The Power of the Temple against Social Anxiety

I hope you all survived the holidays...you know what I mean, socializing, parties, and more parties. Did I mention parties?
"I want to stop by and drop off a gift for you"
"Are you coming to the work party?"
"Are you coming to the ward party?"
"Are you coming to the relief society party?"
No, no, no and no.

Luckily I made it through and hope you did too!

Before I jump into how the temple has helped me with my social anxiety, I just want to say to all my readers, whether reading for yourselves or to help you understand the ones you love, that I thank you for your heart-felt comments. It warms my heart to know that by sharing my story I have helped someone else and I'm grateful for you and want you to know I have a special place in my heart for my readers and have such hopes for your success to conquer social anxiety and be happy.

With that said, let me share with you something huge I found that helped me rise above my fears and constant cycle of struggling to go to church: Going to the temple.

Now before you revolt and say, "Go to the temple? Are you kidding me I can barely get myself to church!" Please stay with me because believe me, I GET IT! You don't even want to know how hard it was for me to go to the temple in the first place.

A couple of months ago, I felt like my husband and I should go to the temple (evidently I was not in one of my weaker SA states). We committed on a day to go and I was totally gung-ho about it. I knew it was something we should have been doing consistently, but I'll admit, it also was a big source of anxiety for me that I tried just to block out.

Do to the sacred nature of the temple, I won't go into details, but participating in the ordinances there means you are actively involved and participating and therefore, exposing yourself to possible episodes of anxiety because you are out participating and not sitting at home.

I was all set to go. As the day grew closer I began giving myself pep talks. And then the day came. But as my husband began to get dressed in his Sunday best, it all went downhill. I had a major melt down and told him I didn't think I could go.

Luckily, my husband is as sweet and kind as they come, and said we didn't have to go if it was making me feel this anxious. Inside the battle raged. I knew I needed to go and I had to put my faith in Heavenly Father that if I did this good thing that He would help me get through it.

So we went. And He did.


Excerpt from Come to the Temple (an official church publication):

The temple endowment ordinances enrich in three ways: (a) The one receiving the ordinance is given power from God. “Recipients are endowed with power from on high.” (b) A recipient is also endowed with information and knowledge. “They receive an education relative to the Lord’s purposes and plans.”  (c) When sealed at the altar a person is the recipient of glorious blessings, powers, and honors as part of his or her endowment.

We have been taught that we can receive power from on high if we attend the temple, and if anyone needed power, I did. Power to overcome. Power to persevere. Power not to be afraid. And I received it.

By attending the temple I was reminded why I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was reminded about the love of the gospel. I was reminded why I live the way I live and commit to the things I do. I was reminded about all the good and beautiful things about this church of which I am part. I was reminded about my commitments, covenants and promises and the blessings I am promised if I keep them. And I felt good.

And the next day was Sunday. And as if by magic, I didn't have ANY thoughts of not going to church. What?? I know, believe me, I was just as surprised as you are. I felt powerful. I felt connected and committed in a way I hadn't in a very long time. Thoughts of not going to church were non-existent and I went to church and felt myself begin to get stronger.

And not only do I believe that going to the temple helped me see going to church in a whole different light and take the struggle with going/not-going away, it also helped me in other areas of my life like going to work. Meetings didn't seem as anxiety-producing. Other situations that would have made me want to run and hide didn't affect me as much. I had received the promised power and I couldn't deny it.

As with anything that is connected to receive power, one must continue to "conduct" by going to the temple. In time I've noticed that doubts have begun to creep in again and not going to church once again "becomes an option". I know it's time to go back to the temple and to keep going so my power doesn't have time to fade.

It's miraculous. I hope you find the strength to go to the temple, despite how anxious you might be about it because you will receive power, as is promised. And the wonderful thing about going is that you are not only helping yourself, but others who can't do the work for themselves. It doesn't get better than that!

"So come to the temple - come and claim your blessings." Come to the Temple, Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, (2002), 1–37

The place In-between

First, I want to say thank you to all of you who have left encouraging comments. Even I feel alone at times, just like you do, so it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone either. :)

Back in June, one of you left a very kind, heartfelt comment, but deleted it (I'm not sure why). I kept it because it is what helped me to push forward out of the social anxiety relapse I was in.

Here is what she said, because it might offer you just what you need too:

"Heavenly Father loves you so much! He - as well as the Savior - know the thoughts and intents of your heart. The Atonement covers not only the price of repented sin, but also every single pain and heartache imaginable. This helps me so much when I have my SA attacks - to know that there is One who understands me completely, and loves me completely. When I have my days of suffocating SA, where I hate hate hate going to church and having to put on a plastic smile for several hours, and when I come home later and rehash all my imagined social gaffes with my husband, I remind myself that I am not alone. When I feel the discomfort of being in awkward social situations, so much that it causes me physical symptoms, I remind myself that the Savior has suffered everything EVERYTHING so that He can help me too. And when people are quick to judge my character (no, I am not stuck up! Just incredibly, painfully socially fearful), I know that the Savior has felt that hurt, too. I hope that that knowledge helps you, also. 

You may have suffered a relapse, but I have encouraging words for you, ones that have helped me when I have struggled. A LAPSE is falling off the wagon. A RELAPSE is falling off the wagon after getting on again. A COLLAPSE is giving up completely. We all have lapses. And yes, every now and again, we all have relapses. 

But we don't have to make them collapses. :) Even if I suffer a series of relapses of my SA behavior the rest of my life, I will try my best not to collapse. And even if I do collapse, there is always hope. This gospel is one of progression, and the Lord sees us not where we were, but where we are going." 

That encouragement and positive message helped me push through my negativity and get myself to church that next Sunday. I just decided that I needed to commit myself to going and let it become a habit, if that's what needed to happen first, before I felt happy about being there.

It still hasn't been all roses. There have been Sundays I still let my fear get the better of me and I don't go to church. There have been times in class I've been asked to read aloud or go around the room to share and the fear takes its hold and I either talk myself down off the ledge and get through it, or make a fast exit. I do what I can do. And that's how I'm making it.

I've had to redefine who I am, a little bit. I used to be the person who did everything they were asked. I tried not to let anyone down. If a calling was extended, I took it. If an assignment was given, I accepted it. If a volunteer was needed, I offered.

I have come to a point in my life where I recognize my limits and if something's too much, I say no. I know I let people down, and I'm becoming one of those people that can't always be counted on and that makes me really uncomfortable, being a perfectionist and all, but I'm trying to allow myself to be okay with it. And to know that there hopefully will be a day when I can make up for it - and accept more and do more and be more, but for now, this is where I am.

As I've thought about where my mind has been these last couple months, I wasn't quite sure how to define it. It's that place in-between denial and acceptance. What do you call it? Oblivion? I have been trying to block out the fact that I have social anxiety and just detach my brain from everything so I don't have to face it or worry about it. I guess you can call it going to "my happy place", where there is no fear and all is good. I have pushed myself through a few Sundays and home teaching visits that I wanted to run from, but once they were done I could mentally let my guard down and stay in my happy place for a while.

I have a few job related things coming up that just strangle me with fear, so I keep pushing it out of my head. I know it's coming, and the closer it gets, the farther away my happy place goes. I prefer oblivion to facing my real life fears, but I'm still reading Pres. Hinckley's inspiring quote on my mirror every day, to remind me not to just trudge through life but to enjoy it. Here's to joy.

Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed

Yesterday (Sunday, of course), was hard. I didn't want to go to church.

Saturday I found myself getting uptight again because I knew Sunday was the next day. I even joked with my husband about us taking a sabbatical and staying home...but of course he didn't fall for it. He's the obedient one who goes to church every week no matter what.

I'm so tired of this weekly cycle.

I hadn't prepared for my calling all week like I normally do, almost as if subconsciously to give myself a reason to get out of going. My insides were all angry and stomping, like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum, but in the end I knew I had to go. I had only hurt myself by not preparing. I couldn't bail on them again. It only made me feel worse when I did.

So I went.
And when I go with a blah attitude, that's what I get out of it.
The whole time I kept thinking how much I wanted to be at home and not there.
The speaker in sacrament meeting was monotone. She had a few moments, when she looked up from her paper, that she had something insightful to say, but other than that, I kept wondering when she would sit down.
Her husband was the same.

At one point during the meeting my husband reached over and squeezed my hand, smiled and scooted closer. He deserved a wife who would go to church with him, sit beside him, support him and stay true to the covenants we've made. It pained me to be there, but at least I was there with him, to sit beside him, even if sometimes I feel like I'm just playing a part. 

Next, on to Sunday School. I wanted to sit in the car, but I made myself go sit through class. The whole time I half listened/half zoned out. I wasn't going to participate because I didn't really want to be there anyway. Why was I being such a baby?!

Next, on to relief society.
It was okay. I got through it. A girl who I'm trying to avoid kept looking over at me from a few seats down, trying to get my attention, so I just ignored her on purpose. She had called earlier in the week and said she wanted to talk to me. She's been trying to push a friendship but she's not my type, so I've tried to keep my distance. I didn't want to talk to her. Stop looking at me.

Our lesson was on Of Regrets and Resolutions, by Presiden Uchtdorf. One section focused on Living up to our Potential. I wondered what God thought my potential was? Would I fall short because of social anxiety? Was social anxiety stopping me from accomplishing great things? Yes. I'd say for sure it was.

One quote from Pres. Uchtdorf caught me, when he said we can't live up to our full potential "with a dragging-our-feet, staring-at-our-watch, complaining-as-we-go approach to discipleship." 

Dang, that was so me right now. Hard truth. Especially today.

I finally made it through to the end of church and ran out to the car right after the prayer.
Get me the heck out of here.
It's finally over.
The girl who wanted to talk to me saw my husband and wondered where I'd disappeared? Bu bye.

When we got home, I fretted the rest of the day the home teachers would call or show up, since it was the last Sunday of the month. They never called, but it did ruin my peaceful Sunday afternoon worrying about it. Still two more days in the month. My worry isn't over yet.

Sigh.

Gordon B.Hinckley once said, “Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed.”

Right now I feel like I'm just enduring it.

Whether it's church, work, family, friends, whatever it is that involves people, I worry about the next thing, get through it, and worry about the next thing. Dread and worry. Worry and dread.  There's not much to be enjoyed about that.

I'll put this quote up on my bathroom mirror. And try harder to live it.
And maybe I'll begin to break the chains that hold me back from living my true potential.
One day at a time.

Day 2: trying to overcome social anxiety

Notice that today is Thursday and my first day returning to the social anxiety therapy series was Monday?

It's so easy NOT to find time to help ourselves.

-I meant to start the next CD Tuesday morning but had something come up.
-I meant to do it yesterday but my husband stayed home and I didn't have anywhere to listen and practice the therapy alone...so I just didn't do it.
-I meant to do it at night when I got home from work...but I didn't.
-I was close to not doing it today because of an early work schedule. But I won't.

Remember how Sunday was a "good" day for me? And how I said I almost didn't start the therapy series because I was fooled into thinking I was "cured"? Luckily I didn't let myself believe it because this week I've had a couple "bad" moments where I'm reminded I'm far from being over social anxiety.

The minute I find myself on-the-spot or even have the possibility of being the center of attention, (sadly now, even with my family) I find myself going into anxious mode and wanting to run. It's horrible. It's humiliating. It's shameful. I'm even dreading getting together with my family during the holidays for fear I'll seize up and completely weird out. It's reached another new low, if that's possible. It's got to stop.

Here's me doing the therapy CD. I'll be back to report.

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I completed the next part of the series on learning how to slow down my speech and therefore reduce anxiety and prevent my anxiety from escalating. I need to do the exercises for a week and move on to the next step. I have to make time for it. I have to move forward one step at a time and let this help me.

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Later today at work, I had to introduce myself to a group of people at a meeting with my manager. I had been anticipating this meeting. I had been dreading this meeting. For the last few days, every time I thought about it, I had to tell myself I would be okay and that it wouldn't be a big deal. I try to trick myself. Please, I know better than that. I fought the urge to call in sick. I'm really good at avoidance. But I made myself go.

There I was, sitting in a room with mostly strangers, waiting for the moment to come. It's like I have this 6th sense when I know something uncomfortable is coming or that my environment isn't "safe". And then suddenly the manager said he wanted us to go around and introduce ourselves. The dreaded introductions.

When it was my turn, I felt my face turn red and luckily my words came out right (after mentally preparing). If I had to say any more than that I would have been humiliated in front of my manager. He's never seen me freeze up before. Trying to hold a job while suffering from social anxiety is another post I'll definitely be writing.

This has been a hard week. I had an anxiety episode Wednesday night when someone from church stopped by. And the episode today. An ordinary situation for some. Crippling for me. It taints my week.

And yes, with this week's pitfalls and the fact that my family is coming into town this week, I canceled an appointment with my new visiting teachers for tomorrow. It's too much for me. It would push me over the edge. At least I can read myself well enough to know that and find relief in rescheduling...but we all know it only means I'm dreading their rescheduled visit for next week.

Oh what a life. A life of constant dreading about something. It's exhausting. That's why it's so much easier to stay home, away from everyone and everything.

Anyway, I'm trying to get away from my old way of thinking and concentrate on getting better. Every day is a challenge, but every new day can be a step in the right direction.

Social Anxiety: the tools that helped

So what happened to me after the day that changed me forever? That dreaded visiting teaching visit - a.k.a. the straw that broke my aching anxious back? As I look back now, I see that it was really just a matter of time before I reached my breaking point. A lifetime of social anxiety and fear. It had all been silently accumulating. Event after event. Day after day, year after year. Until I finally broke.

I was desperate to find something to help me. And I mean desperate. I needed a doctor, I needed drugs, I needed therapy. I needed help. I needed a miracle. I didn't even know where to start. Who would even understand what was going on in my head? How would I even find the words to explain? Would I ever be able to find help?

I called my insurance to see what mental health coverage I had. Mental illness? Is that what I had? It was a humiliating experience just calling and saying the words...p s y c h i a t r i s t. I felt so small. But I knew I had to keep barreling through or I could never find help.

I began searching online. Googling social anxiety. Reading everything I could find. Reading about medications and therapy approaches. Reading other people's experiences. I bought books and workbooks to "work out" my issues. Nothing really stuck with me...until I read a book by a very unlikely source. A reality show contestant on the Bachelorette. You're kidding right? No, I'm not.

This book completely resonated with me. It was as if I were reading my own story. I downloaded the ebook from the library and read it non-stop the entire day, and into the night. It was all consuming. It was freeing me. I had never read someone else's words that matched what I felt. The unrealistic fears, the unrational behavior, the longing to be normal, the desperation to find a way out. The book: Fear is No Longer My Reality by Jamie Blyth, a contestant on the Bachelorette. Like I said, a very unlikely source, but one that brought a little glimmer of hope to my sad situation.

Okay, so can a reality show contestant's experience really "cure" me (no disrespect to Jamie Blyth)? No. But could it validate me and sustain me for a time? Absolutely. At least I now knew that there were other people out there who felt the same way I did.

So what came next? A $400.00 purchase. No, I don't mean a plane ticket to Hawaii (although yes, I would have liked to fly away and hide on a beach somewhere). I'm talking about an audio therapy series from the Social Anxiety Institute. This was a huge purchase for us, since we were newly married and struggling financially, but at this point I was willing to do just about anything to find relief from social anxiety. So I bought it.

Before I continue about the series, let me throw in something about medication. About this same time, as I mentioned in a previous post, my sister knew someone who could get me some samples of medication. To be honest, I don't even remember what it was. BUT what I can tell you, is that the only effect I recieved was a sexual side-effect (sorry, I know this may be uncomfortable to some). The inability to climax. Who wants that when you're a newlywed? Not me. So for that reason I stopped taking them. Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to drugs at all (well only the illicit ones). I have friends who use medications that have done wonders. For me, however, the side-effects weren't worth the toll. So I put my trust in the $400.00 therapy series.

I'd like to say the rest is history, but sadly, I'm just sad. I haven't finished the series yet and I've had it for 4 years. I know, pathetic. It's a great series. I found that I started to feel better after going through the first 2 CD's as I diligently practiced the outlined activities. If only I had continued. At that point in time we had a family emergency and everything in my life went upsidedown for a while, and when life resumed, I wasn't as diligent as I had been before. Maybe it was that I started feeling better so I put it away for a while...but before long, my social anxiety was back in full force.

This therapy series really is something you have to stick with and be committed to doing every day. That's why I am re-committing myself to doing the social anxiety therapy series and documenting my journey. I won't post the therapy sessions themselves, because that would be sharing something that's not mine to share, however, I just looked on their website and see that they've cut the cost dramatically right now - so go here if you want more information (I promise, I'm not a secret marketing agent for their institute). :) I just believe in it enough to tell others about it who are in my shoes.

Committing myself to beginning the program again may be tricky due to the upcoming holidays (since it requires a certain amount of time spent each day - alone in a quiet place) but I'll do my best because I'm committed to getting better (and I feel guilty for spending so much money on something I haven't finished!).

Here's to getting better!

P.S. Tonight was our ward Christmas party in a brand-new ward, or in other words, PURE TORTURE. Seriously. It is so incredibly hard to be a mormon woman with social anxiety! How I hate being new. It was so uncomfortable - it took EVERYTHING I had inside of me not to run out. Oh the agony. My anxiety hit hard. The small talk. The awkward exchanges. The introductions. Dinner felt like it lasted a year. When we got home I ate everything in the kitchen. Twice. And then put my pj's on. I was mentally exhausted. It just proves how far I am from being "cured". It's time to get to work.