The place In-between

First, I want to say thank you to all of you who have left encouraging comments. Even I feel alone at times, just like you do, so it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone either. :)

Back in June, one of you left a very kind, heartfelt comment, but deleted it (I'm not sure why). I kept it because it is what helped me to push forward out of the social anxiety relapse I was in.

Here is what she said, because it might offer you just what you need too:

"Heavenly Father loves you so much! He - as well as the Savior - know the thoughts and intents of your heart. The Atonement covers not only the price of repented sin, but also every single pain and heartache imaginable. This helps me so much when I have my SA attacks - to know that there is One who understands me completely, and loves me completely. When I have my days of suffocating SA, where I hate hate hate going to church and having to put on a plastic smile for several hours, and when I come home later and rehash all my imagined social gaffes with my husband, I remind myself that I am not alone. When I feel the discomfort of being in awkward social situations, so much that it causes me physical symptoms, I remind myself that the Savior has suffered everything EVERYTHING so that He can help me too. And when people are quick to judge my character (no, I am not stuck up! Just incredibly, painfully socially fearful), I know that the Savior has felt that hurt, too. I hope that that knowledge helps you, also. 

You may have suffered a relapse, but I have encouraging words for you, ones that have helped me when I have struggled. A LAPSE is falling off the wagon. A RELAPSE is falling off the wagon after getting on again. A COLLAPSE is giving up completely. We all have lapses. And yes, every now and again, we all have relapses. 

But we don't have to make them collapses. :) Even if I suffer a series of relapses of my SA behavior the rest of my life, I will try my best not to collapse. And even if I do collapse, there is always hope. This gospel is one of progression, and the Lord sees us not where we were, but where we are going." 

That encouragement and positive message helped me push through my negativity and get myself to church that next Sunday. I just decided that I needed to commit myself to going and let it become a habit, if that's what needed to happen first, before I felt happy about being there.

It still hasn't been all roses. There have been Sundays I still let my fear get the better of me and I don't go to church. There have been times in class I've been asked to read aloud or go around the room to share and the fear takes its hold and I either talk myself down off the ledge and get through it, or make a fast exit. I do what I can do. And that's how I'm making it.

I've had to redefine who I am, a little bit. I used to be the person who did everything they were asked. I tried not to let anyone down. If a calling was extended, I took it. If an assignment was given, I accepted it. If a volunteer was needed, I offered.

I have come to a point in my life where I recognize my limits and if something's too much, I say no. I know I let people down, and I'm becoming one of those people that can't always be counted on and that makes me really uncomfortable, being a perfectionist and all, but I'm trying to allow myself to be okay with it. And to know that there hopefully will be a day when I can make up for it - and accept more and do more and be more, but for now, this is where I am.

As I've thought about where my mind has been these last couple months, I wasn't quite sure how to define it. It's that place in-between denial and acceptance. What do you call it? Oblivion? I have been trying to block out the fact that I have social anxiety and just detach my brain from everything so I don't have to face it or worry about it. I guess you can call it going to "my happy place", where there is no fear and all is good. I have pushed myself through a few Sundays and home teaching visits that I wanted to run from, but once they were done I could mentally let my guard down and stay in my happy place for a while.

I have a few job related things coming up that just strangle me with fear, so I keep pushing it out of my head. I know it's coming, and the closer it gets, the farther away my happy place goes. I prefer oblivion to facing my real life fears, but I'm still reading Pres. Hinckley's inspiring quote on my mirror every day, to remind me not to just trudge through life but to enjoy it. Here's to joy.