Sunday was difficult, being Father's Day.
If you've read my previous posts, you know my husband and I were not able to have kids. On days like this and Mother's Day, my already heaping scoop of social anxiety gets whipped cream and a cherry on top. Oh joy! I already feel awkward at church and now I can even feel MORE awkward!
I've already decided that next year we're not going to either Sunday.
Ironically, it was 1 week shy of a Sunday 5 years ago that I wrote this post pretty much summing up exactly how I was feeling again. My how time flies, but the same issues seem to stick around. Ugh.
I had already been on edge since last Sunday because my visiting teacher cornered me after sacrament meeting, asking which day I could see her. "Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday?" I caught on that her approach was much more focused instead of the generic, "when could we get together?" She had changed strategies. Good for her. She was hoping for better results. I stammered a bit about needing to check my calendar, and that I would let her know. I stewed about it all week and returned an email to her earlier this week saying I was trying to work out a few things with my schedule. (yah right). I've gone back and forth a million times about whether I should just let her come over or if I'd freak out and regret ever opening the door? Once it's open, it's not easily closed.
One of you left a comment about how you were just honest with your RS president about your anxiety and asked not to do vising teaching for a while. I know I'm just in denial, like everyone will just stop asking and disappear, but I really need to decide whether I have the guts to tell my RS to take me off the list. It's gutsy and takes courage. I did it in my last ward, but of course after the RS change of hands, the message got dropped somehow and I ended up back on the list! It's easier just to keep avoiding everyone, although it doesn't make anyone feel any better.
I fight between feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone. Hey, I like you! Wait, don't come over here! You seem so fun! Go away! I know what it's like to have good friends and to laugh til your stomach hurts and to feel totally validated by someone. I know how good friendship can feel and I ache for it to come back, but in the same breath I don't let anyone close enough lately to become that kind of friend.
I look around at people at church that seem like the coolest people, and think to myself, I would totally be their friend if I felt like I could be. It's like I'm watching the world from a glass bubble.
************************************THE NEXT DAY>>>>>>
I had somewhat of an epiphany last night after writing this post, although I hadn't finished it. The thought of feeling lonely, but pushing everyone away, kept going through my mind. Did I really want to feel this alone all the time?
Part of my feelings of loneliness were fueled by feeling bad about avoiding my visiting teachers and imagining a life full of void, but the tip of the iceberg was attending an event Saturday by myself and feeling like the last person on the planet without a friend. I'm not normally a depressed person, but seeing crowds of people with friends and family buzzing around them and happiness flowing, while being alone, was a hard pill to swallow. It felt gross.
Knowing I needed a pick-me-up, I turned back to this blog, of all places, and recalled a post I'd written on how addiction relapse is painfully similar to social anxiety relapse. After re-reading the 11 signs of addiction relapse, I knew that I was going down the same negative spiral that would get me nowhere but lonely and helpless. I felt pretty low at this point and thoughts of a lonely life and never going back to church were floating through my mind.
Then it was time to leave to get together with family to celebrate Father's Day. Being around my family is one of the best ways to be reminded how wonderful it feels to be around people who love you and just get you. It is the opposite of lonely. I felt like a real person again, not some timid little mouse hiding in the corner, afraid that someone will talk to her. I was myself. I was happy. And my attitude shifted. I was not going to let negative thinking lead me to a lonely, dark place. I needed to take action.
This morning I emailed my visiting teacher and told her that I am not "traditional" when it comes to visiting teaching and that I am not comfortable with sitting and chatting. I returned her invitation by asking her if she wanted to take a walk with me and we could get to know each other that way. I also told her that in the past, monthly emails are appreciated instead of visits. I laid it out in a way that I felt comfortable with and hope it is well-received.
I also emailed the visiting teaching coordinator and apologized for totally dropping the ball and asked her to re-assign my partner so she actually had someone to go with. I told her that due to some anxiety issues I'm having that I need to take a break for a while.
There. It's done. I'm going to give this woman a chance who will come and see me on Wednesday. I hope I'm still feeling as ambitious by then! Ha! I don't want to feel isolated and alone, so I will reach out in the way I feel comfortable, a little at a time.
If I survive, I'll let you know how it goes. ☺
Sending happy thoughts your way as well....xo
It looks like you took a very mature, assertive, and kind approach to your visiting teacher, and I think that's great! I don't know if I'd have the lady balls to do that! Thank you for being a great example to me. Maybe I can work up the courage to be direct and non-confrontational as well.
ReplyDeleteYou brought up some things that got me thinking. I appreciate you putting links to your previous posts. It was good to be reminded of things you've mentioned before. I am very sorry for your pregnancy loss and fertility loss. That is, in my humble opinion, something that a person never gets over. At least not in this life. I speak not from a position of pity, but of empathy. I've had my own unique fertility issues that have opened my eyes to what other women silently go through.
thanks also for linking the addiction relapse post. I notice that if my SA is unmanaged, it can quickly turn into depression, so I have to monitor my symptoms.
(part 1)
I've also found that my SA, in part, is due to my unconventional fertility issues. I have three children, two living. The age gap between oldest and youngest is significant, and people who don't know my situation often comment on the many years that are between them. In between my two living kids, there were two miscarriages, a cancer scare, and my daughter that died. Not for one minute do I forget that I am blessed to have my children. Even with all the heartache I have experienced in becoming, and being, a mother. But there are times I feel "less" because I don't have a big family. (even though that is silly, because I don't think other women are "less"!) Patricia Holland said that "I believe with all my heart that (mother) is first and foremost a statement about our nature, and not a head count of our children." And Sheri Dew said, "aren't we all mothers?" The other day I overheard a pregnant woman tell someone at church that she was glad her 2nd child was going to be a boy, because it was good to "get one of each out of the way". I felt like my gut was punched. It is very hard to be around people that don't realize how miraculous and blessed they are for having the ability to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have kids that are healthy. So, I tend to pull away from the other women at church. I don't feel like I fit in with the women that struggle with infertility (since I do have 2 living children, and I don't want to be insensitive!), yet I don't feel like I fit in with women who have children. I feel like an oddity, like a weird old soul that feels more comfortable with 80 yr olds, who have rich histories of trials and heartache, than with 20- or 30-somethings that have less life experience. I am embarrassed that I sound bitter. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteAs I write this, I feel like crying. I recognize so many similar feelings that you have described. Thank you for opening up your heart and writing about your experiences.
Thank you so much for your sweet response!! We are seriously kindred spirits!
DeleteI am so grateful you were willing to share your personal struggles with me. I'm so very sorry for your losses. It breaks my heart to know of the heavy times you have gone through. I'm sorry that you feel out of place like I do - it's clear that many of us with unconventional LDS families may feel out of place in our own way. Thank you for giving me that perspective. In a way I realize I've been a bit self-centered, worrying so much about how out of place I feel while others might be feeling the same way due to their circumstances. It helps to feel less worried about what other people think because while ward members' lives might appear perfect, they may feel just like I we do in their own way.
I laughed out loud 1st when you said lady balls (ha!) and 2nd, when you said you fit more with 80 yr olds because I have said that of myself a million times!! For whatever reason, I don't feel judged by elderly people, but love to glean their wisdom. I also feel totally at ease around kids. I think because they tell it like it is, there is no guessing or reason for feeling judged b/c if they think something, they'll just tell you (unlike adults)!
This is the first time I have heard that quote from Sis. Holland and it touched my heart instantly. Thank you for sharing that. She said it so perfectly.
You are a gem, dear friend. We are so alike in many ways. I thank you again for opening your heart to me and through that, bringing me a sense of contentment about my circumstances. I feel like we just shared a great visit together. :)
Wishing you a great week ahead! I'll keep you posted on my visiting teaching "Wednesday Walk". Eeek! I'm trying to stay positive! :)
xo
I have LOVED finding/reading your blog! It makes me feel less alone.
ReplyDeleteI just want to comment on your calling as a primary teacher. I also teach primary (I started the summer after I graduated HS and the YW's program. I'm now 22 and in my fifth year of teaching!) I have absolutely LOVED teaching primary! Honestly, I believe it saved me from becoming inactive. After my graduation I knew there was no way I was prepared to go to Singles Ward and I didn't want to go to Relief Society alone (my mom was the Primary Pres. at this time). I was so worried about what I would do and quite honestly, worried about becoming inactive. I already "skipped" church (at least second hour) all of the time, so now what would happen?
My mom asked me if I wanted to team-teach primary with a lady in our ward who had a boy with down syndrome in her class. I agreed. I'll admit, I was terrified of having to teach in front of an "adult" (I was only 18 at the time), especially one who was so good with the kids. Well, she ended up going through an intense adoption process which resulted in her missing a lot of Sundays, so I ended up teaching alone most weeks. I loved it and I was shocked how much I came to love those kids.
Honestly, I feel like primary saved me. I was so worried about not having a place after moving on from the youth program. I already felt so lonely and isolated at church while a youth. I didn't have friends, I never talked to anyone, I always felt so left out, etc. Once I started teaching, I felt needed. I felt liked. Children never try to hide their feelings. They told me exactly how they felt. They would give me hugs at the end of sharing time and get excited to see me outside of church :) They actually seemed to enjoy me and my presence. They depended on me to be there each week to teach them.
I still still struggle with my SA on a daily basis. I don't like VT (although I do love my visiting teacher and enjoy getting together with her. We are unconventional and usually go out to lunch or for yogurt for our visits.), I don't like to attend RS activites and I feel pressure about attending a singles ward. I know I'm still young but many girls my age (that I grew up with in my ward) and younger have been getting married. I have never even been asked out on a date. It's hard sometimes. I would like to get married, but I'm terrified of putting myself out there to meet someone and start dating. If you don't mind my asking, how were you able to find the courage to meet your husband?
I've also had an extremley difficult class this year (I still love them so much!) but it's made things extra hard. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I lose focus and my lessons go really bad. I have had the primary president talk to me on several occassions about it now and how they can help. Even as far as offering to come sit in during one of my lessons, eeek! Noooo!! I know I should probably get out of my comfort zone and go visit with the children in their homes or talk to their parents or something, but I'm so uncomfortable with that!
Anyway, I'm so grateful I came across your blog and it made me happy to see you had a calling in primary because I have found such peace through serving there. Even though I still have my ups and downs and still get nervous, it's been a life saver for me. I actually look forward to going to church these days to see my kids :) I hope you are enjoying your calling. What age group do you teach? I teach 9 year olds.
Hi!
DeleteThank you SO much for your heartfelt comment! It sounds like we have many similarities with Primary being our saving grace! Like you, I also teach 9 year olds, who I adore, and that class is what helps to keep me going to church at the moment!
Sorry your class has been more challenging. The one thing I always tell myself, is if the kids leave today learning this ONE thing (usually the main idea of the lesson), then I've been successful. It helps keep it in perspective, and to always go back to what the main point of the lesson is. If they leave knowing Heavenly Father loves them? Or learn to be kind to others? Then I've at least taught them that much. Good thing gospel lessons are repetitive! Anything they missed, they'll learn again very soon! :)
You asked me how I found the courage to meet my husband. Such a good question, since SA makes dating incredibly hard! The truth is, I MADE myself push through my limits and attend social single activities. I MADE myself talk to people even when I would have rather hidden in the bathroom. It wasn't easy, but pushing myself through it was the only way to meet people. I'd suggest starting small and pick even 1 activity a month. I find doing something like a service project is a MUCH easier way to meet people than doing something like a sit-down-dinner or speed dating (kill me!) where you are sitting face to face instead of working side by side.
I met my husband at a Family Home Evening singles activity. I MADE myself talk to new people I didn't know, and that's when I met him. Of course the first date was nerve-wracking as it would have been with anyone, but once I got past that, we were comfortable together and I could totally be myself.
If you try going to activities, please let me know how you're doing. I know it's really tough but know I'll be cheering for you from the sidelines!! :)
xo
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! I'm glad you enjoy primary as much as I do. It's the best! And that is a really great mindset to have. This past Sunday was actually really rewarding for me because one particular boy who is usually pretty disruptive, was answering questions and particiapting so well (he's a lot smarter than he wants me to think). Then during sharing time as we discussed different miracles Jesus performed (lessons I have taught them this year) I encouraged that same boy (along with another wild one) to try and match the description with the picture before they gave the answer. Both boys took it so seriously and ended up getting every single one right! It made me think "They DO listen! They ARE learning something!" It was a good day :)
DeleteAnd thank you for sharing your advice about forcing yourself to get out there. I know I need to do it, it's just so hard! And it's hard to express the sheer terror and pain that comes with social events to other people since they just don't understand what it feels like at all. I'm really going to try pushing myself because I want to move on with my life and I know all it takes is that first step and leap of faith. I will for sure keep you updated on my progress. It will be nice to have someone to talk to who understands how much of a triumph it is for just having even one coversation with another human being :) Thank you for your support and keep up the great work yourself!