Thank you again to those of you who have taken a moment to express how this blog has helped you! It strengthens me to know that sharing my thoughts and experiences can help other people who struggle as I do.
This past Sunday at church I had a slam bam moment when I came face to face with my visiting teachers. As you may or may not know, visiting teachers are a HUGE challenge for me. You can read accounts of my nightmarish experiences in a few of my previous posts:
What caused my social anxiety
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Pushing Forward
Old Habits are Hard to Break
It's still SO awkward for me not to be a visiting teacher because of my anxiety, being in a community of people where EVERYONE ELSE IS. Man, thinking back to my last horrific visit even for a second makes me shudder with humiliation! Aaakk!
But the other awkward side is being visit taught. I asked not to have visiting teachers, but suddenly one day I was on someone's route. And to make an awkward mess even messier, I asked for emails instead of meeting with them. How weird am I? I can't even meet with two ladies in my home? It's mortifying, but less horrifying than meeting with them. I'll take the lesser of two evils I guess.
Visiting teaching in our church is like the holy grail of service. I've lost track of how many times I've heard, "I love visiting teaching! It has blessed my life in so many ways! I have made my best friends through visiting teaching!"
Back in my earlier days, I did make a good friend who had been assigned to be my visiting teacher. It was a great experience. Back at a time when sitting one-on-one with someone didn't wrap itself around my neck and choke me.
So there I stood. Face to face. Eye to eye. With the two sisters who were assigned to be my visiting teachers. They are some of the nicest ladies. They email me every month to check in and talk to me when I see them. And in a normal world, talking together like friends should be fun. It shouldn't be painful.
I choked through the first parts of our conversation and then somehow managed to put a smile on my face and tried to act normal. I tried to envision I was talking to my sister. I didn't need to feel nervous if it was my sister. And surprisingly, it helped just enough to release the choke-hold. But as each second ticked by, I kept mentally checking how I was doing and how much longer I could keep it together. It's hard to enjoy a conversation when all that's running through your mind is, Am I going to freak out? No, you're fine. Am I acting normal? How much longer are they going to keep talking to me??
As our conversation was finally coming to a close (yes!), one of the ladies turned to me and said, "You know, you can always call me. Or come over. Or just hang out with me." And I was reminded again about one of the other hardest parts about my social anxiety. The way it affects other people.
I don't like to hurt other people's feelings and I can't deny the pain I see in her eyes when she tries to reach out to me, but is rejected time and time again. She has asked me to do things with her for years and has expressed her desire to be my friend, but I never accept her invitations. Ever. It appears I don't like her or that I think I'm too good for her, or that I'm totally disinterested. If only she knew the reason behind my behavior. "It's not you, it's me!"
If she only knew the truth. If she only knew that I wish I felt comfortable enough to spend time with her and be her friend. If she only knew that my constant rejections had NOTHING at all to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with me.
I wonder how many other people my mixed messages have hurt? People reach out and invite us to dinner and I turn them down. People invite me to do things and I find an excuse. I stay away from the nicest people at church because I know they'll talk to me and want to know how I am, or even worse - ask me to do something with them. I naturally pull away from people who in my "former non-anxious life", I would have enjoyed spending time with.
It's an onion, this social anxiety. So many layers.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
The place In-between
First, I want to say thank you to all of you who have left encouraging comments. Even I feel alone at times, just like you do, so it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone either. :)
Back in June, one of you left a very kind, heartfelt comment, but deleted it (I'm not sure why). I kept it because it is what helped me to push forward out of the social anxiety relapse I was in.
Here is what she said, because it might offer you just what you need too:
That encouragement and positive message helped me push through my negativity and get myself to church that next Sunday. I just decided that I needed to commit myself to going and let it become a habit, if that's what needed to happen first, before I felt happy about being there.
It still hasn't been all roses. There have been Sundays I still let my fear get the better of me and I don't go to church. There have been times in class I've been asked to read aloud or go around the room to share and the fear takes its hold and I either talk myself down off the ledge and get through it, or make a fast exit. I do what I can do. And that's how I'm making it.
I've had to redefine who I am, a little bit. I used to be the person who did everything they were asked. I tried not to let anyone down. If a calling was extended, I took it. If an assignment was given, I accepted it. If a volunteer was needed, I offered.
I have come to a point in my life where I recognize my limits and if something's too much, I say no. I know I let people down, and I'm becoming one of those people that can't always be counted on and that makes me really uncomfortable, being a perfectionist and all, but I'm trying to allow myself to be okay with it. And to know that there hopefully will be a day when I can make up for it - and accept more and do more and be more, but for now, this is where I am.
As I've thought about where my mind has been these last couple months, I wasn't quite sure how to define it. It's that place in-between denial and acceptance. What do you call it? Oblivion? I have been trying to block out the fact that I have social anxiety and just detach my brain from everything so I don't have to face it or worry about it. I guess you can call it going to "my happy place", where there is no fear and all is good. I have pushed myself through a few Sundays and home teaching visits that I wanted to run from, but once they were done I could mentally let my guard down and stay in my happy place for a while.
I have a few job related things coming up that just strangle me with fear, so I keep pushing it out of my head. I know it's coming, and the closer it gets, the farther away my happy place goes. I prefer oblivion to facing my real life fears, but I'm still reading Pres. Hinckley's inspiring quote on my mirror every day, to remind me not to just trudge through life but to enjoy it. Here's to joy.
Back in June, one of you left a very kind, heartfelt comment, but deleted it (I'm not sure why). I kept it because it is what helped me to push forward out of the social anxiety relapse I was in.
Here is what she said, because it might offer you just what you need too:
"Heavenly Father loves you so much! He - as well as the Savior - know the thoughts and intents of your heart. The Atonement covers not only the price of repented sin, but also every single pain and heartache imaginable. This helps me so much when I have my SA attacks - to know that there is One who understands me completely, and loves me completely. When I have my days of suffocating SA, where I hate hate hate going to church and having to put on a plastic smile for several hours, and when I come home later and rehash all my imagined social gaffes with my husband, I remind myself that I am not alone. When I feel the discomfort of being in awkward social situations, so much that it causes me physical symptoms, I remind myself that the Savior has suffered everything EVERYTHING so that He can help me too. And when people are quick to judge my character (no, I am not stuck up! Just incredibly, painfully socially fearful), I know that the Savior has felt that hurt, too. I hope that that knowledge helps you, also.
You may have suffered a relapse, but I have encouraging words for you, ones that have helped me when I have struggled. A LAPSE is falling off the wagon. A RELAPSE is falling off the wagon after getting on again. A COLLAPSE is giving up completely. We all have lapses. And yes, every now and again, we all have relapses.
But we don't have to make them collapses. :) Even if I suffer a series of relapses of my SA behavior the rest of my life, I will try my best not to collapse. And even if I do collapse, there is always hope. This gospel is one of progression, and the Lord sees us not where we were, but where we are going."
That encouragement and positive message helped me push through my negativity and get myself to church that next Sunday. I just decided that I needed to commit myself to going and let it become a habit, if that's what needed to happen first, before I felt happy about being there.
It still hasn't been all roses. There have been Sundays I still let my fear get the better of me and I don't go to church. There have been times in class I've been asked to read aloud or go around the room to share and the fear takes its hold and I either talk myself down off the ledge and get through it, or make a fast exit. I do what I can do. And that's how I'm making it.
I've had to redefine who I am, a little bit. I used to be the person who did everything they were asked. I tried not to let anyone down. If a calling was extended, I took it. If an assignment was given, I accepted it. If a volunteer was needed, I offered.
I have come to a point in my life where I recognize my limits and if something's too much, I say no. I know I let people down, and I'm becoming one of those people that can't always be counted on and that makes me really uncomfortable, being a perfectionist and all, but I'm trying to allow myself to be okay with it. And to know that there hopefully will be a day when I can make up for it - and accept more and do more and be more, but for now, this is where I am.
As I've thought about where my mind has been these last couple months, I wasn't quite sure how to define it. It's that place in-between denial and acceptance. What do you call it? Oblivion? I have been trying to block out the fact that I have social anxiety and just detach my brain from everything so I don't have to face it or worry about it. I guess you can call it going to "my happy place", where there is no fear and all is good. I have pushed myself through a few Sundays and home teaching visits that I wanted to run from, but once they were done I could mentally let my guard down and stay in my happy place for a while.
I have a few job related things coming up that just strangle me with fear, so I keep pushing it out of my head. I know it's coming, and the closer it gets, the farther away my happy place goes. I prefer oblivion to facing my real life fears, but I'm still reading Pres. Hinckley's inspiring quote on my mirror every day, to remind me not to just trudge through life but to enjoy it. Here's to joy.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Relapse: Help for social anxiety's downward spiral
Forgive my rambling today. I kind of went all over the map. The important thing through this process of self-reflection is that I ended up in a positive place. And that's what's important. Right?
Sunday, 6/9/2013
Right at this moment my husband is at church without me.
I couldn't bring myself to go, even though I am responsible for something at church today.I feel so badly that he had to go alone.
I know I am disappointing him and the people I was supposed to help today.
I feel especially bad because I went though something difficult this past week and received a clear answer to prayer. I wanted to go to show the Lord how grateful I am, but I just couldn't.
I sat down and talked to my husband about how I feel and he was a good listener, although I know it's still hard for him to understand what in the world this feels like.
I likened how painful it is for me to go to church each week, to him touching a hot stove. You touch a hot stove and get burned - you learn quickly not to touch a stove at all.
I feel like I have regressed.
I know it is, in part, due to not having gone to church consistently for the last month. I've said before how much harder it is to return once I've been away. A word that instantly came to mind about what I was going through was RELAPSE.
Relapse is often associated with a drug and alcohol addiction, "an act or instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding; a recurrence of symptoms after a period of improvement." but I am living proof that it also applies to Social Anxiety.
Although referring to drug relapse, I was struck by this statement from Signs of Relapse,: A slip-up begins long before you actually use. The steps to a relapse are actually changes in attitudes, feelings and behaviors that gradually lead to the final step..." (Warning Signs of an Alcohol or Drug Relapse Recognizing the Steps Leading to a Relapse 2012)
For us, Negative Thinking is the fuel that fires social anxiety. The end result (not going to church or becoming completely isolated), is a slow process that begins with our changes in attitudes, feelings, behaviors and thoughts.
11 Signs of Addiction Relapse found here
*these are the actual steps of Addition Relapse but as I read each of them with the perspective of social anxiety, they were strikingly similar
*these are the actual steps of Addition Relapse but as I read each of them with the perspective of social anxiety, they were strikingly similar
Elevated Stress - You find yourself over-reacting and having exaggerated positive or negative feelings.
Reactivation of Denial - Trying to convince yourself that everything's okay when it's not. You may be scared or worried, but you dismiss those feelings and stop sharing those feelings with others.
Recurrence of Withdrawal Symptoms - Anxiety, depression, and sleeplessness can return during times of stress. They are dangerous because you may be tempted to self-medicate (or in my case, avoid)
Behavior Change - You may begin to change your healthy routine and practice avoidance.
Social Breakdown - You may begin feeling uncomfortable around others and making excuses not to socialize. You stop hanging around friends or you withdraw from family members. You stop going to support groups. You begin to isolate yourself.
Loss of Structure - You begin to abandon your healthy routine and begin focusing on one small part of life to the exclusion of everything else.
Loss of Judgment - You may feel overwhelmed for no apparent reason.
Loss of Control - You begin to actively cut off people who can help you. You may begin to believe there is no hope. You lose confidence in your ability to manage your life.
Loss of Options - You begin to limit your options. You stop attending all meetings. You may feel loneliness, frustration, anger, resentment and tension. You might feel helpless and desperate. You come to believe that unhealthy options are the only way out.
Relapse - You attempt controlled (social) "avoidance", but immediately feel shame and guilt. You withdraw further, affecting relationships, jobs, money, mental and physical health. You need help. {For those of us with Social Anxiety, relapse may range from not being able to go to church, work, or out with friends and family to becoming completely isolated.}
Do you see the similarities behavior between a drug relapse and social anxiety relapse?
HELP TO OVERCOME
The one thing I've read time and again is that social anxiety is fueled by negative thinking [see related posts here and here]. If we are to try to combat the downward spiral we may be on, it is by stopping our negative thoughts, one at a time, until they no longer chart the course we're on.
Step One: Stop Negative Thinking. Today.
From “Lesson 9: Purity of Thought,” The Latter-day Saint Woman: Basic Manual for Women
Our Thoughts Influence Our Actions. An idea can be powerful. First comes a thought, then an act. The act begins in the mind. We do what we think of doing. Whether we plan to do good or evil, the plan and the act begin in the mind.
The thought always precedes the act. - President David O. McKay
If you can control your thoughts, you can overcome habits... If you can learn to master them, you will have a happy life... - Elder Boyd K. PackerThe last quote about the Holy Ghost helping us to control our thoughts really struck me. I can't forget to include the Holy Ghost in my healing. He is the one who teaches truth. The truth of who we are, what our worth is, and how we can overcome our weaknesses.
The Holy Ghost can help us control our thoughts. When we listen to His promptings, we can control our thoughts, words, and actions. We should pray for the help of the Holy Ghost.
My goal this week is to change my negative thinking about going to church and see how it helps me by next Sunday. Our thoughts influence our actions and are powerful motivators: for good or otherwise. Let's put it to the test!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
The truth
The truth is, I only went to sacrament meeting today.
We almost didn't go at all. I was even in my dress when my husband teased me about taking the day off. My eyes brightened. My mood lifted. Really? Can we really skip today? Oh please?? But no, he had to go for his calling. [Don't tease me like that. It's like taunting a ravenous lion with a plastic steak.] So we compromised and decided we'd at least go to sacrament meeting. (I'm such a bad influence)
I could have pulled it together and stayed for all the meetings, I mean I was already sitting in the pew for heaven sakes, and I knew I was just letting myself down by not staying, but the thought of being there for all of the drudgery was too much. At least I was going for sacrament meeting. It had been a while and I knew I needed to go.
The truth is, I had only gone to church two times last month.
One week was a skip day, the other I was out of town. To be honest, it was nice to have a breather, but it's always so much harder to come back. I see today as taking a few baby steps by going to one meeting, even though I should have stayed for it all. I've just succeeded in making next week all the harder.
The truth is, I wish I was someone else sometimes.
Doesn't it seem easier to be someone else? I know it doesn't make sense because we all have our own set of problems to deal with (and many people have it much worse), but I wished I was someone else today.
I wished I was someone who loved coming to church. I longed to be comfortable there and to look around the room and see some of my best friends. I wished I could be one of the strong women who stood up and testified that she loved the Lord, loved our ward and loved coming to church. I wished I didn't feel so disconnected sitting in a room full of amazing people, while wishing I was safe on my couch at home. I wished I didn't worry about my home teachers approaching us for a visit and trying to avoid them every Sunday. I wish every Sunday I didn't count down the minutes until I could leave and check "going to church" off my list.
But there was more. As I looked out over the congregation, I saw happy husbands and wives with lively little children. I always imagined we would have lots of kids snuggled around us, surrounded by big bags of coloring books, crayons, sippy cups and tupperware filled with cheerios and fish crackers. I couldn't wait for the day I got to take my baby out of a meeting. What a great excuse! "I'm sorry, I can't come to relief society, I have to feed the baby".
But since we weren't able to have kids, not only will I never get to use that excuse (drat!), every Sunday, our empty bench is a painful reminder of our barren nest. Today, as I watched one of the beautiful mothers with the long chestnut hair, bounce her pink cheeked little girl out to the mother's room, I wished I was her.
And that is the truth for today.
We almost didn't go at all. I was even in my dress when my husband teased me about taking the day off. My eyes brightened. My mood lifted. Really? Can we really skip today? Oh please?? But no, he had to go for his calling. [Don't tease me like that. It's like taunting a ravenous lion with a plastic steak.] So we compromised and decided we'd at least go to sacrament meeting. (I'm such a bad influence)
I could have pulled it together and stayed for all the meetings, I mean I was already sitting in the pew for heaven sakes, and I knew I was just letting myself down by not staying, but the thought of being there for all of the drudgery was too much. At least I was going for sacrament meeting. It had been a while and I knew I needed to go.
The truth is, I had only gone to church two times last month.
One week was a skip day, the other I was out of town. To be honest, it was nice to have a breather, but it's always so much harder to come back. I see today as taking a few baby steps by going to one meeting, even though I should have stayed for it all. I've just succeeded in making next week all the harder.
The truth is, I wish I was someone else sometimes.
Doesn't it seem easier to be someone else? I know it doesn't make sense because we all have our own set of problems to deal with (and many people have it much worse), but I wished I was someone else today.
I wished I was someone who loved coming to church. I longed to be comfortable there and to look around the room and see some of my best friends. I wished I could be one of the strong women who stood up and testified that she loved the Lord, loved our ward and loved coming to church. I wished I didn't feel so disconnected sitting in a room full of amazing people, while wishing I was safe on my couch at home. I wished I didn't worry about my home teachers approaching us for a visit and trying to avoid them every Sunday. I wish every Sunday I didn't count down the minutes until I could leave and check "going to church" off my list.
But there was more. As I looked out over the congregation, I saw happy husbands and wives with lively little children. I always imagined we would have lots of kids snuggled around us, surrounded by big bags of coloring books, crayons, sippy cups and tupperware filled with cheerios and fish crackers. I couldn't wait for the day I got to take my baby out of a meeting. What a great excuse! "I'm sorry, I can't come to relief society, I have to feed the baby".
But since we weren't able to have kids, not only will I never get to use that excuse (drat!), every Sunday, our empty bench is a painful reminder of our barren nest. Today, as I watched one of the beautiful mothers with the long chestnut hair, bounce her pink cheeked little girl out to the mother's room, I wished I was her.
And that is the truth for today.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Social Anxiety and my youngest sister
You know the old saying, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy?" Well, in the case of social anxiety, if I can be totally honest, I actually wouldn't mind seeing some of my worst enemies get a good dose of social anxiety. If I can be honest.
But for my sister? I wouldn't wish it on her in a million, zillion years.
But it happened. My sweet sister, who's in 30's, called me a while back with an all-too-familiar story. And I hung my head and wished I could somehow take it away.
She and I have always shared the same anxiety about "going around the room" and speaking in front of people. We laugh about our fears and the strange predicaments we've found ourselves in because of them. But we are forever grateful we have each other to share, understand, and accept even the worst parts of ourselves.
But for her, on this day, her otherwise "normal" anxiety had reached a new level. It had become much bigger. Much bolder. Much more debilitating.
A class at school had finally pushed her over the edge. Her teacher was a wild card. Totally unpredictable. Totally uncaring. Totally spontaneous. And one who seemed to enjoy putting students on the spot, as if beating them into submission was the only way they would learn. A very dangerous ground for the socially anxious. Unpredictability is like a death sentence.
On this particular day, her fear of being called on was so great, that she finally broke and left early. And is the case with avoidance, she not only felt like a complete failure, but the fear wouldn't leave her. Each day was a test of her will to return to class, but the fear of humiliation was too strong. And with each passing day that she didn't return, the fear only mounted in her absence.
She didn't know how to get through it. She didn't know how to face it. She knew her future career was crumbling out from under her because of this one thing she couldn't control. It was overwhelming darkness and she couldn't see her way through it.
As I listened to her reveal her most troubling, fearful, humiliating and debilitating moments, my heart broke into a million pieces. The things she shared were as familiar as if I were reading through an old diary, revealing my own confusing, debilitating, world changing episodes of social anxiety. I understood. To my core. In a way that only those of us who have gone through it can understand. And my heart ached for her. Please not her. Why now? She is just at the cusp of a career she has put everything on the line for. Please don't let this stop her. Not like it has stopped me.
I wanted to wish it all away. I wanted to tell her it would all get better. But I knew I couldn't promise that. Social Anxiety isn't something you can just get over or wish away. It's as real as the fear itself. It has to be acknowledged, accepted and faced over and over again. For years. Maybe even a lifetime.
I pulled out everything I knew. Everything I'd learned. Every moment I'd conquered. Every moment I'd failed. And I tried to give her the best advice I could muster. The best helps I could think of. I also recounted a tidbit I learned from the CD therapy series about accepting yourself and your fear instead of fighting against it. I hoped my suffering hadn't been in vain. If I could help her, it was worth every minute of suffering.
I gave her tips (aka: distractions) that have helped me, like bringing a water bottle to drink and hold; sucking on fresh minty tic tacs and taking in deep breaths of refreshing, calming mint. I told her about how saying something out loud in class before presenting (in order to break the ice with yourself and surroundings) had helped me. I told her that no one is really paying attention to you anyway because they really are more worried about themselves. We talked about how holding something in your hand, like a penny or paper clip, or tapping your foot, can help channel the nervous energy into something else.
She went to her school counselor, but received no understanding or even empathy. I would have expected so much more from a counselor.
I believe in the end, she finally emailed her teacher and tried to explain the situation. Fortunately, it allowed her to get through the remaining classes and at least pass.
It reminded me how social anxiety can crush your ability to reach your potential, and instead, allows you to accept only enough to get by.
I hope, looking ahead, that she doesn't have to face this ever again. I hope her path doesn't follow mine, where with each episode the anxiety worsens and one day you wake up and can't go to work anymore or even talk to people face to face.
She is my hero. I think about her when I'm faced with a fearful situation. I think that if she could get through what she did, I can do anything. I thought of her when my home teachers were coming over, and when I had to meet with my Bishop for tithing settlement.
Her strength will now be a source of strength for me.
But for my sister? I wouldn't wish it on her in a million, zillion years.
But it happened. My sweet sister, who's in 30's, called me a while back with an all-too-familiar story. And I hung my head and wished I could somehow take it away.
She and I have always shared the same anxiety about "going around the room" and speaking in front of people. We laugh about our fears and the strange predicaments we've found ourselves in because of them. But we are forever grateful we have each other to share, understand, and accept even the worst parts of ourselves.
But for her, on this day, her otherwise "normal" anxiety had reached a new level. It had become much bigger. Much bolder. Much more debilitating.
A class at school had finally pushed her over the edge. Her teacher was a wild card. Totally unpredictable. Totally uncaring. Totally spontaneous. And one who seemed to enjoy putting students on the spot, as if beating them into submission was the only way they would learn. A very dangerous ground for the socially anxious. Unpredictability is like a death sentence.
On this particular day, her fear of being called on was so great, that she finally broke and left early. And is the case with avoidance, she not only felt like a complete failure, but the fear wouldn't leave her. Each day was a test of her will to return to class, but the fear of humiliation was too strong. And with each passing day that she didn't return, the fear only mounted in her absence.
She didn't know how to get through it. She didn't know how to face it. She knew her future career was crumbling out from under her because of this one thing she couldn't control. It was overwhelming darkness and she couldn't see her way through it.
As I listened to her reveal her most troubling, fearful, humiliating and debilitating moments, my heart broke into a million pieces. The things she shared were as familiar as if I were reading through an old diary, revealing my own confusing, debilitating, world changing episodes of social anxiety. I understood. To my core. In a way that only those of us who have gone through it can understand. And my heart ached for her. Please not her. Why now? She is just at the cusp of a career she has put everything on the line for. Please don't let this stop her. Not like it has stopped me.
I wanted to wish it all away. I wanted to tell her it would all get better. But I knew I couldn't promise that. Social Anxiety isn't something you can just get over or wish away. It's as real as the fear itself. It has to be acknowledged, accepted and faced over and over again. For years. Maybe even a lifetime.
I pulled out everything I knew. Everything I'd learned. Every moment I'd conquered. Every moment I'd failed. And I tried to give her the best advice I could muster. The best helps I could think of. I also recounted a tidbit I learned from the CD therapy series about accepting yourself and your fear instead of fighting against it. I hoped my suffering hadn't been in vain. If I could help her, it was worth every minute of suffering.
I gave her tips (aka: distractions) that have helped me, like bringing a water bottle to drink and hold; sucking on fresh minty tic tacs and taking in deep breaths of refreshing, calming mint. I told her about how saying something out loud in class before presenting (in order to break the ice with yourself and surroundings) had helped me. I told her that no one is really paying attention to you anyway because they really are more worried about themselves. We talked about how holding something in your hand, like a penny or paper clip, or tapping your foot, can help channel the nervous energy into something else.
She went to her school counselor, but received no understanding or even empathy. I would have expected so much more from a counselor.
I believe in the end, she finally emailed her teacher and tried to explain the situation. Fortunately, it allowed her to get through the remaining classes and at least pass.
It reminded me how social anxiety can crush your ability to reach your potential, and instead, allows you to accept only enough to get by.
I hope, looking ahead, that she doesn't have to face this ever again. I hope her path doesn't follow mine, where with each episode the anxiety worsens and one day you wake up and can't go to work anymore or even talk to people face to face.
She is my hero. I think about her when I'm faced with a fearful situation. I think that if she could get through what she did, I can do anything. I thought of her when my home teachers were coming over, and when I had to meet with my Bishop for tithing settlement.
Her strength will now be a source of strength for me.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sunday Revelations: God's gift for my socially anxious mind
Whew! Made it through another Sunday.
I know, this is getting redundant.
But believe me, it's an every week accomplishment!
Church yesterday was another difficult one. I swear that social anxiety ebs and flows like a monthly cycle. Am I wrong? There's a blip of time through the month I feel almost confident, other times just regular, while other times I'm exceptionally anxious. Hormone related? I may have to read about that. Or start charting my anxiety. But who wants to do that?
I'm still in shock that I made it to church yesterday. My husband had something work-related Sunday morning (which never happens), but which meant I would be going to church alone. Usually if my husband can't go to church for whatever reason, I break out the party hats and celebrate my "get-out-of-church" free pass! But I felt like I should go.
I had a calling to fulfill and if I didn't go, it was difficult to find someone to replace me. It would be one thing if I called and got a sub, but quite another if I just didn't show up. Rude.
I battled the decision back and forth in my head and finally decided that at least I would go for relief society. But even then I wouldn't call it a "firm" decision. If even the faintest wind of doubt blew, I might cave in and not go.
But as I went throughout my morning doing other things as I passed the time, I knew in my heart it was the Sabbath day. A day set aside from the rest of the week to put aside our own cares and desires, and worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I couldn't pretend it was just other day, because it wasn't. And I needed to go to church.
So I got ready and even went in time for most of Sunday School. But wow, I felt "off". Was it because I had missed sacrament meeting? I felt like I had stumbled into the middle of a 3 act play. My heart was beating hard in my chest and my anxiety was high for no real reason, as I sat in my Sunday School seat. I tried to focus and calm down my insides as the questions kept going over in my mind, "How did I get here??"; "Why didn't I just stay home??"; "You had a free pass for heaven's sake!".
But I suffered through it, high on anxiety, as if to expect at any moment the teacher to call me up to do a tap dance. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel so anxious? Was it a cycle shift? Geeze Louise!
But as the closing prayer ended in Sunday School, I opened my eyes to find my sweet husband coming in the far door. My heart filled with warmth to see his smile.
For a moment I envisioned the after-life, in the eternities, and we were both there. Not one without the other. And all at once I knew I had made the right choice to come to church. I wanted to be with him forever, as is our marital promise, as we keep our covenants and live faithfully. And I would live the commandment to go to church because I love my husband and won't leave him standing alone because I promised to be there. Always.
Every week it seems I need something concrete to "convince me" to get to church because my social anxiety makes it so difficult. These little moments of enlightenment, these "Sunday Revelations", are what keep me going. What helps me to get to church one week, may not be what helps me the next, so I need a list to help me a long. I'm grateful for God's little graces.
I know, this is getting redundant.
But believe me, it's an every week accomplishment!
Church yesterday was another difficult one. I swear that social anxiety ebs and flows like a monthly cycle. Am I wrong? There's a blip of time through the month I feel almost confident, other times just regular, while other times I'm exceptionally anxious. Hormone related? I may have to read about that. Or start charting my anxiety. But who wants to do that?
I'm still in shock that I made it to church yesterday. My husband had something work-related Sunday morning (which never happens), but which meant I would be going to church alone. Usually if my husband can't go to church for whatever reason, I break out the party hats and celebrate my "get-out-of-church" free pass! But I felt like I should go.
I had a calling to fulfill and if I didn't go, it was difficult to find someone to replace me. It would be one thing if I called and got a sub, but quite another if I just didn't show up. Rude.
I battled the decision back and forth in my head and finally decided that at least I would go for relief society. But even then I wouldn't call it a "firm" decision. If even the faintest wind of doubt blew, I might cave in and not go.
But as I went throughout my morning doing other things as I passed the time, I knew in my heart it was the Sabbath day. A day set aside from the rest of the week to put aside our own cares and desires, and worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I couldn't pretend it was just other day, because it wasn't. And I needed to go to church.
So I got ready and even went in time for most of Sunday School. But wow, I felt "off". Was it because I had missed sacrament meeting? I felt like I had stumbled into the middle of a 3 act play. My heart was beating hard in my chest and my anxiety was high for no real reason, as I sat in my Sunday School seat. I tried to focus and calm down my insides as the questions kept going over in my mind, "How did I get here??"; "Why didn't I just stay home??"; "You had a free pass for heaven's sake!".
But I suffered through it, high on anxiety, as if to expect at any moment the teacher to call me up to do a tap dance. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel so anxious? Was it a cycle shift? Geeze Louise!
But as the closing prayer ended in Sunday School, I opened my eyes to find my sweet husband coming in the far door. My heart filled with warmth to see his smile.
For a moment I envisioned the after-life, in the eternities, and we were both there. Not one without the other. And all at once I knew I had made the right choice to come to church. I wanted to be with him forever, as is our marital promise, as we keep our covenants and live faithfully. And I would live the commandment to go to church because I love my husband and won't leave him standing alone because I promised to be there. Always.
Every week it seems I need something concrete to "convince me" to get to church because my social anxiety makes it so difficult. These little moments of enlightenment, these "Sunday Revelations", are what keep me going. What helps me to get to church one week, may not be what helps me the next, so I need a list to help me a long. I'm grateful for God's little graces.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed
Yesterday (Sunday, of course), was hard. I didn't want to go to church.
Saturday I found myself getting uptight again because I knew Sunday was the next day. I even joked with my husband about us taking a sabbatical and staying home...but of course he didn't fall for it. He's the obedient one who goes to church every week no matter what.
I'm so tired of this weekly cycle.
I hadn't prepared for my calling all week like I normally do, almost as if subconsciously to give myself a reason to get out of going. My insides were all angry and stomping, like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum, but in the end I knew I had to go. I had only hurt myself by not preparing. I couldn't bail on them again. It only made me feel worse when I did.
So I went.
And when I go with a blah attitude, that's what I get out of it.
The whole time I kept thinking how much I wanted to be at home and not there.
The speaker in sacrament meeting was monotone. She had a few moments, when she looked up from her paper, that she had something insightful to say, but other than that, I kept wondering when she would sit down.
Her husband was the same.
At one point during the meeting my husband reached over and squeezed my hand, smiled and scooted closer. He deserved a wife who would go to church with him, sit beside him, support him and stay true to the covenants we've made. It pained me to be there, but at least I was there with him, to sit beside him, even if sometimes I feel like I'm just playing a part.
Next, on to Sunday School. I wanted to sit in the car, but I made myself go sit through class. The whole time I half listened/half zoned out. I wasn't going to participate because I didn't really want to be there anyway. Why was I being such a baby?!
Next, on to relief society.
It was okay. I got through it. A girl who I'm trying to avoid kept looking over at me from a few seats down, trying to get my attention, so I just ignored her on purpose. She had called earlier in the week and said she wanted to talk to me. She's been trying to push a friendship but she's not my type, so I've tried to keep my distance. I didn't want to talk to her. Stop looking at me.
Our lesson was on Of Regrets and Resolutions, by Presiden Uchtdorf. One section focused on Living up to our Potential. I wondered what God thought my potential was? Would I fall short because of social anxiety? Was social anxiety stopping me from accomplishing great things? Yes. I'd say for sure it was.
One quote from Pres. Uchtdorf caught me, when he said we can't live up to our full potential "with a dragging-our-feet, staring-at-our-watch, complaining-as-we-go approach to discipleship."
Dang, that was so me right now. Hard truth. Especially today.
I finally made it through to the end of church and ran out to the car right after the prayer.
Get me the heck out of here.
It's finally over.
The girl who wanted to talk to me saw my husband and wondered where I'd disappeared? Bu bye.
When we got home, I fretted the rest of the day the home teachers would call or show up, since it was the last Sunday of the month. They never called, but it did ruin my peaceful Sunday afternoon worrying about it. Still two more days in the month. My worry isn't over yet.
Sigh.
Gordon B.Hinckley once said, “Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed.”
Right now I feel like I'm just enduring it.
Whether it's church, work, family, friends, whatever it is that involves people, I worry about the next thing, get through it, and worry about the next thing. Dread and worry. Worry and dread. There's not much to be enjoyed about that.
I'll put this quote up on my bathroom mirror. And try harder to live it.
And maybe I'll begin to break the chains that hold me back from living my true potential.
One day at a time.
Saturday I found myself getting uptight again because I knew Sunday was the next day. I even joked with my husband about us taking a sabbatical and staying home...but of course he didn't fall for it. He's the obedient one who goes to church every week no matter what.
I'm so tired of this weekly cycle.
I hadn't prepared for my calling all week like I normally do, almost as if subconsciously to give myself a reason to get out of going. My insides were all angry and stomping, like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum, but in the end I knew I had to go. I had only hurt myself by not preparing. I couldn't bail on them again. It only made me feel worse when I did.
So I went.
And when I go with a blah attitude, that's what I get out of it.
The whole time I kept thinking how much I wanted to be at home and not there.
The speaker in sacrament meeting was monotone. She had a few moments, when she looked up from her paper, that she had something insightful to say, but other than that, I kept wondering when she would sit down.
Her husband was the same.
At one point during the meeting my husband reached over and squeezed my hand, smiled and scooted closer. He deserved a wife who would go to church with him, sit beside him, support him and stay true to the covenants we've made. It pained me to be there, but at least I was there with him, to sit beside him, even if sometimes I feel like I'm just playing a part.
Next, on to Sunday School. I wanted to sit in the car, but I made myself go sit through class. The whole time I half listened/half zoned out. I wasn't going to participate because I didn't really want to be there anyway. Why was I being such a baby?!
Next, on to relief society.
It was okay. I got through it. A girl who I'm trying to avoid kept looking over at me from a few seats down, trying to get my attention, so I just ignored her on purpose. She had called earlier in the week and said she wanted to talk to me. She's been trying to push a friendship but she's not my type, so I've tried to keep my distance. I didn't want to talk to her. Stop looking at me.
Our lesson was on Of Regrets and Resolutions, by Presiden Uchtdorf. One section focused on Living up to our Potential. I wondered what God thought my potential was? Would I fall short because of social anxiety? Was social anxiety stopping me from accomplishing great things? Yes. I'd say for sure it was.
One quote from Pres. Uchtdorf caught me, when he said we can't live up to our full potential "with a dragging-our-feet, staring-at-our-watch, complaining-as-we-go approach to discipleship."
Dang, that was so me right now. Hard truth. Especially today.
I finally made it through to the end of church and ran out to the car right after the prayer.
Get me the heck out of here.
It's finally over.
The girl who wanted to talk to me saw my husband and wondered where I'd disappeared? Bu bye.
When we got home, I fretted the rest of the day the home teachers would call or show up, since it was the last Sunday of the month. They never called, but it did ruin my peaceful Sunday afternoon worrying about it. Still two more days in the month. My worry isn't over yet.
Sigh.
Gordon B.Hinckley once said, “Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed.”
Right now I feel like I'm just enduring it.
Whether it's church, work, family, friends, whatever it is that involves people, I worry about the next thing, get through it, and worry about the next thing. Dread and worry. Worry and dread. There's not much to be enjoyed about that.
I'll put this quote up on my bathroom mirror. And try harder to live it.
And maybe I'll begin to break the chains that hold me back from living my true potential.
One day at a time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)