Fear of Home Teachers: a confession?

I may or may not have played Angry Birds on the ipad hidden in the bedroom when the Home Teachers decided to stop by yesterday.

I'll leave you guessing on this one. But I'm pretty sure you know the answer. It was one of those days.

4 Tips for Easing Social Anxiety in Mormon Women

I had no idea it had been over a year since I posted. My how time flies! The same way Sunday shows up without warning every week. (wink!)

Hearing from one of you dear readers in the midst of a struggle, tugged at my heart strings. There are days when it hits us so hard. There are times we can't possibly see a way out. We watch hope slip away until it's so small it disappears.

It is at those times it helps, even a little, to know we're not alone. There are other people who feel just the way you do.

I would like to share 4 things I've learned over the course of this year that have helped me along the way. Has my social anxiety been cured? No. Drat! But have these things helped? Yes. And I hope they help you as well.

Accept Yourself, quirks and all

One thing that has helped me is to accept myself as I am, right where I am. Worrying about how I don't measure up to everyone else, or how I don't fit the description of what being a good Mormon is, does me no good. Focusing on accepting myself as I am, right where I am? That works. 

• I don't like going to parties or social events, and that's okay. 
• I don't go to enrichment, and that's okay.
• I attend church as much as I feel I can, and that's okay.
• I may turn down a calling or talk assignment if I'm not up for it, and that's okay.
• I may be quiet in a group, and that's okay.
• I'm not comfortable volunteering to feed the missionaries, and that's okay.

You get the picture. It's okay to be who we are, quirks and all. Even if we would like to improve or overcome certain things, we should accept ourselves as we are, right where we are. We wouldn't say to someone else, "It's not okay to be like that". So we shouldn't say it to ourselves. We are doing our best with what we have and what we know.

Your effort is good enough

Thank goodness Heavenly Father isn't like Dr. Phill who tells people just to, "get over it". The one person we always have on our side? Heavenly Father. He knows us individually. I've had my own experiences and have seen other people's experiences, that make that undeniable.

The Lord knows your struggles with social anxiety. He knows how hard it is for you to go to church. How much it pains your heart not to be able to go. Does that mean He gives you a free pass never to go back? No. (drat!) Just kidding. But your efforts, no matter how small do not go unnoticed by Him. He is the one person who truly knows your heart.

My new mantra is a quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley:

“Try a little harder to be a little better.”

(General Conference April 1995)

Did he say, "Get over it!!"?? No. He acknowledges our struggles and simply tells us to try a little harder. Do a little more than you did last time.

Little strides. That is doable for me.

The Lord knows our intentions. He knows we would be at church if we could. I've missed many Sundays because of my social anxiety. But I've also made myself go, even when it was difficult. Whatever you are able to do, whether you only attend 1 meeting or stay for all 3, the Lord appreciates and acknowledges your effort.

And remember, like attracts like. If I stay away for weeks, it's easier to stay away for another week, and another. If I go back one week, I'm more "able" to go back another week and another.

If you go three weeks in a row and have a set back? So be it! It will be harder to return the next Sunday, but what's important is that you're improving.

Small strides.

Priesthood Blessings

Telling my husband about my social anxiety opened a door for me. Even though he doesn't really understand how I feel, he can sympathize with me. It hurts him to see me unhappy or struggling.

There have been many times when my anxiety takes over and I don't think I can go to church or go through with a calling I've been given.

It's in those times when I need more power than I have alone, to overcome my anxious feelings. And I ask my husband for a priesthood blessing. It has always pulled me through. Always. A peace washes over me and I can repeat the words from the blessing in my mind and picture the Lord standing beside me.

If a Priesthood Blessing becomes a Saturday night ritual in order to give you power to get through Sunday? Let it be! The Lord doesn't limit His connection with us. We're the only ones who can do that.

Callings

I know you're going to think I'm crazy to say this, but having a calling helped push me "above" my anxiety. 

Are you sitting down? I was called to be a Relief Society teacher. (Gasp!) I know. Complete insanity. But you know what's more insane? After taking time to think it over, I decided I would accept it. I would do my best and if it was too much for me, I'd ask to be released.

Oh the agony! Oh the distress! The first time I taught I thought I was going to pass out. I would be the first teacher in the history of Relief Society to either collapse in a heap or run out of the room and never come back.

But I lived to tell. And not only that, but the spirit in the room when I taught that first lesson was incredible. I felt lifted up beyond myself and my own short-comings and shared what the Lord wanted those women to hear.

The Lord lifted me above my anxiety to bring to pass His work. It was difficult, but I've never felt such pure inspiration as I did while I prepared and taught the lessons. I felt my social anxiety dim. I felt more confident. I was able to go to church more often. I even felt its effects in my personal and work life. Not to say I didn't need countless Priethood blessings (they were my saving grace), and after a year I did ask to be released because it did become more than I could do, but it was an experience of trusting in the Lord, that I'll never forget.

Am I telling you to ask to be a teacher? Heck no!
What I am saying, is by accepting a calling to serve, *in whatever capacity you feel you can, it will not only give you a reason to be at church, but you will be deeply blessed, in more ways than you know.

I have been given a new calling. One that requires me to be in front of people, but is more doable than teaching. Yes, I have called in sick. Yes, I still have my set-backs. But I know the Lord will help me as I give my best effort, because He's proven that to me time and time again.


Hoping these bits of wisdom I've gained over the past year can help you as well.

Excuses: Social Anxiety's best friend

Do you know how many excuses I've made in my lifetime, in the name of social anxiety?

After yesterday's 5,999th excuse to the question, "Are you coming to the ward party?", I realized how tiring it is.

Each excuse has to be realistic. Each excuse has to be believable. Each excuse has to be different enough that no one catches on.

Them: Want to go to dinner?

Me: No, I'm sorry, I have to work late.

Them: Are you coming to the baby shower?

Me: No, I'm sorry, I have to pick someone up from the airport.

Them: Are you coming to the ward party?

Me: No, I have a family event that night.

You name it, I've probably used it. Anything to get out of a social event.

And now I'm faced with my first big work meeting. I've got to think of something. And it's got to be good. And it's got to be long-term.

Them: Are you attending the work meeting?

Me: No, I sorry I can't. I have a long-standing appointment to give blood every Wednesday.

haha No, that won't work. But I'm sure I'll come up with something. I always do.

Post Scriptum:

After I walked away from this blog post, thoughts were running through my head. Something didn't sit right with me. And all at once I realized what it was.

"Excuses is just a friendly word for lies."

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Now I realize why it's such a heavy feeling. Whenever I make an excuse, I'm actually telling a lie. And since I've become so good at it, it makes me a good liar. And since I feel really bad when I lie, it makes me feel really guilty.

Ah the cycle of despair. How is it justified?

Heavenly Father knows what I struggle with, but does He also condone lying because of it? I think I have to block it out for now. And I have to hope that He does understand. And maybe as I work to try to rise above all of this, it's part of turning weaknesses into strengths. It's hoping that some day I'll go back to being a really bad liar, with no recent experience.

Say yes to drugs?

I've been wondering about drugs lately. No, I'm not talking about "taking drugs" in a creepy way, although I have heard that drinking will take the anxious edge off. And I'm not gonna lie, I've daydreamed about what it would be like to take a quick drink to calm my nerves, but only for a millisecond. And no, don't worry, it's only a daydream. One that I need to quit innocently entertaining.

I'm talking about prescription drugs for social anxiety.

As I was driving home from work yesterday, after a long day of trying to figure out my new role at work, an annoying co-worker, mean customer, and worrying about upcoming events, I felt the heaviness of the day. And of course, the heaviness of my life, which never seems to leave me. I couldn't help but wonder if some of it was from writing about my social anxiety again. Did writing about it stir up old feelings that were fine just where they were? Whatever the reason, in that moment I wondered if all of this would feel lighter if I were taking something prescribed for social anxiety?

I mentioned in a previous post that I had tried medication, but it had side-effects, the bedroom type if you know what I mean, and I didn't want to deal with that. I've been told there are other medications that might help with anxiety, without the same side-effects, but I'm afraid of trying them without being monitored by a physician. Let's just say I know someone who can get me some. And it's not a drug dealer.

Would a drug help balance my imbalance? Is it worth the side-effects?

Something to ponder.

10 months and one day later

Yes, it really has been that long.

Does it mean I'm cured and this social anxiety blog is now a thing of the past?

Unfortunately, no.

Do I still dread going to church but continue to go anyway? Yes. But I hope the fact that I'm still actively attending church counts for something.

Why did I disappear? I think at some point I found that by writing about my social anxiety, I was focusing too much on it, and it was somehow making it all bigger. So I stopped writing and thought maybe if I did, my social anxiety would silently slip away. But it didn't. I'm sure there's some psychological explanation to all of that.

To go back over the last 10 months and examine all the times I've experienced social anxiety would be silly. Yet even as I write, my brain is scanning the archives.

In a nutshell, I've lived through countless home teaching visits (almost 10). Some a little more anxious than others.

I cancelled a dinner with a nice couple the day of, and pushed off another invitation from another. In one instance it was a little justified, in the other case it's with someone I would love to get to know. But I can't face dinner with random families. Little do they know it's killing me to be that rude and I'm not that kind of person, but honestly, it's too much for me. I try not to make eye contact when I walk by them at church.

The RS president is still on the prowl but has eased off a bit. Maybe it's because I never return her emails. Maybe it's because she finally got a clue? Nah, that might be too optimistic. Isn't there a point when your affection goes unreturned that you finally realize it's not you, it's me? I guess with her, time will tell.

A few big events have happened during the last 10 months. I promise I won't go all 301 days, but here are the highlights, or lowlights. Call it what you will.

#1. I accepted a leadership calling in my ward.

For women with social anxiety in the LDS church, taking a leadership calling can be

devastatingly scary, for lack of a better word. We know what's coming. Meetings. Activities. Friendships. Sharing. Sharing. Did I mention sharing? I quite often try to explain to my husband just how much LDS women share/over-share. I know they mean well (why do I always have to excuse them?), but for me, in my anxious state, it's suffocating. Men don't share. I consider them lucky.

I was asked to serve in an auxiliary leadership position. When the bishopric member asked to meet with me I knew what was coming. And for an instant, I thought about never calling him back because I didn't want to meet with him and I certainly didn't want another calling. Often, my answer is, "I won't ever call him back and then I'll just never go back to church again." But that's not going to happen. So after all the mental scurrying, I met with him.

And it was just as I thought. After he extended the call, I asked for time to think about it, which I never do. All my life I was taught to just accept it. But this time I couldn't. I needed a moment.

My life had been going fairly smoothly. I had a job I enjoyed and could handle. I had safely eluded the RS president. I had secured my sabbatical from visiting teaching. I never attended extra-curricular church activities. I had created a safe space. Now my perimeter was under attack. Could I handle it?

I wanted to say no to the calling. But at the same time, since I teetered on never going to church again (every week), I knew it might be the one thing to save me. An actual reason to go to church instead of relying on my wavering will power, weakening like the calm after a storm.

I decided I would pray about it. I'll admit, my prayers often weren't very deep. I didn't often cry out to the Lord. Sadly, my prayers, although heartfelt, were often a short, bedtime ritual which without, made sleep restless.

I looked up talks from the Ensign online, targeting phrases like, "whom the Lord calls, He qualifies." Because if I was going to accept this calling, with all it's social interactions, I was going to need to know for sure that the Lord would qualify me for the work and somehow suppress my anxiety. Visions of meetings and personal questions and talk of visiting teaching went through my head. What would I say when they asked me who I visit taught? Which so often comes up in mormon womens' conversations.

A talk that stood out to me strongly, Rise to Your Call by Henry B. Eyring, gave me great hope and assurance that the Lord would stand by me as I served and that I was called for a reason. Through this, other talks I read, prayer and asking my husband for a blessing, I received an answer. The Lord would stand by me if I served. So I said yes. It made a difference knowing I had the Lord's support, not just saying yes because it's what I was supposed to do. I couldn't risk that.

And so far, I'll admit, I'm not immune to moments of stress and anxiety, but I can see that I have received help as I serve. I have been able to do the things I've been called to do. I have been able to attend my meetings. And that, for me, is a milestone. I've still had moments where I needed to walk in the bathroom and breathe or exit stage left for a drink of water during church, or excuse myself from an activity, but for the most part I have persevered. So I will continue to serve. With anxious anticipation.

#2. I have visiting teachers again.

Before you stand up and cheer, let me stop you mid yelp. It's not what it sounds like.

Remember my never ending battle with visiting teaching?

[Just search visiting teaching in the "search this blog" box and you'll get a load of reading material.]

Well, I thought I was in the clear. Months ago after my horrific anxiety attack during a visiting teaching visit, I asked the RS president to take me off the list. I needed a break from teaching or being taught while I dealt with my "anxiety issues".

It worked for a little while but the RS President, not to be defeated, emailed me asking to visit with one of her counselors. To quote, "You've been on her mind a lot lately." Oh great. I don't want to be on someone's mind. Why is she wondering about me? I don't want her to wonder about me! And wasn't I clear the 15th time I told you I needed a break from visits?! Rrrr! Still gets my blood boiling. She didn't get it. And I was feeling attacked. I never wrote her back.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago. The ward announced we were having a visiting teaching conference during Relief Society and all sisters were to come. How awkward would that be for me?! Exit stage left. I suddenly had a previous engagement at another ward. Bu bye.

I'm sure due to the conference, all the visiting teachers came out with a vengeance, excited to get to work. And that's when I got the email. From my new visiting teacher, very eager and excited to visit me. And you'll never guess who her companion was? The RS counselor, who's mind I had been on just a few weeks before. Can you say conspiracy?! Okay drama. But that's what it felt like. I knew I'd been set up. I was her project.

I'm not gonna lie. It ruined my morning. I ranted and raved about how the RS pres clearly didn't get it and how in the bleep did I get put back on the VT list!?! Had I spoken in hieroglyphics?! I said NO. And I thought no meant no. No?

So I closed the email and worried about it all week. What would my response be to her? What did she already know? Did she think I was the RS counselor's project? Did the RS Pres fill her in on my "situation" with all her inaccuracies? She was a very nice lady in my ward. I didn't want her to feel like I didn't like her. I couldn't believe I was faced with this again and each time it felt even more humiliating.

At the end of the week I finally emailed her, after drafting a few different versions. My husband listened as I searched for the right words that would be articulate so as to eliminate any confusion (if that was possible).

I decided the truth was the best option. No too much truth, but not to little as to give her blanks to fill. I came out and told her I was dealing with panic attacks, that I was not comfortable having visits and that she was welcome to email me the message. And the most insightful moment, for me, was in my final sentence. "It's nothing personal against you, it's just personal for me."

So true. For some reason I found great strength in that sentence. It felt empowering.

She wrote back thanking me for my honesty. And although it was humiliating to know that now one more person knew my situation, it was a load off my shoulders.

#3. I accepted a promotion at work

Who Moved My Cheese? A book about dealing with change. Did you read it? I didn't. But I'm sure if I had, I would have found myself in every chapter.

I don't like change. Unless it's good, of course. Even then, I feel like I have a hard time adjusting.

Things in my life were going along fine. I had the whole summer off since I worked for a school and was pursuing a few other things during this time off and loved every minute of it. As I look back, it may just have been one of the best summer's of my life. The freedom to manage my own time, enjoy time with family and pursuing my own interests was a dream. I felt so free.

As my dream summer was coming to a close, my anxiety grew. Work would begin again. What would that first day back be like? What if we had to go around the room to meet new staff? Often it's the anticipation that nearly kills me. Too many what if's. Not enough what is.

I threw around the idea of calling in sick for the first day. Um, no. Show up late? Couldn't do it. Do drugs? hahaha, but no. So I went to the first day back to work and it was completely relaxed. All that worrying had been for nothing.

But just as I was feeling like lucky Lucy, my manager asked me to apply for an assistant manager position. He said I would be really good at it. It paid more. Had more hours. More responsibility.

Everything inside of me screamed "NO! I like things just the way they are! I don't want to change! I don't want more responsibility! Why mess with a good thing? I can handle my job right now and actually enjoy it. You're ruining it!" Okay, so my self-talk is a bit like a toddler's tantrum, but can you blame me? I couldn't face the thought of this change. At least my job was something easy. Something comfortable. I didn't want the rug pulled out from under me.

And so I stewed. And it would have been a mighty good meal for as long as it cooked, but instead, it turned into a big old pot of worry. I emailed my manager and asked him about the position. The one thing that truly haunted my mind? Staff meetings. I had horrific anxiety episodes during previous staff meetings at other jobs and knew I couldn't handle that. He said as far as he knew, staff meetings weren't part of the job.

So with much trepidation, I filled out the application. And secretly hoped they wouldn't even call.

I knew I'd have to step up and lead meetings, train staff, be a spokesperson.

I knew I'd have to step up and be a strong involved leader.

I knew I'd have to step up and do a lot more face to face in general.

And they did call. And I had to interview. It had been a long time since I'd interviewed. I thought my heart might implode inside my chest and then explode all over the panel. But it didn't. I was actually pretty calm, considering. I don't know why I've always been able to pull it off at interviews. It's like I'm having an out of body or something. At the end, I walked out and wondered if I even made sense. But at least I survived.

And then began the nonsensical pleading. "So what if I don't get it?!" I screamed to the universe, "Please don't pick me! I don't even want this!"

I had nightmares. I had periods of panic. I had moments of anger that I had to be doing this anyway.

But I guess the universe knew better, or, maybe Heavenly Father knew better. He knew I could handle it. Because I did get the job. And I have been able to handle it. For the most part. I still have nightmares, lose sleep, and have mini panic attacks when I can't get work out of my head, but I'm hanging on and trying not to slip off the edge I'm standing a bit too close to.

The real kicker? I found out during the interview that my position will have to attend the big staff meetings. I've "gone around the room" in my head a million times. It's enough to stop me in my tracks. Send me screaming out of the room. Quit my job and run away and never come back. I've got to stop thinking about these pending meetings because as I've said, the anticipation is enough to kill me.

Well that's 10 months in a nutshell my friends. I'm sure my brain will unwillingly push through the wreckage and find more to share.

I haven't gone back to my therapy again. It sits in the box gathering dust. Not that I don't think about it. I'm still afraid somewhere in the back of my mind that if I start listening to it again, I'll start focusing on my anxiety again, and it will start to get worse. I know, it doesn't make sense. It's the alcoholic thinking that by attending AA they'll only want to drink more, when it's actually there to help them stay sober.

I think what I've actually done is scale my world down so small that I'm in a safe zone.I avoid the things that cause me too much anxiety, make myself do the things that I can barely handle, and then come home and lock the door. I don't want to mess with quiet. But I know my thinking isn't rational.

The truth is, my world can get bigger. And it can get better. I just have to believe that it can.

Survived another Sunday with social anxiety

As you can see, I lived to tell about today's church, home teaching and tithing settlement activities.
Just thought you should know.

Church was fine. I'm always hoping no one will talk to me. Saying hi is fine, a word or two is fine, but please don't stop me in the hall for a chat. Luckily, Primary saves me from being too available for that sort of thing. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I'm hiding in Primary. It's a safe haven. Since it's all about the kids, teachers are never asked to contribute. They're hardly ever called on or put on the spot. And I'm more than fine with that. I'll sign on for a lifetime Primary calling, thank you very much.

Anyway, I tried to push thoughts of home teachers and tithing settlement out of my mind all day. But of course once we got home it was all about looking at the clock to see how many minutes until they get here...tick, tock, tick, tock...and figuring out anxiety reducing seating arrangements and optimal anxiety reducing lighting, etc., etc. (We socially anxious are very high maintenance you know) haha! Luckily my husband is very understanding and lets me do whatever ritual I need to do. And although I never expressed the anxious thoughts and dread I had been feeling over the home teachers coming over or the tithing settlement meeting, he was lucky I was there at all, right?!

Moving on. The home teachers ended up being late. Ha! Isn't that always the way? As I watched the clock and mentally bit my nails, I wanted to scream,"This is why I hate home teachers!" but I didn't. I just smiled and said maybe we'd been forgotten. Which was actually my backwards wish that I instantly took back because I knew it would mean holding on to the dread another week. No thanks. But they ended up coming late.

And shocker of a lifetime, due to their schedules, they could only stay about 15 minutes. I'll take that any day. I did experience a few moments of anxiety. They asked us questions and suddenly I felt heat shoot across my face. I wondered if they could tell. I thought, "oh, no, here I go again." Somehow I spoke through it. Maybe it was the false sense of security from the "optimal anxiety reduced lighting" ha, ha. It hit me a couple times over a 15 minute period but I had to push through it, even though as I spoke I wondered if they could see the anxiety all over my face.

I survived. Next came tithing settlement.

Luckily, there was no one else waiting in the foyer when we arrived. That's another fear of mine (what does that make it? #3,683?) that we'll be trapped into socializing as we wait for our appointment with the Bishop. To my relief, we went right in. And the Bishop, as always, was very kind and really cares about the members of our ward. I kept my answers short and positive. Kind of like when you say what they want to hear, but mean it? Luckily he didn't bring anything up and we didn't offer. I'm guessing he has heard from the RS pres that I'm having a rough time, of sorts, and may know of our situation with not being able to have kids, but I wasn't going to bring it up and I was very thankful he was sensitive enough not to bring it up either.

So for now, home teaching is done for another month.
Tithing settlement is done for another year.
Church is over for another week.
But who am I kidding, as soon as I take a deep breath, it's time to brace myself to do it all over again.

The current state of my socially anxious mind

As the weeks and months pass, I often reflect about how I'm doing. Am I any closer to "getting over" social anxiety? Does anyone ever really get over it? Do I dare test myself by taking a risk? Or do I just not care enough anymore to try? Have I forgotten how to care about people? Will my life always be guarded; with walls stretched up around my ever enclosing small circle?

I really don't know how to answer some of those questions.

In some ways I feel like I'm closing in on myself.

The other day I wondered what it would be like to stay in my house and only go out when needed. Never going to work, never going to church, never having to go to a social event I didn't want to, never having to meet with people, not having to deal with people anymore.

Speaking of never going to church again, it just so happens that tomorrow is Sunday.

It's December. That means tithing settlement. Which means meeting with the Bishop. He's a nice man, but do I want to go in and meet with him and have him ask me about how I'm doing? No. I don't. He'll ask me about the Christmas party we didn't attend last night. My husband would probably have gone if I had wanted to, but I said I didn't care and so neither did he. So we didn't go. But the anticipation of being asked about it is haunting the back of my mind.

Tomorrow is also our first meeting with our home teachers. It's a double doozie. In some ways I just want to get it all over with on one Sunday, but in most ways I don't want to do it at all. Ever. Taking care of it all on one Sunday just means I'll dread the whole day and be exhausted after it's done. It really doesn't make it any better at all.

Every time I think about the events of tomorrow I want to say I can't go. I want to make my husband go alone. I want to say I don't feel well. And then I picture him having to stand for both of us and it makes me feel horrible for not being a better wife. He deserves more than that. He deserves an equal partner. So I'll make myself do it all, even though none of me wants to do any of it. And it makes me want to run away from church and hide forever just thinking about it.

I always say to myself, you can run but you can't hide from Mormons. No disrespect, but it's true. On the good side, someone's always looking out for you. On the bad side, someone's always looking out for you.

Speaking of such an example, it has almost gotten comical with the RS President. I swear she is on a mission to get me to socialize. One way or another. I think she feel's she's been inspired to save me from something.

I posted a while back that she came over and we talked about my husband and my inability to have kids and also that I've been having episodes with anxiety and haven't felt able to socialize or visit teach.

Since that time she has called and emailed a few times. I haven't called her back, but have sent an email response or two. I know she means well (I can't write about her without saying that) but frankly, she just. doesn't. get it.

Even after our visit where I spoke about not wanting to attend social events due to anxiety, and even after two separate emails stating I am not comfortable with socializing yet "due to my anxiety in social situations", she continues to invite me to every RS social event throughout the year. Her emails begin with, "So are you coming to the dinner on Friday?" or her voice mails have been, "Are you coming to the such and such activity? I don't know how to get a hold of you" (always with desperation in her voice).

My husband and I had to laugh the other day at yet another one of her emails. She wrote, again, asking if I was going to attend a certain activity. I finally decided I'd better spell it out, since she clearly wasn't understanding our conversation about my need to bow out of social activities.

Before sending it, I must have revised her email at least a million times, so I was sure to articulate it in a way that would prevent future misunderstandings. Each time I revised it I read it to my husband and he would say, "I'm not sure she's going to get it." But the final version seemed to be precise enough without shouting it at her. Then, hysterically enough, within hours of sending it off, she sent me an invitation to a RS party later that week. And all we could do was laugh. Oh well, I tried.

So the current state of my socially anxious mind is just as it's always been. I haven't picked up my therapy since July of this year and have been up to my old avoidance tricks. I know I should start my home therapy again if I'm ever going to 1. care about people again 2. like going to church again; 3. ever visit teach again; 4. make more money by working full-time at a job that matches my skill level again and 5. I guess in a nutshell, not dread everything that involves people.

The end.

Well, not really the end, if after tomorrow's daunting day I live to tell.
See you then. Hopefully.