Monday, January 27, 2014

My drama-filled dialogue

Wow. Sunday was a big day for me. I had to be involved in something that brought on MAJOR anxiety. I mean the kind that makes your heart beat out of your chest and you think you're going to faint when it's your turn to do your thing.

My thoughts were racing as quickly as my heart. I could feel my face getting red. As I sat waiting for my turn to go up, I weakly attempted to talk myself down from the wall with "thoughts of ocean waves rolling in"....no, that's not working..."a field of sweet-smelling flowers"...attempting slow breathing techniques...but in the end reality took over. Who am I kidding?? I'm in the middle of relief society and have to get up in front of everyone in about 3 minutes. There's not an ocean or flower big enough to calm me down! And then it was my turn.

As I stood in front of the group, fear gripped me around the throat. Usually when I'm in front of people doing my thing, the anxiety eventually reaches a peak and then starts to die down, but the whole time I felt breathy, trying to breathe normally as my throat closed up and I had to keep swallowing or I'd choke. Thoughts raced through my head, "What if I pass-out? No, that can't happen. Wait, yes it can! I've seen people do it on tv! Just breathe!" (such drama-filled inner dialogue).

But luckily I didn't pass out and made it through but oh. my. gosh. it was exhausting. I was still a bundle of nerves when I was done. Oh the inner woe! No one in that room knew doing my part nearly killed me. Like for reals.

In the church hallway, my husband asked me how it went and I replied, choking back a laugh, "It went pretty well" knowing that when we got in the car I was going to unleash the monster. And I did. I don't think I stopped talking the entire ride home, spitting out every last obnoxious detail. Kind of like I do here. ha!

He was kind of stunned and didn't really know how to respond. I mean how do you respond when someone blurts out such nonsense a mile a minute... "I thought I was literally going to pass out and my heart was pounding and I thought I was choking and I didn't know whether I could make it so I tried to think of the ocean and slow my breathing but nothing worked and then it was my turn and I felt totally freaked out but I finally made it through and lived to tell" kind of lunacy. Poor dear. He has to listen to this whenever I do something that pushes me over the edge.

And when I finally got home, not only did I want to eat everything in sight, I also wanted to go to bed and sleep for 1,000 hours. It sucked me dry people. The rest of the day was a blur.

I'm reminded again and again every time I have a panic attack / social anxiety attack how much our thinking affects us. I know it's all psychological. My mind knows it, but I haven't figured out how to connect that to my body. Hopefully one of these days I will.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing! This is me in a nutshell. You aren't alone. I know that the Atonement is there for those of us that suffer this crippling anxiety. I often picture myself placing the anxiety, humiliation, stress, fear, and sadness in a box, and then placing it in the Saviors lap when I start to feel the lies of Satan that I'm broken & useless because of this. We can do all things with Christ. It might be a total mess in our minds, that almost killed us, but we can do it! Never forget that you are a child of God, and that someday all of these weaknesses and perceived weaknesses will be gone. We will be made perfect. Until then, hang in there, and know that you're doing your best and that's all He ever asks of us. ��

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