I'm lonely - so leave me alone?

Sunday was difficult, being Father's Day.
If you've read my previous posts, you know my husband and I were not able to have kids. On days like this and Mother's Day, my already heaping scoop of social anxiety gets whipped cream and a cherry on top. Oh joy! I already feel awkward at church and now I can even feel MORE awkward!

I've already decided that next year we're not going to either Sunday.

Ironically, it was 1 week shy of a Sunday 5 years ago that I wrote this post pretty much summing up exactly how I was feeling again. My how time flies, but the same issues seem to stick around. Ugh.

I had already been on edge since last Sunday because my visiting teacher cornered me after sacrament meeting, asking which day I could see her. "Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday?" I caught on that her approach was much more focused instead of the generic, "when could we get together?" She had changed strategies. Good for her. She was hoping for better results. I stammered a bit about needing to check my calendar, and that I would let her know. I stewed about it all week and returned an email to her earlier this week saying I was trying to work out a few things with my schedule. (yah right). I've gone back and forth a million times about whether I should just let her come over or if I'd freak out and regret ever opening the door? Once it's open, it's not easily closed.

One of you left a comment about how you were just honest with your RS president about your anxiety and asked not to do vising teaching for a while. I know I'm just in denial, like everyone will just stop asking and disappear, but I really need to decide whether I have the guts to tell my RS to take me off the list. It's gutsy and takes courage. I did it in my last ward, but of course after the RS change of hands, the message got dropped somehow and I ended up back on the list! It's easier just to keep avoiding everyone, although it doesn't make anyone feel any better.

I fight between feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone. Hey, I like you! Wait, don't come over here! You seem so fun! Go away! I know what it's like to have good friends and to laugh til your stomach hurts and to feel totally validated by someone. I know how good friendship can feel and I ache for it to come back, but in the same breath I don't let anyone close enough lately to become that kind of friend.

I look around at people at church that seem like the coolest people, and think to myself, I would totally be their friend if I felt like I could be. It's like I'm watching the world from a glass bubble.

************************************THE NEXT DAY>>>>>>

I had somewhat of an epiphany last night after writing this post, although I hadn't finished it. The thought of feeling lonely, but pushing everyone away, kept going through my mind. Did I really want to feel this alone all the time?

Part of my feelings of loneliness were fueled by feeling bad about avoiding my visiting teachers and imagining a life full of void, but the tip of the iceberg was attending an event Saturday by myself and feeling like the last person on the planet without a friend. I'm not normally a depressed person, but seeing crowds of people with friends and family buzzing around them and happiness flowing, while being alone, was a hard pill to swallow. It felt gross.

Knowing I needed a pick-me-up, I turned back to this blog, of all places, and recalled a post I'd written on how addiction relapse is painfully similar to social anxiety relapse. After re-reading the 11 signs of addiction relapse, I knew that I was going down the same negative spiral that would get me nowhere but lonely and helpless. I felt pretty low at this point and thoughts of a lonely life and never going back to church were floating through my mind.

Then it was time to leave to get together with family to celebrate Father's Day. Being around my family is one of the best ways to be reminded how wonderful it feels to be around people who love you and just get you. It is the opposite of lonely. I felt like a real person again, not some timid little mouse hiding in the corner, afraid that someone will talk to her. I was myself. I was happy. And my attitude shifted. I was not going to let negative thinking lead me to a lonely, dark place. I needed to take action.

This morning I emailed my visiting teacher and told her that I am not "traditional" when it comes to visiting teaching and that I am not comfortable with sitting and chatting. I returned her invitation by asking her if she wanted to take a walk with me and we could get to know each other that way. I also told her that in the past, monthly emails are appreciated instead of visits. I laid it out in a way that I felt comfortable with and hope it is well-received.

I also emailed the visiting teaching coordinator and apologized for totally dropping the ball and asked her to re-assign my partner so she actually had someone to go with. I told her that due to some anxiety issues I'm having that I need to take a break for a while.

There. It's done. I'm going to give this woman a chance who will come and see me on Wednesday. I hope I'm still feeling as ambitious by then! Ha! I don't want to feel isolated and alone, so I will reach out in the way I feel comfortable, a little at a time.

If I survive, I'll let you know how it goes. ☺
Sending happy thoughts your way as well....xo

I make a better Facebook friend

I had just been thinking a day or two ago about this blog and how I hadn't written in a while and wondered whether it really mattered...and then I received a comment from someone this morning who was in need of some cheering. Sorry to have disappeared and thanks for your sincere comment.

I did make it to church today. If I didn't have a Primary calling I swear I could think up a million and one reasons not to go. I still feel so out of place at church. Like I'm just a body filling up a space in a chair. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I question whether I want to be there at all and ask myself the question, "What if I just. stopped. going?" Could I just "stop being Mormon for a year?" That may or may not have crossed my mind as I sat in the back chairs during sacrament meeting today. But lets not dwell on that.

People got up bearing their testimonies about how great having a "ward family" is and all the wonderful friendships they've made. I felt nothing. I may as well have been sitting in a crowd of strangers. A small part of me wished I felt the same way they did, and another part of me felt exhausted from wishing I felt the same way they did. How many YEARS have I been feeling this way?! Why am I torturing myself?!

Speaking of torture, my visiting teacher made eye contact with me for about .23 seconds but I acted like I didn't see her. I feel bad for her. She's a really nice lady. I just stopped responding to her emails. I decided to choose the better of two evils: I'd rather be a busy person who never responds to emails than one who has constant excuses as to why they can't ever come over.

Same goes for my visiting teaching companion. She wrote a few times asking when a good time was to get together and make visits. The end. I never wrote her back. I avoid her at church, but again, decided I'd rather be a person who just "never writes her back" than someone flakey who comes up with 100 strange excuses as to why I can't ever go visiting teaching with her. That should be the name of a book, 101 Creative Excuses to Avoid your Visiting Teachers. Someone would buy it and get a good laugh.

While we're on a roll, I've avoided the only time Home Teachers ever tried to come over. Check! And successfully declined 2 "opportunities" to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. It's not as easy as just never responding, but the last request actually came yesterday and I just said I wasn't able to, sorry and thanks for understanding. I did say maybe I could later in the summer, but let's be honest, I'll be out of the country when they ask again.

This social anxiety is a strange thing. For the past few months I had to go on a special diet, mainly eating real, whole foods, and avoiding anything processed. I don't know if it was all psychological (because I had lost some weight and started feeling better about myself), but I could have sworn I didn't feel as anxious. I even got through my sister's intensely social wedding, talking to strangers, long-time family friends and visiting family without freaking out. I felt like I was a different person for a while. And it felt amazing.

During my special diet, I found things written about food and anxiety, and how mental anxieties can be eliminated by what we eat. It made me wonder if I had curbed my anxieties by eliminating processed foods and eating only whole, real foods?? Hmmmmm.

Because, back on the flip side... I'm off that diet and have been eating anything I can get my hands on and have felt much more socially anxious again. The question remains, is the anxiety back because I don't feel as good about myself anymore because I'm eating like a pig or is it really due to eliminating processed foods from my diet?

Pass me the ice cream and we'll think about it.
But seriously, something to consider.
I keep trying to stay off processed foods again but every time I do one of them ends up in my mouth.
We'll see.

Social Anxiety is just hard.
I've decided I make a better Facebook friend than a real friend at the moment.
To my Facebook friends: I will smile and make funny comments to you online but when I see you I'll act totally weird.
To my co-workers: I may act normal during a work day, but if you see me off-hours, I'll act like I don't want you to talk to me while my face turns red as I stammer to try to get away. (this may or may not have happened Saturday when I was getting groceries).
To my oldest and dearest friends: You used to know me as a semi-normal person, but sorry, we'll catch up again when I'm out of my 30 year awkward phase.
To the people in my ward: Just pretend I'm not here. Kthxbye.

The only thing I can say to all of us who struggle with this demon day after day, and Sunday after Sunday, is to keep trudging forward.
*Keep working on the hard things.
*Keep trying to move forward every day, even if it's just one small thing.
*Try to focus on the things that went well, instead of the things that didn't go so well.
*Know your limitations, allow yourself to be where you are, and give yourself a break.

Heavenly Father knows you and knows your struggles. You will not be judged on why you weren't like someone else. You will be judged on how well you were yourself. xo