Looking through a lens of fear

I just had an epiphany a few minutes ago as I was cheering myself on to go for a walk with someone tomorrow that I don't know that well.

It was like a lightbulb went off in the dark recesses of my mind.

For my entire life.
With everything I encounter.
Before I do it.
While I'm doing it.
And even after I've done it.

I live my life through a lens of fear.

For years.
For a lifetime.

My first instinct is a subconscious, automatic mental evaluation of every opportunity, every decision, every proposition, every situation and every person, through my Personal Fear Guage.

You want to go on a walk with me?
Ok, excuse me while I pull out my imaginary clipboard, complete with Fear Evaluation clasped to the front. It will just take a minute.

Pre-fear Evaluation:

Glasses on, pen cap off, clip board at the ready.
1) How much fear will this cause me?
2) Will I be able to handle that fear?
3) What could go wrong? How likely is it to happen?
4) Will I have an out?

Results: If fear threat is low, you can say yes, or just stick with maybe if that feels better at the moment and you can still cancel. If fear threat is high, trigger bright red flashing lights and booming sirens. It's a definite, non-negotiable NO.

Present Fear Evaluation:

If you checked 'yes' to the activity and you've actually gotten yourself there.
Self check-in
1) How are you feeling? Are you ok? Do you need some water?
2) Do you need to leave?
3) Any red flags, i.e. small confined spaces? Get-to-know-you-games? Group introductions? Chairs set up in circles? Round table discussions?
4) Are you still breathing normally?

Results: If fear is elevated in any area you are free to exit stage left, regardless of who might be watching, who might be offended or who might think you're just plain cuckoo.

Post-Fear Evaluation:

Holy... whew! It's over. Breathe. You did it. You lived.
Post-Activity Self-feedback
1) How did I do?
2) How did I feel?
3) Did anything go wrong?
4) Did I act stupid?
5) Did I act like I felt uncomfortable?

Results: Obsess over 1-5


This walk I'm speaking of, taking place tomorrow, should really be no big deal. I was even the one who brought it up to her in the first place, several weeks ago, on a good day, as a way to catch up.  It's just casual, I told myself. And then she scheduled it and all of a sudden it got serious like an 'appointment to walk'. I don't do well with things other people tell me I have to do or appointments that loom over my head like storm clouds.

So this morning she texted me, still on for tomorrow?
Hmmmm… I let the text bubble bounce for a while, trying to decide how to respond, little did I know my Pre-Fear Mental Evaluation was already in process.

At the end of my subconscious eval, I was at a 'maybe'... heading to 'cancel', but knew I'd better sit on that before responding. So I had some head talk, Remember you wanted to take a walk in the sunshine and thought it would be a nice way to reach out to her? Take advantage of this opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy the rays and a little convo. It's not a big deal. So I said yes.

But evidently there was another part to my evaluation that I missed, like a doctor's office with those double-sided pages you didn't see. Even after the yes, my mind reviewed more detailed fearful possibilities, specific to the proposition at hand: Will it be awkward? What if we don't have anything to say? What if I have a panic attack and can't catch my breath while we're walking? What if this was all just a big mistake?

And so I'm trying to push it in the back of my mind, because it's tomorrow.
Could I still cancel? Yes.
Will I? Probably not.

But you see, I realized in this earth shifting moment, that this is what I do with EVERYTHING that is placed in front of me. And as my whole life flashed before me I went, Oh yeah, I totally do that. My mind has always automatically raced with all the negative possibilities. I don't remember ever FIRST thinking, Oh hey, that would be fun!

As we get to know ourselves better, I think we can begin to better evaluate our behavior and try to make changes.

Because of this little epiphany, I will consciously try not to go to the negative place first, and instead try to see it through a positive lens first. Who knows, it might make all the difference.

Can God take your Social Anxiety away? One LDS woman's perspective

I'm coming from a much better place than my last post. I actually just edited it and you can read it to see why.

I let myself fall the other day.
I took a leap off the side of a mountain to see if God would catch me.
And He did.

I have a new calling (aka a new assignment or role in our church congregation) to serve with the teenagers in our congregation. It was very intimidating for me to accept this role because it was unfamiliar and I knew it would mean a lot of social interaction.

With all new things I encounter, I push back a lot. My first response is often to say no before I even really understand what I'm being asked to do.

I felt a lot of push and pull within myself - I wanted to say no, but I knew somewhere deep inside I could and should say yes. How could I really put myself out there for these kids and adults I was going to be serving with if I was so protective, closed and afraid? How would I even be able to talk and interact with them without having an anxiety attack?

With God's quiet voice of encouragement leading me on, I said yes when they asked me to serve in this calling. But even after saying yes, in my heart, I resisted. It was like I had one foot in and the rest of my entire body out. I couldn't commit myself to being willing to open up and be vulnerable to whatever may come.

I knew I was resisting, I was fighting it, and I logically knew if I just gave in and trusted Heavenly Father, He would help me. But fear persisted instead of faith - how could I really know I could believe Him? If I let go of my fears (my blanket of protection) and put myself out there, I could completely humiliate myself and never be able to face these people again. I knew until I was ready to have faith, I wouldn't be able to open myself up and be ready to give, all that God knew I had to give.

So I jumped.
And I survived.
(applause!)

And not only did I survive, I actually feel better and more optimistic in my life than I have in a long time. The heaviness of fear and trying to protect myself with all my might has lessened and although I still have my major moments, I trust Heavenly Father in a new way than I ever have before because when I jumped, I felt Him catch me.

Do I still have social anxiety? Oh yes. And sometimes it's worse than others. And sometimes I have panic attacks that no one knows about and I have to excuse myself to catch my breath because I feel like I'm having a heart attack.

But the thing is, the night I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me let go of my resistance and to promise to help me if I put myself out there, like really promise, like for real promise, like "I'm going to jump off this cliff and I'm going to trust you to catch me" kind of promise, He did.

He didn't let me down. He did what He promised He would do. And I was more scared to go to that first meeting than I have been about anything in a while but I went and I could feel His presence with me. Instead of the blanket of fear I'd wrapped tightly around myself for so long, I felt Heavenly Father's love and reassurance around me and I knew that I could do anything.

And this is new for me, but having faith over fear is the best thing I've tried in years. 

The visiting teaching / ministering bamboozle

This blog isn't a place to complain about Mormons, because I am one, and I'm not here to speak badly of our church or its members. Truly. Having social anxiety is hard, but having it as a member of the LDS church is even harder because the social piece is so big. This blog is a place I share my feelings from time to time, about how hard it is to have social anxiety and how I try to navigate this life within our church.

A reader commented in an older post about how badly it feels to "be someone's project". I whole-heartedly agree and I would add, "nothing feels as bad as insincerity." You either like me or you don't. You either really want to visit me or you don't. I've always had a hard time with visiting teaching because it all feels like an obligation instead of a sincere gesture.

2/14/19 - I edited this post because - I'll tell you why as you read...

My original post talked about how I felt like I'd been mislead into having my visiting teacher come over (now called ministering sister), by using my soft spot for her little daughter. Kind of a bait and switch, if you will.

But I have to tell you, what I wrote really bothered me. For a long time. Because I felt like my negativity was coming from such a judgmental place that it wasn't actually helpful or constructive, it was more destructive than anything else.

After reading my post over, not only did I realize just how crazy paranoid I sounded, like every woman with relief society callings was out to get me, but I also realized I was looking at someone from a very negative place and not giving them the grace that everyone should be given.

Yes, this person came over and maybe used her daughter to bridge the gap with me, but why couldn't I just take it at face value instead of turning it into some crazy story of manipulation and intrigue?

I think I was really just bamboozling myself.

Social Anxiety can make us look at things in a very paranoid way. When I feel insecure, in a mad dash to protect myself, I instinctively lash out. I realized all the anger and paranoia I was feeling toward this poor woman, was just a coping mechanism - a way to protect my own insecurities.

It took me 5 months to see this clearly. If you read the previous post, I apologize. You got a firehose of my own insecurities and paranoia.

If you're reading this today, I hope you can see that the way we react to things is because of our own feelings and insecurities and much less about other people.

I just need to live on the moon

I realize I haven't written about my social anxiety in ages (yes, I still have it) but yesterday at church pushed me over the edge and the "horrors" of yesterday have been swirling around in my head.
I need to get them out.

All the changes our church has been making lately are pushing me further and further into a corner. What used to be more of a passive experience, i.e. come to church and participate if you want to while the teachers teach, has become a much scarier place for hiders like me. Now everything is a discussion. Everything is a council. We have more small group teacher trainings. More participation. Different room layouts to promote conversation rather than passive participation. It's zeroing in on the one instead of letting us bleed into the background. I don't like it. It makes me really uncomfortable (as if I wasn't already).

I think often, if it weren't for my calling in primary, and my husband, it would be too easy for me to opt out on Sundays because of the social angst I feel every time I'm there. I finally told my mom the other day that I really don't like going to church and that I go because I know it's the right thing, instead of something I really enjoy. I was surprised that she wasn't shocked, but she doesn't really understand the whys.  I've never told her about my social anxiety because I would feel way too judged. She's a harsh critic.

I often wonder though, as I see my husband actually smiling during church, how it would feel if being afraid of all the people wasn't part of the equation? Would it be uplifting? Would it be something I looked forward to instead of dreading?

Ok, so back to yesterday. We found out that the last hour of church we would be meeting all together for a special council. I told my husband, before we even knew more about it, that if we were sitting in semi-circles, I would leave. ha! And if there was even a hint of small group discussions I would leave. For real.

When my husband came to the primary room and told me there were 3 rows on either side of the gym facing each other, I was tempted to run to the car. I decided I'd see what it looked like before fleeing, because I can get a sense of how "safe" the room feels just by seeing how it's set up.

It was strange to be sitting facing each other. Let's be honest, totally weird, but because I could opt for a back row, I stayed. They kept telling us the reason we were seated that way was to promote discussion. Discussion? I almost left, if it weren't for my back row dwelling where I felt a little more protected.

And it would have been a perfectly fine hour if it weren't for the bishop starting to call on random people to participate. I was already at defcon 3 because of the invasive room set-up and unknowns, but once you get some random call-outs, it shifts to defcon 4.99 (5 being the worst if you haven't seen War Games).

I kept thinking if I sit with my head down, he won't call on me. And don't worry, he didn't. BUT the problem was, I was afraid he might call on me the entire time, so add up that stress level! I wanted to leave so many times but kept thinking for the sake of my husband I needed to stay.

So....the end of the discussion was finally upon us and I finally felt the inklings of relief as I pictured myself running heading to the car awaiting any food at home that could take me back to my happy place, when the person sitting next to me invited us to dinner. What?!

Me: hanging on to the cliff by a fingernail.

Luckily, I had dinner cooking at home (for real) so I politely declined, and said we already had food in the crockpot. I felt horrible for saying no. She said, maybe next time. Now here's the thing, this woman is wonderful. She is one of my favorite people at church. She's very kind, has a great family, and is very warm and friendly. In an alternate universe I would have said to heck with what's in my crockpot, we'd love to join you for dinner...but in my universe, I will now have to A) avoid her like the plague, B) never talk to her again, or C) never go back to church. Sorry to tell you, there will never be a dinner.

Well this experience, of course, haunted me the rest of the day. I kept reliving the moment when she slowly turned to extend the invitation and I pretty much slapped her in the face with my crockpot. I kept trying to read her expression as I declined and hoped I didn't offend her because she's a saint. Why, why did you have to extend the meal card??! Such a kind gesture for someone who will never accept.

I was utterly defeated as I finally drove away from what felt like the longest 3 hours of my life. I let out a sigh that probably sounded more like a low growl and my husband asked if the primary kids had been that bad? I laughed and said they were the best part...and then proceeded to rant about the set-up of the room and how I thought the bishop might call on me and how it stressed me out that we'd been invited to dinner and...how in the end, I guess I just needed to live on the moon so I could be alone and never have to deal with the stress and anxiety of people again. 
And I meant it.

Why am I more afraid of Mormons? Social anxiety plague

I am a Mormon...who is afraid of Mormons.

What? Ok, I'll let you in on my thought process.

Lately I've been wondering why in the world I'm so much more anxious around other Mormons? Why does talking to them feel like I'm in an interview with the Bishop when they just want to know how my weekend was? Why do I pop and weave down the hall like I'm the target in a Mormon game of dodge ball, trying to avoid any contact?

I have social anxiety so I stay away from most social gatherings and make it a point not to bring attention to myself, ever - in life, not just at church.

I have a job that requires me to interact with people on a regular basis, but since I know these people and we usually talk about them instead of me, I'm okay day-to-day.

If I have a work-related meeting or social gathering, I want to die and dread it forever-and-a-day and it is pure agony to attend. It pushes me over the edge of my safe zone, big-time and I'd give anything to not be there.

But the intensity of non-Mormon interactions and socializing, while completely painful, paralyzing, and hide-in-the-bathroom-inducing, only breaks the surface. With Mormons? It's at def-con 5 (if you watched War Games, you know that's bad). Why in the world is this the case??

Do you feel like this too?

Let's look at Mormons
Mormons are some of the nicest people you will ever know.
They are friendly, kind, giving, honest, trustworthy, helpful and compassionate.
They are trying to be like Christ, and strive to live standards of purity and integrity.
They try to help others both in their wards and community.
Mormon's are great people to be associated with.
I feel safe around Mormons because I know what they believe, know what their standards are and know I can trust and count on them.

So why are they the very people I do anything to avoid??

• Is it my perceived expectations? (I know I can't live up to what you want me to be or do - don't ask me to give a talk, participate, have home teachers over, do visiting teaching, etc., so I need to stay away from you so you don't ask?)
• Is it that I feel I can't measure up? (You are "doing all the right things" and I'm out in left-field by myself picking grass)
• Is it the occasional self-righteous attitude some can put off? (How nice that you're sharing the gospel with people on airplanes and that you're not afraid to open your mouth... I'm scared of people and never want to talk to them, and the only thing I'll open my mouth for is refreshments)

I'm totally perplexed by this at the moment. It's like, I know what they know, and that's somehow intimidating to me. It's like they can see into my soul when they're just asking me how my job is going.

I'd love to know your thoughts. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something...

Truth be told about my social anxiety

I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I'd better start spilling them out of my head so they don't start a traffic jam. There's only so much room in there.

Since I wrote last, I have since outed myself about my social anxiety to my RS president, and am of course, having 2nd thoughts about it. She kept calling, so I finally called back because we all know they'll just keep calling (or stop by. Eeeek! That would be much worse). And of course, once she and I began talking, all my fears came true when she announced that she had a newly revised visiting teaching schedule with my name on it. The nightmare continues.

I began my routine speech with, "Oh, I guess so and so didn't mention to you that I need to take a break from visiting teaching for a while..." Then I finally dropped the small talk and just came clean. Instead of tip-toeing around about feeling uncomfortable in social situations or telling her I'm dealing with anxiety issues, I just laid it out: "I have social anxiety, so vising teaching for me is a nightmare."

She said she was surprised that I had social anxiety because I was, in her words, "so cute and nice and seemed very outgoing." I figured as much. No one really guesses that about me. I always try to put on a happy face even when I'm dying inside.

What she said next actually surprised me. Her mother struggled with social anxiety for years and she knew what I was talking about.

What? Someone who actually gets it? I felt a huge relief that I hadn't shared my secret in vain. And I totally thought she got it! Her mom had it! She knew what it was like! She also said she had known someone in her ward who struggled with SA and helped her go to church bit by bit. First through the sacrament, then next through sacrament meeting, and so on.

But as our convo went on, I began to feel more like a project, as she told me about how she helped that other sister come out of her shell and begin coming to things. I wanted to scream, "This isn't about finding someone to help me "get over this" AND it's certainly more than just needing to come out of my shell!" I've always hated that phrase. It sounds so weak and timid.

And then I was all at once discouraged and embarrassed and wishing I hadn't even told her. I didn't want to be viewed as someone who needed a friend to sit by and an invitation to go to things so I didn't feel alone, in order to get-over-it. It's not about that and only someone with social anxiety can understand it. I told her I was fine and she said, "But it isn't good to be alone." She made me feel so stupid. She obviously had the wrong idea. I'm not a shut-in, timid, scared mouse hauled up in my house all day lady! I have a job, I have a family, I have co-workers and friends. I have a life. I just hate going to church because you people won't leave me the heck alone!

----------------------------------------------

Fast forward to today. This past post was written 3 weeks ago and it still enrages me.
Church has been HARD!!!!!
My old visiting teacher pretty much ran me down in the hall 2 Sundays ago to say, "Call me! We need to get together!" Obviously she hadn't spoken to the RS President who was taking me off her list, but I still said, "ok!" (forced smile)

The next week, that same visiting teacher saw me in the hall and looked the other way. I guess she'd heard the news. I'm off her list. Did she know about my anxiety issues? That's the danger of telling the RS president. You really don't know what she shares and with who. I felt even more stupid that she ignored me on purpose probably because she didn't know what to say. The visiting teaching game is so disgusting. "I'm totally your BFF while you're on my list but when you're not I forget I know you!"  Which BTW, the other visiting teacher has ignored me to my face every single time I've said hi to her at church since our "visiting teaching walk". She's so dead to me.

And to top this all off with whipped cream and a cherry, they've started closing the overflow area to the chapel where my husband and I usually sit, making everyone "scrunch together" on the benches. I'm SO out-o-here!!

This makes me so mad that I probably sound like I need to attend anger management courses, but it's pushing me over the edge people! Not only do I A) feel controlled to sit where they make me, B) feel claustrophobic having to squeeze on a bench with random people but C) I have an allergy to perfume that makes me feel sick and the chapel is full of it.

Two Sundays ago we sat in the hall. That's fun staring at the carpet for over an hour.
The Sunday after that we had the primary program, so we only had to sit on the squished bench for a little while (I hated every second of it) and then I was up on the stand (where I had a major anxiety attack, by the way, and wanted to run out like my hair was on fire. I'll write about that later).
And this past Sunday we opted out of sacrament meeting and showed up for the 2nd half of church, so we don't know if it was closed or not. My bets are that it was.

It is so incredibly frustrating. I'm hanging on by a limb, barely making it to church and the shrunken chapel effort is pushing me further away. Any time they make people squeeze together and sit by each other (which they used to do in my old ward's Relief Society) it makes me livid. Let me sit where I want to sit! Why does everything have to be controlled? Unity isn't achieved by sitting uncomfortably close to each other!

And while I'm on a rant, our Home Teachers want to come over (no thank you), and there's a meeting for our primary this week and the presidency approached me asking if I was going to attend (again, no thank you). She made the mistake of putting me on the spot and asking me to tell her more about myself and I began turning red and choking out my answers. Now I'm A) for sure not going to the meeting and B) made a mental note not to ever talk to her again.

It is exhausting to feel this way. It's exhausting to fight all of this over and over again. I seriously need a sabbatical.

Tune in next time for: Panic Attack at the Pulpit (well, I wasn't really at the pulpit, I was by the pulpit but that was close enough!) Ha!

And then they start closing in

Church started 15 minutes ago.
...and I'm either blogging in the back row during sacrament meeting, or at home on my computer feeling guilty for not being there...you decide.

It's always the little things that get me on edge. I intended on going today, but the Relief Society is on the prowl, so I'm opting out.

Delusional? Paranoid? Probably a little of both (ha!) but after two calls from the RS (1st from the secretary last Saturday at 9:30pm - seriously?) and then again yesterday from the President, they're definitely not giving up. I guess the Pres had to take matters into her own hands since I didn't call the secretary back! Sorry, I'll stop grinning. It's such a crazy game of cat and mouse.

They want to visit me and talk to me about visiting teaching. Get in line. Get a number. Get a clue.

In case you're late to the party, in my last post I shared that I opted out from being a visiting teacher at the moment, tho I decided to try having them over for a non-traditional "walking-while-visiting-teaching" visit.

In a nutshell? If I'm being honest, it felt totally forced and awkward. The ladies meant well (don't they always?) but when they arrived, it was almost as if they were scared to enter the front door. It was like, "Ok, we're here! We're trying to act like this isn't weird! We won't bother you! We won't even come in! Let's go for our walk!" AAAAWWWWKKKKWWWWAAAARRRRDDDD

BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then the ironic thing? Neither one of them contacted me again all summer (not that I minded!), and one of them acted like she'd never seen me before when I said hi to her at church. You're dead to me.

I just got an email from the other one last week. Not sure I'll even write back.

WHATEVER!!!!

So now my poor husband had to go to church alone and I feel horrible. When I told him I wasn't going this morning, he was disappointed, but said he "understood" even though he really doesn't understand.

He tried to joke that I was afraid the RS Pres and secretary were going to corner me and I'd have to sneak out, and even though he was trying to lighten the mood, I finally told him I didn't want to talk about it anymore because all it was doing was making me feel bad and more stupid.

And when you say it all out loud? It sounds even more ridiculous than it does in your head. But the pain is real people!

It's the look on his face and the big sigh when I say I'm not going that cuts like a knife. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I didn't put him in this position. If wishes were fishes. I never really understood that saying.

So in order to avoid another Sunday catastrophe next week, I guess I will call the RS Pres back this week, to explain AGAIN that I'm not up for visiting teaching (such an uncomfortable conversation and why I have to keep having it I'll never know!) and while I'm at it, I might exnay on the visiting teachers. I mean come on, how many more awkward VT walks can a girl take?!