My drama-filled dialogue

Wow. Sunday was a big day for me. I had to be involved in something that brought on MAJOR anxiety. I mean the kind that makes your heart beat out of your chest and you think you're going to faint when it's your turn to do your thing.

My thoughts were racing as quickly as my heart. I could feel my face getting red. As I sat waiting for my turn to go up, I weakly attempted to talk myself down from the wall with "thoughts of ocean waves rolling in"....no, that's not working..."a field of sweet-smelling flowers"...attempting slow breathing techniques...but in the end reality took over. Who am I kidding?? I'm in the middle of relief society and have to get up in front of everyone in about 3 minutes. There's not an ocean or flower big enough to calm me down! And then it was my turn.

As I stood in front of the group, fear gripped me around the throat. Usually when I'm in front of people doing my thing, the anxiety eventually reaches a peak and then starts to die down, but the whole time I felt breathy, trying to breathe normally as my throat closed up and I had to keep swallowing or I'd choke. Thoughts raced through my head, "What if I pass-out? No, that can't happen. Wait, yes it can! I've seen people do it on tv! Just breathe!" (such drama-filled inner dialogue).

But luckily I didn't pass out and made it through but oh. my. gosh. it was exhausting. I was still a bundle of nerves when I was done. Oh the inner woe! No one in that room knew doing my part nearly killed me. Like for reals.

In the church hallway, my husband asked me how it went and I replied, choking back a laugh, "It went pretty well" knowing that when we got in the car I was going to unleash the monster. And I did. I don't think I stopped talking the entire ride home, spitting out every last obnoxious detail. Kind of like I do here. ha!

He was kind of stunned and didn't really know how to respond. I mean how do you respond when someone blurts out such nonsense a mile a minute... "I thought I was literally going to pass out and my heart was pounding and I thought I was choking and I didn't know whether I could make it so I tried to think of the ocean and slow my breathing but nothing worked and then it was my turn and I felt totally freaked out but I finally made it through and lived to tell" kind of lunacy. Poor dear. He has to listen to this whenever I do something that pushes me over the edge.

And when I finally got home, not only did I want to eat everything in sight, I also wanted to go to bed and sleep for 1,000 hours. It sucked me dry people. The rest of the day was a blur.

I'm reminded again and again every time I have a panic attack / social anxiety attack how much our thinking affects us. I know it's all psychological. My mind knows it, but I haven't figured out how to connect that to my body. Hopefully one of these days I will.

4 Tips for Easing Social Anxiety in Mormon Women

I had no idea it had been over a year since I posted. My how time flies! The same way Sunday shows up without warning every week. (wink!)

Hearing from one of you dear readers in the midst of a struggle, tugged at my heart strings. There are days when it hits us so hard. There are times we can't possibly see a way out. We watch hope slip away until it's so small it disappears.

It is at those times it helps, even a little, to know we're not alone. There are other people who feel just the way you do.

I would like to share 4 things I've learned over the course of this year that have helped me along the way. Has my social anxiety been cured? No. Drat! But have these things helped? Yes. And I hope they help you as well.

Accept Yourself, quirks and all

One thing that has helped me is to accept myself as I am, right where I am. Worrying about how I don't measure up to everyone else, or how I don't fit the description of what being a good Mormon is, does me no good. Focusing on accepting myself as I am, right where I am? That works. 

• I don't like going to parties or social events, and that's okay. 
• I don't go to enrichment, and that's okay.
• I attend church as much as I feel I can, and that's okay.
• I may turn down a calling or talk assignment if I'm not up for it, and that's okay.
• I may be quiet in a group, and that's okay.
• I'm not comfortable volunteering to feed the missionaries, and that's okay.

You get the picture. It's okay to be who we are, quirks and all. Even if we would like to improve or overcome certain things, we should accept ourselves as we are, right where we are. We wouldn't say to someone else, "It's not okay to be like that". So we shouldn't say it to ourselves. We are doing our best with what we have and what we know.

Your effort is good enough

Thank goodness Heavenly Father isn't like Dr. Phill who tells people just to, "get over it". The one person we always have on our side? Heavenly Father. He knows us individually. I've had my own experiences and have seen other people's experiences, that make that undeniable.

The Lord knows your struggles with social anxiety. He knows how hard it is for you to go to church. How much it pains your heart not to be able to go. Does that mean He gives you a free pass never to go back? No. (drat!) Just kidding. But your efforts, no matter how small do not go unnoticed by Him. He is the one person who truly knows your heart.

My new mantra is a quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley:

“Try a little harder to be a little better.”

(General Conference April 1995)

Did he say, "Get over it!!"?? No. He acknowledges our struggles and simply tells us to try a little harder. Do a little more than you did last time.

Little strides. That is doable for me.

The Lord knows our intentions. He knows we would be at church if we could. I've missed many Sundays because of my social anxiety. But I've also made myself go, even when it was difficult. Whatever you are able to do, whether you only attend 1 meeting or stay for all 3, the Lord appreciates and acknowledges your effort.

And remember, like attracts like. If I stay away for weeks, it's easier to stay away for another week, and another. If I go back one week, I'm more "able" to go back another week and another.

If you go three weeks in a row and have a set back? So be it! It will be harder to return the next Sunday, but what's important is that you're improving.

Small strides.

Priesthood Blessings

Telling my husband about my social anxiety opened a door for me. Even though he doesn't really understand how I feel, he can sympathize with me. It hurts him to see me unhappy or struggling.

There have been many times when my anxiety takes over and I don't think I can go to church or go through with a calling I've been given.

It's in those times when I need more power than I have alone, to overcome my anxious feelings. And I ask my husband for a priesthood blessing. It has always pulled me through. Always. A peace washes over me and I can repeat the words from the blessing in my mind and picture the Lord standing beside me.

If a Priesthood Blessing becomes a Saturday night ritual in order to give you power to get through Sunday? Let it be! The Lord doesn't limit His connection with us. We're the only ones who can do that.

Callings

I know you're going to think I'm crazy to say this, but having a calling helped push me "above" my anxiety. 

Are you sitting down? I was called to be a Relief Society teacher. (Gasp!) I know. Complete insanity. But you know what's more insane? After taking time to think it over, I decided I would accept it. I would do my best and if it was too much for me, I'd ask to be released.

Oh the agony! Oh the distress! The first time I taught I thought I was going to pass out. I would be the first teacher in the history of Relief Society to either collapse in a heap or run out of the room and never come back.

But I lived to tell. And not only that, but the spirit in the room when I taught that first lesson was incredible. I felt lifted up beyond myself and my own short-comings and shared what the Lord wanted those women to hear.

The Lord lifted me above my anxiety to bring to pass His work. It was difficult, but I've never felt such pure inspiration as I did while I prepared and taught the lessons. I felt my social anxiety dim. I felt more confident. I was able to go to church more often. I even felt its effects in my personal and work life. Not to say I didn't need countless Priethood blessings (they were my saving grace), and after a year I did ask to be released because it did become more than I could do, but it was an experience of trusting in the Lord, that I'll never forget.

Am I telling you to ask to be a teacher? Heck no!
What I am saying, is by accepting a calling to serve, *in whatever capacity you feel you can, it will not only give you a reason to be at church, but you will be deeply blessed, in more ways than you know.

I have been given a new calling. One that requires me to be in front of people, but is more doable than teaching. Yes, I have called in sick. Yes, I still have my set-backs. But I know the Lord will help me as I give my best effort, because He's proven that to me time and time again.


Hoping these bits of wisdom I've gained over the past year can help you as well.

Excuses: Social Anxiety's best friend

Do you know how many excuses I've made in my lifetime, in the name of social anxiety?

After yesterday's 5,999th excuse to the question, "Are you coming to the ward party?", I realized how tiring it is.

Each excuse has to be realistic. Each excuse has to be believable. Each excuse has to be different enough that no one catches on.

Them: Want to go to dinner?

Me: No, I'm sorry, I have to work late.

Them: Are you coming to the baby shower?

Me: No, I'm sorry, I have to pick someone up from the airport.

Them: Are you coming to the ward party?

Me: No, I have a family event that night.

You name it, I've probably used it. Anything to get out of a social event.

And now I'm faced with my first big work meeting. I've got to think of something. And it's got to be good. And it's got to be long-term.

Them: Are you attending the work meeting?

Me: No, I sorry I can't. I have a long-standing appointment to give blood every Wednesday.

haha No, that won't work. But I'm sure I'll come up with something. I always do.

Post Scriptum:

After I walked away from this blog post, thoughts were running through my head. Something didn't sit right with me. And all at once I realized what it was.

"Excuses is just a friendly word for lies."

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Now I realize why it's such a heavy feeling. Whenever I make an excuse, I'm actually telling a lie. And since I've become so good at it, it makes me a good liar. And since I feel really bad when I lie, it makes me feel really guilty.

Ah the cycle of despair. How is it justified?

Heavenly Father knows what I struggle with, but does He also condone lying because of it? I think I have to block it out for now. And I have to hope that He does understand. And maybe as I work to try to rise above all of this, it's part of turning weaknesses into strengths. It's hoping that some day I'll go back to being a really bad liar, with no recent experience.