Survived another Sunday with social anxiety

As you can see, I lived to tell about today's church, home teaching and tithing settlement activities.
Just thought you should know.

Church was fine. I'm always hoping no one will talk to me. Saying hi is fine, a word or two is fine, but please don't stop me in the hall for a chat. Luckily, Primary saves me from being too available for that sort of thing. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I'm hiding in Primary. It's a safe haven. Since it's all about the kids, teachers are never asked to contribute. They're hardly ever called on or put on the spot. And I'm more than fine with that. I'll sign on for a lifetime Primary calling, thank you very much.

Anyway, I tried to push thoughts of home teachers and tithing settlement out of my mind all day. But of course once we got home it was all about looking at the clock to see how many minutes until they get here...tick, tock, tick, tock...and figuring out anxiety reducing seating arrangements and optimal anxiety reducing lighting, etc., etc. (We socially anxious are very high maintenance you know) haha! Luckily my husband is very understanding and lets me do whatever ritual I need to do. And although I never expressed the anxious thoughts and dread I had been feeling over the home teachers coming over or the tithing settlement meeting, he was lucky I was there at all, right?!

Moving on. The home teachers ended up being late. Ha! Isn't that always the way? As I watched the clock and mentally bit my nails, I wanted to scream,"This is why I hate home teachers!" but I didn't. I just smiled and said maybe we'd been forgotten. Which was actually my backwards wish that I instantly took back because I knew it would mean holding on to the dread another week. No thanks. But they ended up coming late.

And shocker of a lifetime, due to their schedules, they could only stay about 15 minutes. I'll take that any day. I did experience a few moments of anxiety. They asked us questions and suddenly I felt heat shoot across my face. I wondered if they could tell. I thought, "oh, no, here I go again." Somehow I spoke through it. Maybe it was the false sense of security from the "optimal anxiety reduced lighting" ha, ha. It hit me a couple times over a 15 minute period but I had to push through it, even though as I spoke I wondered if they could see the anxiety all over my face.

I survived. Next came tithing settlement.

Luckily, there was no one else waiting in the foyer when we arrived. That's another fear of mine (what does that make it? #3,683?) that we'll be trapped into socializing as we wait for our appointment with the Bishop. To my relief, we went right in. And the Bishop, as always, was very kind and really cares about the members of our ward. I kept my answers short and positive. Kind of like when you say what they want to hear, but mean it? Luckily he didn't bring anything up and we didn't offer. I'm guessing he has heard from the RS pres that I'm having a rough time, of sorts, and may know of our situation with not being able to have kids, but I wasn't going to bring it up and I was very thankful he was sensitive enough not to bring it up either.

So for now, home teaching is done for another month.
Tithing settlement is done for another year.
Church is over for another week.
But who am I kidding, as soon as I take a deep breath, it's time to brace myself to do it all over again.

The current state of my socially anxious mind

As the weeks and months pass, I often reflect about how I'm doing. Am I any closer to "getting over" social anxiety? Does anyone ever really get over it? Do I dare test myself by taking a risk? Or do I just not care enough anymore to try? Have I forgotten how to care about people? Will my life always be guarded; with walls stretched up around my ever enclosing small circle?

I really don't know how to answer some of those questions.

In some ways I feel like I'm closing in on myself.

The other day I wondered what it would be like to stay in my house and only go out when needed. Never going to work, never going to church, never having to go to a social event I didn't want to, never having to meet with people, not having to deal with people anymore.

Speaking of never going to church again, it just so happens that tomorrow is Sunday.

It's December. That means tithing settlement. Which means meeting with the Bishop. He's a nice man, but do I want to go in and meet with him and have him ask me about how I'm doing? No. I don't. He'll ask me about the Christmas party we didn't attend last night. My husband would probably have gone if I had wanted to, but I said I didn't care and so neither did he. So we didn't go. But the anticipation of being asked about it is haunting the back of my mind.

Tomorrow is also our first meeting with our home teachers. It's a double doozie. In some ways I just want to get it all over with on one Sunday, but in most ways I don't want to do it at all. Ever. Taking care of it all on one Sunday just means I'll dread the whole day and be exhausted after it's done. It really doesn't make it any better at all.

Every time I think about the events of tomorrow I want to say I can't go. I want to make my husband go alone. I want to say I don't feel well. And then I picture him having to stand for both of us and it makes me feel horrible for not being a better wife. He deserves more than that. He deserves an equal partner. So I'll make myself do it all, even though none of me wants to do any of it. And it makes me want to run away from church and hide forever just thinking about it.

I always say to myself, you can run but you can't hide from Mormons. No disrespect, but it's true. On the good side, someone's always looking out for you. On the bad side, someone's always looking out for you.

Speaking of such an example, it has almost gotten comical with the RS President. I swear she is on a mission to get me to socialize. One way or another. I think she feel's she's been inspired to save me from something.

I posted a while back that she came over and we talked about my husband and my inability to have kids and also that I've been having episodes with anxiety and haven't felt able to socialize or visit teach.

Since that time she has called and emailed a few times. I haven't called her back, but have sent an email response or two. I know she means well (I can't write about her without saying that) but frankly, she just. doesn't. get it.

Even after our visit where I spoke about not wanting to attend social events due to anxiety, and even after two separate emails stating I am not comfortable with socializing yet "due to my anxiety in social situations", she continues to invite me to every RS social event throughout the year. Her emails begin with, "So are you coming to the dinner on Friday?" or her voice mails have been, "Are you coming to the such and such activity? I don't know how to get a hold of you" (always with desperation in her voice).

My husband and I had to laugh the other day at yet another one of her emails. She wrote, again, asking if I was going to attend a certain activity. I finally decided I'd better spell it out, since she clearly wasn't understanding our conversation about my need to bow out of social activities.

Before sending it, I must have revised her email at least a million times, so I was sure to articulate it in a way that would prevent future misunderstandings. Each time I revised it I read it to my husband and he would say, "I'm not sure she's going to get it." But the final version seemed to be precise enough without shouting it at her. Then, hysterically enough, within hours of sending it off, she sent me an invitation to a RS party later that week. And all we could do was laugh. Oh well, I tried.

So the current state of my socially anxious mind is just as it's always been. I haven't picked up my therapy since July of this year and have been up to my old avoidance tricks. I know I should start my home therapy again if I'm ever going to 1. care about people again 2. like going to church again; 3. ever visit teach again; 4. make more money by working full-time at a job that matches my skill level again and 5. I guess in a nutshell, not dread everything that involves people.

The end.

Well, not really the end, if after tomorrow's daunting day I live to tell.
See you then. Hopefully.

Taking a break from healing

I haven't written in a while and I'll tell you why. Instead of the usual exhaustion from social anxiety itself, I was becoming exhausted from focusing on how to overcome it. And I decided to take a break.

The at-home therapy series I've been listening to and working through has really been a great tool for me and I've had break-through's in my thinking habits and aha moments about my life.

During this process I've learned how to better identify my negative thinking, catch myself at it and try to redirect my thoughts. But I tell you, it's exhausting. Maybe it's just because I had so many negative thoughts to combat. Maybe it's because I was examining myself way too closely. Maybe it was the anxiety I felt about needing time alone to listen and "talk" the therapy out and not having time alone and secretly resenting my husband for it. Maybe it was finding that concepts were building on each other and it required even more alone time that I didn't have. Maybe after my last anxious moment with someone, the discouragement I felt was defeating and I threw my hands up and stopped believing my life would ever be any different. Maybe it was due to me focusing so hard on overcoming social anxiety that it became all I thought about.

Whatever the reason, I had induced social-anxiety-healing-exhaustion and I decided to take a break. To be honest, I can't really remember when I started my therapy sabbatical. I'm guessing it's been about two weeks. And I know I need to get back to it because it's the persistence and consistency that makes the changes effective. But for now, I'm on therapy pause.

The last concept I started learning about was called the fighting paradox. In a nutshell, fighting against our social anxiety (which comes most naturally to us, i.e. "What's wrong with you?! Why can't you just be normal?"...those happen to be my favorite lines) actually makes it worse, whereas giving in to it (accepting ourselves as we are and gently working at overcoming it) is the way to overcome it.

Moving on to this next phase was a bit overwhelming. Now not only would I have to catch my negative thinking as it related to social situations (dreading, avoiding, etc.), and catching my negative thinking as it related to every day life (wrong line at grocery store, getting cut off in traffic, not dwelling on past negative experiences, etc.), but now I would also have to catch and redirect my negative thoughts about having social anxiety in the first place ("I hate going through this"; "why do I have to deal with this anyway"; "I'm so tired of this", etc.), which I realize now, are often my thoughts of choice.

That's why writing this blog has been so therapeutic for me. It's not until I get it all written down that it becomes clearer than ever.

Moving forward in the therapy series meant letting go of those thoughts that came so easily to my mind ("I hate going through this"; "Why do I have to deal with this anyway?"; "I'm so tired of this", "Other people don't have to deal with social anxiety, why do I have to?" etc.). And the honest truth is, I didn't even realize these thoughts were negative. I know I said them quite often because they made me feel better. I was just shouting out how I felt. But now as I internalize what the fighting paradox actually means, these statements I shout out to make myself to feel better, in the end, actually just make it worse and keep me right where I am in a vicious cycle of negativity.

So moving forward with therapy and continuing to work to overcome my social anxiety meant I would have to let go of my shout-outs. And they had made me feel better (said the dieter to the ice cream)...or so it felt. So what would comfort me if I couldn't say those things anymore? I began to feel exposed and vulnerable. I began to feel myself unraveling.

And so I took a break.

• I took a break from combatting my negative thoughts.
• I took a break from examining myself too closely.
• I took a break from worrying about needing time alone for therapy
• I took a break from resenting my husband over not having enough alone time for therapy
• I took a break from feeling overwhelmed about the mounting therapy assignments
• I took a break from thinking about the last anxiety attack I had and the associated defeat
• I took a break from making overcoming social anxiety my life-consuming task

And I realized that taking a break and allowing my thoughts to make sense of themselves actually helped me find some clarity. And I'm still on a break until...Monday, make that Tuesday, since my husband will be home all day Monday and I won't have any alone time to start up my therapy again. But I'm not going to stress about that one. bit.

P.S. And in the end, unlike the title suggests, I really can't take a break from healing. And that's a good thing. Because in the end I may have learned more during my two+ week sabbatical than if I hadn't taken it at all.

Going to church with social anxiety and infertility

I'm having a hard time at the moment.

Sunday was hard.

Today has also been difficult. I feel like I'm living the overflow of depression that was Sunday.

I'm trying to stay positive but it is difficult.

As I tried to analyze my feelings, I realized that I have a very large compartment of feelings all their own for "going-to-church-with-social-anxiety" versus "going-to-work-with-social-anxiety" versus "dealing-with-people-due-to-social-anxiety". I used to think the "work" or "people" aspect of my social anxiety was the biggest. I'm figuring out, though, that church might very well be the biggest obstacle of all to overcome, and that there is more to it than meets the eye. And I'm not sure how to do it.

I've tried so hard these past few weeks to go over my therapy, read the positive statements, and fight off my automatic negative thoughts. And I thought I was doing better. I even felt better in work meetings. I felt better during interactions with people. I thought I had made progress.

And then Sunday came. And it felt as though all the progress I had made had been for nothing because I couldn't fight the onslaught of negativity that hit me head-on when I thought about going to church. Just thinking about going to church brought on feelings of despair, anger, depression and helplessness.

But I made myself go. Because that's what I do. And as I sat in sacrament meeting I had an overwhelming desire to leave. To never come back. To never have to deal with this again. And I have to say that if it weren't for the fear of losing my marriage or hurting my family, I would do it. I would walk away and never come back. Not because it's not true, but because it's just too hard to be there.

And I also realized as I was sitting in my if-I-had-my-way-this-would-be-my-last church meeting, that there was much more to it than social anxiety. Much more.

I mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I have been dealing with infertility for the last 4 years. We were late bloomers and married in our mid-30's, five years ago. Now I am only six months away from 40 and my child bearing years are diminishing right before my very eyes. We tried invitro, which ended in a devastating ectopic pregnancy. And just last month, we had to walk away from a 2nd attempt at invitro because the expense was impossible to meet.

And there I sat. In a sacrament meeting surrounded by babies. Everywhere I turned there were mothers and babies. And I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt cheated. I felt out of place. I saw before me, a hopeless future of dealing with this horrendous pain the rest of my life. Because we belong to a church that is all about babies. All about children. All about motherhood. And all about families. And we don't fit in. We don't fit the mold of a typical Mormon couple. And this would be our curse forever. And I didn't want anything to do with it.

I fought my way through the rest of the meetings and when we got home I told my husband how I felt. That if I could walk away and never go back I would, because it is torturous to be there. And I knew it would never change because that is the culture of the church. No matter how true the gospel is, the culture is made up of talks, activities, celebrations and discussions about babies, mothers and families. And we would never fit. And I wished I could take a few months off to get a handle on this, but in the back of my mind I knew if I took a break, I would never return.

So here I sit today, reviewing my thoughts and realizing there is so much more to it than dreading church because of social anxiety. It is also dreading church because of infertility. And yet it is all sweetly intertwined.

Social anxiety is based on the intense fear of being judged.

People with social anxiety do not want to be singled out.

People with social anxiety fear everyone is talking about them or looking at them, criticizing what they're doing or who they are.

I am infertile, in a very fertile church (so to speak)

I do stand out.

I am talked about.

I am pitied (and that's as hard as being criticized).

And the worst part is, there is nothing I can do to control or change it.

So I feel out of place, judged and insecure because I will never be like the typical LDS woman.

And I feel judged because I do stand out and will always stand out among the norm.

And I feel judged because I know people talk about me and wonder why we don't have kids

And I feel judged and insecure because the RS President shares personal stories with people and I know she has shared mine

And I feel judged and insecure because I know I will be asked for a lifetime why we don't have kids.

And I feel judged and insecure because I will always be the one who gets a flower on Mother's Day even though I'm not a mom.

And I feel judged and insecure and sad because I am pitied and no one wants to feel pitied.

I will never fit in. How can I? Even if I were to adopt I would still feel out of place because I couldn't share my birth story, which with Mormons, could happen at any given time.

Now I know the "everyone is talking about me" and "everyone is pitying me" statements sound a bit like a teenager, and I can admit that they aren't completely true or rational, but it's simply how I feel.

And with that, I will conclude my post. I have a huge obstacle to face and somehow overcome.

My social anxiety is intertwined with my infertility. And if I'm ever going to gain a love for going to church again and a desire to be part of a ward family, then I have a lot to figure out. And overcome.

• I need to somehow find peace and security in my state of fertility.
• I need to learn how not to compare myself to other people and how I do or don't fit the LDS mold.
• I need to find a way to separate my feelings of insecurity as they relate to infertility.
• I need to admit that my thoughts aren't completely true or rational, when it comes to how I think others are viewing me.
• I need to focus on the gospel instead of the culture of the church.
• I need to embrace the fact that I do stand out and will always stand out among the norm. And make that a blessing instead of a curse.

Trying not to dread Sunday

I've been so good at working on my social anxiety. I've made sure that I do the therapy every day when at all possible. The only time I've had to skip a couple days has been during vacation time when I haven't had any alone time. I am conscientious about doing it and have seen results.

This past weekend my husband and I took a trip to visit some family in a nearby state. I was hoping to feel at ease when participating in activities we'd planned, that in the past have been anxiety triggers. To my pleasant surprise, I felt at ease the whole time. And if I felt myself starting any sort of anxiety thinking (talking myself into feeling it because I didn't) I stopped myself successfully. It was a good feeling.

I did find myself having a little anxiety moment when talking with a family member after my trip, which kind of tripped me up (no pun intended), but I realized afterwards that I'd done a little self-sabotaging (the whole talking myself into feeling it because I hadn't during my trip thing). I know, it doesn't make sense. I decided not to dwell on it too much because I had done so well over the weekend.

But now I find myself in another quandary. Sunday is approaching. The old all too familiar feelings of "Sunday Anxiety", I'll call it, are creeping in. I have dreaded Sundays for so long, I don't know how not to. It's so much easier to dread it than to try to talk myself into feeling okay about it. I'm realizing this part of my healing is going to take a lot of work.

I'm trying to focus on keeping my negative thoughts out - specifically about going to church and all that comes with it - having to interact with the people and participate in primary activities and teach my class and interacting with my children's parents - but I'm finding it more and more difficult each minute I think about it. I know I'll bring on major anticipatory anxiety by doing that so I'm trying hard not to.

How do you talk yourself into liking squash when you've detested it for years? That's what it feels like to me. Saying, "You like church. It will be fine. It doesn't have to be unpleasant. The people are nice. You'll learn to like it." just isn't cutting it for me. I'm having a hard time. It's so much easier to keep on hating it than figuring out how to genuinely like it again. I wish I could call in sick.

It's Thursday night. I have two and a half days to figure it out. Wish me luck.

Learning to Relax

The most amazing thing happened to me this morning. I was finally able to completely relax. And it was life changing.

Part of the therapy is a relaxation exercise. It's about finding the peace and being able to take it with you out into the world. I thought it would be easy. I mean, how hard is it to lay down and listen to a relaxation CD that walks you through the process of relaxing and letting go? Well, to my surprise, it wasn't that easy. For me.

The last few times I've tried it, I have either not been completely comfortable or was not able to fully relax. Until this morning.

And I realized why.

It's not some life changing answer, it's simple. I was alone.

The past few times I tried the relaxation CD (which assumes that you're listening alone), my husband was either in the next room or lying next to me in bed. And although I told him what I was listening to through my headphones and asked him to please not interrupt me, I still wasn't able to fully relax. I found myself holding back, as if on guard for a possible interruption.

This morning, as my husband left early for an appointment and I groggily kissed him goodbye, I felt the pain of a knot shoot across my neck. Either I had slept on it wrong or the stress of yesterday had burrowed itself in my neck. I tried to go back to sleep but could find no comfortable position.

As I looked at the clock and decided I was definitely not ready to get up, I also knew I was not looking forward to a day with a kink in my neck. So I took a chance. I decided to listen to the CD (even though I had just listened last night), in hopes that I would not only loosen up my tight muscles, but find out if listening to the relaxation CD alone really made a difference.

And then...magic.

I got comfortable.

I turned on the CD.

I followed the promptings to relax my muscle groups one by one.

I listened to the words instead of trying to hear all that was said.

I continuously combated the to-do's, have-to's and don't-want-to's that flooded my mind.

And then somehow, I think for the first time in years, I subdued my alert system. The system that is always armed. The one that expects interruptions. The one that listens for noises. The one that listens for intruders. The one that promotes worry, fear and anticipation, whether rational or not. I don't know if it's caused by watching too many Lifetime movies, or a slight psychosis, but whatever it is, I don't think it's been unarmed for years. And although it took major-brain- redirect to disable it, it finally went down.

And at that moment, I felt lighter than I had in years. I literally felt like I was floating. I felt free. I felt peaceful. I had finally let go at a level I hadn't before. It was a feeling that I imagine comes with laying on a soft knit hammock under two shade trees on a warm, secluded beach, with the air filled with sweet blossoms and the only sounds, rolling waves and seagulls flying high above.

It took me there. Without the cost of a tropical vacation.

And as the relaxation exercise came to a close and the stresses boring into my neck had disappeared, I felt more peaceful than I had in years, and I drifted back to sleep.

What I learned:

• Real relaxation takes effort but is worth every bit of the effort you give it.
• Taking time for deliberate meditation every day will change you and your life.
• Meditation is much cheaper than a Hawaiian vacation but gives you the same results.

Negative thoughts beyond social anxiety

Something dawned on me as I was reading through the overcoming social anxiety therapy material, with regards to negative thinking.

All this time I was really focusing on situations or thoughts directly associated with social anxiety, i.e. dreading upcoming events, recalling embarrassment, fearing situations, fearing certain people, ...but then I realized stopping automatic negative thinking can do so much more than just help alleviate social anxiety.

Let me elaborate.

I really love my job but there are still days I wish I didn't have to put down the project I started or I wish I could just take the afternoon off to sit on the couch and watch a movie. But I realized that the way we think really shapes our opinions and outcome of many situations.

• "I don't want to go to work today" = annoyance and bitterness towards going to work and I end up having to go anyway, but now I have an ugly mood to go with me
• "I hate going to church" = dreading going to church every Sunday, anticipating the worst, and starting to dread weekends (insert ugly mood)
• "I hate visiting teaching" = major anxiety and never wanting to be part of it, physical symptoms of dread at the mere mention of it

The way we think, shapes our mood and often leads to an outcome that makes us feel even worse.

From what we think, we create.

(pretty good quote - I just thought of it)

Speaking of quotes, there is a very powerful quote in the therapy that says something like, once you get a handle on your negative thinking the balance of power in your life will switch.

That statement really resonated with me. The fact that I can reclaim the power over my life that social anxiety has taken away is not only hopeful, but very, very powerful. It's what I want and I will do everything I can to get it back.

Now with that said, I do have to share something I'm not very proud of, but something I am woman enough to admit. You know that upcoming meeting I mentioned a little while back that I was trying not to dread? Well, I won't have to dread it anymore because I made up an excuse not to be there.

I know, it's totally going against everything I'm working for, but there are times when even the best of us can't face the bully in the eye. The thoughts of having to introduce myself to a large group and participate in team building activities gave me nothing but a one-way ticket to psychoville. I thought about it every day and knew it might break me if I didn't get out of it. I just wasn't ready.

And although I am stronger than I was a month or two ago, and that I would probably get through it alive, I wasn't willing to take that chance yet. I was afraid that if I failed this test it would destroy me and all that I've worked toward. I couldn't face the prospect of a set-back like that. I need to be stronger before facing something so daunting. And I know it's avoidance, but hopefully I'll move forward to a place that when the times comes to face the bully again, I can face it head-on with my head held high.

Relief Society Pres update:

My relief society president means well (why is it that I always seem to start my sentences off with that when it comes to her?). She called and left a message the other night inviting me to a women's karaoke night at the church. I had to laugh because while her effort is so well intended, her understanding of my anxiety is so off the mark. Karaoke? hahaha. Never. In my mind I picture a cartoon entitled: "Social Anxiety Karaoke Club". And all you see is a stage and a microphone.

By the way, I'm still having a hard time practicing talking more slowly to people (in therapy it's called "slow talk") in order to control anxiety. It's not that it's all that difficult, I'm just not sure how to do it naturally. I still feel like I sound a bit like a slurry drunk. And not that it hasn't crossed my mind, because alcohol would certainly take the edge off (ha!), it's not really the "look" I'm going for. But I'll keep practicing! (minus the alcohol)

surviving a weekend away

This past weekend my husband and I spent the weekend out of town with my family.

This was my first time away from the security and structure of being able to do my therapy at home. And I'll admit, I began to panic.

The therapy exercises require a private place to read out loud every day. And I would soon be in a house surrounded by people with no way of having a moment of quiet time, let alone a place where I could read aloud something that would sound bizarre to an innocent bystander.

So in an effort to calm myself down and stay true to my commitment to therapy, I made a photo copy of my read aloud material to bring with me. With this effort, I hoped I would somehow find a quiet place to read over the therapy material, without missing a beat.

I have heard Dr. Richards say not to "freak out", for lack of a better phrase, if you can't do it every day. For one who is a little "all or nothing", however, the thought of breaking my pattern of daily therapy brought on major anxiety. If I had no way of doing it, would I fall off the wagon and never get back on? That was a real concern since I've fallen off the wagon before.

Well, I'm happy to say that even though I never had a chance to read the therapy this weekend, it's message was always in the back of my mind. Reassuring me and calming me. And even though I *tested myself once or twice (I'll explain more in a minute), this morning, back in the quiet of my own home, I resumed as though I'd never missed a beat. Whew! What a relief.

Okay, let me explain about *testing myself this weekend.

There have been times where, for whatever reason, a situation that would normally bring me anxiety, doesn't. And instead of just enjoying it, I sabotage it. I begin telling myself "What's wrong with you? You should feel nervous. This always makes you anxious. Are you sure you aren't starting to feel anxious? I think you are..." And then the nerves kick in because I called them back from the dead. Why? Because that's how my mind has worked for a lifetime. It's an old habit, an automatic pattern in my brain that I'm trying to break and my old habits are giving me some resistance. Because old habits don't like to change.

Did I pass my tests? About 90% of the time. I did have a little anxiety once or twice during a conversation, but I pushed through it. I felt good to at least be able to push through it, and that the episode wasn't debilitating.

And what that tells me, is that the therapy is working. It's kind of like diet and exercise. You may not see immediate results, but your body is gradually changing and one day when you least expect it, you'll see that your clothes no longer fit the same way and the scale has dropped. It's a good feeling to know that even though it's hard to see the gradual changes, I know I'm slowly turning in the right direction. By choosing to do the therapy each day, it is making an impact that will change my old thought habits and behavior patterns until one day it will be as if my social anxiety never existed at all...

Social Anxiety and Depression

In the therapy series, there are statements about social anxiety being accompanied by depression. After reading this a few times, I finally stopped and asked myself, "Am I really depressed and just didn't realize it?" I decided to do a little more reading about the association between social anxiety and depression.

Social anxiety is an intense fear of interacting with people due to fear of rejection, disapproval and judgement. I can say for sure that I am fearful of interacting with people in any type of social situation. On the surface, it's hard for me to tie it to the judgment, rejection and disapproval of others, but internally I know that's the basis of my fear. But the important question to ask, when trying to identify whether depression is also a factor, is whether or not desire still exists.

According to an article submitted to About.com by Arlin Cuncic, entitled Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression, I learned that having a desire to be around people, is what differentiates me from those with depression.

Let me put it this way. If I felt differently around people, would I still have the desire to be involved and around them? My answer is yes, I would. In fact, that is one of the hardest things for me about having social anxiety. I do enjoy friendships and interacting with people but I choose to stay away because of the seizing fears of being around them.

Let me quote from Mr. Cuncic's article, where he illustrates the differences between sadness and withdrawal associated with social anxiety versus depression:

Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression

By Arlin Cuncic, About.com Guide

Updated March 11, 2008

About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board

Social Withdrawal Differs Between SAD and Depression

"Imagine a young college student who wants to make friends and go to parties but fears that she will embarrass herself in front of others. As a result, she stays in her dorm room night after night, wishing she could be a part of the group. Contrast this with the student who avoids social contact because it's just not any fun to her -- the thought of going to parties or getting together with a friend holds no promise of enjoyment.

Although both SAD and depression may involve social withdrawal, the cause of the withdrawal is different. People with SAD withdraw out of fear of negative evaluation by others, while people with depression withdraw due to a lack of enjoyment. People with SAD expect that they could enjoy themselves if they could somehow interact appropriately with others, whereas those with depression don't ever expect to enjoy themselves."

This article made a lot of sense to me and filled in some missing pieces. It actually made me feel slightly better about myself and grateful I'm not dealing with depression. For me, it's not the desire to be involved that is missing, it's the ability.

Do I still feel bad, sad, left-out, a longing to be included, shameful, inadequate and down? Yes, I do. I feel all of those things. I hate missing out on activities and relationships. I hate that I fear the most common every day situations and I hate that I feel like I can't act like a "normal" person. And unfortunately, living with these feelings of inadequacy just fuels the fire for further social anxiety. It's a vicious cycle. But that's where turning away from negative thinking comes in. If you keep the ANT's away (automatic negative thoughts), you also turn away from those feelings of inadequacy, shame and sadness.

And if that's not motivation enough, to heal, you also don't want what could come next if you don't continue fighting social anxiety. According to Mr. Cuncic's article, "if you have been diagnosed with SAD, you are up to six times more likely to develop depression, dysthymia or bipolar disorder. The risk of developing these secondary disorders also increases in relation to the number of social fears that you have."

If you don't want to stay in a place of fear and sadness and possibly develop depression or other complications due to social anxiety, remain focused on turning away from your negative thoughts, keep up with your therapy (whatever it may be) and continue moving forward. All of this, along with a hope for a brighter future and a day when I can look back and see this time in my life as just a distant part of my past, is reason enough for me, to keep fighting.

Controlling automatic negative thoughts

A major obstacle in overcoming social anxiety begins with the ability to turn away from automatic negative thinking. That's what I'm really working on right now.

Every time a thought pops into my mind about dreading something or anticipating anxiety over something I quickly try to put a stop to it. I try to distract myself by repeating a rational thought statement and concentrating on an activity, singing a song or doing something else.

I have caught myself several times this morning flashing with dread upon an upcoming staff meeting. In a few weeks I have a large staff meeting where I will have to introduce myself and will very likely be put on the spot during other team building activities. Since I already know this, I'm trying to rationally prepare for it, while not turning it into an event I dread, with anxiety-filled anticipation.

As soon as it flashes in my mind, within seconds the old me says "I'll make up an excuse and just won't go"...and then the new me says, "Yes, you will go and you will be fine." It's a bit of a tug-of-war.

And when one automatic negative thought tries to take over, another comes behind it. My mind almost immediately starts searching out any other potential threats. For example, someone is teaching my class at church for me for the next two weeks. I know I'll have to give her something to thank her for it. That means I'll have to go to her house and drop it off. That means I'll have to talk to her when I go to thank her. As I write, I know how ridiculous it sounds to dread something as small as talking with someone, but I know I have gotten anxious around her in the past and now it is what I anticipate happening again. But I can't let myself anticipate that or it will pull me down and I will end up making it true.

I've got to figure out how not to dread things. Dreading only makes everything worse. Dread is the the hero of automatic negative thoughts because it not only listens to these thoughts, it celebrates them, builds them up and lets them dominate until the dread has left its thinker feeling completely hopeless and immobile.

I won't give into these lying automatic negative thoughts, but to do so takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of energy. It has to be a conscious choice. Every day I feel the work that is involved in turning my thoughts away from the negative anxious thoughts that come so easily into my mind. I can only hope that as I continue to turn away from these thoughts that it will become easier and I will begin to naturally turn away without as much energy or focus. That feels good. And so I continue on.

success!

Yesterday I had my annual performance review. All day I kept forgetting it was coming and then suddenly remembering. From peaceful to a punch in the stomach. I hate that feeling. The remembering part.

So all morning, every time I felt the grip of anxiety start to come over me, I would reassure myself that I would be fine. And amazingly enough, some of the positive statements from my therapy naturally popped into my head. It was relieving to realize the therapy is really seeping into my brain right where it's supposed to be!

One thing I have always known about myself, is that if I'm as prepared as I can be, it will help alleviate some of my anxiety. So I had prepared myself. I had written out a list of goals for the coming year. I had compiled a list of successes from this past year. I wrote out a list of things I love most about my job. You never know what they're going to ask you.

As I took the hot seat, I continued repeating calming, positive, rational statements in my head. As a mini wave of anxiety began, I replaced it with positive, rational statements. This continued all the way through the review. And to my surprise, I wasn't asked to share anything I had prepared. My boss did all the talking. I guess I'm used to my past higher level positions where it is expected to have those types of things prepared. Oh well, at least I walked out with a success under my belt!

Old habits are hard to break

The Relief Society President just left. I made myself go through with the visit, despite my anxiety. That alone is a huge accomplishment for me and I deserve a pat on the back.

Instead of really focusing on talking about my anxiety with her, however, I inadvertently lead the conversation in a different direction. I'm so good at that. And even when she directly asked if I've suffered from anxiety in the past, I found myself saying, "not really", and explained that even though I'm more introverted, it hasn't been a huge issue and that I really wasn't sure where it was coming from (um, if you're talking about 10 years ago!).

Anyway, I did try to explain that it's hard for me to have one-on-one meetings with people and sometimes in groups and that right now I just can't do visiting teaching. As she listened, she tilted her head and tried to understand what I was talking about...and maybe that was my cue. It was at that point that I proceeded to update her about my husband's and my inability to have children. Nice transition. What?

And although it was actually really nice to talk to someone about our infertility struggles, and she was very kind and offered some good suggestions on how to cope, I had skirted the issue I should have shared. And with her limited information, she concluded that my anxiety was related to the stress of infertility. And although on some layer there's probably some truth to that, I know my social anxiety stems from my past and I know I've struggled with it for years. But knowing all of this, I think in the back of my mind I also knew, that such a discussion might be better suited for a therapist, rather than a relief society president.

Near the end of our conversation, she asked about having our home teachers and visiting teachers over. I wanted to laugh out loud. I guess my small, distorted way of describing my anxiety in 5 words or less hadn't done the trick. She still didn't understand that's what I wanted to avoid. And how could she, unless she's really good at piecing together mysteries or reading minds? So I reminded her not to worry about that because it wasn't something I could do right now.

So in the end, as I closed the door, I wondered to myself if it was the right thing to have given her something more concrete like infertility, rather than asking her to try to wrap her head around all that is social anxiety. Because in the end, if she didn't understand, I'd be back where I started. And then I realized that's right where I am because I didn't give her a chance to understand. I'm way too good at that. It's an old habit to break, living with excuses and skirting around the truth for a lifetime. At least she knows there's some reason visiting teaching is hard for me, even if it's not the right reason. Hopefully it will buy me the time I need to work through the things I need to.

It's time for my therapy CD. There's still much more healing to be done.

The voice of truth

I love Christian music. It is uplifting and has reassuring, positive messages.

As I was listening to this song the other day, I realized the message is exactly what I needed to hear. It will be the song I play daily whether in my mind or over the radio waves, to bring me peace and reassurance and remind me that when negativity tries to creep in, that instead, "I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth".

The voice of negativity and anxiety is the voice of lies and defeat. It tells me to be afraid. It tells me I'll never be able to change and I'll never overcome this. That all is lost. It is the giant in this song. It taunts me and reminds me of all the times I've tried and failed and that I'll never beat this. "But the voice of truth tells me a different story...the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth."

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(click on the title to take you to the song; hit back button to return to this page)

Voice Of Truth

by Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes

To climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name

And they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"

"You'll never win!"

Chorus:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"

The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant

With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors

Shaking in their armor

Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name

And he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"

"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size

To put the giant on the ground

And the waves they don't seem so high

From on top of them lookin' down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

How social anxiety effects your job

To put it plainly, social anxiety has had a major impact on my ability to work. In the worst cases, people are unable to work at all, in other cases people force their way through each painful day, and for others, anxiety might be limited to specific situations like staff meetings, performance reviews, presentations, etc.

For me, what started out as a bright career path progressing upwards, has plummeted and flat-lined to a level way below my ability and earning potential. I remember the days when I first entered the job force after college. I was full of potential. I was driven and eager to learn. I worked hard and received praise. I was promoted. I was admired and respected. I was recognized as bright and able.

Slowly, as my social anxiety increased, my ability to get through every painful day decreased until finally I quit full-time work and haven't gone back since. It's been four shameful years since I've been able to hold a full-time job. The group staff meetings, one-on-one meetings, presentations, impromptu questions, the overbearing boss, were all too much for me to handle.

Six months after quitting my last full-time job, I tried to hold a part-time job. After about 6 months I quit. It was a small family owned business with way too much interaction for me. Lots of lunches together and invitations for parties and activities outside of work. They wanted us all to be very involved with each other and this brought on a lot of anxiety for me. After many creative excuses for why I couldn't go to things, and people always asking why I couldn't be there, it was time to walk away. It was too much for me.

These days, my part-time, low-level job is all I can do and even now I sometimes feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. In a way I feel like I'm holding my breath - that at any given moment it might be too much for me and one day I'll have no choice but to leave and never go back. But I won't give in and let my negative thinking completely enslave me, so each day I keep going. And somehow I get through the uncomfortable parts of my job. And while I am truly grateful to have the job I do, and the strength to do it, it's hard to feel the judgement and disappointment from my family.

My husband understands it is all I can do at the moment and even with him I feel a sense of shame and guilt that I'm not contributing more (because I know what I should be able to do). And then there's the rest of my family. It's both fortunate and unfortunate that we know our families well enough to know what they're thinking. And deep down in the truest part of me, I know what my family thinks (and who can blame them, with their limited perception?). They think I'm lazy. They think I'm unmotivated. They think I'm okay with barely getting by. And I don't know what is worse - knowing they think things that aren't true or knowing the truth about my social anxiety? I guess I've already answered that question because they have no idea that I'm suffering. And in some weird way I think my mind qualifies what I'm doing in their eyes because growing up I was often told that I didn't try very hard and only did enough to get by. I began to believe the lies; and as I believed them I owned them; and as I owned them it is what I became. So they shouldn't expect much more from me, should they?

So what keeps me going every day? The children I work with. Yes I still feel anxious at our daily staff meetings and yes, I shutter at the thoughts of performance reviews (speaking of which I have one this coming week, gulp), but for me, the children are the reason I can make it.

I love children. Children are healing for me. With children, you get what's real. If they tell you your lipstick is too bright, it probably is. If they tell you you're shouting, you probably are. And because they tell you like it is, you know you'll always get what's real from them. Not the quiet, layered judgement from adults. Children are the most real people on the planet. They are young and pure and haven't bridged the gap between sincerity and judgment.

My prescription for anyone feeling alone, down or unable: spend the day with a child.

And a quick update: the Relief Society President is coming tomorrow morning to talk with me. Of course I've thought of cancelling it about a million times, but each time I remind myself that I can't shut myself off entirely from my ward. Because #1 I really don't want to and #2 because I know I can't - because if I think I can - I will. And then I will be alone, backed into the corner where I entrapped myself; not because it's what I wanted, but because I thought it was necessary.

As for church today? Church is always a test of my strength because it's filled with wild cards. People who could talk to me at any moment. I am always glad I attended, but I'm always exhausted and relieved when it's time to go. I'm hoping that as I go through this therapy that I'll change my negative thoughts about church so I can fully enjoy it and everyone there. Our ward is full of kind, interesting people and I'm on the outside looking in. Hopefully one of these days I'll be inside too.

Social Anxiety Isn't Your Fault

A major lesson learned, as I thoughtfully listened to Dr. Richards' voice guiding me along my path to recovery, is that social anxiety isn't my fault. And it isn't yours either.

Now before you jump to conclusions and think this is about playing the blame game, read on. It is actually not about placing blame, as much as it is taking the blame off of ourselves, and putting it outside ourselves where it belongs.

Think of it this way: none of us were born thinking the worst of ourselves. We weren't born with low self-esteem. We weren't born thinking we weren't good enough. We weren't born thinking we were less than perfect beings. We heard it and learned it from other people. And as we learned it, we began to believe it. And as we came to believe it, we owned it. And through our ownership of it, it is what we became.

To realize social anxiety really isn't my fault gave me a sense of relief, self-acceptance and hope. I had never thought of it in that way, but it rang true with me and finally began making sense.

And although we may recognize one or more major figures in our lives that contributed to our having social anxiety and the depression that comes with it (the two go hand in hand you know; but that is for another post) it doesn't mean we need to focus on blame, which just fuels anger and resentment.

We are on a quest to heal. If we stay in a place of blame, we will only stay in a place of blame and why focus on something we can't change?

I didn't ask for social anxiety.

I didn't choose to have social anxiety.

But what I can ask for is help to overcome it.

And what I choose, is to be whole again.

Pushing forward

Since I last posted, I have done a couple of things.

First, as much as I tried to avoid it, I knew it was something I needed to do. I contacted the visiting teaching coordinator and Relief Society president to let them know I needed a break from visiting teaching for a while, both as a teacher and as a teachee.

I told them in an honest email, that I was experiencing anxiety in certain social situations and needed to take a break from visiting teaching and hope they understood. I didn't want to do it. I put it off for two weeks. I was humiliated having to divulge my secret shame to people in my ward. I have lived it before and didn't want to bring this baggage with me to my new ward. I knew, however, like I did in the past, that if I didn't acknowledge my need to take a break, I would only end up making it more uncomfortable and awkward each time I tried to dodge my visiting teachers or make up excuses with my current visiting teaching companion and teachees.

The Relief Society President emailed back and said she'd been through some things herself and wondered if I was up for a visit. Funny how a visit is what I've been trying to avoid. My instinct has always been to hide out and isolate myself, but I knew deep inside that if I did, I might never come out. So instead of isolating myself and turning away from a hand of friendship reaching out to me, I reached back. She's coming Monday to visit with me. I'm so very guarded about myself and especially about my feelings surrounding social anxiety. I'm hoping it will be a comfort to share my burdens with her and although it will be somewhat difficult to know how to express myself about these things, I do appreciate her gesture of friendship and caring.

I refuse to sit down and accept social anxiety as my permanent condition so I continue daily with the lessons and exercises in the therapy series. I'm still only a few sessions in, but I can feel the truth of what I'm learning. And more than that, I feel a connection with these truths to the gospel somehow and it rings true to my spirit. It is bringing to my mind truths I already know, about my worth. Truths that have been smothered by years of life, criticism and painful experiences. Truths that are peeling back the layers of remorse, pain, defeat, and regret; reminding me who I really am.

Two steps forward, one step back

Oh, isn't life with social anxiety just a bundle of surprises?!

Just when you think you might be moving forward something lays you flat on your back.

I have two words for you: Visiting Teaching.

For those of you who are not familiar with the visiting teaching program of the LDS church, I'll explain. The women in our congregation are assigned a partner. The partners are assigned a certain number of women (usually 2-3) who they are responsible for visiting each month. The visits are usually 1/2 hour - 1 hour long. The purpose of the visits are to check in with the women to see how they are doing, see if they need any help and share a spiritual message with them. It is basically a program to watch out for each other. When you see the way it is outlined, it's a wonderful program. For those of us with social anxiety, however, it can become a trigger for major anxiety every month.

I had a visiting teaching appointment on Wednesday of this week that triggered major anxiety for me and I'm sharing this as I work through it.

As I'm working through my feelings I realize visiting teaching in and of itself is just a way for women to take care of each other, to look after each other, and who have each other's best interest at heart. And I cannot forget that it is the Lord's design to have us look after each other and that He is the one who implemented the visiting teaching program.

If this is all true (which it is) then why do I cringe and become physically ill at the mere mention of VT and stay up at night worrying about the dreaded visit that must take place every month, both for me as the visiter and me as the vistee?

As I've mentioned before, visiting teaching is what threw me over the edge almost five years ago when I had the most horrific anxiety attack ever. And we all know how associations go...enter: Pavlov's dog.

With that said, now every time I even hear the words visiting teaching, instead of drooling on myself I want to throw up on myself.

Back to Wednesday's visit.

For the past few weeks I had been trying and trying and trying to convince myself that I would be able to be a visiting teacher again. I haven't been able to visit teach due to my major social anxiety around it, for the last 5 years.

Since moving into my new ward I figured it was like starting over and that I would be able to do it because I could be a new person in a new ward, leaving my demons behind me.

After being assigned to someone initially who didn't follow through on doing our visits, the VT coordinator reassigned me to a much better route. I thought it would be a safe one for me. No one was too overbearing or overly charismatic. Plus I figured since I started doing my therapy again that it might be different this time. I wanted so badly to be able to conquer this fear and be able to do visiting teaching again just so I would be normal.

Wednesday, 4/28/10. Visiting teaching day.

All day long I kept putting the thought out of my head that I had to go visiting teaching that night after work. I kept trying to convince myself that I would be okay. I vacillated back and forth a million times about my feelings, but kept convincing myself that I would follow-through and be fine.

As I finished my shift at work I felt relief wash over me that I was done for the day but almost immediately, I remembered where I had to go next and my stomach sunk. At that moment I almost called and told my companion I was sick and couldn't go. But then I reminded myself that I didn't want to keep living like this and I would go. I would be fine. I reminded myself that this girl was someone I would probably enjoy getting to know, and if nothing else, I was obeying the Lord's commandment to be a visiting teacher.

Well, you know how the story ends. I've become good at excuses. I've become good at avoidance. I've become good at shame and guilt.

From the minute I sat down in my visiting teaching partner's car I felt my anxiety heighten. I didn't know her very well and just the thought of having to get to know two people that night made me start to get anxious. I began battling the dread while trying to convince myself it would be okay.

We arrived at our visiting teachee's house. The lighting in her front room was fairly dim, and for me that is a plus. I know how to size up a setting and immediately diagnose whether it feels "safe". The dimmer the better. I even joke with myself that if I could wear a bag over my head or the visit could be done completely in the dark that I would be fine [I'm sure that gives some insight into where my fear is coming from]...but anyway, back to the story.

Our vteechee flipped on another light, which perked further evaluation of the lighting in the room, but when I realized where we would be sitting, my panic jumped to the next level. The couches were in very close proximity. A small loveseat was perpenticular to a chair. I would be sitting mere inches from her. I couldn't get away. She would see how red my face was getting. She would see my face contort. She would see how strangely nervous I had suddenly become. She would wonder what was wrong with me and why I was acting so odd. My body heat doubled.

That's when my protective inner self completely took over. I had to leave and I would figure out how. "Oh sorry," I said as I stood up from the couch, as normally as the next person, "I need to put my phone on silent. I'm afraid it might ring."

And as the two ladies continued their conversation and I held my phone in my hands, I knew I had found the answer. It was time to interrupt them. "I'm so sorry, I just realized I'm supposed to be somewhere right now." After a few questions and looks of disapproval from my companion, I rambled about how I was supposed to babysit someone's kids and I had forgotten.

I was embarrassed and kept apologizing and lead the conversation right to a halt by saying I really needed to go. It was humiliating. It was mortifying. But it saved me. The protector inside of me got me out just in the nick of time and as I walked out her door I knew I'd never be back.

It was a humiliating ride home. Inside I was thinking to myself that I'm not a flakey person. I would never forget to babysit someone's children. I am dependable and reliable. But now my companion thinks I'm a flake. Enter: shame and guilt.

I remembered the last time I visit taught and came home bawling to my husband, and how horrible I felt. I wondered, as I drove home, if I would act like everything had gone fine or if I would tell him the awful truth. I looked at the dashboard clock and wondered if my husband would be confused at how short the visit had been.

When I walked in the door, all it took was my husband to look at me and ask how it went. I didn't break down and bawl this time. I was more solemn and stunned. I couldn't believe it had happened again. I felt so defeated.

We sat on the couch and talked for over an hour as I tried to explain the shame of the evening's events and the complexity and senselessness that is social anxiety. I tried to explain about why certain situations trigger anxiety, while others do not. I tried to explain that getting up in front of a crowd was somehow easier than sitting one-on-one with someone, talking about myself. I tried to explain that it might be the fact that I couldn't face it if people really got to know me and didn't like me, so not letting them know me at all was easier and safer. I tried to explain so much, but sometimes couldn't even think of how to explain at all. I know he tried to understand and in some small ways I think he gets it to a degree...but I realize that if it's hard for me to explain it, it's even harder for him to understand it.

He talked about medication. I told him I didn't want that because of it's side-effects and the fact that you're not supposed to use it when you're pregnant and we're trying to have a family. I told him I needed to stick to the therapy, although if there is a chemical/physical component to all of this, would the therapy really work? I had to believe it would.

I told him I was angry with God for making me suffer through this, and all because I was trying to do what He wanted me to do. And then immediately I felt bad and knew that wasn't fair. It's not about what God should take away from me, it's about getting through it with His help.

I told my husband I would need to contact the right people at church and stop being a visiting teacher again. I just couldn't do it. And the thoughts of having to disclose this to people in my ward again made me sick. But having to face another visit made me even sicker.

There are times I just want to disappear. Move out into the middle of nowhere and never talk to anyone again. Be on my own where I just exist as I wish, with no stress or care. Once in a while I think of what it would be like to die so I wouldn't have to feel this anymore. Where every day wouldn't have to be a chore. But I wouldn't ever kill myself. And I know that I'd just take myself with me anyway, so what's the point.

It's a hard road, but one I have to continue down. I will continue my therapy on session two and write my way through it.

My story has to have a happy ending or it isn't worth reading.

Aha moment

I finally feel like a made a tiny break-through with my social anxiety as I've practiced my cognitive behavioral therapy from Dr. Richards (from the Social Anxiety Institute).

I'm still on session 1 to solidify the foundation. Since I hadn't been consistently practicing 7 days/week, I decided to stay a little longer on session 1 before going on to session 2. However, I did begin reading a handout from session 2 to use as my "slow talk" reading material. And it was while reading that handout that I had a life changing moment.

As I was reading about automatic negative thinking there were a few statements that stood out to me that suddenly put things into perspective. It went something like this: (this is not the exact wording) Negative automatic thinking always lies. It never tells the truth. It can fool you into thinking you're worthless. It can take away your self-esteem. It can make you feel hopeless and that you will never get better...but it can have power over you only if you let it."

My aha moment was simple. When those of us who suffer from social anxiety feel discouraged thinking all is lost, that we're worthless, that we're no good and not worthy of happiness, that everyone is judging us, that we should fear every situation, that we can't ever get better, who do those feelings and power come from? It all became clear to me. Satan is the father of all lies. If I give in to all this negative thinking, in a sense I'm giving into him. I am letting him lead me down a path of loneliness, sadness and defeat. If I let him hault my progression to accomplish amazing things, then I have let him win and I have not lived the life I was meant to live and I will not be able to accomplished the things I need to do. But if I stand up and say, "I am standing up to you and taking my control back. I won't let you have this hold on me any longer.", then I can win.

When I repeat the words of the therapy, I realize I'm really taking Satan's grasp off of me. I'm taking back my power. I'm not letting him influence the way I think about myself or the way I interpret the world or other people's opinions of me. I am a disciple of God and of Jesus Christ. I am not a slave to the devil. I will not let him have power over me any longer.

This is profound for me. I found a connection in this therapy to the real spirit inside of me and to the gospel of Jesus Christ of which I'm a part and I can feel my heart and mind start to heal. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but this really had an impact on me that is very healing. I am so grateful I found this therapy. That it's something I can do at home. That it's something I have made myself continue to practice so I can get better. I can already feel that a piece of me has healed and it will continue to spread until all of me is whole again.

One step forward, two steps back

I decided today that I could either hide behind a two-hour episode of what happened after the Bachelor and the Final Rose or confront the doozie of a social anxiety episode I faced on Monday.

I have to admit that it set me back a bit and I'm still trying to pick myself up.

And yes, I might add, I did fall off the wagon again and stop doing my therapy. All I ask is that you meet me where I am today and call it good. We all have our ups and downs.

I started the therapy series "again" last week. I once again decided I needed to be much more pro-active about helping myself heal. I completed the first session's assignments and wrote out a "stop statement" to stop my negative thinking and wrote out some pro-active statements to help me think about my situation differently. I've also been practicing "slow talk" as one of the ways to help keep me focused on calming myself. And I tried to refocus with distraction techniques to help keep the negative thoughts out.

I have to say first of all, that I was surprised at how often I had negative thoughts and secondly, how much energy it takes to stop them and take time to refocus. This therapy does take work. Mental work. Emotional Work. And it takes it every day. And because I've been living negatively for so long, it's kind of hard and I want to whine and say, "This is too hard! Can't I just get better without having to do this?"

The therapy is supposed to be done every day when you're alone and due to life's distractions, I ended up doing it about 3 or 4 days out of 7...and even with my lack of consistency I really did start to feel more hopeful.

And you know how it goes, you feel more hopeful, so you slow down on your determination to do the therapy because you feel like you're getting better...and it starts all over again.

Anyway, then came Monday. I knew my visiting teachers would be coming and I'd tried to push it out of my mind like it wasn't a big deal (but my inner voice, that blasted inner voice kept telling me I was really dreading it). I know I wasn't stopping my negative thoughts as fast as they were coming in. I was in an asteroids game without a controller.

So I decided to take a crash course in reading over my flashcards (stop statement and positive thought statements) minutes before they were going to come over (hahaha. ha.). Unfortunately, there are no short-cuts to healing. No Cliff's Notes for Social Anxiety Therapy.

So there I was, on high alert, reading the flashcards and battling negative thoughts while trying to keep a smile on my face saying, "it's going to be fine". And of course you can guess, it wasn't fine. The asteroids pounded me.

I had basically gotten myself into a state of anxiety as I rushed to prevent myself from getting into one. Bad timing. I got choked up during their visit, had to fake a cough, get water, thought about how red my face was, kept wondering when they were going to leave, meanwhile flashcard statements were bouncing around in my mind trying to combat the evil forces. Sorry little flashcards, panic won.

When they finally left, which couldn't come fast enough I might add, I was devastated. After all my hard work to heal and there I stood, back where I started...well, let's be honest, I felt I had fallen even farther back than where I started.

Today is a new day. And after the shock and awe of my downfall has somewhat subsided I realized one thing. The whole "after all my hard work to heal..." was hogwash. I did the therapy 3 or 4 days out of 7. Dr. Richards states countless times that consistency and repetition are key to healing.

Instead of following my inner voice to never have my visiting teachers over again, never be a visiting teacher again, never allow home teachers to come into our home and/or leave the church entirely; quit my job, never see anyone again and live in a dark cave, I've vowed to pick myself up and start again. I will do the session 1 therapy again this week every day so I can move on to session two. I really want to jump ahead, but I have to follow the steps if I'm really going to heal.

I can't keep living this way. I just can't. This isn't any way to live.

Here's to another week of session 1: Overcoming Social Anxiety.

Here's to healing.