You're courageous: LDS women and men coping with social anxiety

Thanks so much to all of you for your comments and letting me know you're out there! It makes me happy to know we're all in this together!

Things have been surprisingly low-key the last few months. We didn't end up moving, but man, the anxiety it caused me was MAJOR when I anticipated all the changes that would have followed with a new ward, etc. If we had ended up in my sisters ward I would have seriously lost my last marble. We're still looking for a new place though, so the nightmare isn't over yet, just postponed.

Work
Work has been surprisingly ok too. We even had some big changes and a HUGE meeting at work with lots of people and mingling. I worried about it in the back of my mind for a while before it came, but I was too caught up in the things we were working on to worry as much as I usually do.

It was seriously like an out-of-body experience. I knew I couldn't avoid this meeting, so I hit it head-on - talking to people I hadn't seen in a while, meeting new people. It was like I flipped a switch and became someone else. I was shockingly a million times better than I ever have been at a meeting like that. It still feels like it had to have been a dream or something, but yes, it was me, and I was 90% socially normal. Shocker.

The meetings coming the next several months are another story. I know they'll be worse, since I was told there will be some "fun team-building games". I'd gladly kiss someone with the flu to get out of that one.

Church
I had a few patches during the summer where either we were out of town or I didn't want to face it, but I've been trying really hard to go consistently. Truth be told, it's still hard, but not as hard as the first day back after not going.

I almost didn't go today but knew breaking my momentum would just make it harder to go back and it's hard starting over. I feel like a member of AA, "It's been 3 weeks since my last sacrament meeting...".  Like I've said before, it's hard on my husband when I don't go, so I know I have to go, even if it's just for him sometimes. And when I did get there today, some girl looked me up and down like, "What are you wearing?" and I thought - people like you are the reason I don't want to be here! Now she's on my yuck list.  Then later, a lady I used to like said something about my calling that felt much more like criticism than a comment, and I wanted to scream "You're lucky I'm here at all!!!"

You are courageous
As hard as it is to face dreading people and social events all day every day and especially Sundays, you need to pat yourself on the back for forging ahead, in spite of how hard it is. Whether you know it or not, your strength making it through each day makes you a very courageous person. Facing something really hard and getting through it every day, even when it feels like dragging yourself through tar, is a huge accomplishment and something you should be really proud of. Because believe it or not, my sister found "another way" to handle social anxiety that is hurting her more deeply than the anxiety does.

I've written about my younger sister before. She shares the same dreaded social anxiety, but lately handles it by not handling it. She hasn't been to our church (or any church) in years and has turned to alcohol to suppress her anxiety. It has reached an all-time low the past couple years - she can't even be around us (her siblings and parents) without a few drinks in her.

It's the one of the saddest things to watch your sister stumble and slur as she puts on an, "I'm acting totally normal!" facade, while we all watch with sad eyes at the drunken train-wreck unfolding. It makes me sick. I want to scream,  "I know what it's like to feel like you can't make it through when anxiety grabs you by the throat and chokes you, but please find the strength to make it through - you're only fooling yourself!!"

It's not like I haven't thought about it before - more in a "what-if" kind of way of  - what it would feel like to take the edge off before a meeting or party. A friend of mine used to drink before every party for that reason. Later in life, when he decided to get back on the right track, he told me how hard it was to "re-learn" how to be social because the alcohol had numbed that anxiety for so long. I won't let myself go there - I continue to hold strong to my values because not only do I know what's right, I know it would only bring more difficulties and heartache. Exhibit A: my sister.

For those of you who have found yourselves in this predicament and are having a hard time coping, I'm sorry. And I'm not judging you. I'm congratulating those of us who make it every day without it. Because each day is a mile-stone. Each Sunday you make it to church is an accomplishment. And the times you don't make it? Brush yourself off and think back to the times you did make it, and try again.

Social anxiety leads, I follow

I'm always drawn back to blogging when my social anxiety begins to bubble over. The thoughts that overwhelm my mind need somewhere to go or they'll just keep swirling around in my head, leaving me 1 bus stop away from crazytown.

The truth is, I thought I'd gotten better. But it's probably because I've mastered the art of avoidance instead of actually conquering social anxiety. It's been pretty peaceful for the most part. I've narrowed down what I'll do at church to a minimum to avoid too much distress. I've narrowed down what kind of risks I'll take at work to keep things as predictable as possible. I've narrowed down my social circle and social activities to stay as small as possible for maximum peace of mind. But the reality is, that the world is much bigger than my narrow, small place, and it has begun to creep in again and I feel myself starting to get rattled.

So What's the Big Deal?
In a nutshell, I'm freaking out because we have to move and that means starting in a new ward (possibly in my older sister's ward - aaahhhh!) AND I feel pressure to get another job because we can't make ends meet. It's keeping me up at night, people!!

New Apartment/New Ward
So many things stress me about about this. How can we move (everything's astronomically expensive)? Where is "the right place"? Is it safe and quiet? And of course, starting a new ward = Choke Hold! I almost can't breathe when I think of welcome talks, new people, or even worse - people I know that I didn't know were in that ward!, new callings, visiting teaching, new home teachers.....do I tell them I'm a freak and don't want visiting teachers?...yadda yadda yadda...you know the drill. It's enough to put me in the hospital.

Sister's Ward
And if all that panic wasn't enough, I keep feeling drawn to live in an area that would put us in my older sister's ward. The older sister who would squish me like a bug. She is everything I'm not - outgoing and very involved - heading up committees, volunteering for things, pick me, pick me, pick me! I kind of go into a pre-coma-like-state thinking of what it would be like in her ward. She has no idea how withdrawn I've become as far as church is concerned. In and Out. That's my motto. I just imagine all the things she'd volunteer me for, or ask me to participate in, or embarrass me in Sunday School or Relief Society, or make fun of me after I give my welcome talk (she has a habit of doing that "all in fun"). Thinking of being in her ward shreds what little sense of self I have left, into a pile of dust. Poof.

And then on the other hand, the little angel on my shoulder says if the Lord is directing us there, is it because my sister could bring me back from the dead (so to speak), and her "over-activity" will actually draw me out of my stupor and I'll finally feel involved, part of a ward family, and happy about being at church??......?? ......?? hmmmmm it's a stretch Charlie Brown. Is being in her ward really what the Lord wants us to do? Really? No, really????

I told my husband yesterday that this whole process of trying to decipher what the Lord's telling us, as we drive from apartment to apartment and struggle to know the right area to live in, feels a lot like playing the hot-cold game. You feel yourself getting warmer and it feels like it might be the right area and then it gets colder so you turn another direction and begin looking as it gets warmer, warmer and then colder, colder. Ugh! It's messing with my head!

The Job
The next big thing chipping away at my psyche is getting another job. The truth is, the thoughts of getting a new job where I have to learn a new skill and interact with new people every day for 8 hours is about as stressful for me as going in for brain surgery.

For a very long time I've felt a lot of guilt about not getting a better job so we could afford a home, etc. since my husband hasn't finished his eduction or gotten a job that can support us.  I'm a very educated woman without the emotional ability to work at a job that pays what I'm worth. It makes me sick. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel awful that my family and husband don't understand what holds me back and probably just see me as lazy. It makes me angry that the financial burden falls on my shoulders since my husband hasn't been able to provide adequately.

When I think of getting a new job at a higher level of expectation and pay, I think back to all the horrible moments at other jobs that almost broke me. All the jobs I quit because I couldn't handle it after so long. I don't think I can do it again. It's like a protective voice is shouting, "Oh no, I won't fall for that again!" Social anxiety continues to stifle my potential, my abilities, and keeps me in safe jobs instead of successful ones. There is no money in that. Just pennies, want and guilt. I feel so trapped and debilitated.

Is Hoping Enough?
I feel like my life is out of my control. Social anxiety controls me and everything I do. It holds me back in so many ways I've lost count. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Push myself into things that I hope won't break me? Hoping doesn't make it so. Hoping that by changing my circumstances and pushing myself that I suddenly won't have social anxiety? That doesn't make a lot of sense. Truthfully, I just don't have the confidence that it wouldn't be as bad or worse as other bad moments have been. I learn from my mistakes and protect myself from them happening again. Why should things suddenly be different?

Sometimes I daydream, that in a new place I could just start over and be whoever I wanted to be. I could act like I was a friendly, outgoing person who attended all the activities and fake my way through it like an actress on stage. But I wonder how long, realistically, that would last before I withdrew back into myself?

I wish I could snap my fingers and be a different person. To feel unafraid for one small moment.

I'm not sure what will happen in the coming weeks, but we'll just keep moving forward and seek the Lord in all of our decisions. Even if I don't trust myself sometimes, at least I trust Him.

My drama-filled dialogue

Wow. Sunday was a big day for me. I had to be involved in something that brought on MAJOR anxiety. I mean the kind that makes your heart beat out of your chest and you think you're going to faint when it's your turn to do your thing.

My thoughts were racing as quickly as my heart. I could feel my face getting red. As I sat waiting for my turn to go up, I weakly attempted to talk myself down from the wall with "thoughts of ocean waves rolling in"....no, that's not working..."a field of sweet-smelling flowers"...attempting slow breathing techniques...but in the end reality took over. Who am I kidding?? I'm in the middle of relief society and have to get up in front of everyone in about 3 minutes. There's not an ocean or flower big enough to calm me down! And then it was my turn.

As I stood in front of the group, fear gripped me around the throat. Usually when I'm in front of people doing my thing, the anxiety eventually reaches a peak and then starts to die down, but the whole time I felt breathy, trying to breathe normally as my throat closed up and I had to keep swallowing or I'd choke. Thoughts raced through my head, "What if I pass-out? No, that can't happen. Wait, yes it can! I've seen people do it on tv! Just breathe!" (such drama-filled inner dialogue).

But luckily I didn't pass out and made it through but oh. my. gosh. it was exhausting. I was still a bundle of nerves when I was done. Oh the inner woe! No one in that room knew doing my part nearly killed me. Like for reals.

In the church hallway, my husband asked me how it went and I replied, choking back a laugh, "It went pretty well" knowing that when we got in the car I was going to unleash the monster. And I did. I don't think I stopped talking the entire ride home, spitting out every last obnoxious detail. Kind of like I do here. ha!

He was kind of stunned and didn't really know how to respond. I mean how do you respond when someone blurts out such nonsense a mile a minute... "I thought I was literally going to pass out and my heart was pounding and I thought I was choking and I didn't know whether I could make it so I tried to think of the ocean and slow my breathing but nothing worked and then it was my turn and I felt totally freaked out but I finally made it through and lived to tell" kind of lunacy. Poor dear. He has to listen to this whenever I do something that pushes me over the edge.

And when I finally got home, not only did I want to eat everything in sight, I also wanted to go to bed and sleep for 1,000 hours. It sucked me dry people. The rest of the day was a blur.

I'm reminded again and again every time I have a panic attack / social anxiety attack how much our thinking affects us. I know it's all psychological. My mind knows it, but I haven't figured out how to connect that to my body. Hopefully one of these days I will.

Why I eat chips on Sunday

I just got home from church. Yes, I made it today. (loud cheering)

But I'm not gonna lie. I sped walked to the car (the door didn't have time to hit me on the way out) and the whole drive home all I could think about was what I got to eat when I got home. Getting there and surviving a whole 3 hours at church?! This girl gets a reward! It's so sad. They also call it e m o t i o n a l  e a t i n g. :|

But man, why is it so painful every week?! Aaahhhkkk!! I'm trying to do what's right and hope that it will get better and sometimes it does (like I mentioned after attending the temple), but some weeks are very difficult and the road ahead seems very long.

It's like a job I can't quit.
That sounds so wrong, but it's how I feel.

A word that comes to mind is torturous. Going to church really is weekly mental torture for people like me with social anxiety who don't like to share, who don't like to read aloud, who don't like to get up in front of people, who don't like to contribute to discussions, who don't like to socialize, who don't like working in groups...it's all the things we fear.

I love feeling the spirit of God fill and touch my heart. It's not the gospel that's difficult. It lifts me up and brings me such joy. I love sitting through sacrament meeting and feeling the spirit. I love having moments where I gain new insight and inspiration. In sacrament meeting there is no fear, no worry, only peace. I can soak up all the goodness of what's around me instead of wondering if I'll be called on, talked to or have to sit in a circle to share. It is the lack of fear that allows me to just be and it feels so good.

But as sacrament meeting comes to a close, the fear engages and I know I have 2 more difficult hours ahead. How I wish I could simply be a fly on the wall to feel God's spirit and love, and continue learning the beautiful things of the gospel...while remaining unseen and unnoticed.

I know other people have challenges that are probably much more difficult in other ways than I do, but this really is hard. I see my life ahead with these same feelings every day and it's hard to face. It makes me want to curl up in a ball. How I wish the Lord would take this difficulty from me. It has changed me so much. I feel like I've lost much of who I am because of it. I look back in time and almost don't recognize the bubbly, enthusiastic person I once was. Now I just try to keep to myself so no one breaks into my safe zone.

And that, my friends, is why I eat chips on Sunday. Or ice cream. Or cake. Or anything I can to reward myself for making it one more Sunday.

Now please pass the Doritos, we have home teachers coming in 15 minutes.

The Power of the Temple against Social Anxiety

I hope you all survived the holidays...you know what I mean, socializing, parties, and more parties. Did I mention parties?
"I want to stop by and drop off a gift for you"
"Are you coming to the work party?"
"Are you coming to the ward party?"
"Are you coming to the relief society party?"
No, no, no and no.

Luckily I made it through and hope you did too!

Before I jump into how the temple has helped me with my social anxiety, I just want to say to all my readers, whether reading for yourselves or to help you understand the ones you love, that I thank you for your heart-felt comments. It warms my heart to know that by sharing my story I have helped someone else and I'm grateful for you and want you to know I have a special place in my heart for my readers and have such hopes for your success to conquer social anxiety and be happy.

With that said, let me share with you something huge I found that helped me rise above my fears and constant cycle of struggling to go to church: Going to the temple.

Now before you revolt and say, "Go to the temple? Are you kidding me I can barely get myself to church!" Please stay with me because believe me, I GET IT! You don't even want to know how hard it was for me to go to the temple in the first place.

A couple of months ago, I felt like my husband and I should go to the temple (evidently I was not in one of my weaker SA states). We committed on a day to go and I was totally gung-ho about it. I knew it was something we should have been doing consistently, but I'll admit, it also was a big source of anxiety for me that I tried just to block out.

Do to the sacred nature of the temple, I won't go into details, but participating in the ordinances there means you are actively involved and participating and therefore, exposing yourself to possible episodes of anxiety because you are out participating and not sitting at home.

I was all set to go. As the day grew closer I began giving myself pep talks. And then the day came. But as my husband began to get dressed in his Sunday best, it all went downhill. I had a major melt down and told him I didn't think I could go.

Luckily, my husband is as sweet and kind as they come, and said we didn't have to go if it was making me feel this anxious. Inside the battle raged. I knew I needed to go and I had to put my faith in Heavenly Father that if I did this good thing that He would help me get through it.

So we went. And He did.


Excerpt from Come to the Temple (an official church publication):

The temple endowment ordinances enrich in three ways: (a) The one receiving the ordinance is given power from God. “Recipients are endowed with power from on high.” (b) A recipient is also endowed with information and knowledge. “They receive an education relative to the Lord’s purposes and plans.”  (c) When sealed at the altar a person is the recipient of glorious blessings, powers, and honors as part of his or her endowment.

We have been taught that we can receive power from on high if we attend the temple, and if anyone needed power, I did. Power to overcome. Power to persevere. Power not to be afraid. And I received it.

By attending the temple I was reminded why I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was reminded about the love of the gospel. I was reminded why I live the way I live and commit to the things I do. I was reminded about all the good and beautiful things about this church of which I am part. I was reminded about my commitments, covenants and promises and the blessings I am promised if I keep them. And I felt good.

And the next day was Sunday. And as if by magic, I didn't have ANY thoughts of not going to church. What?? I know, believe me, I was just as surprised as you are. I felt powerful. I felt connected and committed in a way I hadn't in a very long time. Thoughts of not going to church were non-existent and I went to church and felt myself begin to get stronger.

And not only do I believe that going to the temple helped me see going to church in a whole different light and take the struggle with going/not-going away, it also helped me in other areas of my life like going to work. Meetings didn't seem as anxiety-producing. Other situations that would have made me want to run and hide didn't affect me as much. I had received the promised power and I couldn't deny it.

As with anything that is connected to receive power, one must continue to "conduct" by going to the temple. In time I've noticed that doubts have begun to creep in again and not going to church once again "becomes an option". I know it's time to go back to the temple and to keep going so my power doesn't have time to fade.

It's miraculous. I hope you find the strength to go to the temple, despite how anxious you might be about it because you will receive power, as is promised. And the wonderful thing about going is that you are not only helping yourself, but others who can't do the work for themselves. It doesn't get better than that!

"So come to the temple - come and claim your blessings." Come to the Temple, Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, (2002), 1–37