Hey there. I'm back. And of course, there's something stirring...because I'm back writing.
And you're the only ones I can tell.
We moved, like I said we were probably going to do. New ward = New deathwish.
For some strange reason, I had a different vision of what this "new start" would look like.
At first it looked like this:
- I would embrace our new ward.
- I wouldn't dread Sundays.
- I would look forward to meeting this new group of people and create and feel a sense of community.
- I would reach out and make friends.
- I would attend groups and activities.
- I would feel comfortable going to church.
- I would like going to church again.
-----BBBBBWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH (big nasty buzzer sound)-----
It's more like the dream started out that way the first 2 times we went to church and then it died.
R.I.P.
Now it's more like:
- About mid-week, I start thinking about whether or not I'm going to make myself go to church or not.
- And then sometimes we go.
- And sometimes we don't.
- And I tell myself that's okay, we'll go next week.
- And I dread the emails and potential calls I get about why we weren't there and who wants to come and visit.
Overload
The first 2 weeks I reached out and met some new people, while trying to act like a different person. Someone who was excited to be there, happy to meet new people and looking forward to being a part of the ward.
Since then, I've been a little in and out and haven't done much socializing. I'm starting to feel my anxiety build though, since within the past couple weeks I've been contacted by the Relief Society who really wants to come and visit me. I've gotten assigned to 3 visiting teachee's. Three! I can barely dare to think of 2. My visiting teachers have contacted me twice, and are very eager to visit. The bishop wants to meet with us. Luckily, we haven't been asked to speak yet, and haven't gotten Home Teachers, but I know it's coming.
I have yet to do any of it. Push me against a wall, and I pull on the magic rope that opens my secret escape trap door. Bu Bye.
I'm still hiding.
Not sure if I'll go to church Sunday or not, but I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and making it much more painful. It's all going to happen anyway. AAAAHHHH!! Oh the agony!
I hate this internal tug-of-war I have with myself every week. It makes me tired.
I hope you are all a little stronger than I'm being right now! If so, send me some of your armor! :)
I'm so glad you're back! I haven't been too good lately about attending church for the 2nd and 3rd hours. Sacrament meeting is easier for me - as long as I come late. And as long as I have something in each hand, because I don't like shaking hands or socializing. I don't have a germ phobia, I just don't like to endure fluffy (and mentally painful) chitchat before I sit down. I desperately need to take the sacrament each week - and I need to feel that spiritual renewal - but the 2nd and 3rd hours are so hard for me. Sunday School is okay, but I don't like the unstructured free time between the transitions from sacrament to SS, then SS to RS. The free time before RS, and the beginning of RS, are torture for me. They take 20 minutes socializing, going over announcements, etc., and I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. So lately I've been hiding in the mother's lounge, or the foyer, or the bathroom, reading the Ensign. Sometimes I stay there the whole time, sometimes I come in at 30 mins past the hour, when I know the meat of the lesson is underway.
ReplyDeleteWhat is awful awful awful is that there are some new people in the ward, and I just know that I am giving off "unfriendly vibes" to them. I know that I do this to protect myself. I have introduced myself to them, but since I am in a small ward, there is pressure to also invite people over for dinner and to socialize. I'm just not up to the task. Both of these families have wonderful people - so it's sad that I'm already putting up a wall to create distance between us.
There is a wonderful book that I'd like to recommend to you: It's called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. It is WONDERFUL! and VALIDATING! Not every introvert has social anxiety, but I'm willing to guess that many (if not most) people with social anxiety are introverts. The book presents a positive perspective about the people that make up 1/3 of the population. It made me feel less of a freak, less abnormal. It made me feel valued for who I was. There is always room for improvement - absolutely. The Gospel is one of progression - of becoming more like the Savior. It seems that my progression is rife with these social experiences that I so dread, but I need to work through. With this book, however, I came to realize that I can love myself for being introverted - that I can accept myself - that I can forgive myself. That I don't need to apologize for who I am. But I CAN improve myself. If that makes sense.
HUGS
Thanks so much for leaving your note! I'm SO with you on the transition times between meetings. Pure torture!! Just get on with the lesson already and save me from this pain!
DeleteI'm excited to find the book you recommended! Validation helps so much to see that what is "normal" for us is also experienced by other people. I totally feel like I'm an introvert in a world with extrovert expectations. Thanks for the recommendation!
and p.s. even if Sacrament Mtg is all you can do right now, you're at least doing that and trying to do what you can. Hats off to you for that!! :)
I wish you would still post. I miss the help it would bring me to know that i wasn't alone through all of this. I hope things are going well for you.
ReplyDeleteHi - I'm still here!! I'm so sorry you are feeling alone right now. We're in this together. Always. I will try to write later today. As for now, I have to pick myself up and go to church, with fears and anxieties suppressed. If it weren't for my primary calling it would be much easier to "opt out". :) Sending happy, strengthening thoughts your way!!!
Delete