surviving a weekend away

This past weekend my husband and I spent the weekend out of town with my family.

This was my first time away from the security and structure of being able to do my therapy at home. And I'll admit, I began to panic.

The therapy exercises require a private place to read out loud every day. And I would soon be in a house surrounded by people with no way of having a moment of quiet time, let alone a place where I could read aloud something that would sound bizarre to an innocent bystander.

So in an effort to calm myself down and stay true to my commitment to therapy, I made a photo copy of my read aloud material to bring with me. With this effort, I hoped I would somehow find a quiet place to read over the therapy material, without missing a beat.

I have heard Dr. Richards say not to "freak out", for lack of a better phrase, if you can't do it every day. For one who is a little "all or nothing", however, the thought of breaking my pattern of daily therapy brought on major anxiety. If I had no way of doing it, would I fall off the wagon and never get back on? That was a real concern since I've fallen off the wagon before.

Well, I'm happy to say that even though I never had a chance to read the therapy this weekend, it's message was always in the back of my mind. Reassuring me and calming me. And even though I *tested myself once or twice (I'll explain more in a minute), this morning, back in the quiet of my own home, I resumed as though I'd never missed a beat. Whew! What a relief.

Okay, let me explain about *testing myself this weekend.

There have been times where, for whatever reason, a situation that would normally bring me anxiety, doesn't. And instead of just enjoying it, I sabotage it. I begin telling myself "What's wrong with you? You should feel nervous. This always makes you anxious. Are you sure you aren't starting to feel anxious? I think you are..." And then the nerves kick in because I called them back from the dead. Why? Because that's how my mind has worked for a lifetime. It's an old habit, an automatic pattern in my brain that I'm trying to break and my old habits are giving me some resistance. Because old habits don't like to change.

Did I pass my tests? About 90% of the time. I did have a little anxiety once or twice during a conversation, but I pushed through it. I felt good to at least be able to push through it, and that the episode wasn't debilitating.

And what that tells me, is that the therapy is working. It's kind of like diet and exercise. You may not see immediate results, but your body is gradually changing and one day when you least expect it, you'll see that your clothes no longer fit the same way and the scale has dropped. It's a good feeling to know that even though it's hard to see the gradual changes, I know I'm slowly turning in the right direction. By choosing to do the therapy each day, it is making an impact that will change my old thought habits and behavior patterns until one day it will be as if my social anxiety never existed at all...