An LDS woman with social anxiety

I am an LDS woman living with social anxiety. It's almost funny in a distortedly-nightmarish kind of way that I was born into one of the most social churches on the earth. Me. Someone who would rather pretty much do anything else besides mingle with a group of people, meet one-on-one with someone or frankly share anything about myself.


The good, the bad and the ugly.
The good: I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I cannot deny the immense number of blessings I have received in my life and continue to receive daily. I continue to feel the spirit in my life and know that it's real. I crave and embrace the peace the gospel brings, that can come no other way. I am sealed to a wonderful man who I love and adore.


The bad...and downright ugly:
This is where the social anxiety comes in. I call it "The Fear". Because really, that's all it is. It's not the boogie man hiding in your closet or a stalker who can hurt you or a disease that can kill you, but it feels like that sometimes, doesn't it? Or maybe all the time. It is what I call quietly debilitating.


Unfortunately, in order to receive the blessings mentioned above, you have to be an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and do all that is required. Attend all your meetings, hold callings, participate in ward functions and serve. Yes, it feels like a lot to do sometimes, but the rewards are worth it. Aren't they? For those of us with social anxiety, unfortunately, the rewards come with a price. A rather painful one.


Here's my sad list of dreads: (remember, it's The Fear talking)
* I dread going to church. Every Sunday.
* I dread Relief Society.
* I dread visiting teachers.
* I dread being a visiting teacher.
* I dread home teachers.
* I dread meetings.
* I dread church socials.
* I dread callings, but fulfill them anyway while dreading them every day.
* I dread drop-ins from church members.
* I dread even the most remote thought that I might bear my testimony...so I don't let myself even think it.
* I dread giving talks in church, giving RS lessons or serving on committees.


Pretty much sums up everything doesn't it? Well, I'm sure I've forgotten something because The Fear really is all encompassing, but wow - it's a sad reality for me.


So here's my dilemma. I want the peace the gospel brings. So I make myself go to church every Sunday even though it nearly kills me. Every Sunday. The rest of the week it's the fear of what's next...visiting teachers, home teachers, meetings, socials...but if I don't go church and be an active member, I will not only feel guilty, I won't reap the blessings. The triple-edged sword - I feel such loss without it, such guilt for not going and such torture going. What's the answer?


Well, this blog doesn't have all the answers. This blog is about trying to find them. The Fear is draining. More than that, it's exhausting. It's old news. But it haunts me every day. I know I'm not alone. And neither are you.


Lets find some answers, or at least a safe place to share.