Social Anxiety and my youngest sister

You know the old saying, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy?" Well, in the case of social anxiety, if I can be totally honest, I actually wouldn't mind seeing some of my worst enemies get a good dose of social anxiety. If I can be honest.

But for my sister? I wouldn't wish it on her in a million, zillion years.

But it happened. My sweet sister, who's in 30's, called me a while back with an all-too-familiar story. And I hung my head and wished I could somehow take it away.

She and I have always shared the same anxiety about "going around the room" and speaking in front of people. We laugh about our fears and the strange predicaments we've found ourselves in because of them. But we are forever grateful we have each other to share, understand, and accept even the worst parts of ourselves.

But for her, on this day, her otherwise "normal" anxiety had reached a new level. It had become much bigger. Much bolder. Much more debilitating.

A class at school had finally pushed her over the edge. Her teacher was a wild card. Totally unpredictable. Totally uncaring. Totally spontaneous. And one who seemed to enjoy putting students on the spot, as if beating them into submission was the only way they would learn. A very dangerous ground for the socially anxious. Unpredictability is like a death sentence.

On this particular day, her fear of being called on was so great, that she finally broke and left early. And is the case with avoidance, she not only felt like a complete failure, but the fear wouldn't leave her. Each day was a test of her will to return to class, but the fear of humiliation was too strong. And with each passing day that she didn't return, the fear only mounted in her absence.

She didn't know how to get through it. She didn't know how to face it. She knew her future career was crumbling out from under her because of this one thing she couldn't control. It was overwhelming darkness and she couldn't see her way through it.

As I listened to her reveal her most troubling, fearful, humiliating and debilitating moments, my heart broke into a million pieces.  The things she shared were as familiar as if I were reading through an old diary, revealing my own confusing, debilitating, world changing episodes of social anxiety. I understood. To my core. In a way that only those of us who have gone through it can understand. And my heart ached for her. Please not her. Why now? She is just at the cusp of a career she has put everything on the line for. Please don't let this stop her. Not like it has stopped me.

I wanted to wish it all away. I wanted to tell her it would all get better. But I knew I couldn't promise that. Social Anxiety isn't something you can just get over or wish away. It's as real as the fear itself. It has to be acknowledged, accepted and faced over and over again. For years. Maybe even a lifetime.

I pulled out everything I knew. Everything I'd learned. Every moment I'd conquered. Every moment I'd failed. And I tried to give her the best advice I could muster. The best helps I could think of. I also recounted a tidbit I learned from the CD therapy series about accepting yourself and your fear instead of fighting against it. I hoped my suffering hadn't been in vain. If I could help her, it was worth every minute of suffering.

I gave her tips (aka: distractions) that have helped me, like bringing a water bottle to drink and hold; sucking on fresh minty tic tacs and taking in deep breaths of refreshing, calming mint. I told her about how saying something out loud in class before presenting (in order to break the ice with yourself and surroundings) had helped me. I told her that no one is really paying attention to you anyway because they really are more worried about themselves. We talked about how holding something in your hand, like a penny or paper clip, or tapping your foot, can help channel the nervous energy into something else.

She went to her school counselor, but received no understanding or even empathy. I would have expected so much more from a counselor.

I believe in the end, she finally emailed her teacher and tried to explain the situation. Fortunately, it allowed her to get through the remaining classes and at least pass.

It reminded me how social anxiety can crush your ability to reach your potential, and instead, allows you to accept only enough to get by.

I hope, looking ahead, that she doesn't have to face this ever again. I hope her path doesn't follow mine, where with each episode the anxiety worsens and one day you wake up and can't go to work anymore or even talk to people face to face.

She is my hero. I think about her when I'm faced with a fearful situation. I think that if she could get through what she did, I can do anything. I thought of her when my home teachers were coming over, and when I had to meet with my Bishop for tithing settlement.

Her strength will now be a source of strength for me.

Sunday Revelations: God's gift for my socially anxious mind

Whew! Made it through another Sunday.
I know, this is getting redundant.
But believe me, it's an every week accomplishment!

Church yesterday was another difficult one. I swear that social anxiety ebs and flows like a monthly cycle. Am I wrong? There's a blip of time through the month I feel almost confident, other times just regular, while other times I'm exceptionally anxious. Hormone related? I may have to read about that. Or start charting my anxiety. But who wants to do that?

I'm still in shock that I made it to church yesterday. My husband had something work-related Sunday morning (which never happens), but which meant I would be going to church alone. Usually if my husband can't go to church for whatever reason, I break out the party hats and celebrate my "get-out-of-church" free pass! But I felt like I should go.

I had a calling to fulfill and if I didn't go, it was difficult to find someone to replace me. It would be one thing if I called and got a sub, but quite another if I just didn't show up. Rude.

I battled the decision back and forth in my head and finally decided that at least I would go for relief society. But even then I wouldn't call it a "firm" decision. If even the faintest wind of doubt blew, I might cave in and not go.

But as I went throughout my morning doing other things as I passed the time, I knew in my heart it was the Sabbath day. A day set aside from the rest of the week to put aside our own cares and desires, and worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I couldn't pretend it was just other day, because it wasn't. And I needed to go to church.

So I got ready and even went in time for most of Sunday School. But wow, I felt "off". Was it because I had missed sacrament meeting?  I felt like I had stumbled into the middle of a 3 act play. My heart was beating hard in my chest and my anxiety was high for no real reason, as I sat in my Sunday School seat. I tried to focus and calm down my insides as the questions kept going over in my mind, "How did I get here??"; "Why didn't I just stay home??"; "You had a free pass for heaven's sake!".

But I suffered through it, high on anxiety, as if to expect at any moment the teacher to call me up to do a tap dance. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel so anxious? Was it a cycle shift? Geeze Louise!

But as the closing prayer ended in Sunday School, I opened my eyes to find my sweet husband coming in the far door. My heart filled with warmth to see his smile.

For a moment I envisioned the after-life, in the eternities, and we were both there. Not one without the other. And all at once I knew I had made the right choice to come to church. I wanted to be with him forever, as is our marital promise, as we keep our covenants and live faithfully. And I would live the commandment to go to church because I love my husband and won't leave him standing alone because I promised to be there. Always.

Every week it seems I need something concrete to "convince me" to get to church because my social anxiety makes it so difficult. These little moments of enlightenment, these "Sunday Revelations", are what keep me going. What helps me to get to church one week, may not be what helps me the next, so I need a list to help me a long. I'm grateful for God's little graces.

Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed

Yesterday (Sunday, of course), was hard. I didn't want to go to church.

Saturday I found myself getting uptight again because I knew Sunday was the next day. I even joked with my husband about us taking a sabbatical and staying home...but of course he didn't fall for it. He's the obedient one who goes to church every week no matter what.

I'm so tired of this weekly cycle.

I hadn't prepared for my calling all week like I normally do, almost as if subconsciously to give myself a reason to get out of going. My insides were all angry and stomping, like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum, but in the end I knew I had to go. I had only hurt myself by not preparing. I couldn't bail on them again. It only made me feel worse when I did.

So I went.
And when I go with a blah attitude, that's what I get out of it.
The whole time I kept thinking how much I wanted to be at home and not there.
The speaker in sacrament meeting was monotone. She had a few moments, when she looked up from her paper, that she had something insightful to say, but other than that, I kept wondering when she would sit down.
Her husband was the same.

At one point during the meeting my husband reached over and squeezed my hand, smiled and scooted closer. He deserved a wife who would go to church with him, sit beside him, support him and stay true to the covenants we've made. It pained me to be there, but at least I was there with him, to sit beside him, even if sometimes I feel like I'm just playing a part. 

Next, on to Sunday School. I wanted to sit in the car, but I made myself go sit through class. The whole time I half listened/half zoned out. I wasn't going to participate because I didn't really want to be there anyway. Why was I being such a baby?!

Next, on to relief society.
It was okay. I got through it. A girl who I'm trying to avoid kept looking over at me from a few seats down, trying to get my attention, so I just ignored her on purpose. She had called earlier in the week and said she wanted to talk to me. She's been trying to push a friendship but she's not my type, so I've tried to keep my distance. I didn't want to talk to her. Stop looking at me.

Our lesson was on Of Regrets and Resolutions, by Presiden Uchtdorf. One section focused on Living up to our Potential. I wondered what God thought my potential was? Would I fall short because of social anxiety? Was social anxiety stopping me from accomplishing great things? Yes. I'd say for sure it was.

One quote from Pres. Uchtdorf caught me, when he said we can't live up to our full potential "with a dragging-our-feet, staring-at-our-watch, complaining-as-we-go approach to discipleship." 

Dang, that was so me right now. Hard truth. Especially today.

I finally made it through to the end of church and ran out to the car right after the prayer.
Get me the heck out of here.
It's finally over.
The girl who wanted to talk to me saw my husband and wondered where I'd disappeared? Bu bye.

When we got home, I fretted the rest of the day the home teachers would call or show up, since it was the last Sunday of the month. They never called, but it did ruin my peaceful Sunday afternoon worrying about it. Still two more days in the month. My worry isn't over yet.

Sigh.

Gordon B.Hinckley once said, “Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed.”

Right now I feel like I'm just enduring it.

Whether it's church, work, family, friends, whatever it is that involves people, I worry about the next thing, get through it, and worry about the next thing. Dread and worry. Worry and dread.  There's not much to be enjoyed about that.

I'll put this quote up on my bathroom mirror. And try harder to live it.
And maybe I'll begin to break the chains that hold me back from living my true potential.
One day at a time.

Fear them, they will come

You know the quote from that movie, Field of Dreams, with Kevin Costner, "Build it, they will come"?  Well, I have a modification for that, "Fear them, they will come." i.e. If there is someone you're trying to avoid, you will slam right into them. It's true. It happens to me every time.

I can't deny that I have a long list of "who to avoid" running through my head at any given time...but I'm finding that it's almost a silent beacon of attraction. The more I think, "I don't want to see them" the more often I see them.

Exhibit A
Several years ago, I had a visiting teacher who was much too eager. She wanted to visit with me all the time, wanted to stay and talk for hours, wanted me to go to activities with her, wanted me to share my feelings with her. Um, no. Needless to say, she quickly became someone I tried to avoid at all cost.

And it just so happened, the more I tried to avoid her, the more I ended up bumping into her. Seriously. Even when I tried to plan an exit strategy, she would appear out of nowhere with her cheesy grin staring back at me!  Aaaah! Where did you come from?!

Exhibit B
A few weeks ago I walked into a crowded post office, only to find the previous RS president (who I still try vehemently to avoid), directly in front of me in a very long line of patrons. Oh crap. No turning back. Long line. Lots of time for conversation.

Exhibit C
A few weeks later I went to the grocery store. The current RS president had been trying to get a hold of me to talk, so (as psycho as it sounds), I planned my grocery trip specifically at an odd time so I wouldn't have a chance of running into her. I'm sure you can guess who I ran right into in isle 5? Are. You. Kidding. Me?! I couldn't have planned that meeting any better if I tried.

So maybe it all comes down to this. Ever heard of something called The Law of Attraction? Simply put, The Law of Attraction states that we attract into our lives whatever we think about. Dominant thoughts will produce results.

The more I think, I don't want to see "Tina" (no offense Tina, I'm using a fake name), the more times I think about Tina and the more often I'll run into Tina. I guess my brain is leaving the part out about "don't want to" and just hears "see Tina".

Dominant thoughts produce results in the same way our negative thinking creates our anxiety. It all makes sense.

Time to focus on what I WANT, instead of what I DON'T WANT (or who I don't want to see). And see what happens.

Social Anxiety and Social Exclusion among LDS women

Every Sunday it's like watching a flurry of butterflies, those social women who frolic across the flowered fields of church halls and classrooms, chatting with one woman, then another, then another, recounting the week's events, sharing stories and making plans, until they have graced their presence on almost every flower. Except me.

Social Anxiety stops you from going to church. It stops you from attending activities. It stops you from making friends. It stops you from socializing with the other women in the ward. It's no wonder that those with social anxiety also feel completely excluded among the other women. And it's hard.

A little while ago, I received this comment from one of my readers:

I, too, struggle with social anxiety and struggle with some of the same aspects of church that you do. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.

However, I also struggle with a side effect of SA that I do not find addressed on any of the websites or blogs. This is social exclusion in the LDS church and feeling as thought I do not fit in with the women. Knowing that the women at church are great friends and do things socially outside of church but I am not included is very painful. It adds to my feelings of rejection and compound my social anxieties. It makes church attendance very difficult. 

Just this Sunday the RS lesson was on sisterhood and unity. It was nice and cozy and safe. However, how about a real discussion about why we need a lesson on unity in the first place? How about some emotional honesty about what we are doing or not doing? Unfortunately, I left RS feeling worse. 

Do you have any thoughts or advice?

My response to her:

I, too, have felt the same feelings of social exclusion you are talking about. It is difficult every Sunday to see friends chat away, while I sit there feeling stupid. I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in. I know that if I were to attend activities or extend myself to talk to people, I also would make friends, but social anxiety makes it very difficult. In some ways it's like a double-edged sword - if people talk to me or invite me to things, it makes me uncomfortable and I will most likely turn them down, but at least it makes me feel included.  On the other hand, if people don't talk to me and kind of disregard me, I feel alone and excluded.

I understand what you're saying about your lesson on sisterhood and unity. People who are surrounded by friends, think unity in RS is fine and dandy. But what about the people who don't have friends and don't feel included? It's like the one's who need the lesson don't quite get it, and the one's who don't, just feel worse after it.

If you're in a ward where no one reaches out beyond their own bubble of friends, it can be very easy to feel excluded. I've felt differently in different wards. Some groups are much more likely to reach out to everyone, where other wards have cliques and keep to their own friends. 

If I can offer one piece of advice that has helped me, I hope it might do the same for you.  Sometimes all it takes is one person. One person to make you feel important. One person to make you feel included. One person to go to an activity with, to feel like you aren't alone. 

Is there 1 person, maybe someone new, or someone who feels left-out, that you could reach out to so you're both not alone? I have found in the past that when I have gone out of my way to talk to someone new, or someone who's sitting alone, no matter how difficult it is, that I end up feeling better. In turning it around so it's not about me, it's about them, reaching out to make sure someone else feels included, makes me feel included too.

Another suggestion that may or may not be something you're interested in doing, is taking a walk with someone. In my ward there are people who like to take walks together. I feel much more comfortable walking and talking with someone, than having a one-on-one sit down conversation with someone. It's a casual way to get to know people and nice to get some exercise in. It's not always easy to ask to be included, but if you do and go even once, you might find that it's a great fit for you.

Just know, dear friend, that I am on your side. I struggle just like you do. I know how it feels. I know how difficult it is. I'm pushing my way through all of this too. I'd love to keep up on how you're doing and hope that something I've said has helped you. 

Have you ever felt as this reader feels?
As I have also felt 99.9% of all Sundays?

As I said in my response, some wards are much better at making people feel included than other wards. The bottom line, is that it is much more painful to be excluded, than to choose not to be included. 

I'm very sorry for those of you who attend wards that are cliquish, exclude, and/or stick to their own circles. I've been in such wards and it can be very hurtful, especially when going to church itself is already difficult.

The ward I attend is diverse and pretty friendly, as wards go. There are many people who try to make others feel included. I have been invited to activities. I have been invited to dinner. I have been invited to attend baby showers, and other events. But I have always declined.

I guess the way I deal with the issue of exclusion (or don't deal with it) is to block it out. I put up a high, sturdy wall that not even the strongest can climb. I block out that social connection so I won't care. I won't care that everyone has friends in the ward but me, that they all get together during the week, that they share strong friendships, that they have dinner groups together and date nights as couples and reading groups and share experiences and funny stories with each other.

If I start to care, it would be painful to know how separated I really am from all of them. But if I take that wall down to be included, it is dangerous territory for me. It means I'll have to start talking and sharing and attending...and in the end I know myself. I'll start worrying, avoiding, cancelling and begin to build my wall back up again as they look at me with confusion.

So I put up my wall and try to distract myself, and hide in the bathroom while the butterflies frolic because I seem to be a better observer than a participant.

From the outside looking in, it's not that I long to be a butterfly, I long to feel as the butterflies feel. To feel as free and fun and joyful as they look, without a care in the world as they flutter along, chatting, planning, and giggling with the other butterflies.

Maybe one day I'll join them, but for now, I'm just a flower.

When's my next Sunday off?

Yesterday I made it through another Sunday of church. Breathe in...and release.

Saturday I found myself getting anxious and wanting to eat everything in the house. I stopped and wondered what feelings I was eating? Why was I whirling around in a panic? And then I thought about what tomorrow was, Sunday, and my chest tightened.  I tested my theory by playing a game in my head, "What if I didn't have to go to church tomorrow?" I immediately relaxed. Hypothesis proven.

I try not to get the Saturday grumps knowing Sunday is the next day, but I find it difficult. I can't help but sing my revised rendition of a well-known primary song, "Saturday is a special day, it's the day that we start dreading Sunday." I'm so bad.

Saturday is the first day off from a long week at work. It should be a day of freedom, relaxation, a day to prepare for the coming week, a day for at least a little fun. And I find that I stew it all away sometimes worrying about what the next day is. [Mental note: I've got to work on that. Saturday: live in the moment.] A woman commented in Relief Society yesterday that she "loves coming to church." I sat there and wondered what that felt like? I hadn't felt it in a very long time. Had I ever? Hmm.

Last week was spring break for us, which meant I had some time off from my job. Today is the first day back. My mom and I were talking about how easy it is to wish days and even weeks away, looking ahead to the next break instead of just enjoying each day. I had to laugh, because I knew I couldn't help but peek at the calendar to see when my next day off would be.

It reminded me of our "break from church" last week for General Conference. Sigh. I love those Sundays. But I found myself also wondering when the next break from church would be? Lets see, there are 2 stake conferences during the year and 2 general conferences...anything else? Please?! Eeeek! How many torturous Sunday's would there be until the next "break"? I began to panic and pushed it out of my mind. I had to hold on to my new way of thinking - to go to church for Them. Obedience doesn't have a timeline. It is a lifelong commitment of doing what is right.

Conference was not only a nice break from the anxieties of going to church, it was also uplifting.  There were several talks that struck a chord with me. I recall one speaker in particular, who spoke of receiving power when we serve. It confirmed what I knew to be true, because it had happened to me. I plan on going back and listening to or reading the talks again so I can write down motivational quotes or thoughts.

I still felt really awkward at church. I walked, more like rushed, down the hall to avoid having conversations with people, I still avoided eye contact with certain people, I still used the bathroom more times than a girl should in a 2-hour period, but I survived.

I even had a mini panic attack while doing my calling in front of people. Panicked thoughts flooded my head, "I'm going to throw up! I'm going to pass out! I've got to run out of here and never come back!"  but I pulled through somehow, sat down stunned, and melted into my chair. I thought I'd somehow managed to rise above those moments with my "diligent obedience", but unfortunately, they're still there. As I choose to continue to be obedient, no matter how difficult it is, I'm hoping the Lord will ease my anxieties. 

I'm trying hard to be at peace with going to church every Sunday and I hope as I persevere, that one day I'll be able to say, as that woman in relief society did, "I love to going to church."

Okay, that may be a stretch, but a girl's gotta have a goal, right? J

Pressing forward for Them: the gift that keeps on giving

Yesterday was Easter - the most glorious of all Sundays.

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was intent on going to church and doing my calling, no matter how difficult it was.

With my new perspective, going to church and fulfilling my calling despite my hardships as my gift to the Lord, I felt more at peace about going. I knew it wasn't about me anymore. It was about Them. It was a day to remember our Savior. It was a day to show Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father that I would not let social anxiety be greater than my love and gratitude for them. I wouldn't let my fears stop me from honoring them especially on this most special of all days, Easter.

I went to church with a mix of purpose and apprehension, because honestly, you never know what's going to happen. But I was there. And I wasn't going to let my social anxiety stop me from doing what I knew was right.

Yes, there were still long breaks in-between classes that made me want to choke. Time when chit-chat filled the room and I sat there staring into my purse like there was something important to find. But bathroom breaks and trips to the drinking fountain filled in some of the gaps and after a bit of squirming, class started.

During class we broke up into small groups. Without my new outlook, I don't know if I could have done it. And after class I had to talk to my visiting teachers. But the truth was, I could handle it. I was able to handle it all because I knew it wasn't about me. It was about showing my obedience, love and honor to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. If I had skipped out on any of it, I would be disrespecting them. And I wouldn't do that.

Pressing forward despite my social anxiety, is my gift to God and my Savior. There is power in this new perspective. I have already felt it.

Last week I was able to will myself to sit through a visit with our new Home Teachers. I wanted to skip out so badly, but knew I wouldn't be allowing these men to fulfill their callings if I didn't go. So with my new intent in mind, to press forward for Them, I went.

I'm still not ready to be a visiting teacher yet. I'm still not ready to have my visiting teachers come over. But I have a feeling, that with this new outlook I will be able to get there.