After yesterday's 5,999th excuse to the question, "Are you coming to the ward party?", I realized how tiring it is.
Each excuse has to be realistic. Each excuse has to be believable. Each excuse has to be different enough that no one catches on.
Them: Want to go to dinner?
Me: No, I'm sorry, I have to work late.
Them: Are you coming to the baby shower?
Me: No, I'm sorry, I have to pick someone up from the airport.
Them: Are you coming to the ward party?
Me: No, I have a family event that night.
You name it, I've probably used it. Anything to get out of a social event.
And now I'm faced with my first big work meeting. I've got to think of something. And it's got to be good. And it's got to be long-term.
Them: Are you attending the work meeting?
Me: No, I sorry I can't. I have a long-standing appointment to give blood every Wednesday.
haha No, that won't work. But I'm sure I'll come up with something. I always do.
Post Scriptum:
After I walked away from this blog post, thoughts were running through my head. Something didn't sit right with me. And all at once I realized what it was.
"Excuses is just a friendly word for lies."
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Now I realize why it's such a heavy feeling. Whenever I make an excuse, I'm actually telling a lie. And since I've become so good at it, it makes me a good liar. And since I feel really bad when I lie, it makes me feel really guilty.
Ah the cycle of despair. How is it justified?
Heavenly Father knows what I struggle with, but does He also condone lying because of it? I think I have to block it out for now. And I have to hope that He does understand. And maybe as I work to try to rise above all of this, it's part of turning weaknesses into strengths. It's hoping that some day I'll go back to being a really bad liar, with no recent experience.
Good Morning! This morning, at this very moment, I am laying in bed paralyzed with fear (opposite of FAITH) and anxiety while trying to convince myself to GET UP! Get UP!! And go join my husband and 4 beautiful children at church. I've already missed RS...they are heading to Sunday school now. Will I make it to Sacrament Meeting? I need it so badly. Faith or Fear???? Faith+ 1 anti-anxiety pill may = success.
ReplyDeleteI am commenting on a post that was written in 2011.....it's now 2013. Dear Author, where are you?
You are not alone, dear reader! You and I share the same struggles and I know it kills you a little inside every time you don't go to church with your family. I feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteTry not to beat yourself up. The Lord knows how you're feeling and He understands that sometimes you just can't go.
I long for a day that I feel comfortable going to church. However, I'll let you know that all is not lost. I have made strides in my progress. And if I can, then you can too. And I mean it.
At times I challenged myself to go at least 1ce a month to at least something (usually sacrament b/c it's the least threatening). Then if I'm up for it, I'll do that 2ce in a month or go full busters at 4 times!
As strange as it sounds, when I started achieving little goals, it took the edge off my guilt and I started feeling more positive.
Have you talked to your husband about how you're feeling? I hope you have someone to talk to, although it's hard for some people to understand.
The other thing that helped, as strange as it sounds, was accepting a calling. It helped to give me a reason to be there, even if I did have to "call in sick" every once in a while.
I accept that I have limitations and it's okay. I accept that I will do only what I'm capable of and even if its small, the Lord will accept my offering b/c he knows how hard it is for me.
Try not to get down on yourself. I do know how you're feeling and I'm with you on this quest to overcome!! xo