And then they start closing in

Church started 15 minutes ago.
...and I'm either blogging in the back row during sacrament meeting, or at home on my computer feeling guilty for not being there...you decide.

It's always the little things that get me on edge. I intended on going today, but the Relief Society is on the prowl, so I'm opting out.

Delusional? Paranoid? Probably a little of both (ha!) but after two calls from the RS (1st from the secretary last Saturday at 9:30pm - seriously?) and then again yesterday from the President, they're definitely not giving up. I guess the Pres had to take matters into her own hands since I didn't call the secretary back! Sorry, I'll stop grinning. It's such a crazy game of cat and mouse.

They want to visit me and talk to me about visiting teaching. Get in line. Get a number. Get a clue.

In case you're late to the party, in my last post I shared that I opted out from being a visiting teacher at the moment, tho I decided to try having them over for a non-traditional "walking-while-visiting-teaching" visit.

In a nutshell? If I'm being honest, it felt totally forced and awkward. The ladies meant well (don't they always?) but when they arrived, it was almost as if they were scared to enter the front door. It was like, "Ok, we're here! We're trying to act like this isn't weird! We won't bother you! We won't even come in! Let's go for our walk!" AAAAWWWWKKKKWWWWAAAARRRRDDDD

BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then the ironic thing? Neither one of them contacted me again all summer (not that I minded!), and one of them acted like she'd never seen me before when I said hi to her at church. You're dead to me.

I just got an email from the other one last week. Not sure I'll even write back.

WHATEVER!!!!

So now my poor husband had to go to church alone and I feel horrible. When I told him I wasn't going this morning, he was disappointed, but said he "understood" even though he really doesn't understand.

He tried to joke that I was afraid the RS Pres and secretary were going to corner me and I'd have to sneak out, and even though he was trying to lighten the mood, I finally told him I didn't want to talk about it anymore because all it was doing was making me feel bad and more stupid.

And when you say it all out loud? It sounds even more ridiculous than it does in your head. But the pain is real people!

It's the look on his face and the big sigh when I say I'm not going that cuts like a knife. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I didn't put him in this position. If wishes were fishes. I never really understood that saying.

So in order to avoid another Sunday catastrophe next week, I guess I will call the RS Pres back this week, to explain AGAIN that I'm not up for visiting teaching (such an uncomfortable conversation and why I have to keep having it I'll never know!) and while I'm at it, I might exnay on the visiting teachers. I mean come on, how many more awkward VT walks can a girl take?!

The push and pull

***I actually wrote this post two weeks ago, but due to a glitch it never posted... I'll be updating soon & P.S. I did go to church today. And survived. ;)***

---

Hey there. I'm back. And of course, there's something stirring...because I'm back writing.
And you're the only ones I can tell.

We moved, like I said we were probably going to do. New ward = New deathwish.
For some strange reason, I had a different vision of what this "new start" would look like.

At first it looked like this:

• I would embrace our new ward.
• I wouldn't dread Sundays.
• I would look forward to meeting this new group of people and create and feel a sense of community.
• I would reach out and make friends.
• I would attend groups and activities.
• I would feel comfortable going to church.
• I would like going to church again.

-----BBBBBWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH (big nasty buzzer sound)-----

It's more like the dream started out that way the first 2 times we went to church and then it died.
R.I.P.

Now it's more like:

• About mid-week, I start thinking about whether or not I'm going to make myself go to church or not.
• And then sometimes we go.
• And sometimes we don't.
• And I tell myself that's okay, we'll go next week.
• And I dread the emails and potential calls I get about why we weren't there and who wants to come and visit.

Overload
The first 2 weeks I reached out and met some new people, while trying to act like a different person. Someone who was excited to be there, happy to meet new people and looking forward to being a part of the ward.

Since then, I've been a little in and out and haven't done much socializing. I'm starting to feel my anxiety build though, since within the past couple weeks I've been contacted by the Relief Society who really wants to come and visit me. I've gotten assigned to 3 visiting teachee's. Three! I can barely dare to think of 2. My visiting teachers have contacted me twice, and are very eager to visit. The bishop wants to meet with us. Luckily, we haven't been asked to speak yet, and haven't gotten Home Teachers, but I know it's coming.

I have yet to do any of it. Push me against a wall, and I pull on the magic rope that opens my secret escape trap door. Bu Bye.

I'm still hiding.
Not sure if I'll go to church Sunday or not, but I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and making it much more painful. It's all going to happen anyway. AAAAHHHH!! Oh the agony!
I hate this internal tug-of-war I have with myself every week. It makes me tired.

I hope you are all a little stronger than I'm being right now! If so, send me some of your armor! :)

My Offering: turning social anxiety into a gift

Today is Monday. So you know what yesterday was.

As I sat in sacrament meeting yesterday, I wondered if going to church was as painful for anyone else as it was for me? I had to be there. I needed to be there. So I was. But making myself go was exactly the right term to use. It wasn't because I liked it. I'd had 3 weeks of avoidance (I had been sick for 2 of the 3 weeks and took an extra Sunday off when my husband was sick. Of course I did). Painful as it was, it was time to return.

I don't mind Sacrament Meeting. I'm safe there. If you time it just right, no one has to talk to you before it starts, and it's clear sailing through the meeting...until it gets to the end.  At that point I know what's next and have to take a deep breath before I go on to phase 2. Sunday School.

Sunday School isn't bad, as long as the teacher doesn't randomly call on people. I try to feel comfortable in Sunday School, but I'm really not. Especially the waiting period. Oh the agony! The period of time between each class is enough to send me running to the car. Get on with it already!  I mean who needs 10-15 minutes in-between meetings? Just get in and get it started already! I call it  D e a d  A i r. A bunch of wasted time filled with flighty classroom chatter and nonsense until the meeting finally starts. It's the most uncomfortable part of each class for me. It's like being at an singles activity without any friends, except there's no snack table to eat your feelings.

But I made it through Sunday School.
Now on to phase 3.
Hang on, we're almost outa here!

I have a calling in Relief Society where I have to be in front of people. I dread it every single week. It makes it that much harder to be at church every Sunday, knowing it's coming.

As I prepared for my calling this past week, I also thought about Easter. It's just a week away. Easter always brings to mind the greatest of all gifts that has been given to us from our Savior. He gave His life for each of us. How does one show gratitude for such a gift? How could it ever be repaid?

And then it hit me. I do have a gift I can give my Savior, to show Him how grateful I am for all that He has done for me. And maybe it's only a gift that He and I understand, but it is a sincere gift, truly from the heart of me.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know how incredibly hard it is for me to go to church. They know how hard it is for me to do my calling. But as I continue to go to church anyway and continue to fulfill my calling anyway, despite my great difficulties, that can be my gift to the Lord. That can be My Offering. Even if it is the hardest thing I do every week, I will do it for them. Because I love them and owe them everything.

And as this was impressed upon my mind, it changed my perspective. It wasn't just about me anymore, it was about them. And I would be willing to do it for them, no matter how difficult it was for me.

Survived another Sunday with social anxiety

As you can see, I lived to tell about today's church, home teaching and tithing settlement activities.
Just thought you should know.

Church was fine. I'm always hoping no one will talk to me. Saying hi is fine, a word or two is fine, but please don't stop me in the hall for a chat. Luckily, Primary saves me from being too available for that sort of thing. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I'm hiding in Primary. It's a safe haven. Since it's all about the kids, teachers are never asked to contribute. They're hardly ever called on or put on the spot. And I'm more than fine with that. I'll sign on for a lifetime Primary calling, thank you very much.

Anyway, I tried to push thoughts of home teachers and tithing settlement out of my mind all day. But of course once we got home it was all about looking at the clock to see how many minutes until they get here...tick, tock, tick, tock...and figuring out anxiety reducing seating arrangements and optimal anxiety reducing lighting, etc., etc. (We socially anxious are very high maintenance you know) haha! Luckily my husband is very understanding and lets me do whatever ritual I need to do. And although I never expressed the anxious thoughts and dread I had been feeling over the home teachers coming over or the tithing settlement meeting, he was lucky I was there at all, right?!

Moving on. The home teachers ended up being late. Ha! Isn't that always the way? As I watched the clock and mentally bit my nails, I wanted to scream,"This is why I hate home teachers!" but I didn't. I just smiled and said maybe we'd been forgotten. Which was actually my backwards wish that I instantly took back because I knew it would mean holding on to the dread another week. No thanks. But they ended up coming late.

And shocker of a lifetime, due to their schedules, they could only stay about 15 minutes. I'll take that any day. I did experience a few moments of anxiety. They asked us questions and suddenly I felt heat shoot across my face. I wondered if they could tell. I thought, "oh, no, here I go again." Somehow I spoke through it. Maybe it was the false sense of security from the "optimal anxiety reduced lighting" ha, ha. It hit me a couple times over a 15 minute period but I had to push through it, even though as I spoke I wondered if they could see the anxiety all over my face.

I survived. Next came tithing settlement.

Luckily, there was no one else waiting in the foyer when we arrived. That's another fear of mine (what does that make it? #3,683?) that we'll be trapped into socializing as we wait for our appointment with the Bishop. To my relief, we went right in. And the Bishop, as always, was very kind and really cares about the members of our ward. I kept my answers short and positive. Kind of like when you say what they want to hear, but mean it? Luckily he didn't bring anything up and we didn't offer. I'm guessing he has heard from the RS pres that I'm having a rough time, of sorts, and may know of our situation with not being able to have kids, but I wasn't going to bring it up and I was very thankful he was sensitive enough not to bring it up either.

So for now, home teaching is done for another month.
Tithing settlement is done for another year.
Church is over for another week.
But who am I kidding, as soon as I take a deep breath, it's time to brace myself to do it all over again.