Social Anxiety: the tools that helped

So what happened to me after the day that changed me forever? That dreaded visiting teaching visit - a.k.a. the straw that broke my aching anxious back? As I look back now, I see that it was really just a matter of time before I reached my breaking point. A lifetime of social anxiety and fear. It had all been silently accumulating. Event after event. Day after day, year after year. Until I finally broke.

I was desperate to find something to help me. And I mean desperate. I needed a doctor, I needed drugs, I needed therapy. I needed help. I needed a miracle. I didn't even know where to start. Who would even understand what was going on in my head? How would I even find the words to explain? Would I ever be able to find help?

I called my insurance to see what mental health coverage I had. Mental illness? Is that what I had? It was a humiliating experience just calling and saying the words...p s y c h i a t r i s t. I felt so small. But I knew I had to keep barreling through or I could never find help.

I began searching online. Googling social anxiety. Reading everything I could find. Reading about medications and therapy approaches. Reading other people's experiences. I bought books and workbooks to "work out" my issues. Nothing really stuck with me...until I read a book by a very unlikely source. A reality show contestant on the Bachelorette. You're kidding right? No, I'm not.

This book completely resonated with me. It was as if I were reading my own story. I downloaded the ebook from the library and read it non-stop the entire day, and into the night. It was all consuming. It was freeing me. I had never read someone else's words that matched what I felt. The unrealistic fears, the unrational behavior, the longing to be normal, the desperation to find a way out. The book: Fear is No Longer My Reality by Jamie Blyth, a contestant on the Bachelorette. Like I said, a very unlikely source, but one that brought a little glimmer of hope to my sad situation.

Okay, so can a reality show contestant's experience really "cure" me (no disrespect to Jamie Blyth)? No. But could it validate me and sustain me for a time? Absolutely. At least I now knew that there were other people out there who felt the same way I did.

So what came next? A $400.00 purchase. No, I don't mean a plane ticket to Hawaii (although yes, I would have liked to fly away and hide on a beach somewhere). I'm talking about an audio therapy series from the Social Anxiety Institute. This was a huge purchase for us, since we were newly married and struggling financially, but at this point I was willing to do just about anything to find relief from social anxiety. So I bought it.

Before I continue about the series, let me throw in something about medication. About this same time, as I mentioned in a previous post, my sister knew someone who could get me some samples of medication. To be honest, I don't even remember what it was. BUT what I can tell you, is that the only effect I recieved was a sexual side-effect (sorry, I know this may be uncomfortable to some). The inability to climax. Who wants that when you're a newlywed? Not me. So for that reason I stopped taking them. Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to drugs at all (well only the illicit ones). I have friends who use medications that have done wonders. For me, however, the side-effects weren't worth the toll. So I put my trust in the $400.00 therapy series.

I'd like to say the rest is history, but sadly, I'm just sad. I haven't finished the series yet and I've had it for 4 years. I know, pathetic. It's a great series. I found that I started to feel better after going through the first 2 CD's as I diligently practiced the outlined activities. If only I had continued. At that point in time we had a family emergency and everything in my life went upsidedown for a while, and when life resumed, I wasn't as diligent as I had been before. Maybe it was that I started feeling better so I put it away for a while...but before long, my social anxiety was back in full force.

This therapy series really is something you have to stick with and be committed to doing every day. That's why I am re-committing myself to doing the social anxiety therapy series and documenting my journey. I won't post the therapy sessions themselves, because that would be sharing something that's not mine to share, however, I just looked on their website and see that they've cut the cost dramatically right now - so go here if you want more information (I promise, I'm not a secret marketing agent for their institute). :) I just believe in it enough to tell others about it who are in my shoes.

Committing myself to beginning the program again may be tricky due to the upcoming holidays (since it requires a certain amount of time spent each day - alone in a quiet place) but I'll do my best because I'm committed to getting better (and I feel guilty for spending so much money on something I haven't finished!).

Here's to getting better!

P.S. Tonight was our ward Christmas party in a brand-new ward, or in other words, PURE TORTURE. Seriously. It is so incredibly hard to be a mormon woman with social anxiety! How I hate being new. It was so uncomfortable - it took EVERYTHING I had inside of me not to run out. Oh the agony. My anxiety hit hard. The small talk. The awkward exchanges. The introductions. Dinner felt like it lasted a year. When we got home I ate everything in the kitchen. Twice. And then put my pj's on. I was mentally exhausted. It just proves how far I am from being "cured". It's time to get to work.