I had just been thinking a day or two ago about this blog and how I hadn't written in a while and wondered whether it really mattered...and then I received a comment from someone this morning who was in need of some cheering. Sorry to have disappeared and thanks for your sincere comment.
I did make it to church today. If I didn't have a Primary calling I swear I could think up a million and one reasons not to go. I still feel so out of place at church. Like I'm just a body filling up a space in a chair. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I question whether I want to be there at all and ask myself the question, "What if I just. stopped. going?" Could I just "stop being Mormon for a year?" That may or may not have crossed my mind as I sat in the back chairs during sacrament meeting today. But lets not dwell on that.
People got up bearing their testimonies about how great having a "ward family" is and all the wonderful friendships they've made. I felt nothing. I may as well have been sitting in a crowd of strangers. A small part of me wished I felt the same way they did, and another part of me felt exhausted from wishing I felt the same way they did. How many YEARS have I been feeling this way?! Why am I torturing myself?!
Speaking of torture, my visiting teacher made eye contact with me for about .23 seconds but I acted like I didn't see her. I feel bad for her. She's a really nice lady. I just stopped responding to her emails. I decided to choose the better of two evils: I'd rather be a busy person who never responds to emails than one who has constant excuses as to why they can't ever come over.
Same goes for my visiting teaching companion. She wrote a few times asking when a good time was to get together and make visits. The end. I never wrote her back. I avoid her at church, but again, decided I'd rather be a person who just "never writes her back" than someone flakey who comes up with 100 strange excuses as to why I can't ever go visiting teaching with her. That should be the name of a book, 101 Creative Excuses to Avoid your Visiting Teachers. Someone would buy it and get a good laugh.
While we're on a roll, I've avoided the only time Home Teachers ever tried to come over. Check! And successfully declined 2 "opportunities" to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. It's not as easy as just never responding, but the last request actually came yesterday and I just said I wasn't able to, sorry and thanks for understanding. I did say maybe I could later in the summer, but let's be honest, I'll be out of the country when they ask again.
This social anxiety is a strange thing. For the past few months I had to go on a special diet, mainly eating real, whole foods, and avoiding anything processed. I don't know if it was all psychological (because I had lost some weight and started feeling better about myself), but I could have sworn I didn't feel as anxious. I even got through my sister's intensely social wedding, talking to strangers, long-time family friends and visiting family without freaking out. I felt like I was a different person for a while. And it felt amazing.
During my special diet, I found things written about food and anxiety, and how mental anxieties can be eliminated by what we eat. It made me wonder if I had curbed my anxieties by eliminating processed foods and eating only whole, real foods?? Hmmmmm.
Because, back on the flip side... I'm off that diet and have been eating anything I can get my hands on and have felt much more socially anxious again. The question remains, is the anxiety back because I don't feel as good about myself anymore because I'm eating like a pig or is it really due to eliminating processed foods from my diet?
Pass me the ice cream and we'll think about it.
But seriously, something to consider.
I keep trying to stay off processed foods again but every time I do one of them ends up in my mouth.
We'll see.
Social Anxiety is just hard.
I've decided I make a better Facebook friend than a real friend at the moment.
To my Facebook friends: I will smile and make funny comments to you online but when I see you I'll act totally weird.
To my co-workers: I may act normal during a work day, but if you see me off-hours, I'll act like I don't want you to talk to me while my face turns red as I stammer to try to get away. (this may or may not have happened Saturday when I was getting groceries).
To my oldest and dearest friends: You used to know me as a semi-normal person, but sorry, we'll catch up again when I'm out of my 30 year awkward phase.
To the people in my ward: Just pretend I'm not here. Kthxbye.
The only thing I can say to all of us who struggle with this demon day after day, and Sunday after Sunday, is to keep trudging forward.
*Keep working on the hard things.
*Keep trying to move forward every day, even if it's just one small thing.
*Try to focus on the things that went well, instead of the things that didn't go so well.
*Know your limitations, allow yourself to be where you are, and give yourself a break.
Heavenly Father knows you and knows your struggles. You will not be judged on why you weren't like someone else. You will be judged on how well you were yourself. xo
I know you're blogging mostly for LDS women, but as a man in the church I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Thanks for sharing, and hang in there. It's good to know I'm not alone in this, but my heart aches for anybody who is dealing with these emotions while trying to live the gospel.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for leaving your comment. I really appreciate you sharing from a man's perspective. Like you, I have empathy for anyone who is dealing with this because it is incredibly difficult. If you ever have more to share, I'd really like to hear what your experiences have been and if there are any specific difficulties you have dealt with. As a man in the church you have a lot expected of you as well (passing the sacrament, leading meetings, holding leadership callings, giving blessings, other priesthood responsibilities). I'm sure you are not the only man who has felt anxieties over these expectations. If you have a moment or even wish to share, please let me know. You can leave it as a comment and I'd like to share it in a future post. Thank you again for sharing. Wishing you well!!
DeleteI'm really glad you're back. I also struggle with VT. Three years ago I finally got the courage to let the RS pres know that I didn't want to be/have VTs. I had to reassure her that I wasn't losing my testimony, but just that VT is hard for me. The new RS pres in our ward is very compassionate and I felt safe telling her that I struggle with SA. This is just my own experience, but even though it was very hard and embarrassing to go to the RS pres and talk to her of my challenges, it was sooooo much easier than what I had been doing: letting my social anxiety with VT slowly erode my insides for YEARS. I hope to one day be okay with VTing again, but for right now, it is almost too much to handle. Visiting Teaching is a program that is inspired of the Lord. In an ideal world, I wouldn't worry if I was annoying the other sisters during the visit, or if they were only tolerating my lesson and waiting for me to end the visit, or if they secretly harbored resentful or ill feelings for me. The latter part has been a very real, and very painful experience for me. There are many ways to minister to others than just VTing. Please do not think that I am advocating for people to give up on VT or HT. It's just that, if you are not able to VT, there are so many other ways to love and serve the sisters in your ward and in your community. Something that has bothered me for a long time is my muddy perspective of others' motives. Are they VTing me because they truly love me and want to help me, or are they VTing me because I'm their "assigned friend"? Without sounding flippant, I would much rather have no VTs than ones that view me as an assignment. Just this past week, I was feeling down and discouraged because of the VT issue. I really, really, love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have a strong testimony of the Gospel. And, I am ashamed that VT is difficult for me. I feel sad that I am letting Him down for not VTing. I wish that I could just "buck up" and deal with it. When I was feeling really low, the thought came to me that there are many other ways to minister to the sisters in my ward (and community), then just through VT (though VT is a wonderful, inspired program!) Not to toot my horn, but in the last couple of years, I've written cards and notes to women who I felt needed encouragement, babysat the kids of a bedridden mom until her baby was born, brought over some food to a new mom, etc. This thought gave me so much peace and hope. My efforts to serve some of God's children ARE noticed, and ARE very much appreciated. It may not be in a formal, organized program, but the Lord notices my efforts. I just want to add another disclaimer that I am not advocating for reneging on VT!! It's just for me, it is so darn unpleasant. :( It is my personal hope that the Lord will judge us not so much on who we were, but on who we are, and on who we are becoming. The great irony of this life is that we are commanded to "be ye therefore perfect" (Matthew 5:48), but one of the ways we learn to become perfect is through the learning process of making mistakes, repenting, and learning from those mistakes. Since social anxiety is not a sin, but a mortal condition, it is treated a bit differently. I don't want to use SA as a cop-out, by any means, but at the same time - it is a very real, and very debilitating condition.
ReplyDeleteThank you for such an insightful comment!! I'm happy you felt comfortable enough to talk to your RS Pres about how you feel. That's a hard thing to do, but I'm happy she was understanding. It's so true that the Lord knows our efforts and intentions. I'm happy you found another way you felt you could contribute. Its such a great way to look at it. Thank you for giving me and others another way to think about it and hopefully lessen some of the guilt from not visiting teaching!
Delete(okay part 2) gee, I have a lot to say! :)
ReplyDeleteAre you familiar with Jeffrey R Holland's GC talk "Like a Broken Vessel" from October 2013? It was a transformative moment for me, and I believe it created a paradigm shift in how church members should view mental illness. It was so validating to read his words, and I am certain it took a lot of courage to share his own struggle with depression in front of millions. What a humble man! I'm the first to admit I'm a prideful person (but working on it!) Telling the RS president, and the bishopric, about some of my struggles has been mortifying at times. But afterwards, I've felt a lot of compassion and understanding. I think you may find that some leaders have a harder time than others of "getting" SA. :) That's to be expected. I don't go up to people right away and announce that I have SA, but if they've known me a while, or if I feel safe, or if I feel like I am hurting their feelings by my behavior, I try to let them know. Life is hard. "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." Even the most extroverted, happy-smiling person is holding on to some type of heartache or pain. Everyone.
As I write this, I am building up my courage for church tomorrow. I desperately need and want to take the Sacrament each week. I am so hungry for spiritual food. I love to feel the healing power of the Atonement in my life. I need it so much. That thought is what gets me going thru each Sunday. Through all the chit chat (torture!!!), unstructured transition times, and handshakes.
Sending hugs your way! :)
Thanks for your continued thoughts! :) The more we share, the more we can help each other! I do remember Elder Holland's talk and was impressed he was willing to share such personal experiences. I, too, felt we shared a commonality at the time I heard it and need to go back and read it! Thanks also for reminding me of the healing power of the Atonement and that's what Sunday is for. I'll be thinking of that the next time Sunday rolls around....so often. ;)
DeleteMy eyes are filled with tears that you read my comment on your last post and wrote an update. It really means so much to me and I completely relate to everything you said. It just helps to not feel so alone. Im struggling very deeply with this right now and it's just easy to feel hopeless about it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
ReplyDeleteI've tried to publish my response 2ce now but it won't show up and I am getting the feeling I must not be saying it right. ha! :) Let me try this again. My heart is filled with compassion for you and I'm so sorry for your deep struggles. I know some of what you're dealing with in a very real way. Know that I sincerely mean it when I say I'll pray for you because although we haven't met, Heavenly Father knows who you are and will hear my prayers on your behalf. I have felt the strengthening power of others prayers for me. I hope you can feel a bit more peace knowing you're thought of and cared for. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I feel a sense of strength from us standing together to get through our hardships. Sending peaceful, strengthening thoughts your way! xo
DeleteTexting has been a Godsend for me in my communication with people, including my family. The phone is really an anxiety inducer to be sure. If someone calls I just state at the number in disbelief. I feel like a real wierdo. I love your blog because I too am LDS and church has made it so hard for me also. Thanks for your honesty and knowing that we are not alone!
ReplyDeleteHi Kari - thank you so much for your comment! I totally agree, texting makes it sooo much easier for me to communicate instead of having a face to face or even phone call. It's the little things that make a lot of difference! Thanks for being here.
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