The Power of the Temple against Social Anxiety

I hope you all survived the holidays...you know what I mean, socializing, parties, and more parties. Did I mention parties?
"I want to stop by and drop off a gift for you"
"Are you coming to the work party?"
"Are you coming to the ward party?"
"Are you coming to the relief society party?"
No, no, no and no.

Luckily I made it through and hope you did too!

Before I jump into how the temple has helped me with my social anxiety, I just want to say to all my readers, whether reading for yourselves or to help you understand the ones you love, that I thank you for your heart-felt comments. It warms my heart to know that by sharing my story I have helped someone else and I'm grateful for you and want you to know I have a special place in my heart for my readers and have such hopes for your success to conquer social anxiety and be happy.

With that said, let me share with you something huge I found that helped me rise above my fears and constant cycle of struggling to go to church: Going to the temple.

Now before you revolt and say, "Go to the temple? Are you kidding me I can barely get myself to church!" Please stay with me because believe me, I GET IT! You don't even want to know how hard it was for me to go to the temple in the first place.

A couple of months ago, I felt like my husband and I should go to the temple (evidently I was not in one of my weaker SA states). We committed on a day to go and I was totally gung-ho about it. I knew it was something we should have been doing consistently, but I'll admit, it also was a big source of anxiety for me that I tried just to block out.

Do to the sacred nature of the temple, I won't go into details, but participating in the ordinances there means you are actively involved and participating and therefore, exposing yourself to possible episodes of anxiety because you are out participating and not sitting at home.

I was all set to go. As the day grew closer I began giving myself pep talks. And then the day came. But as my husband began to get dressed in his Sunday best, it all went downhill. I had a major melt down and told him I didn't think I could go.

Luckily, my husband is as sweet and kind as they come, and said we didn't have to go if it was making me feel this anxious. Inside the battle raged. I knew I needed to go and I had to put my faith in Heavenly Father that if I did this good thing that He would help me get through it.

So we went. And He did.


Excerpt from Come to the Temple (an official church publication):

The temple endowment ordinances enrich in three ways: (a) The one receiving the ordinance is given power from God. “Recipients are endowed with power from on high.” (b) A recipient is also endowed with information and knowledge. “They receive an education relative to the Lord’s purposes and plans.”  (c) When sealed at the altar a person is the recipient of glorious blessings, powers, and honors as part of his or her endowment.

We have been taught that we can receive power from on high if we attend the temple, and if anyone needed power, I did. Power to overcome. Power to persevere. Power not to be afraid. And I received it.

By attending the temple I was reminded why I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was reminded about the love of the gospel. I was reminded why I live the way I live and commit to the things I do. I was reminded about all the good and beautiful things about this church of which I am part. I was reminded about my commitments, covenants and promises and the blessings I am promised if I keep them. And I felt good.

And the next day was Sunday. And as if by magic, I didn't have ANY thoughts of not going to church. What?? I know, believe me, I was just as surprised as you are. I felt powerful. I felt connected and committed in a way I hadn't in a very long time. Thoughts of not going to church were non-existent and I went to church and felt myself begin to get stronger.

And not only do I believe that going to the temple helped me see going to church in a whole different light and take the struggle with going/not-going away, it also helped me in other areas of my life like going to work. Meetings didn't seem as anxiety-producing. Other situations that would have made me want to run and hide didn't affect me as much. I had received the promised power and I couldn't deny it.

As with anything that is connected to receive power, one must continue to "conduct" by going to the temple. In time I've noticed that doubts have begun to creep in again and not going to church once again "becomes an option". I know it's time to go back to the temple and to keep going so my power doesn't have time to fade.

It's miraculous. I hope you find the strength to go to the temple, despite how anxious you might be about it because you will receive power, as is promised. And the wonderful thing about going is that you are not only helping yourself, but others who can't do the work for themselves. It doesn't get better than that!

"So come to the temple - come and claim your blessings." Come to the Temple, Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, (2002), 1–37

Exceeded my anxiety limit for the week

I'll put it out there.

I didn't go to church Sunday.
Reason: Exceeded weekly anxiety limit

Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel emotionally depleted and if you have one more social encounter, you might snap? That's me right now. Last week was one of those weeks.

Each anxiety producing situation I go through doesn't build me up for the next one, it slowly chips away at my reserves, until they're empty.

In addition to the new level of social interaction I'm expected to do at work, I also had a big church meeting last week where I was in charge of something (i.e. all eyes on me).

The church meeting was the most stressful and topped the charts on my anxiety meter. I had to excuse myself from the group a couple of times and go to the bathroom, all the while telling myself over and over again to pull it together, that I would be fine.

Back in the meeting, I tried to assess over and over again whether I had reached the safe zone where they wouldn't call on me again...or would all eyes suddenly turn on me? This anticipation and worry all but shot my nerves through the roof. I thought I was going to crack. Despite feeling nauseous a few times, I got through it, but at the end I was running on fumes.

To round off the week we had a big family gathering the next day. Social gatherings, period, deplete me. Even around my family. No matter who I'm with, I still don't like to be the center of attention and at big family events there is a lot of interaction and talking and sharing. Some days it's not a big deal, but other times (especially after a major social-anxiety-producing-event like the day before) it's too much. I felt like I was still trying to coax myself down from the ceiling and was not ready to jump into social mode again. But it was time, nonetheless.

Flash forward to Sunday.
Images of smiles, hellos, my calling, awkward breaks between classes, sitting through relief society, new home teachers after church...I just couldn't do it. I needed a break so I could breathe. So I took one.

I always feel bad when I reach this point because the look on my husband's face is always one of mixed understanding and disappointment. His dad never went to church and I know that was hard for him. I don't want to disappoint him in the same way. I do try to go as many Sundays in a row as I can, but sometimes I need a breather.

I've been reading one of my "favorite" social anxiety books again (if you can really call it that). Fear is No Longer my Reality, by Jamie Blyth. Like I said several years ago when I first read it, it is like I'm reading my own story. His experiences mirror my own in a way that gives me comfort and hope, to know I'm not alone, and that someone out there totally gets it.

Here is an excerpt that describes his dreaded experience going to a friend's house for dinner:

The Cheffs are an Italian family that treats people with warmth and respect and always forces a good meal on you. Boy, could they cook. So when they insisted I come over for dinner and my stories and excuses fizzled, I trudged those hundred yards slowly, knowing this was going to be different from all those other dinners. It would have been less insulting if I shaved their dog bald than if I turned down a meal from them.

I didn't notice the stars or the moon or the snow covering the earth. My mind focused on one thing: fear. They greeted me with hugs and kisses and kindness, taking my coat and immediately offering me cookies and coffee. I produced a big fake smile and said it was good to see them.

"You look great!" Dr. Cheff said. "Miami must be treating you well...but I bet they don't make pasta there like we do."

The hollow laugh came out forced. Thirty seconds down. I tried not to stare at the clock to figure out how long I'd have to make it before dinner would be over.

We sat around the table and I quickly became the center of attention. I hadn't been to a dinner table aside from my family's in months. In fact, I had quit eating in public altogether at college, always taking meals back to my room.

I found myself squirming in my chair, coughing, gasping to form words. Everyone was looking at me. They could see how crazed I felt on the inside!

"I'm not going to make it. I've gotta get the heck out of here," I thought. "There's no escape! I'm going to be here at least another hour. I can't hold up."

I was right...I couldn't. The panic attack came on at full force. My old friend Dr. Cheff now intimidated me. It was as if his eyes burned right into me and could see all the weakness inside. I never noticed his intense stare before; his eye contact now made me physically uncomfortable. It seemed that the more calm and poised the people around me were, the more uncomfortable I became - the contrast between them and me just added to my anxiety. Dr. Cheff was the model of composure.

"Make an excuse," I thought. "Get our of here."

"Come on, Jamie," Dr. Cheff said. "Tell us one of your good stories. What's been going on at school?"

"I just study a lot," I said.

"I've always told you this. Once you put your mind to something, there is nothing that stops you."

He was reaching out to me, trying to praise me and build me up, but I could think of nothing but how pathetic I was. The more I tried to get hold of myself, the more unraveled I became. My face went red-hot. My eyes darted spastically around the room as I tried hard to slam the brakes on my panic. Certainly, they could hear my voice shaking and cracking as words tumbled out.

I didn't know what would come out of my mouth next, and I had already developed a stutter and slur to my speech that would last for a few years. The more self-conscious I was about how my voice sounded, the more choked up I became, and words just refused to come out naturally anymore. I had to force them out one by one, calculated, and they somehow got mangled between my throat and my mouth.

My heart shattered as I had to escape from this loving family who just wanted to see the Jamie they knew - the laughing kid on the back of Joe's sled. I just wasn't him anymore, and I didn't have the strength to pretend that I was.

I told them I wasn't feeling well and that I had to go. On the way home, I didn't even notice the bone-chilling winter air. I was scared of what I had become and how far I had fallen. Was there any way to climb back up from here? Back in my room, I disappeared in my bed, once again finding comfort in the darkness.
                           -pg. 55-58 Fear is No Longer my Reality, Jamie Blyth

This book was just what I needed when I found it, and still gives me comfort today. Who else better understands what you're going through, than someone who's gone through it themselves? Look for it in your local library and check it out. Believe me. He gets it. You'll feel better.

So the weekend is over and the week has begun.
Wishing all of us a good week with low anxiety. :)

Introversion : Extroversion : Shyness and Social Anxiety

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be an introvert, especially after a few large client gatherings where I had to interact like I was an extrovert. And yes, my head almost exploded.

Did you know being introverted or extroverted isn't just about being shy or outgoing? It's actually about where we get our energy; what builds us up and what depleats us.

It makes perfect sense, since for me (the introvert) social gatherings suck the life right out of me, but my sister, on the other hand (ms. extrovert), loves to be the life of the partay baby!

Here are a few quick definitions:

EXTROVERT - those who "seek outside themselves" for gratification; feel energized being around people, and find it less rewarding, even boring, to spend time alone.

Characteristics: social butterfly, enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious; energized by large social events involving a lot of people.


INTROVERT- those who "seek inward" for gratification, concerned for their own mental well-being; their energy expands through quiet reflection and is depleted during interaction. They become easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and interaction, and often show a preference for a quiet environment with little stimulation.

Characteristics: more reserved and more quiet in groups, preferring to observe and take time to think before speaking. They enjoy solitary activities like art work, computers, writing, reading, and hiking. An introvert enjoys alone time and find less enjoyment spending time with large groups of people, though may enjoy interacting with close friends.


Is why you are the way you are starting to make sense? The definition of Introvert is SO ME, I was surprised not to find my picture next to it in the dictionary.

Okay, now lets look at the difference between being shy and being introverted. When I found this definition, I slapped my head like I could have had a V8. It made perfect sense.


SHYNESS VERSUS INTROVERSION
Being introverted is not the same as being shy or socially inept. Introverts prefer solitary activities over social ones, whereas shy people (who may actually be extroverts at heart) avoid social encounters out of fear.

Ah, the fear factor. I so get that part. So when does fear go past shyness and become social anxiety?


SHYNESS VERSUS SOCIAL ANXIETY
Shyness: being reserved, timid, nervous or uncomfortable about meeting and talking to people, showing nervousness or timidity in the company of others; tending to avoid something because of nervousness, fear, dislike, etc.

Social Anxiety: Beyond shyness, social anxiety is an intense, irrational, and persistent fear of interaction and socialization with other people brought on by feelings of being scrutinized, judged or negatively evaluated by other people. Those with social anxiety often avoid social events or interactions, overwhelmed even months before a social event occurs. Social anxiety brings on symptoms such as shaking, sweating, blushing, rapid heart rate, dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea.

***If a person usually becomes (irrationally) anxious in social situations, but seems better when they are alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem. - Social Anxiety Institute


Example of shyness vs social anxiety:

"Many people are a little bit shy. If you're shy, you might be somewhat uncomfortable in situations such as going to a party where you don't know anyone, but you do it. You give yourself a push, you go to the party, after a while you relax and talk to people," says Rudolf Hoehn-Saric, MD, who heads the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. "The social phobic person, at the prospect of the same party, would be overwhelmed by such anxiety that [he or she] would have a physical reaction -- perhaps nausea, sweating, heart racing, dizziness -- and would avoid it if at all possible. It's a matter of degree."  In other words, being shy can complicate your life. Having social phobia can stop it in its tracks. " - WebMD

I don't know why, but as I researched and reflected about what all of this means, it made me feel better somehow about who I am and what I'm struggling with. It's okay to be an introvert. I love it here. It's cozy in my world. The real challenge is the outside world with all of its "extroverted things" I have to deal with. I've always been on the shyer side, and even though shyness has catapulted into social anxiety, I'll figure out a way to live my life with the best balance I know how.

Back to the beginning. As I mentioned, the client meetings I've had the last couple weeks all but pushed me over the edge. As I forced my way through each smile, laugh and conversation with clients, I had to check myself to make sure I wasn't going to pass out and crumble to the ground. I was like a robot on high gear, my voice getting higher and higher and faster and faster, until the inevitable short-circuit and firey explosion. I had to get through it because of my job, but everything inside of me wanted to go outside to get some fresh air and never come back.

The energy I had expended in each of those meetings had left me completely empty. When I came home from each event I was so drained that I went straight to bed and slept like a rock. It's amazing what sleep or just alone time can do for the introverted-socially-anxious-soul once it's been over-stimulated. The next day I had the energy I needed to go forward once again.

And move forward I shall.
Hoping the best for you as well.

It's not you it's me: the message our social anxiety sends to others

Thank you again to those of you who have taken a moment to express how this blog has helped you! It strengthens me to know that sharing my thoughts and experiences can help other people who struggle as I do.

This past Sunday at church I had a slam bam moment when I came face to face with my visiting teachers. As you may or may not know, visiting teachers are a HUGE challenge for me. You can read accounts of my nightmarish experiences in a few of my previous posts:

What caused my social anxiety
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Pushing Forward
Old Habits are Hard to Break

It's still SO awkward for me not to be a visiting teacher because of my anxiety, being in a community of people where EVERYONE ELSE IS. Man, thinking back to my last horrific visit even for a second makes me shudder with humiliation! Aaakk!

But the other awkward side is being visit taught. I asked not to have visiting teachers, but suddenly one day I was on someone's route. And to make an awkward mess even messier, I asked for emails instead of meeting with them. How weird am I? I can't even meet with two ladies in my home? It's mortifying, but less horrifying than meeting with them. I'll take the lesser of two evils I guess.

Visiting teaching in our church is like the holy grail of service. I've lost track of how many times I've heard, "I love visiting teaching! It has blessed my life in so many ways! I have made my best friends through visiting teaching!"

Back in my earlier days, I did make a good friend who had been assigned to be my visiting teacher. It was a great experience. Back at a time when sitting one-on-one with someone didn't wrap itself around my neck and choke me.

So there I stood. Face to face. Eye to eye. With the two sisters who were assigned to be my visiting teachers. They are some of the nicest ladies. They email me every month to check in and talk to me when I see them. And in a normal world, talking together like friends should be fun. It shouldn't be painful.

I choked through the first parts of our conversation and then somehow managed to put a smile on my face and tried to act normal. I tried to envision I was talking to my sister. I didn't need to feel nervous if it was my sister. And surprisingly, it helped just enough to release the choke-hold. But as each second ticked by, I kept mentally checking how I was doing and how much longer I could keep it together. It's hard to enjoy a conversation when all that's running through your mind is, Am I going to freak out? No, you're fine. Am I acting normal? How much longer are they going to keep talking to me??

As our conversation was finally coming to a close (yes!), one of the ladies turned to me and said, "You know, you can always call me. Or come over. Or just hang out with me." And I was reminded again about one of the other hardest parts about my social anxiety. The way it affects other people.

I don't like to hurt other people's feelings and I can't deny the pain I see in her eyes when she tries to reach out to me, but is rejected time and time again. She has asked me to do things with her for years and has expressed her desire to be my friend, but I never accept her invitations. Ever. It appears I don't like her or that I think I'm too good for her, or that I'm totally disinterested. If only she knew the reason behind my behavior. "It's not you, it's me!"

If she only knew the truth. If she only knew that I wish I felt comfortable enough to spend time with her and be her friend. If she only knew that my constant rejections had NOTHING at all to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with me.

I wonder how many other people my mixed messages have hurt? People reach out and invite us to dinner and I turn them down. People invite me to do things and I find an excuse. I stay away from the nicest people at church because I know they'll talk to me and want to know how I am, or even worse - ask me to do something with them. I naturally pull away from people who in my "former non-anxious life", I would have enjoyed spending time with.

It's an onion, this social anxiety. So many layers.

The place In-between

First, I want to say thank you to all of you who have left encouraging comments. Even I feel alone at times, just like you do, so it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone either. :)

Back in June, one of you left a very kind, heartfelt comment, but deleted it (I'm not sure why). I kept it because it is what helped me to push forward out of the social anxiety relapse I was in.

Here is what she said, because it might offer you just what you need too:

"Heavenly Father loves you so much! He - as well as the Savior - know the thoughts and intents of your heart. The Atonement covers not only the price of repented sin, but also every single pain and heartache imaginable. This helps me so much when I have my SA attacks - to know that there is One who understands me completely, and loves me completely. When I have my days of suffocating SA, where I hate hate hate going to church and having to put on a plastic smile for several hours, and when I come home later and rehash all my imagined social gaffes with my husband, I remind myself that I am not alone. When I feel the discomfort of being in awkward social situations, so much that it causes me physical symptoms, I remind myself that the Savior has suffered everything EVERYTHING so that He can help me too. And when people are quick to judge my character (no, I am not stuck up! Just incredibly, painfully socially fearful), I know that the Savior has felt that hurt, too. I hope that that knowledge helps you, also. 

You may have suffered a relapse, but I have encouraging words for you, ones that have helped me when I have struggled. A LAPSE is falling off the wagon. A RELAPSE is falling off the wagon after getting on again. A COLLAPSE is giving up completely. We all have lapses. And yes, every now and again, we all have relapses. 

But we don't have to make them collapses. :) Even if I suffer a series of relapses of my SA behavior the rest of my life, I will try my best not to collapse. And even if I do collapse, there is always hope. This gospel is one of progression, and the Lord sees us not where we were, but where we are going." 

That encouragement and positive message helped me push through my negativity and get myself to church that next Sunday. I just decided that I needed to commit myself to going and let it become a habit, if that's what needed to happen first, before I felt happy about being there.

It still hasn't been all roses. There have been Sundays I still let my fear get the better of me and I don't go to church. There have been times in class I've been asked to read aloud or go around the room to share and the fear takes its hold and I either talk myself down off the ledge and get through it, or make a fast exit. I do what I can do. And that's how I'm making it.

I've had to redefine who I am, a little bit. I used to be the person who did everything they were asked. I tried not to let anyone down. If a calling was extended, I took it. If an assignment was given, I accepted it. If a volunteer was needed, I offered.

I have come to a point in my life where I recognize my limits and if something's too much, I say no. I know I let people down, and I'm becoming one of those people that can't always be counted on and that makes me really uncomfortable, being a perfectionist and all, but I'm trying to allow myself to be okay with it. And to know that there hopefully will be a day when I can make up for it - and accept more and do more and be more, but for now, this is where I am.

As I've thought about where my mind has been these last couple months, I wasn't quite sure how to define it. It's that place in-between denial and acceptance. What do you call it? Oblivion? I have been trying to block out the fact that I have social anxiety and just detach my brain from everything so I don't have to face it or worry about it. I guess you can call it going to "my happy place", where there is no fear and all is good. I have pushed myself through a few Sundays and home teaching visits that I wanted to run from, but once they were done I could mentally let my guard down and stay in my happy place for a while.

I have a few job related things coming up that just strangle me with fear, so I keep pushing it out of my head. I know it's coming, and the closer it gets, the farther away my happy place goes. I prefer oblivion to facing my real life fears, but I'm still reading Pres. Hinckley's inspiring quote on my mirror every day, to remind me not to just trudge through life but to enjoy it. Here's to joy.

Relapse: Help for social anxiety's downward spiral

Forgive my rambling today. I kind of went all over the map. The important thing through this process of self-reflection is that I ended up in a positive place. And that's what's important. Right?

Sunday, 6/9/2013

Right at this moment my husband is at church without me.

I couldn't bring myself to go, even though I am responsible for something at church today.
I feel so badly that he had to go alone.
I know I am disappointing him and the people I was supposed to help today.
I feel especially bad because I went though something difficult this past week and received a clear answer to prayer. I wanted to go to show the Lord how grateful I am, but I just couldn't.

I sat down and talked to my husband about how I feel and he was a good listener, although I know it's still hard for him to understand what in the world this feels like.

I likened how painful it is for me to go to church each week, to him touching a hot stove. You touch a hot stove and get burned - you learn quickly not to touch a stove at all.

I feel like I have regressed.
I know it is, in part, due to not having gone to church consistently for the last month. I've said before how much harder it is to return once I've been away. A word that instantly came to mind about what I was going through was RELAPSE.

Relapse is often associated with a drug and alcohol addiction, "an act or instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding; a recurrence of symptoms after a period of improvement." but I am living proof that it also applies to Social Anxiety.

Although referring to drug relapse, I was struck by this statement from Signs of Relapse,: A slip-up begins long before you actually use. The steps to a relapse are actually changes in attitudes, feelings and behaviors that gradually lead to the final step..." (Warning Signs of an Alcohol or Drug Relapse Recognizing the Steps Leading to a Relapse 2012)

For us, Negative Thinking is the fuel that fires social anxiety. The end result (not going to church or becoming completely isolated), is a slow process that begins with our changes in attitudes, feelings, behaviors and thoughts.

---

11 Signs of Addiction Relapse found here
*these are the actual steps of Addition Relapse but as I read each of them with the perspective of social anxiety, they were strikingly similar  

 

Change in Attitude - You may begin to return to negative, unhealthy thinking.

Elevated Stress - You find yourself over-reacting and having exaggerated positive or negative feelings.

Reactivation of Denial - Trying to convince yourself that everything's okay when it's not. You may be scared or worried, but you dismiss those feelings and stop sharing those feelings with others.

Recurrence of Withdrawal Symptoms - Anxiety, depression, and sleeplessness can return during times of stress. They are dangerous because you may be tempted to self-medicate (or in my case, avoid)

Behavior Change - You may begin to change your healthy routine and practice avoidance.

Social Breakdown - You may begin feeling uncomfortable around others and making excuses not to socialize. You stop hanging around friends or you withdraw from family members. You stop going to support groups. You begin to isolate yourself.

Loss of Structure - You begin to abandon your healthy routine and begin focusing on one small part of life to the exclusion of everything else.

Loss of Judgment - You may feel overwhelmed for no apparent reason.

Loss of Control - You begin to actively cut off people who can help you. You may begin to believe there is no hope. You lose confidence in your ability to manage your life.

Loss of Options - You begin to limit your options. You stop attending all meetings. You may feel loneliness, frustration, anger, resentment and tension. You might feel helpless and desperate. You come to believe that unhealthy options are the only way out.

Relapse - You attempt controlled (social) "avoidance", but immediately feel shame and guilt. You withdraw further, affecting relationships, jobs, money, mental and physical health. You need help. {For those of us with Social Anxiety, relapse may range from not being able to go to church, work, or out with friends and family to becoming completely isolated.} 

Do you see the similarities behavior between a drug relapse and social anxiety relapse?

---

HELP TO OVERCOME
The one thing I've read time and again is that social anxiety is fueled by negative thinking [see related posts here and here]. If we are to try to combat the downward spiral we may be on, it is by stopping our negative thoughts, one at a time, until they no longer chart the course we're on.

Step One: Stop Negative Thinking. Today.

From “Lesson 9: Purity of Thought,” The Latter-day Saint Woman: Basic Manual for Women

Our Thoughts Influence Our Actions. An idea can be powerful. First comes a thought, then an act. The act begins in the mind. We do what we think of doing. Whether we plan to do good or evil, the plan and the act begin in the mind.

The thought always precedes the act. - President David O. McKay 

If you can control your thoughts, you can overcome habits... If you can learn to master them, you will have a happy life... - Elder Boyd K. Packer

The Holy Ghost can help us control our thoughts. When we listen to His promptings, we can control our thoughts, words, and actions. We should pray for the help of the Holy Ghost.

The last quote about the Holy Ghost helping us to control our thoughts really struck me. I can't forget to include the Holy Ghost in my healing. He is the one who teaches truth. The truth of who we are, what our worth is, and how we can overcome our weaknesses.

My goal this week is to change my negative thinking about going to church and see how it helps me by next Sunday. Our thoughts influence our actions and are powerful motivators: for good or otherwise. Let's put it to the test!

The truth

The truth is, I only went to sacrament meeting today. 
We almost didn't go at all. I was even in my dress when my husband teased me about taking the day off. My eyes brightened. My mood lifted. Really? Can we really skip today? Oh please?? But no, he had to go for his calling. [Don't tease me like that. It's like taunting a ravenous lion with a plastic steak.] So we compromised and decided we'd at least go to sacrament meeting. (I'm such a bad influence)

I could have pulled it together and stayed for all the meetings, I mean I was already sitting in the pew for heaven sakes, and I knew I was just letting myself down by not staying, but the thought of being there for all of the drudgery was too much. At least I was going for sacrament meeting. It had been a while and I knew I needed to go.

The truth is, I had only gone to church two times last month. 
One week was a skip day, the other I was out of town. To be honest, it was nice to have a breather, but it's always so much harder to come back. I see today as taking a few baby steps by going to one meeting, even though I should have stayed for it all. I've just succeeded in making next week all the harder.

The truth is, I wish I was someone else sometimes.
Doesn't it seem easier to be someone else? I know it doesn't make sense because we all have our own set of problems to deal with (and many people have it much worse), but I wished I was someone else today.

I wished I was someone who loved coming to church. I longed to be comfortable there and to look around the room and see some of my best friends. I wished I could be one of the strong women who stood up and testified that she loved the Lord, loved our ward and loved coming to church. I wished I didn't feel so disconnected sitting in a room full of amazing people, while wishing I was safe on my couch at home. I wished I didn't worry about my home teachers approaching us for a visit and trying to avoid them every Sunday. I wish every Sunday I didn't count down the minutes until I could leave and check "going to church" off my list.

But there was more. As I looked out over the congregation, I saw happy husbands and wives with lively little children. I always imagined we would have lots of kids snuggled around us, surrounded by big bags of coloring books, crayons, sippy cups and tupperware filled with cheerios and fish crackers. I couldn't wait for the day I got to take my baby out of a meeting. What a great excuse! "I'm sorry, I can't come to relief society, I have to feed the baby".

But since we weren't able to have kids, not only will I never get to use that excuse (drat!), every Sunday, our empty bench is a painful reminder of our barren nest. Today, as I watched one of the beautiful mothers with the long chestnut hair, bounce her pink cheeked little girl out to the mother's room, I wished I was her.

And that is the truth for today.