Do we have to choose courage over comfort to be happy? Brene Brown says yes

As I was sitting on my couch a couple days ago, the feeling washed over me at how happy and content I have felt for the last few months during the home stay of this pandemic.

Yes, I have had my ups and downs, times where I've cried when fear has overcome me, times when I have missed my family so deeply it hurt and times when feelings of desperation, for God to protect the ones I love, have been overwhelming. But as those waves have come and gone, the feelings that are left are of peace, happiness and contentment.

I love living my simple life. I am thriving with a simple existence. I feel joy every day instead of fear.  I have been living my best life through this pandemic. And I don't want it to end. Isn't that kind of joy and contentment what life is supposed to feel like?

When you have all that you need, when your family is safe, when you are wrapped up in the cocoon of your small life, in your small spaces, right in the center of the storm, life is calm. It's outside that circle where the wind blows the hardest. And I'm not sad I'm not out there anymore.

I joked with my husband that the hermits of the world, hunkered down in their homes without social contact, who everyone thinks, "Oh poor thing, they must be so sad and lonely..." are probably living their best lives!! Because I know I am!

I sat there and wondered, if I am this happy and this content, FINALLY, after all these years of suffering every day, worrying about who I might run into, who might stop by, who might ask me to do something hard, what is expected of me at church, at work, with family, and so on and so on and so on... why do these good feelings have to end when the home stay orders end? Why do I have to fit the life that everyone else thinks is "normal", when I finally feel the most normal and the most content I ever have in my life?!

All this time, I’ve spent trying to change myself.
I've been trying to make myself not feel anxiety when I'm around people in all capacities.
All this time, so much of my self-work has been about changing who I am to fit into society and to try to be more comfortable with everyone else.

But the truth is, I like who I am. I like my life small. I don’t like being in groups. I don't love being around people outside of my friends and family. And why can’t that just be ok? Why can't that be the way I choose to live?

If I were to live on a farm out in the middle of nowhere with only small chosen interactions I would be living my best life. I don’t need a lot of people around me to feel happy (other than the interactions with my husband, and family). I don’t want to keep fighting my natural instinct of introversion to try to become more of what I think I am supposed to be to fit in with what everyone else says is normal.

Church is so hard for me and if I could spend the rest of my life having church at home, that is exactly what I would choose. I don’t miss being with the people. It has been a huge relief not to be. I can still practice my religion at home, a place that has become a spiritual haven, and refuge since not being able to go to the church building. What I dread more is going back to the way things were - a life of being uncomfortable 95% of the time. No thank you.

And so I sat with this, and pondered there on the couch, content and optimistic at the prospects of a small and simple future. A future filled with the same contentment I felt right then and there. I felt relief. I felt so happy. Could it really be that simple? Was I really allowed to be this happy and content the rest of my life, living quietly and comfortably, without all the social pressures that had brought me so much suffering?

And then as if on que, The Call to Courage, by Brene' Brown, popped up in my friend's Instagram feed and I thought, hmm, maybe I'll watch that again.

With this newly formed mantra on living my best simple life, I was gung-ho for a future as a happy hermit and then Brene' Brown quickly burst my bubble...and it left me thinking if what she said was true, (and it was based on data), then living a comfortable social-anxiety-free life might not be an option for a happy life, after all.

Here is some of Brene' Brown's wisdom that stuck out to me (from the Netflix special, The Call to Courage):

• Vulnerability is defined as, "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure."

• “Vulnerability is not about winning, it’s not about losing, it's having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.”

• There is no courage without vulnerability.

• Give me an example of courage that did not require uncertainty, risk or emotional exposure. You can’t. There is no courage without vulnerability.

• How brave you are is directly related to how vulnerable you are willing to be.

• Vulnerability is hard and it’s scary and it feels dangerous but it’s not as hard, scary or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, "What if I would have shown up?"

• How many of you want more love, intimacy and joy in your life? You can’t have that if you don’t let yourself be seen. How can you let yourself be loved if you can’t be seen? Vulnerability is the path back to each other but we are so afraid to get on it.

• We can’t go it alone. We are neurobiologically hard-wired for connection with other people; in the absence of connection, love and belonging, there is always suffering. You can’t go it alone. If you could, I would’ve found a way by now as an introvert and someone who loves humanity but is so-so on people, I would’ve found a way.

•  “Vulnerability is the path back to each other, but we’re so afraid to get on it and we end up hurting each other a lot. “We want it so bad, but we’re so afraid to let ourselves be seen, and we’re so afraid to see people, but it’s the only way back.”

• You can’t engineer out the uncomfortable part of vulnerability. If it’s comfortable it’s not vulnerable.

• Fitting in versus belonging. They are opposites.  Belonging is belonging to yourself first, speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people.  True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are and that’s vulnerable. 

• We are terrified to feel joy. If we let ourselves feel joy, something will come along and rip it away from us and we will get sucker punched from pain, trauma and loss, so in the midst of great things we literally dress rehearse tragedy.

• Those who were really able to lean into joy, practiced gratitude.

• If you don’t allow yourself to feel vulnerable, we work out our own pain on other people because it's so much easier to cause pain than to feel pain.

• I will choose to live in the arena every morning. I say to myself, I will choose courage over comfort.

• "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity." 

Ok... so what are your thoughts?  Do you see how everything Brene' Brown just taught is in direct conflict with my newly found mantra, that hermits' lives rule?

When she says I will choose to put myself out there and choose courage over comfort, I think, that has been me every day for the last nearly 5 decades of life. I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing every day and it’s exhausting. Social anxiety doesn't just feel like choosing courage over comfort, it feels like we're giving up more than just comfort, I would call it choosing to suffer through with courage.

No, living like a hermit is not brave. Living like a hermit is not putting ourselves out there every day to be vulnerable. For those of us with social anxiety, putting ourselves out there really does match the definition of vulnerability. Wherever we go, whatever we do, it is filled with the fear of making ourselves vulnerable to other people. It is all about uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is all about being afraid to be seen.

But if we're not putting ourselves out there and, in turn, exposing our vulnerabilities to others, we also don't get the joy, love and fulfillment that can come from meaningful, safe connections with other people.

Being vulnerable and courageous is tiring. I wonder, is that what it means to endure to the end? I'm afraid that is what it means. What about, men are that they might have joy?

My calling has come "calling" again, if you know what I mean. I've been getting texts and emails for things I've been asked to do and keep up connections with certain people. Our bishop has had ward zoom chats for people who need connection, but I have never felt better in my life NOT connecting...

I feel the choke-hold of church again creeping back up on me. I don't know how to reconcile the feelings I have. I love home church and if ever given the choice, would never want to go back to regular church meetings again but it doesn't mean my testimony is wavering. My testimony, in fact, might be the strongest it's ever been with the time I've been able to set aside to read and study the Book of Mormon. I feel connected to it in a stronger way than I ever have. I have felt connected to Heavenly Father and the Savior in a stronger, personal way. I feel so good.

I don't want to go back to how life used to be. I was unhappy. I was stressed. I was worried. I was always anticipating the hard things coming up and thinking of excuses was draining and feeling guilty about all of it. All the things that made me so uncomfortable about life and about church have been softened and quieted with the stay home orders during this pandemic, and it has been such a relief.

The bottom line, is that we all want a life full of joy and happiness and what that looks like is different for each of us.

It's not out of selfishness that we choose to protect ourselves and stay more isolated, but it is out of necessity for our mental wellbeing.

Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He knows our limitations. I think He doesn't want to see us in so much fear of being vulnerable that it leaves us feeling sad and alone.  I think it's more about finding a balance where we push ourselves a little bit out of our comfort zones, to open ourselves up to the potential of love, belonging, joy, courage, and empathy, but not to a point that we are debilitated and it hurts us more than it helps us and instead of growth, it hinders our progression.

I have a feeling that if we ask Heavenly Father to help us find the courage to be vulnerable, and put ourselves out there every day, instead of living in the safe cocoon of isolation, to also ask Him to bless us with love, joy, fulfillment, creativity, or whatever we are in need of. He is waiting to bless us, but we can't reap the rewards if we're not willing to act.

In the case of social anxiety, "acting" is putting ourselves out into the world with all of our social fears, to be vulnerable, to be brave, to be seen, having the courage to show up when we can’t control the outcome.

And also to allow ourselves to lean into joy, despite the risks, and to live a life filled with gratitude (because living in gratitude is what Brene' Brown said is the secret to feeling and embracing joy). When we show up to our life and "enter the arena", while it exposes us to all our vulnerabilities, it also allows us to receive the benefits from such a risk. It requires us to do the uncomfortable things but those things can also bless the lives of other people.

So, while I still want a simpler life and will live by that mantra, it might not look like a hermit up in a cabin in the deep woods. I will not give up on my life. I will not give up on becoming the best version of myself. I will not give up on God, who I know has the power to help me when I need Him. I will continue to learn ways to overcome what scares me and continue to put myself out there so I don't live with regret, and that goes both ways.  If something is too hard, it will be ok to say no and if something is uncomfortable but manageable, I'll step out of my comfort zone and try.

 What will you do?

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Other titles I considered for this post:
Why Hermits might just be living their best life
A Hermit's life for me
How to live your best life with social anxiety

Social Anxiety after Social Distancing: The fear of re-entry

Hi! I hope you are doing well. It's April 7, 2020 and we are all still social distancing and honoring stay-home orders. It has been a strange and unsettling start to 2020 but I hope you are healthy and well and in a good place (as good as possible).

I just finished a video chat counseling session. At first I was reluctant, because I've never enjoyed seeing my face on the computer screen (eek!) but I have to tell you, I quite enjoyed it after the weirdness wore off about 3 minutes in.

Have you tried counseling for your social anxiety? I've mentioned before (I think) that I started to see a counselor when my social anxiety morphed beyond its boundaries into panic attacks.

It has been really helpful. Just having someone to talk to about my anxiety, and all that comes with it, including my past, family dynamics, unhealthy boundaries, self-judgement, the whole shebang, allows me to see it in a different way and focus on things that can help me in many areas of my life.

If you have social anxiety and haven't considered talking to a professional about it, now might be the time. If you're super uncomfortable meeting with someone in person (I am but it is something I can "tolerate the discomfort of" - not that we can meet with people in their offices right now anyway) you should try online counseling.

So why on earth am I talking about social anxiety during a time of social distancing? Because the truth is, there will be a time in the future where we will actually be living among each other again. There will be a time of re-entry. There will once again be times of socializing. Will we be ready? Will our crave for connection lessen our anxiety or will it be even harder due to our temporary social hibernation?

Well, I am here to say that I had a small taste of re-entry a couple days ago, and it was a hard reminder that, although I have been perfectly content while swaddled in the peace and comfort of my home, not having to socialize with anyone, my social anxiety is not gone. It's just taking a vacation right now.

I was taking a walk down my street, to get out of my house for a while and out into the sunshine, when a car drove slowly past and stopped and inside was a familiar smiling face, saying hi. It was a family from church. This woman is so nice - she's actually the same woman who invited us to eat at their house that day I turned her down and have felt like she felt bad about it ever since.

But there she was. And there I was. We were 6 feet apart but my social anxiety reeled me in as if we were standing side by side. As the discomfort merged us closer, I realized that just because I feel at peace in my socially desolate cocoon, out in the real world, nothing had changed. I was still me. And my social anxiety was still there. Dang it!

It didn't seem to matter that even though I actually missed the positive interactions and friendships from people at church, when I got in their physical presence, all bets were off.

So today's topic with my counselor, was one I knew I had to explore during this time of home stay so maybe I could re-emerge into society a stronger, braver, more evolved form of myself. Someone who had become more comfortable with discomfort so I could be more of the type of person I want to be instead of who I had been scolding myself for not being.

Insight from my counselor about how to work on social anxiety:

• Accept that you have social anxiety. Say, I have it. This is true for me. This is what I feel.
• Work on an increased awareness about what situations are harder for you.
• Write down a list of triggers and rate them by level of intensity so you can try to work on the ones that are "easiest" to try at first.
• Social Anxiety may always be something you struggle with, but ask yourself these 3 questions:
• 1) What do I want to be able to do after this is all over?" and
• 2) What do I not want to go back to? and work on those things. 
• 3) Even if I'm not totally comfortable doing certain things, what can I get better at feeling uncomfortable with and still do?

Is Social Anxiety about Low Self-esteem?

To me, social anxiety is about feelings of inadequacy...so I wondered if it also meant I had low self-esteem because outwardly I don't feel like I do. It's not that I don't like myself, I guess maybe I'm just afraid other people won't like me if they see the real me...but that's also not really on the forefront of my mind. Social Anxiety, for me, is about what's lurking in the recesses of my mind instead of what is in the front of my mind, if that makes sense.

She said Social Anxiety is about self-esteem, but also about self love and self compassion.  We can't stay in shame if we have empathy. Empathy has to come from ourselves and be applied to ourselves, not just granted to other people.  It's also very important to pay attention to, and write down, what you are saying to yourself every day, even if you're just thinking it in your own head.

What You Tell Yourself Matters

Our thoughts have such a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and as you write down what your automatic thoughts are, you'll likely start to see patterns. Watch what you tell yourself about your social anxiety. You are not your social anxiety. It is separate from you. It is separate from your worth and value. Making jokes about your anxiety, like, I know I'm so weird, still sends a message to your brain. What you tell yourself matters greatly.

As my counselor and I continued to talk, I told her how much energy it would take to stop and think about everything I say throughout a day. She acknowledged that it takes consistent, mindful practice and intention but doing so will help reshape the way you speak to yourself and what you think about yourself.

For example, I told her I had recently reconnected with someone I knew several years ago and how fun it was to get back in touch with them. But in the same breath, I said it scared me to reconnect because I was opening that door...that after this quarantine time, these same people will want to reconnect in person and, "I have to be comfortable with these people!"

She stopped me right there and asked me if I realized what I had just said? Instead of telling myself, "I have to be comfortable with these people," I should change it to say, "I want to be comfortable around these people." It totally has a different tone, doesn't it? Scolding versus intention.

Look at what you say to yourself and how you say it. Catch the old way of thinking and speaking and change it and replace it with a new message. Start your day with positive affirmations and investigate yourself without judgement. In time, with focus and intention, replacing the negatives with the positives, can incrementally make a difference.

Self compassion is key - no one improves because they were shamed into doing it.
Wow. This quote blew me out of the water. I shame myself all the time because of my struggles and it only makes me feel worse about myself.

All of this makes so much sense. It also takes a lot of energy. It also does make a difference.
And although I'm realizing social anxiety will probably always be something I struggle with, I'm going to work on helping it not to be as confining or devastating.

I wish you the best of luck with re-entry. I'm sure I'm not the only one with social anxiety who has really found peace in this season of rest. Do what you can and don't be too hard on yourself. We're all just doing out best! xo

Easing your anxiety during the Coronavirus

Hi friends,

This is a crazy time, isn't it? The uncertainty of everything concerning the Coronavirus is really unsettling and is causing major disruptions in our lives, and stirring up a lot of anxiety as well.

For those of us with social anxiety, the social distancing part isn't a problem for us. I know we can joke about it but I certainly don't mean it in an insensitive way. When you are a person who craves being protected from the judgement of other people, being required to stay away from people can actually bring a sense of relief. 

I realized today that, seriousness of this situation aside, we can rest assured that neither the Relief Society president, our ministering sisters, home teachers or bishopric members will just stop by unannounced. :) Whew!

But in all seriousness, we can actually take this time to connect with them from a distance - through texting or email and it will be perfectly acceptable. No socializing required. It can feel so much more comfortable from afar and we can still offer our sincere support. 

As a side note, I, myself, have enjoyed having church at home the last 2 weeks and have felt the spirit really strong in our home (as I have also heard from others). I try to look at it as a special time to connect with those living in our homes and bringing the spirit into our homes in a different but profound way.

I hope you are all doing well! 

For some of us, our anxiety goes beyond just the social part. I've shared with you that I started having panic attacks and a much broader range of daily anxiety that has greatly affected my life.

I have been seeing a counselor every couple of weeks and am still following the positive helps I mentioned in my last post and those under Helpful Resources. The podcast really helps a lot. She has such good practical and actionable recommendations. I highly recommend it.

I have also tried to incorporate more church related sources into my daily routine - right now I'm listening to Sis. Wendy Watson Nelson's book on CD: Covenant Keepers. I find it helpful to bring in as much positivity as I can, especially right now when there is a lot of negativity and worry swirling around.

It's important to get out of our heads when we feel our anxiety spinning. If you find yourself really worrying and obsessing about the Coronavirus, take a look at how much information you're taking in and re-evaluate it. Staying informed is important but an overabundance of information or focus on it may only lead to an increase in worry and anxiety without helping us at all. 

Focus on what you CAN do - like eating healthy, following the guidelines from the CDC and government and sticking to positive, healthy routines, etc. and then decide which reputable sources you'll follow and keep it to a minimum to stay informed. It's not necessary to keep reading about every detail and statistic about the Coronavirus or you may get overwhelmed with worry. 

Get outside. Exercise. Meditate. Listen to music. Sing. Dance. There are really so many things we can do to help break the cycle of worry. I recently discovered that something as simple as telling myself to "change the channel" in my head and imagining myself clicking the nob to another channel (like an old tv dial nob from one of the tv's I grew up with) really helps me break the cycle of negative or obsessive thinking. Nope. Program's over. It totally works for me.

How are you doing through all of this? I hope you are healthy and able to keep yourself in a positive place in your mind. Let me know how you're doing and if you have any helpful tips to share on how you're combating your stress and anxiety. As always, thinking of you and sending happy, healthy prayers your way!