Sunday Revelations: God's gift for my socially anxious mind

Whew! Made it through another Sunday.
I know, this is getting redundant.
But believe me, it's an every week accomplishment!

Church yesterday was another difficult one. I swear that social anxiety ebs and flows like a monthly cycle. Am I wrong? There's a blip of time through the month I feel almost confident, other times just regular, while other times I'm exceptionally anxious. Hormone related? I may have to read about that. Or start charting my anxiety. But who wants to do that?

I'm still in shock that I made it to church yesterday. My husband had something work-related Sunday morning (which never happens), but which meant I would be going to church alone. Usually if my husband can't go to church for whatever reason, I break out the party hats and celebrate my "get-out-of-church" free pass! But I felt like I should go.

I had a calling to fulfill and if I didn't go, it was difficult to find someone to replace me. It would be one thing if I called and got a sub, but quite another if I just didn't show up. Rude.

I battled the decision back and forth in my head and finally decided that at least I would go for relief society. But even then I wouldn't call it a "firm" decision. If even the faintest wind of doubt blew, I might cave in and not go.

But as I went throughout my morning doing other things as I passed the time, I knew in my heart it was the Sabbath day. A day set aside from the rest of the week to put aside our own cares and desires, and worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I couldn't pretend it was just other day, because it wasn't. And I needed to go to church.

So I got ready and even went in time for most of Sunday School. But wow, I felt "off". Was it because I had missed sacrament meeting?  I felt like I had stumbled into the middle of a 3 act play. My heart was beating hard in my chest and my anxiety was high for no real reason, as I sat in my Sunday School seat. I tried to focus and calm down my insides as the questions kept going over in my mind, "How did I get here??"; "Why didn't I just stay home??"; "You had a free pass for heaven's sake!".

But I suffered through it, high on anxiety, as if to expect at any moment the teacher to call me up to do a tap dance. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel so anxious? Was it a cycle shift? Geeze Louise!

But as the closing prayer ended in Sunday School, I opened my eyes to find my sweet husband coming in the far door. My heart filled with warmth to see his smile.

For a moment I envisioned the after-life, in the eternities, and we were both there. Not one without the other. And all at once I knew I had made the right choice to come to church. I wanted to be with him forever, as is our marital promise, as we keep our covenants and live faithfully. And I would live the commandment to go to church because I love my husband and won't leave him standing alone because I promised to be there. Always.

Every week it seems I need something concrete to "convince me" to get to church because my social anxiety makes it so difficult. These little moments of enlightenment, these "Sunday Revelations", are what keep me going. What helps me to get to church one week, may not be what helps me the next, so I need a list to help me a long. I'm grateful for God's little graces.