Hey there. I'm back. And of course, there's something stirring...because I'm back writing.
And you're the only ones I can tell.
We moved, like I said we were probably going to do. New ward = New deathwish.
For some strange reason, I had a different vision of what this "new start" would look like.
At first it looked like this:
- I would embrace our new ward.
- I wouldn't dread Sundays.
- I would look forward to meeting this new group of people and create and feel a sense of community.
- I would reach out and make friends.
- I would attend groups and activities.
- I would feel comfortable going to church.
- I would like going to church again.
-----BBBBBWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH (big nasty buzzer sound)-----
It's more like the dream started out that way the first 2 times we went to church and then it died.
R.I.P.
Now it's more like:
- About mid-week, I start thinking about whether or not I'm going to make myself go to church or not.
- And then sometimes we go.
- And sometimes we don't.
- And I tell myself that's okay, we'll go next week.
- And I dread the emails and potential calls I get about why we weren't there and who wants to come and visit.
Overload
The first 2 weeks I reached out and met some new people, while trying to act like a different person. Someone who was excited to be there, happy to meet new people and looking forward to being a part of the ward.
Since then, I've been a little in and out and haven't done much socializing. I'm starting to feel my anxiety build though, since within the past couple weeks I've been contacted by the Relief Society who really wants to come and visit me. I've gotten assigned to 3 visiting teachee's. Three! I can barely dare to think of 2. My visiting teachers have contacted me twice, and are very eager to visit. The bishop wants to meet with us. Luckily, we haven't been asked to speak yet, and haven't gotten Home Teachers, but I know it's coming.
I have yet to do any of it. Push me against a wall, and I pull on the magic rope that opens my secret escape trap door. Bu Bye.
I'm still hiding.
Not sure if I'll go to church Sunday or not, but I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and making it much more painful. It's all going to happen anyway. AAAAHHHH!! Oh the agony!
I hate this internal tug-of-war I have with myself every week. It makes me tired.
I hope you are all a little stronger than I'm being right now! If so, send me some of your armor! :)
