Day 2: trying to overcome social anxiety

Notice that today is Thursday and my first day returning to the social anxiety therapy series was Monday?

It's so easy NOT to find time to help ourselves.

-I meant to start the next CD Tuesday morning but had something come up.
-I meant to do it yesterday but my husband stayed home and I didn't have anywhere to listen and practice the therapy alone...so I just didn't do it.
-I meant to do it at night when I got home from work...but I didn't.
-I was close to not doing it today because of an early work schedule. But I won't.

Remember how Sunday was a "good" day for me? And how I said I almost didn't start the therapy series because I was fooled into thinking I was "cured"? Luckily I didn't let myself believe it because this week I've had a couple "bad" moments where I'm reminded I'm far from being over social anxiety.

The minute I find myself on-the-spot or even have the possibility of being the center of attention, (sadly now, even with my family) I find myself going into anxious mode and wanting to run. It's horrible. It's humiliating. It's shameful. I'm even dreading getting together with my family during the holidays for fear I'll seize up and completely weird out. It's reached another new low, if that's possible. It's got to stop.

Here's me doing the therapy CD. I'll be back to report.

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I completed the next part of the series on learning how to slow down my speech and therefore reduce anxiety and prevent my anxiety from escalating. I need to do the exercises for a week and move on to the next step. I have to make time for it. I have to move forward one step at a time and let this help me.

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Later today at work, I had to introduce myself to a group of people at a meeting with my manager. I had been anticipating this meeting. I had been dreading this meeting. For the last few days, every time I thought about it, I had to tell myself I would be okay and that it wouldn't be a big deal. I try to trick myself. Please, I know better than that. I fought the urge to call in sick. I'm really good at avoidance. But I made myself go.

There I was, sitting in a room with mostly strangers, waiting for the moment to come. It's like I have this 6th sense when I know something uncomfortable is coming or that my environment isn't "safe". And then suddenly the manager said he wanted us to go around and introduce ourselves. The dreaded introductions.

When it was my turn, I felt my face turn red and luckily my words came out right (after mentally preparing). If I had to say any more than that I would have been humiliated in front of my manager. He's never seen me freeze up before. Trying to hold a job while suffering from social anxiety is another post I'll definitely be writing.

This has been a hard week. I had an anxiety episode Wednesday night when someone from church stopped by. And the episode today. An ordinary situation for some. Crippling for me. It taints my week.

And yes, with this week's pitfalls and the fact that my family is coming into town this week, I canceled an appointment with my new visiting teachers for tomorrow. It's too much for me. It would push me over the edge. At least I can read myself well enough to know that and find relief in rescheduling...but we all know it only means I'm dreading their rescheduled visit for next week.

Oh what a life. A life of constant dreading about something. It's exhausting. That's why it's so much easier to stay home, away from everyone and everything.

Anyway, I'm trying to get away from my old way of thinking and concentrate on getting better. Every day is a challenge, but every new day can be a step in the right direction.