 separate things for me. One is beautiful and the other is torturous.

Are you having a hard time "going back to the way things used to be?" 

My counselor once told me it was ok to look at how my life was before the pandemic, and decide what I don't want back in my life. Why does it feel like I really don't have a choice?

How are you dealing with going back to in-person church? Is it harder for you than before the pandemic? I could use some insight. 

 

Do we have to choose courage over comfort to be happy? Brene Brown says yes

As I was sitting on my couch a couple days ago, the feeling washed over me at how happy and content I have felt for the last few months during the home stay of this pandemic.

Yes, I have had my ups and downs, times where I've cried when fear has overcome me, times when I have missed my family so deeply it hurt and times when feelings of desperation, for God to protect the ones I love, have been overwhelming. But as those waves have come and gone, the feelings that are left are of peace, happiness and contentment.

I love living my simple life. I am thriving with a simple existence. I feel joy every day instead of fear.  I have been living my best life through this pandemic. And I don't want it to end. Isn't that kind of joy and contentment what life is supposed to feel like?

When you have all that you need, when your family is safe, when you are wrapped up in the cocoon of your small life, in your small spaces, right in the center of the storm, life is calm. It's outside that circle where the wind blows the hardest. And I'm not sad I'm not out there anymore.

I joked with my husband that the hermits of the world, hunkered down in their homes without social contact, who everyone thinks, "Oh poor thing, they must be so sad and lonely..." are probably living their best lives!! Because I know I am!

I sat there and wondered, if I am this happy and this content, FINALLY, after all these years of suffering every day, worrying about who I might run into, who might stop by, who might ask me to do something hard, what is expected of me at church, at work, with family, and so on and so on and so on... why do these good feelings have to end when the home stay orders end? Why do I have to fit the life that everyone else thinks is "normal", when I finally feel the most normal and the most content I ever have in my life?!

All this time, I’ve spent trying to change myself.
I've been trying to make myself not feel anxiety when I'm around people in all capacities.
All this time, so much of my self-work has been about changing who I am to fit into society and to try to be more comfortable with everyone else.

But the truth is, I like who I am. I like my life small. I don’t like being in groups. I don't love being around people outside of my friends and family. And why can’t that just be ok? Why can't that be the way I choose to live?

If I were to live on a farm out in the middle of nowhere with only small chosen interactions I would be living my best life. I don’t need a lot of people around me to feel happy (other than the interactions with my husband, and family). I don’t want to keep fighting my natural instinct of introversion to try to become more of what I think I am supposed to be to fit in with what everyone else says is normal.

Church is so hard for me and if I could spend the rest of my life having church at home, that is exactly what I would choose. I don’t miss being with the people. It has been a huge relief not to be. I can still practice my religion at home, a place that has become a spiritual haven, and refuge since not being able to go to the church building. What I dread more is going back to the way things were - a life of being uncomfortable 95% of the time. No thank you.

And so I sat with this, and pondered there on the couch, content and optimistic at the prospects of a small and simple future. A future filled with the same contentment I felt right then and there. I felt relief. I felt so happy. Could it really be that simple? Was I really allowed to be this happy and content the rest of my life, living quietly and comfortably, without all the social pressures that had brought me so much suffering?

And then as if on que, The Call to Courage, by Brene' Brown, popped up in my friend's Instagram feed and I thought, hmm, maybe I'll watch that again.

With this newly formed mantra on living my best simple life, I was gung-ho for a future as a happy hermit and then Brene' Brown quickly burst my bubble...and it left me thinking if what she said was true, (and it was based on data), then living a comfortable social-anxiety-free life might not be an option for a happy life, after all.

Here is some of Brene' Brown's wisdom that stuck out to me (from the Netflix special, The Call to Courage):

• Vulnerability is defined as, "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure."

• “Vulnerability is not about winning, it’s not about losing, it's having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.”

• There is no courage without vulnerability.

• Give me an example of courage that did not require uncertainty, risk or emotional exposure. You can’t. There is no courage without vulnerability.

• How brave you are is directly related to how vulnerable you are willing to be.

• Vulnerability is hard and it’s scary and it feels dangerous but it’s not as hard, scary or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, "What if I would have shown up?"

• How many of you want more love, intimacy and joy in your life? You can’t have that if you don’t let yourself be seen. How can you let yourself be loved if you can’t be seen? Vulnerability is the path back to each other but we are so afraid to get on it.

• We can’t go it alone. We are neurobiologically hard-wired for connection with other people; in the absence of connection, love and belonging, there is always suffering. You can’t go it alone. If you could, I would’ve found a way by now as an introvert and someone who loves humanity but is so-so on people, I would’ve found a way.

•  “Vulnerability is the path back to each other, but we’re so afraid to get on it and we end up hurting each other a lot. “We want it so bad, but we’re so afraid to let ourselves be seen, and we’re so afraid to see people, but it’s the only way back.”

• You can’t engineer out the uncomfortable part of vulnerability. If it’s comfortable it’s not vulnerable.

• Fitting in versus belonging. They are opposites.  Belonging is belonging to yourself first, speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people.  True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are and that’s vulnerable. 

• We are terrified to feel joy. If we let ourselves feel joy, something will come along and rip it away from us and we will get sucker punched from pain, trauma and loss, so in the midst of great things we literally dress rehearse tragedy.

• Those who were really able to lean into joy, practiced gratitude.

• If you don’t allow yourself to feel vulnerable, we work out our own pain on other people because it's so much easier to cause pain than to feel pain.

• I will choose to live in the arena every morning. I say to myself, I will choose courage over comfort.

• "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity." 

Ok... so what are your thoughts?  Do you see how everything Brene' Brown just taught is in direct conflict with my newly found mantra, that hermits' lives rule?

When she says I will choose to put myself out there and choose courage over comfort, I think, that has been me every day for the last nearly 5 decades of life. I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing every day and it’s exhausting. Social anxiety doesn't just feel like choosing courage over comfort, it feels like we're giving up more than just comfort, I would call it choosing to suffer through with courage.

No, living like a hermit is not brave. Living like a hermit is not putting ourselves out there every day to be vulnerable. For those of us with social anxiety, putting ourselves out there really does match the definition of vulnerability. Wherever we go, whatever we do, it is filled with the fear of making ourselves vulnerable to other people. It is all about uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is all about being afraid to be seen.

But if we're not putting ourselves out there and, in turn, exposing our vulnerabilities to others, we also don't get the joy, love and fulfillment that can come from meaningful, safe connections with other people.

Being vulnerable and courageous is tiring. I wonder, is that what it means to endure to the end? I'm afraid that is what it means. What about, men are that they might have joy?

My calling has come "calling" again, if you know what I mean. I've been getting texts and emails for things I've been asked to do and keep up connections with certain people. Our bishop has had ward zoom chats for people who need connection, but I have never felt better in my life NOT connecting...

I feel the choke-hold of church again creeping back up on me. I don't know how to reconcile the feelings I have. I love home church and if ever given the choice, would never want to go back to regular church meetings again but it doesn't mean my testimony is wavering. My testimony, in fact, might be the strongest it's ever been with the time I've been able to set aside to read and study the Book of Mormon. I feel connected to it in a stronger way than I ever have. I have felt connected to Heavenly Father and the Savior in a stronger, personal way. I feel so good.

I don't want to go back to how life used to be. I was unhappy. I was stressed. I was worried. I was always anticipating the hard things coming up and thinking of excuses was draining and feeling guilty about all of it. All the things that made me so uncomfortable about life and about church have been softened and quieted with the stay home orders during this pandemic, and it has been such a relief.

The bottom line, is that we all want a life full of joy and happiness and what that looks like is different for each of us.

It's not out of selfishness that we choose to protect ourselves and stay more isolated, but it is out of necessity for our mental wellbeing.

Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He knows our limitations. I think He doesn't want to see us in so much fear of being vulnerable that it leaves us feeling sad and alone.  I think it's more about finding a balance where we push ourselves a little bit out of our comfort zones, to open ourselves up to the potential of love, belonging, joy, courage, and empathy, but not to a point that we are debilitated and it hurts us more than it helps us and instead of growth, it hinders our progression.

I have a feeling that if we ask Heavenly Father to help us find the courage to be vulnerable, and put ourselves out there every day, instead of living in the safe cocoon of isolation, to also ask Him to bless us with love, joy, fulfillment, creativity, or whatever we are in need of. He is waiting to bless us, but we can't reap the rewards if we're not willing to act.

In the case of social anxiety, "acting" is putting ourselves out into the world with all of our social fears, to be vulnerable, to be brave, to be seen, having the courage to show up when we can’t control the outcome.

And also to allow ourselves to lean into joy, despite the risks, and to live a life filled with gratitude (because living in gratitude is what Brene' Brown said is the secret to feeling and embracing joy). When we show up to our life and "enter the arena", while it exposes us to all our vulnerabilities, it also allows us to receive the benefits from such a risk. It requires us to do the uncomfortable things but those things can also bless the lives of other people.

So, while I still want a simpler life and will live by that mantra, it might not look like a hermit up in a cabin in the deep woods. I will not give up on my life. I will not give up on becoming the best version of myself. I will not give up on God, who I know has the power to help me when I need Him. I will continue to learn ways to overcome what scares me and continue to put myself out there so I don't live with regret, and that goes both ways.  If something is too hard, it will be ok to say no and if something is uncomfortable but manageable, I'll step out of my comfort zone and try.

 What will you do?

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Other titles I considered for this post:
Why Hermits might just be living their best life
A Hermit's life for me
How to live your best life with social anxiety

Social Anxiety after Social Distancing: The fear of re-entry

Hi! I hope you are doing well. It's April 7, 2020 and we are all still social distancing and honoring stay-home orders. It has been a strange and unsettling start to 2020 but I hope you are healthy and well and in a good place (as good as possible).

I just finished a video chat counseling session. At first I was reluctant, because I've never enjoyed seeing my face on the computer screen (eek!) but I have to tell you, I quite enjoyed it after the weirdness wore off about 3 minutes in.

Have you tried counseling for your social anxiety? I've mentioned before (I think) that I started to see a counselor when my social anxiety morphed beyond its boundaries into panic attacks.

It has been really helpful. Just having someone to talk to about my anxiety, and all that comes with it, including my past, family dynamics, unhealthy boundaries, self-judgement, the whole shebang, allows me to see it in a different way and focus on things that can help me in many areas of my life.

If you have social anxiety and haven't considered talking to a professional about it, now might be the time. If you're super uncomfortable meeting with someone in person (I am but it is something I can "tolerate the discomfort of" - not that we can meet with people in their offices right now anyway) you should try online counseling.

So why on earth am I talking about social anxiety during a time of social distancing? Because the truth is, there will be a time in the future where we will actually be living among each other again. There will be a time of re-entry. There will once again be times of socializing. Will we be ready? Will our crave for connection lessen our anxiety or will it be even harder due to our temporary social hibernation?

Well, I am here to say that I had a small taste of re-entry a couple days ago, and it was a hard reminder that, although I have been perfectly content while swaddled in the peace and comfort of my home, not having to socialize with anyone, my social anxiety is not gone. It's just taking a vacation right now.

I was taking a walk down my street, to get out of my house for a while and out into the sunshine, when a car drove slowly past and stopped and inside was a familiar smiling face, saying hi. It was a family from church. This woman is so nice - she's actually the same woman who invited us to eat at their house that day I turned her down and have felt like she felt bad about it ever since.

But there she was. And there I was. We were 6 feet apart but my social anxiety reeled me in as if we were standing side by side. As the discomfort merged us closer, I realized that just because I feel at peace in my socially desolate cocoon, out in the real world, nothing had changed. I was still me. And my social anxiety was still there. Dang it!

It didn't seem to matter that even though I actually missed the positive interactions and friendships from people at church, when I got in their physical presence, all bets were off.

So today's topic with my counselor, was one I knew I had to explore during this time of home stay so maybe I could re-emerge into society a stronger, braver, more evolved form of myself. Someone who had become more comfortable with discomfort so I could be more of the type of person I want to be instead of who I had been scolding myself for not being.

Insight from my counselor about how to work on social anxiety:

• Accept that you have social anxiety. Say, I have it. This is true for me. This is what I feel.
• Work on an increased awareness about what situations are harder for you.
• Write down a list of triggers and rate them by level of intensity so you can try to work on the ones that are "easiest" to try at first.
• Social Anxiety may always be something you struggle with, but ask yourself these 3 questions:
• 1) What do I want to be able to do after this is all over?" and
• 2) What do I not want to go back to? and work on those things. 
• 3) Even if I'm not totally comfortable doing certain things, what can I get better at feeling uncomfortable with and still do?

Is Social Anxiety about Low Self-esteem?

To me, social anxiety is about feelings of inadequacy...so I wondered if it also meant I had low self-esteem because outwardly I don't feel like I do. It's not that I don't like myself, I guess maybe I'm just afraid other people won't like me if they see the real me...but that's also not really on the forefront of my mind. Social Anxiety, for me, is about what's lurking in the recesses of my mind instead of what is in the front of my mind, if that makes sense.

She said Social Anxiety is about self-esteem, but also about self love and self compassion.  We can't stay in shame if we have empathy. Empathy has to come from ourselves and be applied to ourselves, not just granted to other people.  It's also very important to pay attention to, and write down, what you are saying to yourself every day, even if you're just thinking it in your own head.

What You Tell Yourself Matters

Our thoughts have such a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and as you write down what your automatic thoughts are, you'll likely start to see patterns. Watch what you tell yourself about your social anxiety. You are not your social anxiety. It is separate from you. It is separate from your worth and value. Making jokes about your anxiety, like, I know I'm so weird, still sends a message to your brain. What you tell yourself matters greatly.

As my counselor and I continued to talk, I told her how much energy it would take to stop and think about everything I say throughout a day. She acknowledged that it takes consistent, mindful practice and intention but doing so will help reshape the way you speak to yourself and what you think about yourself.

For example, I told her I had recently reconnected with someone I knew several years ago and how fun it was to get back in touch with them. But in the same breath, I said it scared me to reconnect because I was opening that door...that after this quarantine time, these same people will want to reconnect in person and, "I have to be comfortable with these people!"

She stopped me right there and asked me if I realized what I had just said? Instead of telling myself, "I have to be comfortable with these people," I should change it to say, "I want to be comfortable around these people." It totally has a different tone, doesn't it? Scolding versus intention.

Look at what you say to yourself and how you say it. Catch the old way of thinking and speaking and change it and replace it with a new message. Start your day with positive affirmations and investigate yourself without judgement. In time, with focus and intention, replacing the negatives with the positives, can incrementally make a difference.

Self compassion is key - no one improves because they were shamed into doing it.
Wow. This quote blew me out of the water. I shame myself all the time because of my struggles and it only makes me feel worse about myself.

All of this makes so much sense. It also takes a lot of energy. It also does make a difference.
And although I'm realizing social anxiety will probably always be something I struggle with, I'm going to work on helping it not to be as confining or devastating.

I wish you the best of luck with re-entry. I'm sure I'm not the only one with social anxiety who has really found peace in this season of rest. Do what you can and don't be too hard on yourself. We're all just doing out best! xo

Easing your anxiety during the Coronavirus

Hi friends,

This is a crazy time, isn't it? The uncertainty of everything concerning the Coronavirus is really unsettling and is causing major disruptions in our lives, and stirring up a lot of anxiety as well.

For those of us with social anxiety, the social distancing part isn't a problem for us. I know we can joke about it but I certainly don't mean it in an insensitive way. When you are a person who craves being protected from the judgement of other people, being required to stay away from people can actually bring a sense of relief. 

I realized today that, seriousness of this situation aside, we can rest assured that neither the Relief Society president, our ministering sisters, home teachers or bishopric members will just stop by unannounced. :) Whew!

But in all seriousness, we can actually take this time to connect with them from a distance - through texting or email and it will be perfectly acceptable. No socializing required. It can feel so much more comfortable from afar and we can still offer our sincere support. 

As a side note, I, myself, have enjoyed having church at home the last 2 weeks and have felt the spirit really strong in our home (as I have also heard from others). I try to look at it as a special time to connect with those living in our homes and bringing the spirit into our homes in a different but profound way.

I hope you are all doing well! 

For some of us, our anxiety goes beyond just the social part. I've shared with you that I started having panic attacks and a much broader range of daily anxiety that has greatly affected my life.

I have been seeing a counselor every couple of weeks and am still following the positive helps I mentioned in my last post and those under Helpful Resources. The podcast really helps a lot. She has such good practical and actionable recommendations. I highly recommend it.

I have also tried to incorporate more church related sources into my daily routine - right now I'm listening to Sis. Wendy Watson Nelson's book on CD: Covenant Keepers. I find it helpful to bring in as much positivity as I can, especially right now when there is a lot of negativity and worry swirling around.

It's important to get out of our heads when we feel our anxiety spinning. If you find yourself really worrying and obsessing about the Coronavirus, take a look at how much information you're taking in and re-evaluate it. Staying informed is important but an overabundance of information or focus on it may only lead to an increase in worry and anxiety without helping us at all. 

Focus on what you CAN do - like eating healthy, following the guidelines from the CDC and government and sticking to positive, healthy routines, etc. and then decide which reputable sources you'll follow and keep it to a minimum to stay informed. It's not necessary to keep reading about every detail and statistic about the Coronavirus or you may get overwhelmed with worry. 

Get outside. Exercise. Meditate. Listen to music. Sing. Dance. There are really so many things we can do to help break the cycle of worry. I recently discovered that something as simple as telling myself to "change the channel" in my head and imagining myself clicking the nob to another channel (like an old tv dial nob from one of the tv's I grew up with) really helps me break the cycle of negative or obsessive thinking. Nope. Program's over. It totally works for me.

How are you doing through all of this? I hope you are healthy and able to keep yourself in a positive place in your mind. Let me know how you're doing and if you have any helpful tips to share on how you're combating your stress and anxiety. As always, thinking of you and sending happy, healthy prayers your way!

Panic, Anxiety and Claustrophobia: break the cycle with positive thinking

It's hard to explain what a panic attack feels like. 

For me, it's like a wave of some unknown power washing over me, flooding my mind and body with a darkness, a feeling that I'm going mad, losing my mind and losing total control of my psyche. At that moment I can literally feel that something bad is happening to me but I know I can't do anything about it. 

And then comes the heart pounding, I can't catch my breath, I feel lightheaded and I'm sure I'm going to pass out, throw up or suddenly collapse. The feeling that I have to get out of that place right now because I actually am having a heart attack and this is what it feels like to die.

Whew. That's a lot.

When claustrophobia moves in

For years I have had horrible dreams that I am trapped in a dark place and have no idea how I got there and because it is so deeply dark (can't see your hand in front of your face dark), I have no idea how I'm going to get out. 

Sometimes in my dreams I "awake" (again in the pitch black of night) on a platform way up in the air and if I happen to roll the wrong way, I know I'll drop to my death. Other times I "wake up" in a pitch black cave with no idea how I got there and how I will ever get out. And the worst? I "wake up" finding that I'm somehow trapped in a deep dark cave laying on my back under a gigantic boulder that is only about 2 inches above me and there's no way I'm getting out (i.e. cave coffin).

Wow. Are you sweating yet?
And yes, I wake up from those dreams in a complete fit of panic, sometimes calling out to my husband, sometimes choking, sometimes my heart is pounding and I can't catch my breath and I'm having a full blown panic attack. 

Now imagine those terrifying feelings while you're awake: 

Imagine these feelings of complete terror and panic coming on when you're in a small space, a room without windows, riding in an elevator, flying in an airplane, driving in a car, in a crowded room, being stuck in a wall of traffic or even in a long line of people in a slightly narrow space. 

The feeling of being trapped has taken over my psyche. It's not only in my dreams, it's in my every day activities, it's even in my conversations with other people.

These feelings of panic and being trapped like to hold hands with social anxiety

It doesn't make sense logically, but being trapped in social situations is also a trigger. When you're having a conversation with someone, you can't just walk away, you're "trapped" until it's socially acceptable to end the conversation and go. You can't just walk away mid-sentence, run out of the room, or turn red and hyperventilate or they'll think you're totally odd (bring on the fear of being judged).

This panic has invaded conversations with people (even in my family). Someone looking directly at me, talking fast, talking with intensity, needing me too much or they have popped my space bubble and are standing a little too close. All of these situations have sparked panic attacks.

How do you have a panic attack in front of someone and not look like you're going crazy? Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide! No way NOT to be judged.

How the power of thoughts can change your state of mind

Whatever your situation is, whether you have felt these same dreadful feelings of panic attacks and physical symptoms, claustrophobia, generalize anxiety where you feel that awful energy in your chest and worry all the time, or just in social situations, we all have the power to change our thoughts.

I know logically that all of these feelings and physical symptoms are a product of my thoughts. Thoughts and feelings I have pushed down each time I've felt them because they are down right terrifying and they spring back up in physical manifestations. I have always heard how powerful our thoughts are, but I have unwittingly unleashed their highest negative power in my life.

Knowing how powerful our thoughts can be, and that they have gotten me to this point in my life on the negative end of the spectrum, think of how powerful it would be to shift them the opposite direction, to peace and positivity? We are what we think. There is so much power in that statement. Will you use this power for good or evil against your very self? 

As a wise person recently told me, in response to my fearful quandry: "There's NO WAY I can talk myself into getting on the plane I am supposed to fly out of in a few weeks!", she replied "Yes, you can.You talked yourself into this state of mind, you can talk yourself out."

Ways you can start changing your thoughts and healing your anxiety today:

Positive Affirmations
This is a video I'm currently watching & reciting every morning:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mSJ4uKRBf0&feature=youtu.be

Counseling Podcasts 
This is a great counseling podcast I am currently listening to. It is very insightful and I highly recommend it:
https://www.theanxietycoachespodcast.com/

Follow people on social media who have a positive influential message:
I like this feed because she has struggled with anxiety and depression and found a way to turn her life to positivity despite her struggles and just "gets it". 
https://www.instagram.com/positivelypresent/

Her blog has insightful, personal posts too, especially this one on happiness versus positivity:
https://www.positivelypresent.com/2018/11/happiness-vs-positivity-whats-the-difference.html

Daily practice: 
There are so many ways you can help redirect your thoughts in a positive way and it takes work, but is worth it. It took me this many years to get to this place, it will take time to reprogram the way I think and feel.

Find things you can do every day to begin to heal, like those I've mentioned above, and focus on redirecting your thoughts every day.

Each time I think a fearful or negative thought I just let myself feel it, address it and move on with a more positive outlook or statement so I don't push down more negative/fearful thoughts that will crop up and get me when I least expect it.

I hope this has helped. I am working hard not to let anxiety and fear rule my life anymore. I will continue to share my journey with you. Please share if you have felt the same way!

Looking through a lens of fear

I just had an epiphany a few minutes ago as I was cheering myself on to go for a walk with someone tomorrow that I don't know that well.

It was like a lightbulb went off in the dark recesses of my mind.

For my entire life.
With everything I encounter.
Before I do it.
While I'm doing it.
And even after I've done it.

I live my life through a lens of fear.

For years.
For a lifetime.

My first instinct is a subconscious, automatic mental evaluation of every opportunity, every decision, every proposition, every situation and every person, through my Personal Fear Guage.

You want to go on a walk with me?
Ok, excuse me while I pull out my imaginary clipboard, complete with Fear Evaluation clasped to the front. It will just take a minute.

Pre-fear Evaluation:

Glasses on, pen cap off, clip board at the ready.
1) How much fear will this cause me?
2) Will I be able to handle that fear?
3) What could go wrong? How likely is it to happen?
4) Will I have an out?

Results: If fear threat is low, you can say yes, or just stick with maybe if that feels better at the moment and you can still cancel. If fear threat is high, trigger bright red flashing lights and booming sirens. It's a definite, non-negotiable NO.

Present Fear Evaluation:

If you checked 'yes' to the activity and you've actually gotten yourself there.
Self check-in
1) How are you feeling? Are you ok? Do you need some water?
2) Do you need to leave?
3) Any red flags, i.e. small confined spaces? Get-to-know-you-games? Group introductions? Chairs set up in circles? Round table discussions?
4) Are you still breathing normally?

Results: If fear is elevated in any area you are free to exit stage left, regardless of who might be watching, who might be offended or who might think you're just plain cuckoo.

Post-Fear Evaluation:

Holy... whew! It's over. Breathe. You did it. You lived.
Post-Activity Self-feedback
1) How did I do?
2) How did I feel?
3) Did anything go wrong?
4) Did I act stupid?
5) Did I act like I felt uncomfortable?

Results: Obsess over 1-5


This walk I'm speaking of, taking place tomorrow, should really be no big deal. I was even the one who brought it up to her in the first place, several weeks ago, on a good day, as a way to catch up.  It's just casual, I told myself. And then she scheduled it and all of a sudden it got serious like an 'appointment to walk'. I don't do well with things other people tell me I have to do or appointments that loom over my head like storm clouds.

So this morning she texted me, still on for tomorrow?
Hmmmm… I let the text bubble bounce for a while, trying to decide how to respond, little did I know my Pre-Fear Mental Evaluation was already in process.

At the end of my subconscious eval, I was at a 'maybe'... heading to 'cancel', but knew I'd better sit on that before responding. So I had some head talk, Remember you wanted to take a walk in the sunshine and thought it would be a nice way to reach out to her? Take advantage of this opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy the rays and a little convo. It's not a big deal. So I said yes.

But evidently there was another part to my evaluation that I missed, like a doctor's office with those double-sided pages you didn't see. Even after the yes, my mind reviewed more detailed fearful possibilities, specific to the proposition at hand: Will it be awkward? What if we don't have anything to say? What if I have a panic attack and can't catch my breath while we're walking? What if this was all just a big mistake?

And so I'm trying to push it in the back of my mind, because it's tomorrow.
Could I still cancel? Yes.
Will I? Probably not.

But you see, I realized in this earth shifting moment, that this is what I do with EVERYTHING that is placed in front of me. And as my whole life flashed before me I went, Oh yeah, I totally do that. My mind has always automatically raced with all the negative possibilities. I don't remember ever FIRST thinking, Oh hey, that would be fun!

As we get to know ourselves better, I think we can begin to better evaluate our behavior and try to make changes.

Because of this little epiphany, I will consciously try not to go to the negative place first, and instead try to see it through a positive lens first. Who knows, it might make all the difference.