And then they start closing in

Church started 15 minutes ago.
...and I'm either blogging in the back row during sacrament meeting, or at home on my computer feeling guilty for not being there...you decide.

It's always the little things that get me on edge. I intended on going today, but the Relief Society is on the prowl, so I'm opting out.

Delusional? Paranoid? Probably a little of both (ha!) but after two calls from the RS (1st from the secretary last Saturday at 9:30pm - seriously?) and then again yesterday from the President, they're definitely not giving up. I guess the Pres had to take matters into her own hands since I didn't call the secretary back! Sorry, I'll stop grinning. It's such a crazy game of cat and mouse.

They want to visit me and talk to me about visiting teaching. Get in line. Get a number. Get a clue.

In case you're late to the party, in my last post I shared that I opted out from being a visiting teacher at the moment, tho I decided to try having them over for a non-traditional "walking-while-visiting-teaching" visit.

In a nutshell? If I'm being honest, it felt totally forced and awkward. The ladies meant well (don't they always?) but when they arrived, it was almost as if they were scared to enter the front door. It was like, "Ok, we're here! We're trying to act like this isn't weird! We won't bother you! We won't even come in! Let's go for our walk!" AAAAWWWWKKKKWWWWAAAARRRRDDDD

BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then the ironic thing? Neither one of them contacted me again all summer (not that I minded!), and one of them acted like she'd never seen me before when I said hi to her at church. You're dead to me.

I just got an email from the other one last week. Not sure I'll even write back.

WHATEVER!!!!

So now my poor husband had to go to church alone and I feel horrible. When I told him I wasn't going this morning, he was disappointed, but said he "understood" even though he really doesn't understand.

He tried to joke that I was afraid the RS Pres and secretary were going to corner me and I'd have to sneak out, and even though he was trying to lighten the mood, I finally told him I didn't want to talk about it anymore because all it was doing was making me feel bad and more stupid.

And when you say it all out loud? It sounds even more ridiculous than it does in your head. But the pain is real people!

It's the look on his face and the big sigh when I say I'm not going that cuts like a knife. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I didn't put him in this position. If wishes were fishes. I never really understood that saying.

So in order to avoid another Sunday catastrophe next week, I guess I will call the RS Pres back this week, to explain AGAIN that I'm not up for visiting teaching (such an uncomfortable conversation and why I have to keep having it I'll never know!) and while I'm at it, I might exnay on the visiting teachers. I mean come on, how many more awkward VT walks can a girl take?!

Why I eat chips on Sunday

I just got home from church. Yes, I made it today. (loud cheering)

But I'm not gonna lie. I sped walked to the car (the door didn't have time to hit me on the way out) and the whole drive home all I could think about was what I got to eat when I got home. Getting there and surviving a whole 3 hours at church?! This girl gets a reward! It's so sad. They also call it e m o t i o n a l  e a t i n g. :|

But man, why is it so painful every week?! Aaahhhkkk!! I'm trying to do what's right and hope that it will get better and sometimes it does (like I mentioned after attending the temple), but some weeks are very difficult and the road ahead seems very long.

It's like a job I can't quit.
That sounds so wrong, but it's how I feel.

A word that comes to mind is torturous. Going to church really is weekly mental torture for people like me with social anxiety who don't like to share, who don't like to read aloud, who don't like to get up in front of people, who don't like to contribute to discussions, who don't like to socialize, who don't like working in groups...it's all the things we fear.

I love feeling the spirit of God fill and touch my heart. It's not the gospel that's difficult. It lifts me up and brings me such joy. I love sitting through sacrament meeting and feeling the spirit. I love having moments where I gain new insight and inspiration. In sacrament meeting there is no fear, no worry, only peace. I can soak up all the goodness of what's around me instead of wondering if I'll be called on, talked to or have to sit in a circle to share. It is the lack of fear that allows me to just be and it feels so good.

But as sacrament meeting comes to a close, the fear engages and I know I have 2 more difficult hours ahead. How I wish I could simply be a fly on the wall to feel God's spirit and love, and continue learning the beautiful things of the gospel...while remaining unseen and unnoticed.

I know other people have challenges that are probably much more difficult in other ways than I do, but this really is hard. I see my life ahead with these same feelings every day and it's hard to face. It makes me want to curl up in a ball. How I wish the Lord would take this difficulty from me. It has changed me so much. I feel like I've lost much of who I am because of it. I look back in time and almost don't recognize the bubbly, enthusiastic person I once was. Now I just try to keep to myself so no one breaks into my safe zone.

And that, my friends, is why I eat chips on Sunday. Or ice cream. Or cake. Or anything I can to reward myself for making it one more Sunday.

Now please pass the Doritos, we have home teachers coming in 15 minutes.

The Power of the Temple against Social Anxiety

I hope you all survived the holidays...you know what I mean, socializing, parties, and more parties. Did I mention parties?
"I want to stop by and drop off a gift for you"
"Are you coming to the work party?"
"Are you coming to the ward party?"
"Are you coming to the relief society party?"
No, no, no and no.

Luckily I made it through and hope you did too!

Before I jump into how the temple has helped me with my social anxiety, I just want to say to all my readers, whether reading for yourselves or to help you understand the ones you love, that I thank you for your heart-felt comments. It warms my heart to know that by sharing my story I have helped someone else and I'm grateful for you and want you to know I have a special place in my heart for my readers and have such hopes for your success to conquer social anxiety and be happy.

With that said, let me share with you something huge I found that helped me rise above my fears and constant cycle of struggling to go to church: Going to the temple.

Now before you revolt and say, "Go to the temple? Are you kidding me I can barely get myself to church!" Please stay with me because believe me, I GET IT! You don't even want to know how hard it was for me to go to the temple in the first place.

A couple of months ago, I felt like my husband and I should go to the temple (evidently I was not in one of my weaker SA states). We committed on a day to go and I was totally gung-ho about it. I knew it was something we should have been doing consistently, but I'll admit, it also was a big source of anxiety for me that I tried just to block out.

Do to the sacred nature of the temple, I won't go into details, but participating in the ordinances there means you are actively involved and participating and therefore, exposing yourself to possible episodes of anxiety because you are out participating and not sitting at home.

I was all set to go. As the day grew closer I began giving myself pep talks. And then the day came. But as my husband began to get dressed in his Sunday best, it all went downhill. I had a major melt down and told him I didn't think I could go.

Luckily, my husband is as sweet and kind as they come, and said we didn't have to go if it was making me feel this anxious. Inside the battle raged. I knew I needed to go and I had to put my faith in Heavenly Father that if I did this good thing that He would help me get through it.

So we went. And He did.


Excerpt from Come to the Temple (an official church publication):

The temple endowment ordinances enrich in three ways: (a) The one receiving the ordinance is given power from God. “Recipients are endowed with power from on high.” (b) A recipient is also endowed with information and knowledge. “They receive an education relative to the Lord’s purposes and plans.”  (c) When sealed at the altar a person is the recipient of glorious blessings, powers, and honors as part of his or her endowment.

We have been taught that we can receive power from on high if we attend the temple, and if anyone needed power, I did. Power to overcome. Power to persevere. Power not to be afraid. And I received it.

By attending the temple I was reminded why I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was reminded about the love of the gospel. I was reminded why I live the way I live and commit to the things I do. I was reminded about all the good and beautiful things about this church of which I am part. I was reminded about my commitments, covenants and promises and the blessings I am promised if I keep them. And I felt good.

And the next day was Sunday. And as if by magic, I didn't have ANY thoughts of not going to church. What?? I know, believe me, I was just as surprised as you are. I felt powerful. I felt connected and committed in a way I hadn't in a very long time. Thoughts of not going to church were non-existent and I went to church and felt myself begin to get stronger.

And not only do I believe that going to the temple helped me see going to church in a whole different light and take the struggle with going/not-going away, it also helped me in other areas of my life like going to work. Meetings didn't seem as anxiety-producing. Other situations that would have made me want to run and hide didn't affect me as much. I had received the promised power and I couldn't deny it.

As with anything that is connected to receive power, one must continue to "conduct" by going to the temple. In time I've noticed that doubts have begun to creep in again and not going to church once again "becomes an option". I know it's time to go back to the temple and to keep going so my power doesn't have time to fade.

It's miraculous. I hope you find the strength to go to the temple, despite how anxious you might be about it because you will receive power, as is promised. And the wonderful thing about going is that you are not only helping yourself, but others who can't do the work for themselves. It doesn't get better than that!

"So come to the temple - come and claim your blessings." Come to the Temple, Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, (2002), 1–37