I just need to live on the moon

I realize I haven't written about my social anxiety in ages (yes, I still have it) but yesterday at church pushed me over the edge and the "horrors" of yesterday have been swirling around in my head.
I need to get them out.

All the changes our church has been making lately are pushing me further and further into a corner. What used to be more of a passive experience, i.e. come to church and participate if you want to while the teachers teach, has become a much scarier place for hiders like me. Now everything is a discussion. Everything is a council. We have more small group teacher trainings. More participation. Different room layouts to promote conversation rather than passive participation. It's zeroing in on the one instead of letting us bleed into the background. I don't like it. It makes me really uncomfortable (as if I wasn't already).

I think often, if it weren't for my calling in primary, and my husband, it would be too easy for me to opt out on Sundays because of the social angst I feel every time I'm there. I finally told my mom the other day that I really don't like going to church and that I go because I know it's the right thing, instead of something I really enjoy. I was surprised that she wasn't shocked, but she doesn't really understand the whys.  I've never told her about my social anxiety because I would feel way too judged. She's a harsh critic.

I often wonder though, as I see my husband actually smiling during church, how it would feel if being afraid of all the people wasn't part of the equation? Would it be uplifting? Would it be something I looked forward to instead of dreading?

Ok, so back to yesterday. We found out that the last hour of church we would be meeting all together for a special council. I told my husband, before we even knew more about it, that if we were sitting in semi-circles, I would leave. ha! And if there was even a hint of small group discussions I would leave. For real.

When my husband came to the primary room and told me there were 3 rows on either side of the gym facing each other, I was tempted to run to the car. I decided I'd see what it looked like before fleeing, because I can get a sense of how "safe" the room feels just by seeing how it's set up.

It was strange to be sitting facing each other. Let's be honest, totally weird, but because I could opt for a back row, I stayed. They kept telling us the reason we were seated that way was to promote discussion. Discussion? I almost left, if it weren't for my back row dwelling where I felt a little more protected.

And it would have been a perfectly fine hour if it weren't for the bishop starting to call on random people to participate. I was already at defcon 3 because of the invasive room set-up and unknowns, but once you get some random call-outs, it shifts to defcon 4.99 (5 being the worst if you haven't seen War Games).

I kept thinking if I sit with my head down, he won't call on me. And don't worry, he didn't. BUT the problem was, I was afraid he might call on me the entire time, so add up that stress level! I wanted to leave so many times but kept thinking for the sake of my husband I needed to stay.

So....the end of the discussion was finally upon us and I finally felt the inklings of relief as I pictured myself running heading to the car awaiting any food at home that could take me back to my happy place, when the person sitting next to me invited us to dinner. What?!

Me: hanging on to the cliff by a fingernail.

Luckily, I had dinner cooking at home (for real) so I politely declined, and said we already had food in the crockpot. I felt horrible for saying no. She said, maybe next time. Now here's the thing, this woman is wonderful. She is one of my favorite people at church. She's very kind, has a great family, and is very warm and friendly. In an alternate universe I would have said to heck with what's in my crockpot, we'd love to join you for dinner...but in my universe, I will now have to A) avoid her like the plague, B) never talk to her again, or C) never go back to church. Sorry to tell you, there will never be a dinner.

Well this experience, of course, haunted me the rest of the day. I kept reliving the moment when she slowly turned to extend the invitation and I pretty much slapped her in the face with my crockpot. I kept trying to read her expression as I declined and hoped I didn't offend her because she's a saint. Why, why did you have to extend the meal card??! Such a kind gesture for someone who will never accept.

I was utterly defeated as I finally drove away from what felt like the longest 3 hours of my life. I let out a sigh that probably sounded more like a low growl and my husband asked if the primary kids had been that bad? I laughed and said they were the best part...and then proceeded to rant about the set-up of the room and how I thought the bishop might call on me and how it stressed me out that we'd been invited to dinner and...how in the end, I guess I just needed to live on the moon so I could be alone and never have to deal with the stress and anxiety of people again. 
And I meant it.

Why am I more afraid of Mormons? Social anxiety plague

I am a Mormon...who is afraid of Mormons.

What? Ok, I'll let you in on my thought process.

Lately I've been wondering why in the world I'm so much more anxious around other Mormons? Why does talking to them feel like I'm in an interview with the Bishop when they just want to know how my weekend was? Why do I pop and weave down the hall like I'm the target in a Mormon game of dodge ball, trying to avoid any contact?

I have social anxiety so I stay away from most social gatherings and make it a point not to bring attention to myself, ever - in life, not just at church.

I have a job that requires me to interact with people on a regular basis, but since I know these people and we usually talk about them instead of me, I'm okay day-to-day.

If I have a work-related meeting or social gathering, I want to die and dread it forever-and-a-day and it is pure agony to attend. It pushes me over the edge of my safe zone, big-time and I'd give anything to not be there.

But the intensity of non-Mormon interactions and socializing, while completely painful, paralyzing, and hide-in-the-bathroom-inducing, only breaks the surface. With Mormons? It's at def-con 5 (if you watched War Games, you know that's bad). Why in the world is this the case??

Do you feel like this too?

Let's look at Mormons
Mormons are some of the nicest people you will ever know.
They are friendly, kind, giving, honest, trustworthy, helpful and compassionate.
They are trying to be like Christ, and strive to live standards of purity and integrity.
They try to help others both in their wards and community.
Mormon's are great people to be associated with.
I feel safe around Mormons because I know what they believe, know what their standards are and know I can trust and count on them.

So why are they the very people I do anything to avoid??

• Is it my perceived expectations? (I know I can't live up to what you want me to be or do - don't ask me to give a talk, participate, have home teachers over, do visiting teaching, etc., so I need to stay away from you so you don't ask?)
• Is it that I feel I can't measure up? (You are "doing all the right things" and I'm out in left-field by myself picking grass)
• Is it the occasional self-righteous attitude some can put off? (How nice that you're sharing the gospel with people on airplanes and that you're not afraid to open your mouth... I'm scared of people and never want to talk to them, and the only thing I'll open my mouth for is refreshments)

I'm totally perplexed by this at the moment. It's like, I know what they know, and that's somehow intimidating to me. It's like they can see into my soul when they're just asking me how my job is going.

I'd love to know your thoughts. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something...

Truth be told about my social anxiety

I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I'd better start spilling them out of my head so they don't start a traffic jam. There's only so much room in there.

Since I wrote last, I have since outed myself about my social anxiety to my RS president, and am of course, having 2nd thoughts about it. She kept calling, so I finally called back because we all know they'll just keep calling (or stop by. Eeeek! That would be much worse). And of course, once she and I began talking, all my fears came true when she announced that she had a newly revised visiting teaching schedule with my name on it. The nightmare continues.

I began my routine speech with, "Oh, I guess so and so didn't mention to you that I need to take a break from visiting teaching for a while..." Then I finally dropped the small talk and just came clean. Instead of tip-toeing around about feeling uncomfortable in social situations or telling her I'm dealing with anxiety issues, I just laid it out: "I have social anxiety, so vising teaching for me is a nightmare."

She said she was surprised that I had social anxiety because I was, in her words, "so cute and nice and seemed very outgoing." I figured as much. No one really guesses that about me. I always try to put on a happy face even when I'm dying inside.

What she said next actually surprised me. Her mother struggled with social anxiety for years and she knew what I was talking about.

What? Someone who actually gets it? I felt a huge relief that I hadn't shared my secret in vain. And I totally thought she got it! Her mom had it! She knew what it was like! She also said she had known someone in her ward who struggled with SA and helped her go to church bit by bit. First through the sacrament, then next through sacrament meeting, and so on.

But as our convo went on, I began to feel more like a project, as she told me about how she helped that other sister come out of her shell and begin coming to things. I wanted to scream, "This isn't about finding someone to help me "get over this" AND it's certainly more than just needing to come out of my shell!" I've always hated that phrase. It sounds so weak and timid.

And then I was all at once discouraged and embarrassed and wishing I hadn't even told her. I didn't want to be viewed as someone who needed a friend to sit by and an invitation to go to things so I didn't feel alone, in order to get-over-it. It's not about that and only someone with social anxiety can understand it. I told her I was fine and she said, "But it isn't good to be alone." She made me feel so stupid. She obviously had the wrong idea. I'm not a shut-in, timid, scared mouse hauled up in my house all day lady! I have a job, I have a family, I have co-workers and friends. I have a life. I just hate going to church because you people won't leave me the heck alone!

----------------------------------------------

Fast forward to today. This past post was written 3 weeks ago and it still enrages me.
Church has been HARD!!!!!
My old visiting teacher pretty much ran me down in the hall 2 Sundays ago to say, "Call me! We need to get together!" Obviously she hadn't spoken to the RS President who was taking me off her list, but I still said, "ok!" (forced smile)

The next week, that same visiting teacher saw me in the hall and looked the other way. I guess she'd heard the news. I'm off her list. Did she know about my anxiety issues? That's the danger of telling the RS president. You really don't know what she shares and with who. I felt even more stupid that she ignored me on purpose probably because she didn't know what to say. The visiting teaching game is so disgusting. "I'm totally your BFF while you're on my list but when you're not I forget I know you!"  Which BTW, the other visiting teacher has ignored me to my face every single time I've said hi to her at church since our "visiting teaching walk". She's so dead to me.

And to top this all off with whipped cream and a cherry, they've started closing the overflow area to the chapel where my husband and I usually sit, making everyone "scrunch together" on the benches. I'm SO out-o-here!!

This makes me so mad that I probably sound like I need to attend anger management courses, but it's pushing me over the edge people! Not only do I A) feel controlled to sit where they make me, B) feel claustrophobic having to squeeze on a bench with random people but C) I have an allergy to perfume that makes me feel sick and the chapel is full of it.

Two Sundays ago we sat in the hall. That's fun staring at the carpet for over an hour.
The Sunday after that we had the primary program, so we only had to sit on the squished bench for a little while (I hated every second of it) and then I was up on the stand (where I had a major anxiety attack, by the way, and wanted to run out like my hair was on fire. I'll write about that later).
And this past Sunday we opted out of sacrament meeting and showed up for the 2nd half of church, so we don't know if it was closed or not. My bets are that it was.

It is so incredibly frustrating. I'm hanging on by a limb, barely making it to church and the shrunken chapel effort is pushing me further away. Any time they make people squeeze together and sit by each other (which they used to do in my old ward's Relief Society) it makes me livid. Let me sit where I want to sit! Why does everything have to be controlled? Unity isn't achieved by sitting uncomfortably close to each other!

And while I'm on a rant, our Home Teachers want to come over (no thank you), and there's a meeting for our primary this week and the presidency approached me asking if I was going to attend (again, no thank you). She made the mistake of putting me on the spot and asking me to tell her more about myself and I began turning red and choking out my answers. Now I'm A) for sure not going to the meeting and B) made a mental note not to ever talk to her again.

It is exhausting to feel this way. It's exhausting to fight all of this over and over again. I seriously need a sabbatical.

Tune in next time for: Panic Attack at the Pulpit (well, I wasn't really at the pulpit, I was by the pulpit but that was close enough!) Ha!

And then they start closing in

Church started 15 minutes ago.
...and I'm either blogging in the back row during sacrament meeting, or at home on my computer feeling guilty for not being there...you decide.

It's always the little things that get me on edge. I intended on going today, but the Relief Society is on the prowl, so I'm opting out.

Delusional? Paranoid? Probably a little of both (ha!) but after two calls from the RS (1st from the secretary last Saturday at 9:30pm - seriously?) and then again yesterday from the President, they're definitely not giving up. I guess the Pres had to take matters into her own hands since I didn't call the secretary back! Sorry, I'll stop grinning. It's such a crazy game of cat and mouse.

They want to visit me and talk to me about visiting teaching. Get in line. Get a number. Get a clue.

In case you're late to the party, in my last post I shared that I opted out from being a visiting teacher at the moment, tho I decided to try having them over for a non-traditional "walking-while-visiting-teaching" visit.

In a nutshell? If I'm being honest, it felt totally forced and awkward. The ladies meant well (don't they always?) but when they arrived, it was almost as if they were scared to enter the front door. It was like, "Ok, we're here! We're trying to act like this isn't weird! We won't bother you! We won't even come in! Let's go for our walk!" AAAAWWWWKKKKWWWWAAAARRRRDDDD

BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then the ironic thing? Neither one of them contacted me again all summer (not that I minded!), and one of them acted like she'd never seen me before when I said hi to her at church. You're dead to me.

I just got an email from the other one last week. Not sure I'll even write back.

WHATEVER!!!!

So now my poor husband had to go to church alone and I feel horrible. When I told him I wasn't going this morning, he was disappointed, but said he "understood" even though he really doesn't understand.

He tried to joke that I was afraid the RS Pres and secretary were going to corner me and I'd have to sneak out, and even though he was trying to lighten the mood, I finally told him I didn't want to talk about it anymore because all it was doing was making me feel bad and more stupid.

And when you say it all out loud? It sounds even more ridiculous than it does in your head. But the pain is real people!

It's the look on his face and the big sigh when I say I'm not going that cuts like a knife. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I didn't put him in this position. If wishes were fishes. I never really understood that saying.

So in order to avoid another Sunday catastrophe next week, I guess I will call the RS Pres back this week, to explain AGAIN that I'm not up for visiting teaching (such an uncomfortable conversation and why I have to keep having it I'll never know!) and while I'm at it, I might exnay on the visiting teachers. I mean come on, how many more awkward VT walks can a girl take?!

I'm lonely - so leave me alone?

Sunday was difficult, being Father's Day.
If you've read my previous posts, you know my husband and I were not able to have kids. On days like this and Mother's Day, my already heaping scoop of social anxiety gets whipped cream and a cherry on top. Oh joy! I already feel awkward at church and now I can even feel MORE awkward!

I've already decided that next year we're not going to either Sunday.

Ironically, it was 1 week shy of a Sunday 5 years ago that I wrote this post pretty much summing up exactly how I was feeling again. My how time flies, but the same issues seem to stick around. Ugh.

I had already been on edge since last Sunday because my visiting teacher cornered me after sacrament meeting, asking which day I could see her. "Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday?" I caught on that her approach was much more focused instead of the generic, "when could we get together?" She had changed strategies. Good for her. She was hoping for better results. I stammered a bit about needing to check my calendar, and that I would let her know. I stewed about it all week and returned an email to her earlier this week saying I was trying to work out a few things with my schedule. (yah right). I've gone back and forth a million times about whether I should just let her come over or if I'd freak out and regret ever opening the door? Once it's open, it's not easily closed.

One of you left a comment about how you were just honest with your RS president about your anxiety and asked not to do vising teaching for a while. I know I'm just in denial, like everyone will just stop asking and disappear, but I really need to decide whether I have the guts to tell my RS to take me off the list. It's gutsy and takes courage. I did it in my last ward, but of course after the RS change of hands, the message got dropped somehow and I ended up back on the list! It's easier just to keep avoiding everyone, although it doesn't make anyone feel any better.

I fight between feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone. Hey, I like you! Wait, don't come over here! You seem so fun! Go away! I know what it's like to have good friends and to laugh til your stomach hurts and to feel totally validated by someone. I know how good friendship can feel and I ache for it to come back, but in the same breath I don't let anyone close enough lately to become that kind of friend.

I look around at people at church that seem like the coolest people, and think to myself, I would totally be their friend if I felt like I could be. It's like I'm watching the world from a glass bubble.

************************************THE NEXT DAY>>>>>>

I had somewhat of an epiphany last night after writing this post, although I hadn't finished it. The thought of feeling lonely, but pushing everyone away, kept going through my mind. Did I really want to feel this alone all the time?

Part of my feelings of loneliness were fueled by feeling bad about avoiding my visiting teachers and imagining a life full of void, but the tip of the iceberg was attending an event Saturday by myself and feeling like the last person on the planet without a friend. I'm not normally a depressed person, but seeing crowds of people with friends and family buzzing around them and happiness flowing, while being alone, was a hard pill to swallow. It felt gross.

Knowing I needed a pick-me-up, I turned back to this blog, of all places, and recalled a post I'd written on how addiction relapse is painfully similar to social anxiety relapse. After re-reading the 11 signs of addiction relapse, I knew that I was going down the same negative spiral that would get me nowhere but lonely and helpless. I felt pretty low at this point and thoughts of a lonely life and never going back to church were floating through my mind.

Then it was time to leave to get together with family to celebrate Father's Day. Being around my family is one of the best ways to be reminded how wonderful it feels to be around people who love you and just get you. It is the opposite of lonely. I felt like a real person again, not some timid little mouse hiding in the corner, afraid that someone will talk to her. I was myself. I was happy. And my attitude shifted. I was not going to let negative thinking lead me to a lonely, dark place. I needed to take action.

This morning I emailed my visiting teacher and told her that I am not "traditional" when it comes to visiting teaching and that I am not comfortable with sitting and chatting. I returned her invitation by asking her if she wanted to take a walk with me and we could get to know each other that way. I also told her that in the past, monthly emails are appreciated instead of visits. I laid it out in a way that I felt comfortable with and hope it is well-received.

I also emailed the visiting teaching coordinator and apologized for totally dropping the ball and asked her to re-assign my partner so she actually had someone to go with. I told her that due to some anxiety issues I'm having that I need to take a break for a while.

There. It's done. I'm going to give this woman a chance who will come and see me on Wednesday. I hope I'm still feeling as ambitious by then! Ha! I don't want to feel isolated and alone, so I will reach out in the way I feel comfortable, a little at a time.

If I survive, I'll let you know how it goes. ☺
Sending happy thoughts your way as well....xo

I make a better Facebook friend

I had just been thinking a day or two ago about this blog and how I hadn't written in a while and wondered whether it really mattered...and then I received a comment from someone this morning who was in need of some cheering. Sorry to have disappeared and thanks for your sincere comment.

I did make it to church today. If I didn't have a Primary calling I swear I could think up a million and one reasons not to go. I still feel so out of place at church. Like I'm just a body filling up a space in a chair. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I question whether I want to be there at all and ask myself the question, "What if I just. stopped. going?" Could I just "stop being Mormon for a year?" That may or may not have crossed my mind as I sat in the back chairs during sacrament meeting today. But lets not dwell on that.

People got up bearing their testimonies about how great having a "ward family" is and all the wonderful friendships they've made. I felt nothing. I may as well have been sitting in a crowd of strangers. A small part of me wished I felt the same way they did, and another part of me felt exhausted from wishing I felt the same way they did. How many YEARS have I been feeling this way?! Why am I torturing myself?!

Speaking of torture, my visiting teacher made eye contact with me for about .23 seconds but I acted like I didn't see her. I feel bad for her. She's a really nice lady. I just stopped responding to her emails. I decided to choose the better of two evils: I'd rather be a busy person who never responds to emails than one who has constant excuses as to why they can't ever come over.

Same goes for my visiting teaching companion. She wrote a few times asking when a good time was to get together and make visits. The end. I never wrote her back. I avoid her at church, but again, decided I'd rather be a person who just "never writes her back" than someone flakey who comes up with 100 strange excuses as to why I can't ever go visiting teaching with her. That should be the name of a book, 101 Creative Excuses to Avoid your Visiting Teachers. Someone would buy it and get a good laugh.

While we're on a roll, I've avoided the only time Home Teachers ever tried to come over. Check! And successfully declined 2 "opportunities" to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. It's not as easy as just never responding, but the last request actually came yesterday and I just said I wasn't able to, sorry and thanks for understanding. I did say maybe I could later in the summer, but let's be honest, I'll be out of the country when they ask again.

This social anxiety is a strange thing. For the past few months I had to go on a special diet, mainly eating real, whole foods, and avoiding anything processed. I don't know if it was all psychological (because I had lost some weight and started feeling better about myself), but I could have sworn I didn't feel as anxious. I even got through my sister's intensely social wedding, talking to strangers, long-time family friends and visiting family without freaking out. I felt like I was a different person for a while. And it felt amazing.

During my special diet, I found things written about food and anxiety, and how mental anxieties can be eliminated by what we eat. It made me wonder if I had curbed my anxieties by eliminating processed foods and eating only whole, real foods?? Hmmmmm.

Because, back on the flip side... I'm off that diet and have been eating anything I can get my hands on and have felt much more socially anxious again. The question remains, is the anxiety back because I don't feel as good about myself anymore because I'm eating like a pig or is it really due to eliminating processed foods from my diet?

Pass me the ice cream and we'll think about it.
But seriously, something to consider.
I keep trying to stay off processed foods again but every time I do one of them ends up in my mouth.
We'll see.

Social Anxiety is just hard.
I've decided I make a better Facebook friend than a real friend at the moment.
To my Facebook friends: I will smile and make funny comments to you online but when I see you I'll act totally weird.
To my co-workers: I may act normal during a work day, but if you see me off-hours, I'll act like I don't want you to talk to me while my face turns red as I stammer to try to get away. (this may or may not have happened Saturday when I was getting groceries).
To my oldest and dearest friends: You used to know me as a semi-normal person, but sorry, we'll catch up again when I'm out of my 30 year awkward phase.
To the people in my ward: Just pretend I'm not here. Kthxbye.

The only thing I can say to all of us who struggle with this demon day after day, and Sunday after Sunday, is to keep trudging forward.
*Keep working on the hard things.
*Keep trying to move forward every day, even if it's just one small thing.
*Try to focus on the things that went well, instead of the things that didn't go so well.
*Know your limitations, allow yourself to be where you are, and give yourself a break.

Heavenly Father knows you and knows your struggles. You will not be judged on why you weren't like someone else. You will be judged on how well you were yourself. xo

The push and pull

***I actually wrote this post two weeks ago, but due to a glitch it never posted... I'll be updating soon & P.S. I did go to church today. And survived. ;)***

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Hey there. I'm back. And of course, there's something stirring...because I'm back writing.
And you're the only ones I can tell.

We moved, like I said we were probably going to do. New ward = New deathwish.
For some strange reason, I had a different vision of what this "new start" would look like.

At first it looked like this:

• I would embrace our new ward.
• I wouldn't dread Sundays.
• I would look forward to meeting this new group of people and create and feel a sense of community.
• I would reach out and make friends.
• I would attend groups and activities.
• I would feel comfortable going to church.
• I would like going to church again.

-----BBBBBWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH (big nasty buzzer sound)-----

It's more like the dream started out that way the first 2 times we went to church and then it died.
R.I.P.

Now it's more like:

• About mid-week, I start thinking about whether or not I'm going to make myself go to church or not.
• And then sometimes we go.
• And sometimes we don't.
• And I tell myself that's okay, we'll go next week.
• And I dread the emails and potential calls I get about why we weren't there and who wants to come and visit.

Overload
The first 2 weeks I reached out and met some new people, while trying to act like a different person. Someone who was excited to be there, happy to meet new people and looking forward to being a part of the ward.

Since then, I've been a little in and out and haven't done much socializing. I'm starting to feel my anxiety build though, since within the past couple weeks I've been contacted by the Relief Society who really wants to come and visit me. I've gotten assigned to 3 visiting teachee's. Three! I can barely dare to think of 2. My visiting teachers have contacted me twice, and are very eager to visit. The bishop wants to meet with us. Luckily, we haven't been asked to speak yet, and haven't gotten Home Teachers, but I know it's coming.

I have yet to do any of it. Push me against a wall, and I pull on the magic rope that opens my secret escape trap door. Bu Bye.

I'm still hiding.
Not sure if I'll go to church Sunday or not, but I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and making it much more painful. It's all going to happen anyway. AAAAHHHH!! Oh the agony!
I hate this internal tug-of-war I have with myself every week. It makes me tired.

I hope you are all a little stronger than I'm being right now! If so, send me some of your armor! :)