Relapse: Help for social anxiety's downward spiral

Forgive my rambling today. I kind of went all over the map. The important thing through this process of self-reflection is that I ended up in a positive place. And that's what's important. Right?

Sunday, 6/9/2013

Right at this moment my husband is at church without me.

I couldn't bring myself to go, even though I am responsible for something at church today.
I feel so badly that he had to go alone.
I know I am disappointing him and the people I was supposed to help today.
I feel especially bad because I went though something difficult this past week and received a clear answer to prayer. I wanted to go to show the Lord how grateful I am, but I just couldn't.

I sat down and talked to my husband about how I feel and he was a good listener, although I know it's still hard for him to understand what in the world this feels like.

I likened how painful it is for me to go to church each week, to him touching a hot stove. You touch a hot stove and get burned - you learn quickly not to touch a stove at all.

I feel like I have regressed.
I know it is, in part, due to not having gone to church consistently for the last month. I've said before how much harder it is to return once I've been away. A word that instantly came to mind about what I was going through was RELAPSE.

Relapse is often associated with a drug and alcohol addiction, "an act or instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding; a recurrence of symptoms after a period of improvement." but I am living proof that it also applies to Social Anxiety.

Although referring to drug relapse, I was struck by this statement from Signs of Relapse,: A slip-up begins long before you actually use. The steps to a relapse are actually changes in attitudes, feelings and behaviors that gradually lead to the final step..." (Warning Signs of an Alcohol or Drug Relapse Recognizing the Steps Leading to a Relapse 2012)

For us, Negative Thinking is the fuel that fires social anxiety. The end result (not going to church or becoming completely isolated), is a slow process that begins with our changes in attitudes, feelings, behaviors and thoughts.

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11 Signs of Addiction Relapse found here
*these are the actual steps of Addition Relapse but as I read each of them with the perspective of social anxiety, they were strikingly similar  

 

Change in Attitude - You may begin to return to negative, unhealthy thinking.

Elevated Stress - You find yourself over-reacting and having exaggerated positive or negative feelings.

Reactivation of Denial - Trying to convince yourself that everything's okay when it's not. You may be scared or worried, but you dismiss those feelings and stop sharing those feelings with others.

Recurrence of Withdrawal Symptoms - Anxiety, depression, and sleeplessness can return during times of stress. They are dangerous because you may be tempted to self-medicate (or in my case, avoid)

Behavior Change - You may begin to change your healthy routine and practice avoidance.

Social Breakdown - You may begin feeling uncomfortable around others and making excuses not to socialize. You stop hanging around friends or you withdraw from family members. You stop going to support groups. You begin to isolate yourself.

Loss of Structure - You begin to abandon your healthy routine and begin focusing on one small part of life to the exclusion of everything else.

Loss of Judgment - You may feel overwhelmed for no apparent reason.

Loss of Control - You begin to actively cut off people who can help you. You may begin to believe there is no hope. You lose confidence in your ability to manage your life.

Loss of Options - You begin to limit your options. You stop attending all meetings. You may feel loneliness, frustration, anger, resentment and tension. You might feel helpless and desperate. You come to believe that unhealthy options are the only way out.

Relapse - You attempt controlled (social) "avoidance", but immediately feel shame and guilt. You withdraw further, affecting relationships, jobs, money, mental and physical health. You need help. {For those of us with Social Anxiety, relapse may range from not being able to go to church, work, or out with friends and family to becoming completely isolated.} 

Do you see the similarities behavior between a drug relapse and social anxiety relapse?

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HELP TO OVERCOME
The one thing I've read time and again is that social anxiety is fueled by negative thinking [see related posts here and here]. If we are to try to combat the downward spiral we may be on, it is by stopping our negative thoughts, one at a time, until they no longer chart the course we're on.

Step One: Stop Negative Thinking. Today.

From “Lesson 9: Purity of Thought,” The Latter-day Saint Woman: Basic Manual for Women

Our Thoughts Influence Our Actions. An idea can be powerful. First comes a thought, then an act. The act begins in the mind. We do what we think of doing. Whether we plan to do good or evil, the plan and the act begin in the mind.

The thought always precedes the act. - President David O. McKay 

If you can control your thoughts, you can overcome habits... If you can learn to master them, you will have a happy life... - Elder Boyd K. Packer

The Holy Ghost can help us control our thoughts. When we listen to His promptings, we can control our thoughts, words, and actions. We should pray for the help of the Holy Ghost.

The last quote about the Holy Ghost helping us to control our thoughts really struck me. I can't forget to include the Holy Ghost in my healing. He is the one who teaches truth. The truth of who we are, what our worth is, and how we can overcome our weaknesses.

My goal this week is to change my negative thinking about going to church and see how it helps me by next Sunday. Our thoughts influence our actions and are powerful motivators: for good or otherwise. Let's put it to the test!

The truth

The truth is, I only went to sacrament meeting today. 
We almost didn't go at all. I was even in my dress when my husband teased me about taking the day off. My eyes brightened. My mood lifted. Really? Can we really skip today? Oh please?? But no, he had to go for his calling. [Don't tease me like that. It's like taunting a ravenous lion with a plastic steak.] So we compromised and decided we'd at least go to sacrament meeting. (I'm such a bad influence)

I could have pulled it together and stayed for all the meetings, I mean I was already sitting in the pew for heaven sakes, and I knew I was just letting myself down by not staying, but the thought of being there for all of the drudgery was too much. At least I was going for sacrament meeting. It had been a while and I knew I needed to go.

The truth is, I had only gone to church two times last month. 
One week was a skip day, the other I was out of town. To be honest, it was nice to have a breather, but it's always so much harder to come back. I see today as taking a few baby steps by going to one meeting, even though I should have stayed for it all. I've just succeeded in making next week all the harder.

The truth is, I wish I was someone else sometimes.
Doesn't it seem easier to be someone else? I know it doesn't make sense because we all have our own set of problems to deal with (and many people have it much worse), but I wished I was someone else today.

I wished I was someone who loved coming to church. I longed to be comfortable there and to look around the room and see some of my best friends. I wished I could be one of the strong women who stood up and testified that she loved the Lord, loved our ward and loved coming to church. I wished I didn't feel so disconnected sitting in a room full of amazing people, while wishing I was safe on my couch at home. I wished I didn't worry about my home teachers approaching us for a visit and trying to avoid them every Sunday. I wish every Sunday I didn't count down the minutes until I could leave and check "going to church" off my list.

But there was more. As I looked out over the congregation, I saw happy husbands and wives with lively little children. I always imagined we would have lots of kids snuggled around us, surrounded by big bags of coloring books, crayons, sippy cups and tupperware filled with cheerios and fish crackers. I couldn't wait for the day I got to take my baby out of a meeting. What a great excuse! "I'm sorry, I can't come to relief society, I have to feed the baby".

But since we weren't able to have kids, not only will I never get to use that excuse (drat!), every Sunday, our empty bench is a painful reminder of our barren nest. Today, as I watched one of the beautiful mothers with the long chestnut hair, bounce her pink cheeked little girl out to the mother's room, I wished I was her.

And that is the truth for today.