I'm lonely - so leave me alone?

Sunday was difficult, being Father's Day.
If you've read my previous posts, you know my husband and I were not able to have kids. On days like this and Mother's Day, my already heaping scoop of social anxiety gets whipped cream and a cherry on top. Oh joy! I already feel awkward at church and now I can even feel MORE awkward!

I've already decided that next year we're not going to either Sunday.

Ironically, it was 1 week shy of a Sunday 5 years ago that I wrote this post pretty much summing up exactly how I was feeling again. My how time flies, but the same issues seem to stick around. Ugh.

I had already been on edge since last Sunday because my visiting teacher cornered me after sacrament meeting, asking which day I could see her. "Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday?" I caught on that her approach was much more focused instead of the generic, "when could we get together?" She had changed strategies. Good for her. She was hoping for better results. I stammered a bit about needing to check my calendar, and that I would let her know. I stewed about it all week and returned an email to her earlier this week saying I was trying to work out a few things with my schedule. (yah right). I've gone back and forth a million times about whether I should just let her come over or if I'd freak out and regret ever opening the door? Once it's open, it's not easily closed.

One of you left a comment about how you were just honest with your RS president about your anxiety and asked not to do vising teaching for a while. I know I'm just in denial, like everyone will just stop asking and disappear, but I really need to decide whether I have the guts to tell my RS to take me off the list. It's gutsy and takes courage. I did it in my last ward, but of course after the RS change of hands, the message got dropped somehow and I ended up back on the list! It's easier just to keep avoiding everyone, although it doesn't make anyone feel any better.

I fight between feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone. Hey, I like you! Wait, don't come over here! You seem so fun! Go away! I know what it's like to have good friends and to laugh til your stomach hurts and to feel totally validated by someone. I know how good friendship can feel and I ache for it to come back, but in the same breath I don't let anyone close enough lately to become that kind of friend.

I look around at people at church that seem like the coolest people, and think to myself, I would totally be their friend if I felt like I could be. It's like I'm watching the world from a glass bubble.

************************************THE NEXT DAY>>>>>>

I had somewhat of an epiphany last night after writing this post, although I hadn't finished it. The thought of feeling lonely, but pushing everyone away, kept going through my mind. Did I really want to feel this alone all the time?

Part of my feelings of loneliness were fueled by feeling bad about avoiding my visiting teachers and imagining a life full of void, but the tip of the iceberg was attending an event Saturday by myself and feeling like the last person on the planet without a friend. I'm not normally a depressed person, but seeing crowds of people with friends and family buzzing around them and happiness flowing, while being alone, was a hard pill to swallow. It felt gross.

Knowing I needed a pick-me-up, I turned back to this blog, of all places, and recalled a post I'd written on how addiction relapse is painfully similar to social anxiety relapse. After re-reading the 11 signs of addiction relapse, I knew that I was going down the same negative spiral that would get me nowhere but lonely and helpless. I felt pretty low at this point and thoughts of a lonely life and never going back to church were floating through my mind.

Then it was time to leave to get together with family to celebrate Father's Day. Being around my family is one of the best ways to be reminded how wonderful it feels to be around people who love you and just get you. It is the opposite of lonely. I felt like a real person again, not some timid little mouse hiding in the corner, afraid that someone will talk to her. I was myself. I was happy. And my attitude shifted. I was not going to let negative thinking lead me to a lonely, dark place. I needed to take action.

This morning I emailed my visiting teacher and told her that I am not "traditional" when it comes to visiting teaching and that I am not comfortable with sitting and chatting. I returned her invitation by asking her if she wanted to take a walk with me and we could get to know each other that way. I also told her that in the past, monthly emails are appreciated instead of visits. I laid it out in a way that I felt comfortable with and hope it is well-received.

I also emailed the visiting teaching coordinator and apologized for totally dropping the ball and asked her to re-assign my partner so she actually had someone to go with. I told her that due to some anxiety issues I'm having that I need to take a break for a while.

There. It's done. I'm going to give this woman a chance who will come and see me on Wednesday. I hope I'm still feeling as ambitious by then! Ha! I don't want to feel isolated and alone, so I will reach out in the way I feel comfortable, a little at a time.

If I survive, I'll let you know how it goes. ☺
Sending happy thoughts your way as well....xo