Panic, Anxiety and Claustrophobia: break the cycle with positive thinking

It's hard to explain what a panic attack feels like. 

For me, it's like a wave of some unknown power washing over me, flooding my mind and body with a darkness, a feeling that I'm going mad, losing my mind and losing total control of my psyche. At that moment I can literally feel that something bad is happening to me but I know I can't do anything about it. 

And then comes the heart pounding, I can't catch my breath, I feel lightheaded and I'm sure I'm going to pass out, throw up or suddenly collapse. The feeling that I have to get out of that place right now because I actually am having a heart attack and this is what it feels like to die.

Whew. That's a lot.

When claustrophobia moves in

For years I have had horrible dreams that I am trapped in a dark place and have no idea how I got there and because it is so deeply dark (can't see your hand in front of your face dark), I have no idea how I'm going to get out. 

Sometimes in my dreams I "awake" (again in the pitch black of night) on a platform way up in the air and if I happen to roll the wrong way, I know I'll drop to my death. Other times I "wake up" in a pitch black cave with no idea how I got there and how I will ever get out. And the worst? I "wake up" finding that I'm somehow trapped in a deep dark cave laying on my back under a gigantic boulder that is only about 2 inches above me and there's no way I'm getting out (i.e. cave coffin).

Wow. Are you sweating yet?
And yes, I wake up from those dreams in a complete fit of panic, sometimes calling out to my husband, sometimes choking, sometimes my heart is pounding and I can't catch my breath and I'm having a full blown panic attack. 

Now imagine those terrifying feelings while you're awake: 

Imagine these feelings of complete terror and panic coming on when you're in a small space, a room without windows, riding in an elevator, flying in an airplane, driving in a car, in a crowded room, being stuck in a wall of traffic or even in a long line of people in a slightly narrow space. 

The feeling of being trapped has taken over my psyche. It's not only in my dreams, it's in my every day activities, it's even in my conversations with other people.

These feelings of panic and being trapped like to hold hands with social anxiety

It doesn't make sense logically, but being trapped in social situations is also a trigger. When you're having a conversation with someone, you can't just walk away, you're "trapped" until it's socially acceptable to end the conversation and go. You can't just walk away mid-sentence, run out of the room, or turn red and hyperventilate or they'll think you're totally odd (bring on the fear of being judged).

This panic has invaded conversations with people (even in my family). Someone looking directly at me, talking fast, talking with intensity, needing me too much or they have popped my space bubble and are standing a little too close. All of these situations have sparked panic attacks.

How do you have a panic attack in front of someone and not look like you're going crazy? Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide! No way NOT to be judged.

How the power of thoughts can change your state of mind

Whatever your situation is, whether you have felt these same dreadful feelings of panic attacks and physical symptoms, claustrophobia, generalize anxiety where you feel that awful energy in your chest and worry all the time, or just in social situations, we all have the power to change our thoughts.

I know logically that all of these feelings and physical symptoms are a product of my thoughts. Thoughts and feelings I have pushed down each time I've felt them because they are down right terrifying and they spring back up in physical manifestations. I have always heard how powerful our thoughts are, but I have unwittingly unleashed their highest negative power in my life.

Knowing how powerful our thoughts can be, and that they have gotten me to this point in my life on the negative end of the spectrum, think of how powerful it would be to shift them the opposite direction, to peace and positivity? We are what we think. There is so much power in that statement. Will you use this power for good or evil against your very self? 

As a wise person recently told me, in response to my fearful quandry: "There's NO WAY I can talk myself into getting on the plane I am supposed to fly out of in a few weeks!", she replied "Yes, you can.You talked yourself into this state of mind, you can talk yourself out."

Ways you can start changing your thoughts and healing your anxiety today:

Positive Affirmations
This is a video I'm currently watching & reciting every morning:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mSJ4uKRBf0&feature=youtu.be

Counseling Podcasts 
This is a great counseling podcast I am currently listening to. It is very insightful and I highly recommend it:
https://www.theanxietycoachespodcast.com/

Follow people on social media who have a positive influential message:
I like this feed because she has struggled with anxiety and depression and found a way to turn her life to positivity despite her struggles and just "gets it". 
https://www.instagram.com/positivelypresent/

Her blog has insightful, personal posts too, especially this one on happiness versus positivity:
https://www.positivelypresent.com/2018/11/happiness-vs-positivity-whats-the-difference.html

Daily practice: 
There are so many ways you can help redirect your thoughts in a positive way and it takes work, but is worth it. It took me this many years to get to this place, it will take time to reprogram the way I think and feel.

Find things you can do every day to begin to heal, like those I've mentioned above, and focus on redirecting your thoughts every day.

Each time I think a fearful or negative thought I just let myself feel it, address it and move on with a more positive outlook or statement so I don't push down more negative/fearful thoughts that will crop up and get me when I least expect it.

I hope this has helped. I am working hard not to let anxiety and fear rule my life anymore. I will continue to share my journey with you. Please share if you have felt the same way!

Looking through a lens of fear

I just had an epiphany a few minutes ago as I was cheering myself on to go for a walk with someone tomorrow that I don't know that well.

It was like a lightbulb went off in the dark recesses of my mind.

For my entire life.
With everything I encounter.
Before I do it.
While I'm doing it.
And even after I've done it.

I live my life through a lens of fear.

For years.
For a lifetime.

My first instinct is a subconscious, automatic mental evaluation of every opportunity, every decision, every proposition, every situation and every person, through my Personal Fear Guage.

You want to go on a walk with me?
Ok, excuse me while I pull out my imaginary clipboard, complete with Fear Evaluation clasped to the front. It will just take a minute.

Pre-fear Evaluation:

Glasses on, pen cap off, clip board at the ready.
1) How much fear will this cause me?
2) Will I be able to handle that fear?
3) What could go wrong? How likely is it to happen?
4) Will I have an out?

Results: If fear threat is low, you can say yes, or just stick with maybe if that feels better at the moment and you can still cancel. If fear threat is high, trigger bright red flashing lights and booming sirens. It's a definite, non-negotiable NO.

Present Fear Evaluation:

If you checked 'yes' to the activity and you've actually gotten yourself there.
Self check-in
1) How are you feeling? Are you ok? Do you need some water?
2) Do you need to leave?
3) Any red flags, i.e. small confined spaces? Get-to-know-you-games? Group introductions? Chairs set up in circles? Round table discussions?
4) Are you still breathing normally?

Results: If fear is elevated in any area you are free to exit stage left, regardless of who might be watching, who might be offended or who might think you're just plain cuckoo.

Post-Fear Evaluation:

Holy... whew! It's over. Breathe. You did it. You lived.
Post-Activity Self-feedback
1) How did I do?
2) How did I feel?
3) Did anything go wrong?
4) Did I act stupid?
5) Did I act like I felt uncomfortable?

Results: Obsess over 1-5


This walk I'm speaking of, taking place tomorrow, should really be no big deal. I was even the one who brought it up to her in the first place, several weeks ago, on a good day, as a way to catch up.  It's just casual, I told myself. And then she scheduled it and all of a sudden it got serious like an 'appointment to walk'. I don't do well with things other people tell me I have to do or appointments that loom over my head like storm clouds.

So this morning she texted me, still on for tomorrow?
Hmmmm… I let the text bubble bounce for a while, trying to decide how to respond, little did I know my Pre-Fear Mental Evaluation was already in process.

At the end of my subconscious eval, I was at a 'maybe'... heading to 'cancel', but knew I'd better sit on that before responding. So I had some head talk, Remember you wanted to take a walk in the sunshine and thought it would be a nice way to reach out to her? Take advantage of this opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy the rays and a little convo. It's not a big deal. So I said yes.

But evidently there was another part to my evaluation that I missed, like a doctor's office with those double-sided pages you didn't see. Even after the yes, my mind reviewed more detailed fearful possibilities, specific to the proposition at hand: Will it be awkward? What if we don't have anything to say? What if I have a panic attack and can't catch my breath while we're walking? What if this was all just a big mistake?

And so I'm trying to push it in the back of my mind, because it's tomorrow.
Could I still cancel? Yes.
Will I? Probably not.

But you see, I realized in this earth shifting moment, that this is what I do with EVERYTHING that is placed in front of me. And as my whole life flashed before me I went, Oh yeah, I totally do that. My mind has always automatically raced with all the negative possibilities. I don't remember ever FIRST thinking, Oh hey, that would be fun!

As we get to know ourselves better, I think we can begin to better evaluate our behavior and try to make changes.

Because of this little epiphany, I will consciously try not to go to the negative place first, and instead try to see it through a positive lens first. Who knows, it might make all the difference.

Can God take your Social Anxiety away? One LDS woman's perspective

I'm coming from a much better place than my last post. I actually just edited it and you can read it to see why.

I let myself fall the other day.
I took a leap off the side of a mountain to see if God would catch me.
And He did.

I have a new calling (aka a new assignment or role in our church congregation) to serve with the teenagers in our congregation. It was very intimidating for me to accept this role because it was unfamiliar and I knew it would mean a lot of social interaction.

With all new things I encounter, I push back a lot. My first response is often to say no before I even really understand what I'm being asked to do.

I felt a lot of push and pull within myself - I wanted to say no, but I knew somewhere deep inside I could and should say yes. How could I really put myself out there for these kids and adults I was going to be serving with if I was so protective, closed and afraid? How would I even be able to talk and interact with them without having an anxiety attack?

With God's quiet voice of encouragement leading me on, I said yes when they asked me to serve in this calling. But even after saying yes, in my heart, I resisted. It was like I had one foot in and the rest of my entire body out. I couldn't commit myself to being willing to open up and be vulnerable to whatever may come.

I knew I was resisting, I was fighting it, and I logically knew if I just gave in and trusted Heavenly Father, He would help me. But fear persisted instead of faith - how could I really know I could believe Him? If I let go of my fears (my blanket of protection) and put myself out there, I could completely humiliate myself and never be able to face these people again. I knew until I was ready to have faith, I wouldn't be able to open myself up and be ready to give, all that God knew I had to give.

So I jumped.
And I survived.
(applause!)

And not only did I survive, I actually feel better and more optimistic in my life than I have in a long time. The heaviness of fear and trying to protect myself with all my might has lessened and although I still have my major moments, I trust Heavenly Father in a new way than I ever have before because when I jumped, I felt Him catch me.

Do I still have social anxiety? Oh yes. And sometimes it's worse than others. And sometimes I have panic attacks that no one knows about and I have to excuse myself to catch my breath because I feel like I'm having a heart attack.

But the thing is, the night I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me let go of my resistance and to promise to help me if I put myself out there, like really promise, like for real promise, like "I'm going to jump off this cliff and I'm going to trust you to catch me" kind of promise, He did.

He didn't let me down. He did what He promised He would do. And I was more scared to go to that first meeting than I have been about anything in a while but I went and I could feel His presence with me. Instead of the blanket of fear I'd wrapped tightly around myself for so long, I felt Heavenly Father's love and reassurance around me and I knew that I could do anything.

And this is new for me, but having faith over fear is the best thing I've tried in years.