Exceeded my anxiety limit for the week

I'll put it out there.

I didn't go to church Sunday.
Reason: Exceeded weekly anxiety limit

Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel emotionally depleted and if you have one more social encounter, you might snap? That's me right now. Last week was one of those weeks.

Each anxiety producing situation I go through doesn't build me up for the next one, it slowly chips away at my reserves, until they're empty.

In addition to the new level of social interaction I'm expected to do at work, I also had a big church meeting last week where I was in charge of something (i.e. all eyes on me).

The church meeting was the most stressful and topped the charts on my anxiety meter. I had to excuse myself from the group a couple of times and go to the bathroom, all the while telling myself over and over again to pull it together, that I would be fine.

Back in the meeting, I tried to assess over and over again whether I had reached the safe zone where they wouldn't call on me again...or would all eyes suddenly turn on me? This anticipation and worry all but shot my nerves through the roof. I thought I was going to crack. Despite feeling nauseous a few times, I got through it, but at the end I was running on fumes.

To round off the week we had a big family gathering the next day. Social gatherings, period, deplete me. Even around my family. No matter who I'm with, I still don't like to be the center of attention and at big family events there is a lot of interaction and talking and sharing. Some days it's not a big deal, but other times (especially after a major social-anxiety-producing-event like the day before) it's too much. I felt like I was still trying to coax myself down from the ceiling and was not ready to jump into social mode again. But it was time, nonetheless.

Flash forward to Sunday.
Images of smiles, hellos, my calling, awkward breaks between classes, sitting through relief society, new home teachers after church...I just couldn't do it. I needed a break so I could breathe. So I took one.

I always feel bad when I reach this point because the look on my husband's face is always one of mixed understanding and disappointment. His dad never went to church and I know that was hard for him. I don't want to disappoint him in the same way. I do try to go as many Sundays in a row as I can, but sometimes I need a breather.

I've been reading one of my "favorite" social anxiety books again (if you can really call it that). Fear is No Longer my Reality, by Jamie Blyth. Like I said several years ago when I first read it, it is like I'm reading my own story. His experiences mirror my own in a way that gives me comfort and hope, to know I'm not alone, and that someone out there totally gets it.

Here is an excerpt that describes his dreaded experience going to a friend's house for dinner:

The Cheffs are an Italian family that treats people with warmth and respect and always forces a good meal on you. Boy, could they cook. So when they insisted I come over for dinner and my stories and excuses fizzled, I trudged those hundred yards slowly, knowing this was going to be different from all those other dinners. It would have been less insulting if I shaved their dog bald than if I turned down a meal from them.

I didn't notice the stars or the moon or the snow covering the earth. My mind focused on one thing: fear. They greeted me with hugs and kisses and kindness, taking my coat and immediately offering me cookies and coffee. I produced a big fake smile and said it was good to see them.

"You look great!" Dr. Cheff said. "Miami must be treating you well...but I bet they don't make pasta there like we do."

The hollow laugh came out forced. Thirty seconds down. I tried not to stare at the clock to figure out how long I'd have to make it before dinner would be over.

We sat around the table and I quickly became the center of attention. I hadn't been to a dinner table aside from my family's in months. In fact, I had quit eating in public altogether at college, always taking meals back to my room.

I found myself squirming in my chair, coughing, gasping to form words. Everyone was looking at me. They could see how crazed I felt on the inside!

"I'm not going to make it. I've gotta get the heck out of here," I thought. "There's no escape! I'm going to be here at least another hour. I can't hold up."

I was right...I couldn't. The panic attack came on at full force. My old friend Dr. Cheff now intimidated me. It was as if his eyes burned right into me and could see all the weakness inside. I never noticed his intense stare before; his eye contact now made me physically uncomfortable. It seemed that the more calm and poised the people around me were, the more uncomfortable I became - the contrast between them and me just added to my anxiety. Dr. Cheff was the model of composure.

"Make an excuse," I thought. "Get our of here."

"Come on, Jamie," Dr. Cheff said. "Tell us one of your good stories. What's been going on at school?"

"I just study a lot," I said.

"I've always told you this. Once you put your mind to something, there is nothing that stops you."

He was reaching out to me, trying to praise me and build me up, but I could think of nothing but how pathetic I was. The more I tried to get hold of myself, the more unraveled I became. My face went red-hot. My eyes darted spastically around the room as I tried hard to slam the brakes on my panic. Certainly, they could hear my voice shaking and cracking as words tumbled out.

I didn't know what would come out of my mouth next, and I had already developed a stutter and slur to my speech that would last for a few years. The more self-conscious I was about how my voice sounded, the more choked up I became, and words just refused to come out naturally anymore. I had to force them out one by one, calculated, and they somehow got mangled between my throat and my mouth.

My heart shattered as I had to escape from this loving family who just wanted to see the Jamie they knew - the laughing kid on the back of Joe's sled. I just wasn't him anymore, and I didn't have the strength to pretend that I was.

I told them I wasn't feeling well and that I had to go. On the way home, I didn't even notice the bone-chilling winter air. I was scared of what I had become and how far I had fallen. Was there any way to climb back up from here? Back in my room, I disappeared in my bed, once again finding comfort in the darkness.
                           -pg. 55-58 Fear is No Longer my Reality, Jamie Blyth

This book was just what I needed when I found it, and still gives me comfort today. Who else better understands what you're going through, than someone who's gone through it themselves? Look for it in your local library and check it out. Believe me. He gets it. You'll feel better.

So the weekend is over and the week has begun.
Wishing all of us a good week with low anxiety. :)

Introversion : Extroversion : Shyness and Social Anxiety

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be an introvert, especially after a few large client gatherings where I had to interact like I was an extrovert. And yes, my head almost exploded.

Did you know being introverted or extroverted isn't just about being shy or outgoing? It's actually about where we get our energy; what builds us up and what depleats us.

It makes perfect sense, since for me (the introvert) social gatherings suck the life right out of me, but my sister, on the other hand (ms. extrovert), loves to be the life of the partay baby!

Here are a few quick definitions:

EXTROVERT - those who "seek outside themselves" for gratification; feel energized being around people, and find it less rewarding, even boring, to spend time alone.

Characteristics: social butterfly, enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious; energized by large social events involving a lot of people.


INTROVERT- those who "seek inward" for gratification, concerned for their own mental well-being; their energy expands through quiet reflection and is depleted during interaction. They become easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and interaction, and often show a preference for a quiet environment with little stimulation.

Characteristics: more reserved and more quiet in groups, preferring to observe and take time to think before speaking. They enjoy solitary activities like art work, computers, writing, reading, and hiking. An introvert enjoys alone time and find less enjoyment spending time with large groups of people, though may enjoy interacting with close friends.


Is why you are the way you are starting to make sense? The definition of Introvert is SO ME, I was surprised not to find my picture next to it in the dictionary.

Okay, now lets look at the difference between being shy and being introverted. When I found this definition, I slapped my head like I could have had a V8. It made perfect sense.


SHYNESS VERSUS INTROVERSION
Being introverted is not the same as being shy or socially inept. Introverts prefer solitary activities over social ones, whereas shy people (who may actually be extroverts at heart) avoid social encounters out of fear.

Ah, the fear factor. I so get that part. So when does fear go past shyness and become social anxiety?


SHYNESS VERSUS SOCIAL ANXIETY
Shyness: being reserved, timid, nervous or uncomfortable about meeting and talking to people, showing nervousness or timidity in the company of others; tending to avoid something because of nervousness, fear, dislike, etc.

Social Anxiety: Beyond shyness, social anxiety is an intense, irrational, and persistent fear of interaction and socialization with other people brought on by feelings of being scrutinized, judged or negatively evaluated by other people. Those with social anxiety often avoid social events or interactions, overwhelmed even months before a social event occurs. Social anxiety brings on symptoms such as shaking, sweating, blushing, rapid heart rate, dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea.

***If a person usually becomes (irrationally) anxious in social situations, but seems better when they are alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem. - Social Anxiety Institute


Example of shyness vs social anxiety:

"Many people are a little bit shy. If you're shy, you might be somewhat uncomfortable in situations such as going to a party where you don't know anyone, but you do it. You give yourself a push, you go to the party, after a while you relax and talk to people," says Rudolf Hoehn-Saric, MD, who heads the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. "The social phobic person, at the prospect of the same party, would be overwhelmed by such anxiety that [he or she] would have a physical reaction -- perhaps nausea, sweating, heart racing, dizziness -- and would avoid it if at all possible. It's a matter of degree."  In other words, being shy can complicate your life. Having social phobia can stop it in its tracks. " - WebMD

I don't know why, but as I researched and reflected about what all of this means, it made me feel better somehow about who I am and what I'm struggling with. It's okay to be an introvert. I love it here. It's cozy in my world. The real challenge is the outside world with all of its "extroverted things" I have to deal with. I've always been on the shyer side, and even though shyness has catapulted into social anxiety, I'll figure out a way to live my life with the best balance I know how.

Back to the beginning. As I mentioned, the client meetings I've had the last couple weeks all but pushed me over the edge. As I forced my way through each smile, laugh and conversation with clients, I had to check myself to make sure I wasn't going to pass out and crumble to the ground. I was like a robot on high gear, my voice getting higher and higher and faster and faster, until the inevitable short-circuit and firey explosion. I had to get through it because of my job, but everything inside of me wanted to go outside to get some fresh air and never come back.

The energy I had expended in each of those meetings had left me completely empty. When I came home from each event I was so drained that I went straight to bed and slept like a rock. It's amazing what sleep or just alone time can do for the introverted-socially-anxious-soul once it's been over-stimulated. The next day I had the energy I needed to go forward once again.

And move forward I shall.
Hoping the best for you as well.